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  #1  
Old 09-06-2018, 11:58 AM
SerendipityLizard SerendipityLizard is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 420
 
How can I let go of my belief that I'm crazy?

Ever since this whole spiritual awakening from a year ago, I've been doubting myself over and over. The ideas about higher self, mediumship, nonduality, reiki, and many other topics still blow my mind.

It's just that it's been overwhelming to transition from strong atheism to strong spiritualism about the world very suddenly. Well, not exactly suddenly, but it feels that way everyday.

One of the things that overwhelm me is the idea that I'm a lightworker on Earth. I've been living here with multiple lifetimes since the start of mankind, and next time, I'll still be in for the ride.

I have a very strong sense of purpose then, and with avoiding it all my life, without it, I feel empty. I've even felt strong suicidal thoughts before if I ignored this need to act on my sense of purpose, and something about growing enormously fills me with passion.

But I still want to avoid it. I don't want that responsibility. I don't want all the trials of growing and developing. I don't want the big vision of sharing some powerful ideas and talents I could have in the future. A huge part of me just wants to be normal, but as I go through life, moving away from my deep love for purpose is pure suffering. I want to be safe, yet I'm always moving for the "crazy" choice no matter how afraid I am.

Something tells me I'm supposed to do something big here, but I don't want to follow that. I'm not special. I don't want to be overly egotistical. I'm not ready to just merge with oness and all there is. I don't want to attract so much attention that people will reject, criticize or disagree with me -- but something tells me that I have to speak out. Speak out for something, but what is it? I don't want to know.

How can I just let go and follow through?
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  #2  
Old 09-06-2018, 12:37 PM
Nameless Nameless is offline
Master
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Over the Rainbow
Posts: 2,729
 
Hey Serendipity Lizard,

I did these 2 beautiful meditations last night, and the energy I felt was amazing and enormous and I feel so good this morning, even though my life hasn't changed one iota from when I went to bed until I woke up this morning (except for this crazy dream LOL).

The reason I'm pointing this out is because spirituality is an inside job. And if it doesn't make you feel better to know about all this stuff and start learning more about it and feeling it and feeling better within yourself, then you are not going to change your outside world.

I have been "awoke" since about 2012, I have changed so much as a person, yet in some ways I haven't changed at all. My relationships have changed, and yet they haven't.

I think what has really changed is my perspective of myself. I feel stronger and whole, for the first time. I had always felt like something was missing, and I found that part. I had always looked to tomorrow to fix whatever was wrong with today, instead of enjoying today as much as I possibly can. Enjoying the people I am with and really connecting with them.

I will say one thing that has changed. My family is the same and I thank God for that everyday. We are all spiritual, and our relationships have deepened as life has happened and we have evolved to a place I never would have understood in 2011. But to the outside world, nothing changed. All our non immediate family members know we are weird and we embrace the weird and they are ok with that. I thought they would be so judgmental - it turns out, if you are yourself and enjoy what you are doing and share that with these folks, most of them just understand that you are happy and that's really all that matters to them.

Spirituality helped me find a job, and the job I found had such wonderful people in it (well, there was this one....but obviously I had to work through the energy of that). So to the outside world, I still work in the field I was in all my life, but I work with different people. I no longer have the authoritative, bullying boss, or the chatty Kathy co-workers. I chose, from what I didn't like about my past jobs, to work with people I respected and who respected me. That was on my list of job requirements, among working close to home so I didn't have to take the freeway - and I got back 2 hours of my day just with that.

So spirituality changes what you want to put up with and what you are no longer willing to. I have left friends behind because of their bigotry, and found many new ones to take their place.

So your life doesn't completely have to change. It is just, it is a sort of emerging from the closet. I tell my daughter, who is gay and married to her wife and who has a child and who is psychic and clairvoyant and a medium and channeler and a Reiki Master and the sweetest, most graceful person I have ever met that I don't think she has any more closets to come out of LOL.

So you can't eat the whole apple with this. Just take one bite at a time, for yourself, to make yourself happy. Just do one thing to make yourself happy, and follow your guidance.

They will lead you to where you are wanting to go.

As far as feeling crazy, I choose to call it weird instead and I embrace the weirdness of it. I want to be weird, because being normal like everyone else for 50 years was not as exciting as being weird for a few years has felt.

For me it is about JOY. And it is not all a bed of roses. It is learning about yourself by what you have surrounded yourself with, what you feel about certain things, why you care about certain things, and if you want to change any of that.

Along the way, I learned that i wanted to learn to channel. I was out of work, and bored, and this idea lit up my world. And I was on a quest, and I felt so alive and invigorated. This quest stirred up a lot of my baggage. I had to deal with my life theme (which I had avoided all my life - I had become so good at avoidance that when I realized what I had done, I was shocked at how good I was at it.) I could not learn to channel until I cleared my path of the debris field LOL. That is a journey all its own, and it wasn't fun, having to grow, but I did it, tears and all. It changed my life and my relationships and how I dealt with people and it was all good, looking back. Living it didn't feel so good, but I didn't loose that wanting to learn to channel. I didn't see the connection at the time, and why I couldn't connect.

