Staying Focused

[Sam.I.Am]

Alright, I apologize as I'm not the best at wording questions :). As I have posted on the forum before, I met who I can best describe as my "mirror soulmate" a little over a year ago. He mirrors me in every way, shape, and form, from personality to mannerisms, to behaviors and quirks--he is me in male form.

I have always felt a distinct and unique connection to him, even though we only connected a year ago, after an initial meeting four years ago. While our relationship has progressed rapidly over the last several months, I would still say that we are in the beginning stages of our relationship, as we're still getting to know each other.

I guess you can say that we went through a "mini-separation" between November and December. We were still seeing each other on a weekly basis, but we weren't sitting down, talking, and connecting as we normally do, as he had essentially become a caretaker for both of his parents who are terminally ill.

Albeit a minor separation, the distance between us really took a toll on me. As I've posted before, I have a lot of trust issues regarding men--specifically abandonment issues stemming from early childhood. Now, the communication between us wasn't non-existent, but it did take a heavy toll on me as I have severe anxiety and depression. I found that time I should have been taking for healing myself was consumed with anxiety in regards to the relationship.

For me, I think that's been the hardest part of this whole process. I have a tendency to focus too much on the relationship and forget that my healing is the primary focus. Granted, I have had a lot of personal healing since meeting my SM. I started school again, left a career field that I hated to start a new one, began clearing out my hoarding situation, started my yoga practice again, and am now beginning to look into new hobbies and sports to add in to my day to day life.

How do you shift the focus? How do you stay focused on the goal without letting relationship anxieties get in the way? How do you release, let go, and trust?

Sam

[OEN34]

Hi Sam,

It seems you've answered your own questions really, but this is good! It shows you're aware.

You know yourself it is time to heal. It is time to bring those bubbling subconscious beliefs to the forefront and get them dealt with and released, ending with a new set of beliefs beginning.

Acceptance is the key thing which screams out here. This is the thing that will create peace, thus reduced anxiety. It will completely flip the focus on your relationship from constantly worrying about it, to acceptance of what is.

It isn't easy, but it is doable. I, and countless others have done exactly the same.

I'm no guru, but can share what I do.

Whenever I get overwhelmed with emotions (in your case, anxiety), I literally feel it. I observe it and be the witness to it. I don't attach any thought to the emotions and I just witness it. It can be very uncomfortable, and it can stay around for minutes, hours, days even, but it will reduce, I can assure you.

Another thing I do is meditate, but my meditation is probably different to others. I don't follow my breath, I just be by sitting there in my own silence and let what thoughts want to arise, arise. I again observe them with no judgement, and the meditation actually starts to work during the day-to-day life, so anxiety reduces.

But you're on the road to greatness, Sam. You're doing yoga, tackling your hoarding situation and also looking into new hobbies - what more can you ask for? This is all great, so be gentle on yourself.

Healing is the way forward here, IMO. All thoughts and emotions that arise need to be looked at on a deeper level IMO. Go within and self-inquire, your answers are there.

[Sam.I.Am]

Originally Posted by OEN34

Hi Sam,

It seems you've answered your own questions really, but this is good! It shows you're aware.

You know yourself it is time to heal. It is time to bring those bubbling subconscious beliefs to the forefront and get them dealt with and released, ending with a new set of beliefs beginning.

Acceptance is the key thing which screams out here. This is the thing that will create peace, thus reduced anxiety. It will completely flip the focus on your relationship from constantly worrying about it, to acceptance of what is.

It isn't easy, but it is doable. I, and countless others have done exactly the same.

I'm no guru, but can share what I do.

Whenever I get overwhelmed with emotions (in your case, anxiety), I literally feel it. I observe it and be the witness to it. I don't attach any thought to the emotions and I just witness it. It can be very uncomfortable, and it can stay around for minutes, hours, days even, but it will reduce, I can assure you.

Another thing I do is meditate, but my meditation is probably different to others. I don't follow my breath, I just be by sitting there in my own silence and let what thoughts want to arise, arise. I again observe them with no judgement, and the meditation actually starts to work during the day-to-day life, so anxiety reduces.

But you're on the road to greatness, Sam. You're doing yoga, tackling your hoarding situation and also looking into new hobbies - what more can you ask for? This is all great, so be gentle on yourself.

Healing is the way forward here, IMO. All thoughts and emotions that arise need to be looked at on a deeper level IMO. Go within and self-inquire, your answers are there.

