My husband...

[Angnix]

Now he's in the hospital and I can hardly sleep because I can't sleep well without him anymore. They are talking about getting visiting nurses for him and this town has support groups for depression, etc and we just moved back to our old town and I want to reconnect with my old best friend.

He had diabetes when I met him but he just grew sicker and sicker over the years.

I've had suggestions we need to find things to do by ourselves during the day because spending all the time together could be hurting us.

[Ziusudra]

Great!
Have the visiting nurses and others to help him.
Take a break and get into a support group. -
Take care of yourself.
And yes, you need to do something for/with yourself - away from each other. (even he is healthy) - maybe a part time job? a volunteer work? some classes?
You do not need his permission to have your own personal space and life.
You just have to let him know how important for you to have your own space/life to stay in the marriage with him.
He has to deal with his own insecurity. He just needs to know that he can trust you. You can assure him.

Keep remembering those marriage vows.
We don't marry for good times. We marry because of those bad times when we need each other.

[Gem]

Originally Posted by Angnix

Now he's in the hospital and I can hardly sleep because I can't sleep well without him anymore. They are talking about getting visiting nurses for him and this town has support groups for depression, etc and we just moved back to our old town and I want to reconnect with my old best friend.

He had diabetes when I met him but he just grew sicker and sicker over the years.

I've had suggestions we need to find things to do by ourselves during the day because spending all the time together could be hurting us.

Good idea. Touch base with your old friend, have the visiting nurses, and if think a support group would benefit you, do that, too. Also do the things you like to do for yourself as you say. Maybe some bird watching. The support you need is coming around you now in this most difficult time.

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by Jatd

In sickness and Health is what marriage is all about.

When we marry another, we VOW and commit to loving them and caring for them in sickness and health. You gave your word and your heart to this man.
It makes me VERY sad for him to know that you are complaining because you are bored. How unfair. Imagine the shoe on the other foot.
You sound very selfish and it I 100% believe in Karma, what goes around comes around.
Your husband needs you. Love is unconditional. Love is selfless. Love gives up all selfish needs and love does not expect anything in return.
No one said it would be easy. I am not religious but I do believe this is what the saying "Carry your cross" means. We have to carry our burdens and deal with them, and honor and love them!

You can still be married and enjoy time with your friends, or go to the gym, or read books, or join a club, or make crafts, ... you don't have to give your life up simply because your husband is sick.

That being said, if you are holding resentment and treating him badly it sounds to me like he might be better off without someone like you. He deserves better than that.

Geezzz, what century do you live in?
Getting married doesn't equal sentenced for life. Things can change, life happens, feelings change.
No one should have to stay with someone they don't love anymore, most certainly not hold these idiotic wedding vows against them. IF she even took those, I mean, are they still in use?
They aren't where I live, totally outdated stuff.
Marriage is not about "Till death do us part", marriage is about love and happiness. If the love has gone there's no reason to stay together anymore.
The idea you have to stay together comes from church & patriarchal society who've created these rules to keep us small.

What if the man had just been a lot older and not ill and she felt this way? Would you have judged as harshly too?
It's very condescending to judge a woman for not wanting to be a nurse. It's not a woman's and wife's job to be a nurse, maid, cleaner and so on. I mean seriously, get with the times and have some respect for women.
"If you'd be ill, would he take care of you?"
Of course not, he's ill himself. And even if he did, it doesn't matter at all. If one doesn't feel it anymore, they don't feel it anymore. Fact that the other does is NOT part of the equation at all.

This happening is the risk HE took when he married her. Him being older should've been able to expect this in the future. Someone who's younger usually cannot fathom what it's going to be like to be with someone who's old and ill when you are still young and blossoming.

But none of that matters: when love has gone, love has gone. Regardless of the other's age and state of health.
No one should be obliged to play nurse. That's not what marriage is about.

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

Geezzz, what century do you live in?

Does the century matter? Fact is, the institution of marriage lingers on and vows are attached to the act. For someone who can't keep vows and adapt to living as it goes, don't make them.
Things come and go over the centuries but the basics of human nature don't really change.

Marriage is not about "Till death do us part", marriage is about love and happiness. If the love has gone there's no reason to stay together anymore.

Maybe best to write to the appropriate Synod/Authority and have this clause removed from the contract - or changed to read "until the sex gets boring or my partner gets too sick for me to care, or I win the lottery."

Since when has marriage been about love? Does anyone know what love is? Honestly?

[Rachella]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

Geezzz, what century do you live in?
Getting married doesn't equal sentenced for life. Things can change, life happens, feelings change.
No one should have to stay with someone they don't love anymore, most certainly not hold these idiotic wedding vows against them. IF she even took those, I mean, are they still in use?
They aren't where I live, totally outdated stuff.
Marriage is not about "Till death do us part", marriage is about love and happiness. If the love has gone there's no reason to stay together anymore.
The idea you have to stay together comes from church & patriarchal society who've created these rules to keep us small.