When I did channel, it was amazing. It was a complete session, and it flowed gently and easily from my pen onto the paper. And when I read it back, I wept. It was so loving and meant so much to me.

And I had about a week's worth of feeling on top of the world when doubt crept in. What if I was crazy? Wouldn't people think I was crazy? Isn't this what they get the white suits out for and take you away? What had I been thinking? Of course this was nuts. ---- And I told myself I was crazy. For about a day. And it didn't feel good. So I told the Sky, never mind. Don't call me, I'll call you.

And for 24 hours, I shut down my connection completely. And on the 2nd day, I couldn't handle it. My life felt so flat. All the newfound eagerness and anticipation and Joy had gone.

And I had to decide. I had a decision. I could embrace the crazy and be happy, or let it go and be flat.

So that is your choice, and I think at some point, one everyone that believes in all this stuff makes.

Do you want to go back to being flat stanley?

Just some thoughts from the peanut gallery.

Oh, and if you are looking for like minded real people to play with, try MeetUp. In my area, there are literally hundreds of MeetUp groups and every spiritual topic you could think of. Your neighbors, in your town. Pretty cool. Yes, some charge a fee to go, but MeetUp does charge fees, and sometimes they ask for donations instead of a small fee for each meeting. Some are free. I started one called Abrahamsters because I wanted to meet people who knew about Abraham and I didn't know anyone beside me and my family who knew about them. And I held it in the park under a beautiful tree. And the weather didn't cooperate the first time (I guess my energy was split) and so I had to cancel and I tried again. And people showed up. This was five or so years ago, and I still am connected to some of these people. Lovely, whole, fun, awesome people.

So that part of my life has changed, but from the outside, I look the same.

But I am not flat anymore.

Hope this helps :)
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  #3  
Old 09-06-2018, 01:13 PM
SerendipityLizard SerendipityLizard is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 420
 
Sorry Nameless, but even with such a well thought out answer, it still doesn't make much of a difference.

I know much of the advice you give. I know about changing one's inner self. I clearly know about the benefits. I clearly have experienced lots of growth and love and wisdom.

I know how to channel. I've been meditating for years since I was a child. I know calmness, and I know what it's like to merge with oneness. But everything you said just made me feel like so much of a coward in comparison. Just why aren't I doing this right? Why am I not dealing with all this quickly enough? Why am I so easily hurt?

But for some reason -- it's still distressing. For some reason I'm still deeply lonely about this all. Still deeply scared. Still ready to fully accept the journey but still feel lacking of affirmation from anyone to cheer me on.

I guess I didn't really want advice. I've already tried everything. Tried everything except talking to someone about it and hearing their affirmation back.
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  #4  
Old 09-06-2018, 01:46 PM
Jack of Spades Jack of Spades is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Finland
Posts: 203
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Could it be that what you're looking for is validation? I'm going to guess that as an atheist, you had plenty of external validation (social and/or academic) for what you were and believed in. Maybe you are simply used to having a certain level of external validation (theoretical, academic, social, whatever), and the absence of that validation is bothering you, and pushing you into trying to figure out a way to walk the new path in a way that you would have the same level of external validation that you had as an atheist?

If you're this time on a path that is more solitary, you might have to find a peace from within yourself only this time, in order to move on, not from external validation. It's a tough thing to develop, but if you manage to develop such an internal validation that is coming from within, it's a real diamond to find, to be able to genuinely not care about how other people react to your beliefs.

Just a suggestion!
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  #5  
Old 09-06-2018, 01:59 PM
Nameless Nameless is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Over the Rainbow
Posts: 2,729
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SerendipityLizard
Sorry Nameless, but even with such a well thought out answer, it still doesn't make much of a difference.

I know much of the advice you give. I know about changing one's inner self. I clearly know about the benefits. I clearly have experienced lots of growth and love and wisdom.

I know how to channel. I've been meditating for years since I was a child. I know calmness, and I know what it's like to merge with oneness. But everything you said just made me feel like so much of a coward in comparison. Just why aren't I doing this right? Why am I not dealing with all this quickly enough? Why am I so easily hurt?

But for some reason -- it's still distressing. For some reason I'm still deeply lonely about this all. Still deeply scared. Still ready to fully accept the journey but still feel lacking of affirmation from anyone to cheer me on.

I guess I didn't really want advice. I've already tried everything. Tried everything except talking to someone about it and hearing their affirmation back.

Sorry if I sounded preachy. It was more meant to be a sharing than a, you need to do this or that sort of thing. I am working on not coming off as preachy...apparently I still have some work to do, so thank you for the validation
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  #6  
Old 09-06-2018, 03:05 PM
barrynu barrynu is offline
Ascender
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 841
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SerendipityLizard
Sorry Nameless, but even with such a well thought out answer, it still doesn't make much of a difference.