OEN34,

Thank you for your heartfelt response. I appreciate the support! I have the hardest time being gentle on myself, so that reminder in and of itself, is very helpful!

Since meeting my SM, I knew that my subconscious issues would be triggered. I have never felt more genuine, unconditional love from a man before. And, that alone scared the daylights out of me! It's been easy for me to bounce out of my fears when I had my SM around, but the separation is what really triggered me. I know that a great deal of my thinking that time was irrational, but it definitely played with my head and with my emotions. I couldn't stop obsessively thinking about my SM and just focus on me, while he took the time to focus on himself and his personal issues.

This past Monday was the first time in a little less than two months that we got to sit down, talk, and just spend some time together. He immediately apologized for how separated he was from me, even though he really didn't have a say in the matter. I was also in a great deal of pain these past couple of months from a chronic nerve issue, and he explained that he just wanted me to "have my space" while I sorted everything out because he thought that's what I would have wanted. Funny, how that amplified my anxiety when he was just trying to help .

Now, we haven't talked a great deal about my past. It's come up in conversation here and there, but I haven't gone into great detail explaining it. I've never talked about it before with another person, so while I feel comfortable with my SM, I just don't know how and when to bring everything up to him. He's been receptive to what I've shared with him thus far and I want to tell him more, but actually facing these issues, instead of sweeping them under the rug is still a very new and uncomfortable concept for me.

I think that's what I was trying to get at in my original post. I know that it's time to heal. I know that my anxiety and subconscious issues are going to continue to get in the way of the relationship, until I take the time to actually work and sort through them. And, when I say "relationship," I really mean healing process because I've done so much healing work with my SM so far. In a sense, I feel like these issues are preventing me from connecting with him on a deeper level because I can't let go and just trust him.

Does that make sense? He commented about it on Monday with me--that is, how he wants me to relinquish some control and just open up to him more. He kind of laughed it off at first, because he knows how I am with control, but I also know that he was being serious. I started my healing journey with him, so he knows how far I've come, and thank God he's being uberly patient with me! But, I think it hurts him to see how much I'm struggling with all of this.

I think you're right about acceptance being the key. In a way, it's still hard for me to wrap my brain around the idea that he's mirroring me and showing me what I still need to heal. I think that in and of itself, still frustrates me a great deal, as I would rather avoid the mirror at all costs! But, maybe this is all part of the process that I just have to learn to accept and be aware of. I think acceptance and a little bit of patience will probably go along way.

[FairyCrystal]

First question that comes to mind, why are you trying to do all this on your own? And do I somehow sense a bit of guilt towards him? Why? The very naked truth is you don't owe him anything. And I don't mean that in a harsh way, more like, you don't have to work on you for him. You should want to work on you for you, not because you don't feel good enough or fear he will abandon you if you don't change.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I somehow seem to pick that up in between the lines.

In any case, open up more to him. Talk to him. That doesn't equal "making him your therapist." No way should you do that. But you can do with his support, and obviously he'd like to help you, and isn't totally clear on what's going on, plus he said himself he wants you to let him in more.
So do that! Look at it this way: you are catering to his needs in life at the mo (separation), there's no harm in him catering to you. That's what you do when there's a deep connection. You probably fear he'll feel burdened and leave you when you do, while in actual fact he'll probably feel relieved you are (finally) letting him in. A man needs that from a woman, as men want to help their girl, they want to be there for them. Provide and protect, give, take care of. Innate thing, primal instinct. Denying a man that will sooner push him away than actually opening up.
And if the connection between the two of you is right, you needn't worry about 'I don't know where to begin' it will flow by itself once you tell him you have this fear of abandonment.

If this is really strong and overwhelming, you may want to consider getting professional help in. Can work a treat and speed up the process a lot too.

[Sam.I.Am]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

First question that comes to mind, why are you trying to do all this on your own? And do I somehow sense a bit of guilt towards him? Why? The very naked truth is you don't owe him anything. And I don't mean that in a harsh way, more like, you don't have to work on you for him. You should want to work on you for you, not because you don't feel good enough or fear he will abandon you if you don't change.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I somehow seem to pick that up in between the lines.

