Healing Past Abuse

[Shivani Devi]

Greetings.

There are two threads I am currently speaking through - and this will be the third thread.

The first is all about my Somatoform Disorder - A Psychological illness without any medical or known cause.

The second is about my total lack of the ability to have any positive thought in my brain whatsoever.

At first, I thought it was just the old spectres of depression and anxiety looming and rearing their ugly heads again...however....

I have been like this all my life!

It is nothing new.....the inability to be positive, optimistic, express joy or happiness and to just view the world with negative disdain is nothing new.

They thought it was autism....they thought...

So, what if my parents are both paranoid schizophrenics?

I just have to watch my father watching TV...

"That man has a beard....he must have something to hide by not showing his face....men with beards and moustaches cannot be trusted..."

"Oh look at that woman...she is wearing sunglasses....she must have something to hide...she's a liar and a cheat....you just know it because she is wearing sunglasses whilst talking to people..."

"That boy there....he's listening to music on his walkman...people who listen to music privately don't listen to anybody else publicly...they can't be trusted...avoid people like that..."

"Oh, look at that guy the police arrested on TV...an effing Muslim...they should all be shot...yeah, he also has a beard...that's right...all the criminals in our jails are Muslims with beards....have you ever seen a clean-shaven criminal?"

"Body hair is the work of Satan..."

Then there's my mother having coffee in public..."look over there....that woman has blue hair....does she realise how ridiculous she looks...?"

"Oh my god, look how fat that guy is...like a ball that rolls along....hasn't he ever heard about dieting?"

"Look my child, more 'tea-towel heads' Muslims are invading the whole country...beware...."

Ever since I was a child, I was told what to wear, what to eat, what to watch on TV, who I could associate with and if I disobeyed, I was physically beaten to a pulp.

Thus, I preferred not to have friends, associate with no-one and lock myself in my room with books and pictures of Krishna...

One day they found one of my Hindu pictures and burnt it in front of my eyes with a "you are AUSTRALIAN, bloody act like one!"

They are not/were not religious whatsoever, but their whole antics would put the Westbro Baptist Church to shame.

Gays and lesbians deserve the death penalty, anybody born in one country should stay there for life, men should be forced to shave, sunglasses should be banned, walkmans/ipods should be confiscated by the police...etc...etc...

No wonder I am a mess.

Both my parents were social losers bigtime! My father had some money, so he was able to 'buy associates' or give out interest-free loans in return for social favours, but everybody hated him and only placated him out of necessity - I could see this.

My mother lived in fear of my father, because after beating me to a pulp, he'd start on her...until anything I would ask my mother about always got met with the words "I have nothing to say".

It took me almost my whole adult life to understand...come to the realisation they were undiagnosed schizophrenics...I mean they had to be, because there was no other explanation for it.

I was raised to mistrust people...to hate people....and their favourite sayings; 'familiarity breeds contempt' and 'we stick to our own"....but I could see that nobody was 'sticking' to them.

The only relief I got were the times (twice a year for two months each time) we went to Bali (my father part-owned and financed a failing hotel chain over there) and I was allowed to attend a Balinese school (because I was driving them up the wall in the hotel) and I befriended some Hindu shamans over there who taught me about Hinduism and Shiva...the rest is history.

I came back and married a man who treated me like his personal slave....yeah, we look for it to fulfill patterns in our lives.

Thus I struggle daily with negativity and trying to find change...and wondering whether I am autistic or just the poster-child for emotional, physical and financial abuse since day 1.

Thank you.

[Shivani Devi]

I recall a story from the time...the last time my father bashed me up...I was 17.

We were in Bali and I was late coming home from a puppet show I was allowed to attend.

This was because my aura was spotted by a shaman as I went into trance during it...then after the puppet show, he pulled me aside with 'ahh...Lady Di' (my name is Dianne but everybody called me "Diana" or "Lady Di"...yet I had never met him before and I wondered how he knew who I was).

He took a golden "Om" from around his neck with a "Shiva told me to give this to you - you are His...you belong to Him..." and he placed it around my neck and I made my prostrations to the Lord and then went to a local warung for some es kelapa muda (iced coconut milk)...I was half an hour late getting back to the hotel and my father was in a ropable mood...

"Where the f were you?" "who have you been screwing?" "what little Balinese turd got his end in?" and he wouldn't let me answer before he grabbed his favourite 'weapon of choice' being the jug cord and set to work on me...

At first I started to yell and scream through the pain....then, I could feel that golden OM...I could feel Shiva...next thing I knew, I am saying "are you finished yet?...oh, you haven't finished....keep going then....more....MORE!" and my father became angrier and angrier, belting me harder and harder...I was laughing.

Then, he went and got a knife to finish the job....luckily for me, the hotel manager came in at that point with a 'stop, don't kill her' and my father came to his senses (what ever senses he had) and dropped the knife, falling to his knees.

It wasn't long after that, the manager totally cut my father off, the whole hotel chain collapsed and went under - no money was worth having such a person on their books...

Shiva saved me.

[Deepsoul]

Yes Necro and He will continue too if you allow Dear one..Om na may Shivya,,

[shoni7510]

You have an awful lot to heal from and you need to take it one step at a time and good luck, wishing you all the best.

[Really!]