I know much of the advice you give. I know about changing one's inner self. I clearly know about the benefits. I clearly have experienced lots of growth and love and wisdom.

I know how to channel. I've been meditating for years since I was a child. I know calmness, and I know what it's like to merge with oneness. But everything you said just made me feel like so much of a coward in comparison. Just why aren't I doing this right? Why am I not dealing with all this quickly enough? Why am I so easily hurt?

But for some reason -- it's still distressing. For some reason I'm still deeply lonely about this all. Still deeply scared. Still ready to fully accept the journey but still feel lacking of affirmation from anyone to cheer me on.

I guess I didn't really want advice. I've already tried everything. Tried everything except talking to someone about it and hearing their affirmation back.

Sometimes that's what we need to do....Just vent our thought's and frustrations and in doing so we make space inside for a new insight.
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  #7  
Old 09-06-2018, 03:08 PM
barrynu barrynu is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 841
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nameless
Sorry if I sounded preachy. It was more meant to be a sharing than a, you need to do this or that sort of thing. I am working on not coming off as preachy...apparently I still have some work to do, so thank you for the validation

I didn't find you preachy.....I'v never heard of a flat stanley but he does sound a bit dull.LOL..(Is stanley even a person?)
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  #8  
Old 09-06-2018, 03:37 PM
Eelco
Posts: n/a
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SerendipityLizard
.

But I still want to avoid it. I don't want that responsibility. I don't want all the trials of growing and developing. I don't want the big vision of sharing some powerful ideas and talents I could have in the future. A huge part of me just wants to be normal, but as I go through life, moving away from my deep love for purpose is pure suffering. I want to be safe, yet I'm always moving for the "crazy" choice no matter how afraid I am.

Something tells me I'm supposed to do something big here, but I don't want to follow that. I'm not special. I don't want to be overly egotistical. I'm not ready to just merge with oness and all there is. I don't want to attract so much attention that people will reject, criticize or disagree with me -- but something tells me that I have to speak out. Speak out for something, but what is it? I don't want to know.

How can I just let go and follow through?

This may sound corny, but patience is your biggest friend here. You have a lifetime to accomplish one big thing. Chances are you will only know of it, long after you did it.

Life is funny that way. Just by being you. You will affect numerous things on this planet and beyond. You don't have to search for it. Or actively avoid it. Just live your life according to your best guesses at any one time. Life will unfold itself regardless of your decisions. If you are here to do this big thing you will do it anyway, even by happenstance because it is your purpose.

Patience, enjoy life, make the best of it and follow your heart from moment to moment. You will have ups and downs like any of us.

Breathe. Enjoy the sun. Curse the storms and just be human.

With love
Eelco
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  #9  
Old 09-06-2018, 11:09 PM
Nameless Nameless is offline
Master
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Over the Rainbow
Posts: 2,729
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by barrynu
I didn't find you preachy.....I'v never heard of a flat stanley but he does sound a bit dull.LOL..(Is stanley even a person?)


HA. He is a bit dull. It was a thing a while back in the US, with schoolchildren. They would draw a picture of Stanley (I don't know who Stanley is based off of or where he originated, probably with school teachers) and give it to someone they knew who was going on a trip. Then that person had to take Stanley with them, and take pictures with him in the picture. So Stanley and Grandma & Grandpa were at the Colluseum, or the Louve, or where ever. It really caught on. You can probably google flat stanley and a lot of flat stanley pictures show up.

Oh, I had to google it - http://www.flatstanleyproject.com/ And it appears I was not correct. Flat Stanley has had quite a ride...

Well, I was a very preachy Mom, and over the years as my kids are now adults and have been for many years, that has to go, but it is a hard habit to break. I inherited it from my mom :) But thank you for the thought.
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  #10  
Old 10-06-2018, 07:18 AM
Dan_SF Dan_SF is offline
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Posts: 1,295
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SerendipityLizard
1. Something tells me I'm supposed to do something big here
2. I'm not ready to just merge with oness and all there is.
3.Speak out for something, but what is it? I don't want to know.

4.But I still want to avoid it. I don't want that responsibility.

How can I just let go and follow through?

1. Yes you came here to heal the world

2. It won't happen too soon, this is well timed and in reality it is already done, but while you still think that you are in time you will get glimpses of oneness more and more.

3. If you have a sense of purpose, then whatever this sense tells you, speak for it.

4. Don't worry, whatever you imagine about this, it wont come like that. Instead you will be at the right time, at the right place. Doing or saying or giving or helping. And you will do only what you are ready to do.

Sometime it will be a word of courage, sometime you will give money because you can, sometime even a smile is enough.
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God is Love, and therefore so am I. What is not of God, has no power to do anything. - ACIM Sparkly Edition.
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