In any case, open up more to him. Talk to him. That doesn't equal "making him your therapist." No way should you do that. But you can do with his support, and obviously he'd like to help you, and isn't totally clear on what's going on, plus he said himself he wants you to let him in more.
So do that! Look at it this way: you are catering to his needs in life at the mo (separation), there's no harm in him catering to you. That's what you do when there's a deep connection. You probably fear he'll feel burdened and leave you when you do, while in actual fact he'll probably feel relieved you are (finally) letting him in. A man needs that from a woman, as men want to help their girl, they want to be there for them. Provide and protect, give, take care of. Innate thing, primal instinct. Denying a man that will sooner push him away than actually opening up.
And if the connection between the two of you is right, you needn't worry about 'I don't know where to begin' it will flow by itself once you tell him you have this fear of abandonment.

If this is really strong and overwhelming, you may want to consider getting professional help in. Can work a treat and speed up the process a lot too.

Fairy Crystal,

Thank you as well for your honest response. I think my natural inclination is to handle issues regarding healing on my own. Looking back, I think it stems back to a previous relationship of mine where I was made to feel like I was bombarding my partner with my issues. Oddly enough, I don't get that vibe from my SM at all. As a matter of fact, I think he would welcome the idea of helping me more.

As far as guilt goes, the only guilt I have is that it's been a process for me to let him in and for me to open up to him more. I don't feel like I owe him anything and he's not making me feel guilty for not being emotionally available. The best way of describing it on my end, is that once you've been hurt in the past, you feel guilty when you enter into a relationship and all of those old fears begin resurfacing again, regardless of how wonderful your current partner is. For me, I feel guilty for having anxiety in the first place, when everything about my SM, actions and all, have repeatedly shown me that I have nothing to worry about. I a sense, you feel guilty for not being able to calm your mind as quickly as you would like.

I've always wanted to do my healing work for me. All of the work that I have done thus far has been on my terms. From going back to school, leaving my retail job, finding a job in a new career field--they've all been my decisions and ones that have been on my terms. He's constantly told me how proud he is of me and that I've done so much. I guess I just have a hard time believing it, because I feel like I put so much pressure on myself. I'm a perfectionist at heart and it bothers me that the same core issues keep coming up. Granted, in different ways, but it's frustrating to work through the same fears, over and over again, and to struggle to get out of the anxiety loophole.

If I were to ask my SM what he would change about me at this very moment, the only thing that he would say would be that he would want me to a.) stop worrying so much, and b.) just let go and trust both him and the process more. I've always feared him leaving me or abandoning me--even though he's made it totally clear that he's not going anywhere. I'm definitely more inspired to change in his presence than I am pressured to. But, I do feel like because he does value me so much and see me in such a strong light, that I don't want to let him down or disappoint him, if that makes sense...

As you mentioned, I do feel like communication is a great starting point for us. I do worry about him feel him being burdened, but as you said, he'll probably feel more relieved than anything else. I think at the very least, communication will start to allow the process to flow and make me feel more at ease.

[OEN34]

Originally Posted by Sam.I.Am

OEN34,

Thank you for your heartfelt response. I appreciate the support! I have the hardest time being gentle on myself, so that reminder in and of itself, is very helpful!

Since meeting my SM, I knew that my subconscious issues would be triggered. I have never felt more genuine, unconditional love from a man before. And, that alone scared the daylights out of me! It's been easy for me to bounce out of my fears when I had my SM around, but the separation is what really triggered me. I know that a great deal of my thinking that time was irrational, but it definitely played with my head and with my emotions. I couldn't stop obsessively thinking about my SM and just focus on me, while he took the time to focus on himself and his personal issues.

This past Monday was the first time in a little less than two months that we got to sit down, talk, and just spend some time together. He immediately apologized for how separated he was from me, even though he really didn't have a say in the matter. I was also in a great deal of pain these past couple of months from a chronic nerve issue, and he explained that he just wanted me to "have my space" while I sorted everything out because he thought that's what I would have wanted. Funny, how that amplified my anxiety when he was just trying to help .

Now, we haven't talked a great deal about my past. It's come up in conversation here and there, but I haven't gone into great detail explaining it. I've never talked about it before with another person, so while I feel comfortable with my SM, I just don't know how and when to bring everything up to him. He's been receptive to what I've shared with him thus far and I want to tell him more, but actually facing these issues, instead of sweeping them under the rug is still a very new and uncomfortable concept for me.

I think that's what I was trying to get at in my original post. I know that it's time to heal. I know that my anxiety and subconscious issues are going to continue to get in the way of the relationship, until I take the time to actually work and sort through them. And, when I say "relationship," I really mean healing process because I've done so much healing work with my SM so far. In a sense, I feel like these issues are preventing me from connecting with him on a deeper level because I can't let go and just trust him.