From what I've read about Somatoform Disorder is it is treatable if it is associated w/depression or anxiety. Sorry, I can't provide the link to website I read it on b/c I'm a newbie. Have you been in for a check up lately by a doctor?
Have you tried non-psychoactive CBD oil or vape? I use it for crohn's disease, diabetes & polymyalgia as well as depression & anxiety from an inflammatory disorder & 2 diseases. It appears that until depression &/or anxiety (if you have either) are not treated, the cycle will continue and it will not allow for new information to make an impact for wellness.
Blessings ...

[Shivani Devi]

Thank you all.

I see the doctor regularly (few of them) and they are all just as stumped as I am. Also, CBD oil isn't legal in my country (Australia).

I use Kava Kava instead which does help...a bit.

The thing is, I must cut all ties now and I realised this today.

I realised I was never allowed to have an identity or to be myself or express myself whatsoever because it was seen as being 'self-indulgent' and 'selfish' and 'inconsiderate'....funny how these 'family rules' did not apply to the rest of my family...only to me.

I had made arrangements to take my mother out on Monday - unfortunately something came up and I had to cancel it and my mother's reaction? "if you don't do as you said you would to your word, don't bother talking to me ever again"...I mean, what is that? That is called 'emotional blackmail/abuse' in my books.

To my family, family is everything and an 'individual life' doesn't matter or even rate in context. There is no such thing as 'personal power' and there is no such thing as any notion of self, because self must be totally sacrificed for the good of the family.

There is only one who I can fully sacrifice 'self' to - God.

My family doesn't understand that notion of "If I cannot self-love, I cannot love anybody else" or "If I cannot look after myself, I cannot look after anybody else" because "self" is being sacrificed anyway, so those 'rules' simply do not correspond nor relate.

So, I will do what mum wants, but that is the last time I put another's needs before my own, selfish or not. There's a limit to self-sacrifice in the human realm...there must be, or else any notion of individuality or individual personality simply does not exist - and this has been my problem all along.

So now I have defined it - defined the reason why I was never allowed to 'be myself' or 'express myself' or allowed to have 'my own life', I can go into therapy to try and heal this past abuse. Before, I didn't know where to start, but now I have a really great start.

People calling me 'selfish' because their own selfish needs were not being met by me being so...tsk...tsk...

[Khalli]

I'm happy to see you realized this was part of your problem, people close to you taking advantage of you.

I had made arrangements to take my mother out on Monday - unfortunately something came up and I had to cancel it and my mother's reaction? "if you don't do as you said you would to your word, don't bother talking to me ever again"...I mean, what is that? That is called 'emotional blackmail/abuse' in my books.

I have witness this part from my Stepson to his own Mother for most of our time married and now that I'm not in picture this lil' Scorpio Son of hers is even worse. You want peace? Cut it off, it's the only way.

I did try to get you to say no, mean it and take time for yourself. Like:

Originally Posted by khallianen

......I've learned I have to say no or it'll be too overwhelming on my system. I need time in solitude to recharge. Maybe you do too!

And I never did share my rules on life to you. Number 1-5 covers this:

1. Screw what people think!

2. Screw trying to please anybody, make yourself happy 1st.

3. Screw living other people ideas on life, be yourself.

4. Don't be trying to love another till you learn to love and accept yourself first.

5. Screw dealing with negative people, they'll just drag you down into their own asinine misery.

[Shivani Devi]

Yeah, I figured they are only disadvantaging themselves anyway because I just won't 'be there' anymore so they are cutting their noses off despite their face.

So, they'll blame me for everything....let them, see if I care...

[wanchain]

Hi The Necromancer,

I believe I have exchanged posts with you before, or at least seen you around, but never realized that your childhood experiences are so similar to mine.

My healing happens over a span of a couple of years, on and off, and I heard that healing typically takes several years. So I am still at it. Currently still dealing with issue of domination and control, although I have reclaimed a lot of power back into me, but still not 100%.

As you have alluded to, until I have learned to love myself 100%, I cannot love anyone else. And I don't want to settle for a so so relationship.

In recent months, I kept asking the universe why it threw me this guy who hurt me so much. Well, I don't know why yet, but I know I attract him to me, because I am still very dominable and he is very dominating. When I am with him, I don't exist. I lose myself in him. I am like a piece of object, furniture, property, or a slave. I have absolutely no "me" when I am with him. I tried very hard to assert my sense of self, but he only said, "You talk to much!" "Blah, blah, blah." "Why do you always say the same thing over and over again?" He negated my existence. He refused to listen to me. He attacked me and he would not let me defend myself. Every time when I tried to assert my existence, he attacked me more.

I haven't quite figured out how to walk out of that "loss of self" yet. But I need to figure it out quickly and rescue myself out of it ASAP.

Wanchain

[SerpentSun]

Christ, your childhood sounds like an Australian version of mine with a lot more traveling. I've never been out of Illinois or Missouri. And my dad is pretty cool, your dad seems not so much. Even my mom can be awesome when she isn't trying to choke me to death.

Perhaps maybe your parents are bipolar instead of schizophrenic? Most of my family has been diagnosed bipolar, and the rest certainly seem that way. Several are also "psychic" or whatever your preferred term may be.

I don't know why, but it's really reassuring to speak with people who have similar life experiences. If you figure out what to do about abusive loved ones, let me know haha. I still think I'd rather be beaten by my mom in Australia though. At least y'all have kangaroos there.