What if the man had just been a lot older and not ill and she felt this way? Would you have judged as harshly too?
It's very condescending to judge a woman for not wanting to be a nurse. It's not a woman's and wife's job to be a nurse, maid, cleaner and so on. I mean seriously, get with the times and have some respect for women.
"If you'd be ill, would he take care of you?"
Of course not, he's ill himself. And even if he did, it doesn't matter at all. If one doesn't feel it anymore, they don't feel it anymore. Fact that the other does is NOT part of the equation at all.

This happening is the risk HE took when he married her. Him being older should've been able to expect this in the future. Someone who's younger usually cannot fathom what it's going to be like to be with someone who's old and ill when you are still young and blossoming.

But none of that matters: when love has gone, love has gone. Regardless of the other's age and state of health.
No one should be obliged to play nurse. That's not what marriage is about.

My father has taken care of my mother who was ill with cancer for seven years. Till the end, she said how lucky she was, comparing to other women with her same medical conditions and dumped by their husbands who couldn't handle the stress and were looking for a healthier and younger replacement. With this I don't want to suggest any right or wrong view on the matter (nobody can judge), but if the OP was a man and the sick spouse a woman, would you still be reacting like this? What does being condescending really mean?

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by Rachella

My father has taken care of my mother who was ill with cancer for seven years. Till the end, she said how lucky she was, comparing to other women with her same medical conditions and dumped by their husbands who couldn't handle the stress and were looking for a healthier and younger replacement. With this I don't want to suggest any right or wrong view on the matter (nobody can judge), but if the OP was a man and the sick spouse a woman, would you still be reacting like this? What does being condescending really mean?

Yes, I would react the same way as I have great antipathy against the obsolete 'rule' that was imposed on us by church (= patriarchal society) thousands of years ago. It leaves no space for the individual's growth and change, as a matter of fact, growth and personal development was discouraged by church. You had to walk along the beaten path -the one invented by the ones in power => the ones from church- until you died. No one wanted you to start thinking for yourself. Your personal happiness didn't matter. Obeying them was (and apparently still is).

We are currently moving away from patriarchal systems (Age of Pisces) towards the Age of Aquarius which is all about love and oneness and not about idiotic rules and regulation and ramming these down people's throats.

It is wonderful if someone chooses to take care of their ill spouse if they do so because they love that person.
There's absolutely nothing wrong if the love dies and you cannot handle being a nurse to someone who happens to be your official partner. That's why we have freedom of choice (THANK GOODNESS!!!) and the option to divorce.
Many people merely stay together because they're afraid to leave or because they fear judgement from family and peers.
Thank goodness this influence is getting less, although in some countries it's still strong, even in some Western cultures. And isn't it funny that you always see this in areas where people are still horribly religious?
Religion isn't about love, although they pretend to and although it should be, it's about power over people, making people walk in the treadmill of their choice.

I answered your question, which you likely used to avoid mine. So how about mine:
Would you feel the same way if she didn't feel it anymore for her husband had he not been ill?
And if you feel that's would be okay, then his age and illness is the issue for you. Meaning that a woman has to play nurse even if the love has gone. Why?

Also... where are those vows still in use? Likely back to religious areas/countries.
Over here I don't think they were even used anymore when my parents married in the early 60.

I must say I'm quite shocked to see that so many people still follow old-fashioned rules that have no regard for the individual, and even ask "What has love got to do with marriage?"
Shocking, especially on a spiritual forum where people should understand that we aren't born to suffer and to plod but to love and create and find happiness in life.

[Khalli]

I had something similar happen in my marriage in 2006. My wife at the time had an addiction to meth and I didn't want it in my life or home. So She moved out for 4 months and her life fell apart. She eventually came to her senses and moved back home, but, things weren't the same and I was planning on divorcing her.

A month after she moved back in she fell ill and went in a coma for 3 months and spent 8.5 months in the hospital and another year and a half to recover. Needless to say I honored my vows and didn't divorce her.

I now wish I had as the next 10 years were some of the worst I ever had. I finally divorced her in 2016. One should always listen to their intuition and feelings instead of keeping the vows the other doesn't respect.

[spiritualll]

Khali, I totally understand your case because in this case she was morally repugnant but the author of this topic seems to have a husband who loves her, who needs her and yes there were vows taken at the marriage. What's the point of these vows if you divorce when someone is seriously ill and needs the most help? It's so sad when people divorce.

My parents have a dysfunctional marriage. But if they divorced everything would be much worse for them. They need each other and they even love each other.

[43 Bicycles]

If you love him stay....if you're not satisfied sexually...find someone who does the trick for you...in which case you can be honest about it or creep. If you don't love him but are staying for the sex.....let him know....and then do whatever you want. If you're staying with him for money and you're woried about getting cut off from the $$$ then I'll bite my tongue there. Either way you sound sketchy....