Does that make sense? He commented about it on Monday with me--that is, how he wants me to relinquish some control and just open up to him more. He kind of laughed it off at first, because he knows how I am with control, but I also know that he was being serious. I started my healing journey with him, so he knows how far I've come, and thank God he's being uberly patient with me! But, I think it hurts him to see how much I'm struggling with all of this.

I think you're right about acceptance being the key. In a way, it's still hard for me to wrap my brain around the idea that he's mirroring me and showing me what I still need to heal. I think that in and of itself, still frustrates me a great deal, as I would rather avoid the mirror at all costs! But, maybe this is all part of the process that I just have to learn to accept and be aware of. I think acceptance and a little bit of patience will probably go along way.

Hey Sam,

I'm glad my message resonated with you - that's what we're here for, to help each other

I smiled throughout your message as it sounds all so familiar to a situation I am currently going through, just slight differences here and there, but the mirror thing is spot on, so I empathise with you.

I agree; when you're with someone you deeply connect with and you spend so much time with them, to then be away from them alone, it can really trigger some deep rooted core issues. When you're with them you're in a fantasy bubble at times - it's almost an illusion, in terms of being comfortable and safe and not being triggered etc. Any issues are not coming up. When you're away they can come out of nowhere and that's where the psychological side effects take place.

It is funny that he left you to it giving you space thinking he was doing the 'right thing', yet you wanted him to reach out. Again, I am experiencing something very similar, and what it boils down to is communication. I consider myself very communicable; I like to be very clear on things, very black and white, no wishy-washyness etc, whilst others are the opposite at times, and it frustrates me. I've learnt that I have to respect others as they are doing what they feel is right according to their level of consciousness, but it isn't easy!

So it sounds to me like you both needed (or need going forward) to communicate with one another. Be outright with him in a polite manner. Discuss how you will communicate etc, it really does work. Otherwise I find the same happens what you encountered; you're both thinking for each other which gets you absolutely nowhere other than worry

With your past, I am reading between the lines and I respect and appreciate it is probably private, but does he need to know about it? (rhetorical question). Will it benefit him? Obviously if it is something that you feel he should know and is effectively a large part of who you are today, then sure, when the time is right opening up is necessary IMO. You sound aware enough to know when the time is right and also aware enough to know that avoidance will only feed your fear and current beliefs. Watch yourself grow hugely when you do open up to him! It takes courage, but boy the rewards will far outweigh the fear.

It will hurt him seeing you suffering. Again, I resonate with what you say in my own experience. He is probably frustrated that you aren't opening up some more, and I am the same in my situation. Wonder if it's a male thing? You are shutting down, and shutting him out, which isn't nice to be on the receiving end. I say this with respect as I know we all deal with things differently and this needs appreciating. I am an open book, but others aren't - including you - and this needs respecting.

But as you know, this is deep rooted conditioned beliefs. These aren't new emotions, you're reverting back to how you've dealt with things your entire life, putting your shield up and shutting down. Keep working on the healing and you'll test yourself by opening up to him when you're ready. Communicate this to him, tell him you're working very hard, which by the sounds of it you already have.

But yes, the mirroring thing is very true, and painful, but also so beautiful! Embrace it, learn to love it and work with it - he is your greatest teacher, so be thankful he has entered your life

He sounds very understanding and a lovely person - as you do too - so keep battling Sam.

Apologies for waffling!

All the best.

[OEN34]

I posted my reply before seeing your last one.

L

[Sam.I.Am]

Originally Posted by OEN34

Hey Sam,

I'm glad my message resonated with you - that's what we're here for, to help each other

I smiled throughout your message as it sounds all so familiar to a situation I am currently going through, just slight differences here and there, but the mirror thing is spot on, so I empathise with you.

I agree; when you're with someone you deeply connect with and you spend so much time with them, to then be away from them alone, it can really trigger some deep rooted core issues. When you're with them you're in a fantasy bubble at times - it's almost an illusion, in terms of being comfortable and safe and not being triggered etc. Any issues are not coming up. When you're away they can come out of nowhere and that's where the psychological side effects take place.

It is funny that he left you to it giving you space thinking he was doing the 'right thing', yet you wanted him to reach out. Again, I am experiencing something very similar, and what it boils down to is communication. I consider myself very communicable; I like to be very clear on things, very black and white, no wishy-washyness etc, whilst others are the opposite at times, and it frustrates me. I've learnt that I have to respect others as they are doing what they feel is right according to their level of consciousness, but it isn't easy!

So it sounds to me like you both needed (or need going forward) to communicate with one another. Be outright with him in a polite manner. Discuss how you will communicate etc, it really does work. Otherwise I find the same happens what you encountered; you're both thinking for each other which gets you absolutely nowhere other than worry

With your past, I am reading between the lines and I respect and appreciate it is probably private, but does he need to know about it? (rhetorical question). Will it benefit him? Obviously if it is something that you feel he should know and is effectively a large part of who you are today, then sure, when the time is right opening up is necessary IMO. You sound aware enough to know when the time is right and also aware enough to know that avoidance will only feed your fear and current beliefs. Watch yourself grow hugely when you do open up to him! It takes courage, but boy the rewards will far outweigh the fear.

It will hurt him seeing you suffering. Again, I resonate with what you say in my own experience. He is probably frustrated that you aren't opening up some more, and I am the same in my situation. Wonder if it's a male thing? You are shutting down, and shutting him out, which isn't nice to be on the receiving end. I say this with respect as I know we all deal with things differently and this needs appreciating. I am an open book, but others aren't - including you - and this needs respecting.

But as you know, this is deep rooted conditioned beliefs. These aren't new emotions, you're reverting back to how you've dealt with things your entire life, putting your shield up and shutting down. Keep working on the healing and you'll test yourself by opening up to him when you're ready. Communicate this to him, tell him you're working very hard, which by the sounds of it you already have.

But yes, the mirroring thing is very true, and painful, but also so beautiful! Embrace it, learn to love it and work with it - he is your greatest teacher, so be thankful he has entered your life

He sounds very understanding and a lovely person - as you do too - so keep battling Sam.

Apologies for waffling!

All the best.

Yes. I definitely agree with you. I find myself totally at ease when I'm around him, one-on-one, but the anxiety starts as soon as he's away. That, in and of itself, is scary as it shows me just how deeply our heart and souls are connected.

I think finding the balance with a mirror soulmate is tricky. Whether I realize it or not, I expect him to handle communication the same way I do, as our personalities are so similar. He keeps to himself when he's going through a rough time. He'd much rather handle the situation by himself than burden another person with his issue. Essentially, he'd rather be the caregiver as opposed to the caretaker.

With me, I like to be alone when I'm struggling, but I also want the companionship. I don't want people to avoid me or feel as though they need to "tread carefully" if I'm not in the best of moods. I appreciate my SM anticipating my wants and needs. I think that alone shows how much he cares, but I definitely would have preferred communication from him first. But, I do love the idea of appreciating others at their level of consciousness. This is a concept that I would love to begin to practice and aim towards.

Going back to the idea of feeling guilty, I'm wondering if you've ever felt resentment towards your SM? Maybe "resentment" isn't the right word, but I find myself getting frustrated by how he mirrors me. My SM has had a very similar life path to myself (20+ years earlier with same issues regarding chronic pain, anxiety, depression, etc) and at times, I feel like he knows me better than I know myself. I think that, plus not being fully cognizant of what he's mirroring to me, as they are parts of myself that I have yet to explore, have me on the defense. I know that's a fear based response, but is it wrong to just feel annoyed some times?

As I've said before, I feel like communication is an area where the two of us can improve. He's been very receptive to communication thus far, even when we've had some rough conversations about misunderstandings and disagreements. He's very understanding and easy to converse with, but communication has never been my strong suit. I'm also not used to asking for what I need in a relationship, so that adds to my anxiety. Still, I find myself looking more forward to communication, rather than against it. I just know deep down that the rewards will be so much more worth it than hiding behind the fear.

To be honest, what I've been through is very private and personal. He's been through quite a lot himself and so far, hasn't wavered with anything that I've told him thus far. I don't have to tell him anything per say, and he's never pressured me even when questions arised. He's always let me go as far as I've wanted to go.

More so than anything, I just want to release--because they are issues surrounding men, trust, past relationships, etc. I just find that issues from past relationships (and childhood trauma) are spreading their nastiness into this relationship, and stealing the joy because of my irrational fears. And, that alone, hurts me immensely because my SM has been the complete opposite! Neither one of us deserves that past pain. So, while I feel like opening up will help him too, I think it will benefit me more, if that makes sense.

Part of me just feels like I'm trying to rush things. Our relationship has come so far in this past year alone. I just find myself reverting back to old beliefs and it hurts me because I can't understand why. And, while he kind of laughed it off when he said that I needed to trust him more, I could feel the hurt there, and that's never easy.

I am beyond grateful that he has entered my life! I couldn't have asked for a better support system, cheerleader, teacher, and partner in crime. As painful as all of this is, I feel like I just need to embrace the process and see the beauty in it. I think I also have to remember that while yes, this is my healing, my SM should be a partner in the process, not separate from it. And, what an incredible gift that is.

[OEN34]

Originally Posted by Sam.I.Am

Yes. I definitely agree with you. I find myself totally at ease when I'm around him, one-on-one, but the anxiety starts as soon as he's away. That, in and of itself, is scary as it shows me just how deeply our heart and souls are connected.

I think finding the balance with a mirror soulmate is tricky. Whether I realize it or not, I expect him to handle communication the same way I do, as our personalities are so similar. He keeps to himself when he's going through a rough time. He'd much rather handle the situation by himself than burden another person with his issue. Essentially, he'd rather be the caregiver as opposed to the caretaker.

With me, I like to be alone when I'm struggling, but I also want the companionship. I don't want people to avoid me or feel as though they need to "tread carefully" if I'm not in the best of moods. I appreciate my SM anticipating my wants and needs. I think that alone shows how much he cares, but I definitely would have preferred communication from him first. But, I do love the idea of appreciating others at their level of consciousness. This is a concept that I would love to begin to practice and aim towards.

Going back to the idea of feeling guilty, I'm wondering if you've ever felt resentment towards your SM? Maybe "resentment" isn't the right word, but I find myself getting frustrated by how he mirrors me. My SM has had a very similar life path to myself (20+ years earlier with same issues regarding chronic pain, anxiety, depression, etc) and at times, I feel like he knows me better than I know myself. I think that, plus not being fully cognizant of what he's mirroring to me, as they are parts of myself that I have yet to explore, have me on the defense. I know that's a fear based response, but is it wrong to just feel annoyed some times?

As I've said before, I feel like communication is an area where the two of us can improve. He's been very receptive to communication thus far, even when we've had some rough conversations about misunderstandings and disagreements. He's very understanding and easy to converse with, but communication has never been my strong suit. I'm also not used to asking for what I need in a relationship, so that adds to my anxiety. Still, I find myself looking more forward to communication, rather than against it. I just know deep down that the rewards will be so much more worth it than hiding behind the fear.

To be honest, what I've been through is very private and personal. He's been through quite a lot himself and so far, hasn't wavered with anything that I've told him thus far. I don't have to tell him anything per say, and he's never pressured me even when questions arised. He's always let me go as far as I've wanted to go.

More so than anything, I just want to release--because they are issues surrounding men, trust, past relationships, etc. I just find that issues from past relationships (and childhood trauma) are spreading their nastiness into this relationship, and stealing the joy because of my irrational fears. And, that alone, hurts me immensely because my SM has been the complete opposite! Neither one of us deserves that past pain. So, while I feel like opening up will help him too, I think it will benefit me more, if that makes sense.

Part of me just feels like I'm trying to rush things. Our relationship has come so far in this past year alone. I just find myself reverting back to old beliefs and it hurts me because I can't understand why. And, while he kind of laughed it off when he said that I needed to trust him more, I could feel the hurt there, and that's never easy.

I am beyond grateful that he has entered my life! I couldn't have asked for a better support system, cheerleader, teacher, and partner in crime. As painful as all of this is, I feel like I just need to embrace the process and see the beauty in it. I think I also have to remember that while yes, this is my healing, my SM should be a partner in the process, not separate from it. And, what an incredible gift that is.

To me, your anxiety starting after you leave each other wouldn't necessarily represent the deep connection you have as such. I can imagine you do have a deep connection, but the anxiety is stemming from old conditioned beliefs IMO, which you're in the process of healing. Missing someone and wanting to be with them a great deal is definitely part of a great bond, but it shouldn't cause anxiety IMO.

The thing with how we deal with our own issues around others is a strange one and very person-specific. We are all so very different, and as we discussed before, how we deal with things or would like to deal with things is oftentimes very different to that how others do. There is no right or wrong here, and yes, it can be very frustrating, but it needs to be respected from both sides.

A lot is perception, too. You don't want people to tread carefully around you, but what if you are giving that impression off with your low vibration and mood? Again, this comes down to communication. Communication is so simple, yet so overlooked in my experience. It is a very simple thing to do when you think about it. Asking someone a question or two is so simple and effective, and can eradicate an untold amount of if's, buts and maybes!

When someone is in a low mood around me I often ask them how they're feeling, or ''what's going on in your world, then?''. Often this starts a crack and they begin to open up. After that it's a very simple ''How would you like to work through this? Would you like some space or you would like my company and to just be with you? We don't need to talk about anything specific if you don't want'' - something like that, and they know at that point that I'm not having a pop at them, I'm showing empathy and understanding, and I am also showing I am there for them in just my presence if they want. Can go a long way.

I am not sure I have a SM or a TF in all honesty, but I have a very profound connection with someone, which is in 'limbo' status at the moment. This thread isn't about me so I'll refrain from going into it, but what I can say is the mirror thing is spot on. We have had very different backgrounds - polar opposites to some extent, but she has brought a whole host of issues I am now healing through and it isn't easy, but at the same time I love her for it as she is my greatest teacher. I understand the resentment thing; we almost blame them I think? Blame them for leaving us so naked to the old beliefs and issues we haven't healed. I often say most people I know live their lives around their fears, not confront them. Most of my friends live that way. They know no different, having been exposed to their problems, but I can see that if things were to change then they would probably have a breakdown as they are in their comfort zone massively and are living their life around their fears. I say this with the greatest respect to them, I am merely observing them.

But feeling annoyed isn't wrong - accept it and see it for what it is. Your ego is finger pointing at him for it having to be challenged. It doesn't like it

Look at the positives you have taken out of meeting him the past year. You aren't the same person as you were, you have grown.

He sounds very understanding, and you know yourself that these issues you are carrying with you from past experiences are old beliefs that you're clutching on to. In reality, your partner is making you feel anything, you're reverting back to what you know best.

Self-inquiry is the answer here. It can be painful, but it is helpful.

Some of these questions regarding your anxiety when you are apart may help. These are thought responses. Go within and answer, or write them down even, but be brutally honest with yourself.

Here's some examples how it might go. This is very vague as I don't know you or the situation in detail:

Why do I have the thought I am anxious when I am apart from him?

How do I feel about this anxiety?

Why do I believe these thoughts stemming from anxiety to be true?

What needs fulfilling before I can trust someone?

Are these beliefs enhancing or decreasing my life?

How long have I held these beliefs for?

Am I able to make a choice to change them?

etc etc.

You get the gist. This is self-inquiry. Be brutally honest with yourself and don't answer things how you think or want them to be answered as this is illusory at best and will defeat the whole object of the practice.

Hope this help, and all the best.

[Sam.I.Am]

Originally Posted by OEN34

To me, your anxiety starting after you leave each other wouldn't necessarily represent the deep connection you have as such. I can imagine you do have a deep connection, but the anxiety is stemming from old conditioned beliefs IMO, which you're in the process of healing. Missing someone and wanting to be with them a great deal is definitely part of a great bond, but it shouldn't cause anxiety IMO.

The thing with how we deal with our own issues around others is a strange one and very person-specific. We are all so very different, and as we discussed before, how we deal with things or would like to deal with things is oftentimes very different to that how others do. There is no right or wrong here, and yes, it can be very frustrating, but it needs to be respected from both sides.

A lot is perception, too. You don't want people to tread carefully around you, but what if you are giving that impression off with your low vibration and mood? Again, this comes down to communication. Communication is so simple, yet so overlooked in my experience. It is a very simple thing to do when you think about it. Asking someone a question or two is so simple and effective, and can eradicate an untold amount of if's, buts and maybes!

When someone is in a low mood around me I often ask them how they're feeling, or ''what's going on in your world, then?''. Often this starts a crack and they begin to open up. After that it's a very simple ''How would you like to work through this? Would you like some space or you would like my company and to just be with you? We don't need to talk about anything specific if you don't want'' - something like that, and they know at that point that I'm not having a pop at them, I'm showing empathy and understanding, and I am also showing I am there for them in just my presence if they want. Can go a long way.

I am not sure I have a SM or a TF in all honesty, but I have a very profound connection with someone, which is in 'limbo' status at the moment. This thread isn't about me so I'll refrain from going into it, but what I can say is the mirror thing is spot on. We have had very different backgrounds - polar opposites to some extent, but she has brought a whole host of issues I am now healing through and it isn't easy, but at the same time I love her for it as she is my greatest teacher. I understand the resentment thing; we almost blame them I think? Blame them for leaving us so naked to the old beliefs and issues we haven't healed. I often say most people I know live their lives around their fears, not confront them. Most of my friends live that way. They know no different, having been exposed to their problems, but I can see that if things were to change then they would probably have a breakdown as they are in their comfort zone massively and are living their life around their fears. I say this with the greatest respect to them, I am merely observing them.

But feeling annoyed isn't wrong - accept it and see it for what it is. Your ego is finger pointing at him for it having to be challenged. It doesn't like it

Look at the positives you have taken out of meeting him the past year. You aren't the same person as you were, you have grown.

He sounds very understanding, and you know yourself that these issues you are carrying with you from past experiences are old beliefs that you're clutching on to. In reality, your partner is making you feel anything, you're reverting back to what you know best.

Self-inquiry is the answer here. It can be painful, but it is helpful.

Some of these questions regarding your anxiety when you are apart may help. These are thought responses. Go within and answer, or write them down even, but be brutally honest with yourself.

Here's some examples how it might go. This is very vague as I don't know you or the situation in detail:

Why do I have the thought I am anxious when I am apart from him?

How do I feel about this anxiety?

Why do I believe these thoughts stemming from anxiety to be true?

What needs fulfilling before I can trust someone?

Are these beliefs enhancing or decreasing my life?

How long have I held these beliefs for?

Am I able to make a choice to change them?

etc etc.

You get the gist. This is self-inquiry. Be brutally honest with yourself and don't answer things how you think or want them to be answered as this is illusory at best and will defeat the whole object of the practice.

Hope this help, and all the best.

I can agree with that. I think I might have misspoken slightly. There is definitely a longing for him, even though I can feel his presence and his energy at most times. I think the lack of physical presence causes anxiety, not because of how deeply rooted we are connected, but rather because I feel very strong and at peace within his presence. The quiet moments alone are the times when I feel uptight, anxious, and were past wounds begin to feed on whatever contentment I've found.

Perhaps, that's where the separation needs to take place. Yes, my ego is being triggered. Yes, my long held beliefs are being challenged. But, that's whats causing the anxiety, not the relationship in and of itself. I appreciate that clarity and will look deeper into that.

In general, I think maintaining the proper perception has been a challenge for me, especially in a depression mindset. Your energy feels so "typical" in your mind that you can't see past your own fog to really look at the reality of a situation.

Communication on both ends seems to be the best answer to at least see the situation more clearly. As you mentioned, a lot of the anxiety-based questions will be answered on their own by just opening the discussion up. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to exist in the first place. And, who knows what beauty will find and what lessons we'll learn in the process? Seems like a win-win to me.

I totally agree about the feeling naked part of what you wrote. There's a large age difference between my SM and I, with him being the older of the two. As I had mentioned previously, he went through a very similar life path to myself when he was in his twenties--the same life path I'm going through now. The only difference being that he didn't have a "mentor/teacher" or a "soulmate" to help him a long the way, as I currently have him.

He's definitely been my greatest teacher and I have learned so much from him. There's no doubt in my mind that we still have a great deal to learn from each other and that I wouldn't have gotten as far as I have without his love and support. But, with that being said, there can be a slight disconnect at times.

I'll try to explain it as best as I can. Essentially, he guides me as if he were guiding his 20yr old self, but he's doing so from all of his collective experiences and emotions that have accumulated over the past 20+ years. Obviously, I am incredibly grateful, but I guess I almost feel more "naked" in a sense, because I'm going off blind faith. At the very least it feels that way at times because I am trying to find my footing and at the same time, meet him at his level of understanding.

Sorry if that was a mouthful! There's a slight annoyance on my end because I'm just not there yet (at his level of understanding) and I so desperately want to get there because he has found a great deal of peace. My anxiety also makes me feel guilty because he has repeatedly come from the mindset of not wanting to hurt me. He's told me that from the get go and has been quite understanding of my discomfort.

Either way, I think understanding and acceptance is key here, as you had mentioned. I need to accept where I'm at, rather than fight it. Isn't the battle between the emotions and the heart that's causing the pain in the first place?

I will definitely use the questions you listed as journal and meditation prompts, also. But, I feel like perspective is key. I need to stop labeling my emotions and relationships as "threats," but rather as building blocks toward healing and better understanding. Ultimately, that's all I've ever wanted from this relationship--love, support, companionship, growth, and to be able to give all of those things in return. The foundation is obviously there. Now, it's time to change my perspective to let it all actually flourish.