I am so confused, what is a form of cheating in a relationship?

[12 counsellors]

Holly Thank you so much for your reply.

I feel like a fool, because even though we may not have had a sexual relationship going for around 6 years, my partner had me believing it was a self worth thing, and may be it is, I dont know, but if the addiction is what is making my partner react this way then all the words, feelings and support encouragements and love is making me feel like a fool.

The thing is I still love my partner and the relationship counsellor says I am also to blame for this because I in some sense found a form of comfort in it if it has been going on for 3 years and our sex life has been non existant for 6.

Honestly that took me by surprise, because I wasnt even aware of it going on for three years. And partly in feeling like a fool was that if I am to blame for this as well, I dont see how I would have taken responsibility over it if I wasnt aware of it in the first place. If I knew then, I would have done something about it.

My point as well is if I take my partner back, and we work through this through a means of guided support and this happens again, then I am the idiot, but if this doenst happen and it resolves then I am forever grateful.



Delsol, thank you for explaining that to me. It is much appreciated.

[NurtureInNature84]

I can not stress it enough, set boundaries with each other when you start the relationship. Yes it is a complete buzz kill conversation but from personal experience I will be doing this in the future just so me and partner can be on the same page and know whats going to cause trouble.

[Shaunc]

I find it hard to believe that anyone could be in a sex less relationship for 6 years and not expect their partner to start looking around. I'm sorry to be the bad guy in this thread but I agree with the counselor, you are partly to blame and for the life of me I can't understand why you'd or your partner would want to save a relationship like this.
I've been married for 16 years and have 4 kids and I honestly don't think that in that time we've ever gone 2 weeks without sex and 2 or 3 times a week is probably our average.

[shoni7510]

In terms of sexting and whatnot that is cheating, no doubt about it. The why part is complex and you are giving out facts in dribs and drabs. It is not healthy to be in a romantic relationship and not have sex, that is a red flag and for 6 years! It is also not usual that a partner will cheat for 3 years and you suspect or see nothing; there is no intimacy there!

[Delsol]

Just another two cents, but I believe you should NOT beat yourself up too much about the no-sex situation that went on for so long. Yes, you have to assume a little blame, but so does she. Google it. It happens in long term relationships, is very, very common. If you both want to stay together, take it as a mutual wake-up call that your intimacy on all levels might need a reboot. There is an excellent book called the Four Seasons of Marriage that might help. Hang in there!

[Holly]

Originally Posted by 12 counsellors

Holly Thank you so much for your reply.

I feel like a fool, because even though we may not have had a sexual relationship going for around 6 years, my partner had me believing it was a self worth thing, and may be it is, I dont know, but if the addiction is what is making my partner react this way then all the words, feelings and support encouragements and love is making me feel like a fool.

The thing is I still love my partner and the relationship counsellor says I am also to blame for this because I in some sense found a form of comfort in it if it has been going on for 3 years and our sex life has been non existant for 6.

Honestly that took me by surprise, because I wasnt even aware of it going on for three years. And partly in feeling like a fool was that if I am to blame for this as well, I dont see how I would have taken responsibility over it if I wasnt aware of it in the first place. If I knew then, I would have done something about it.

My point as well is if I take my partner back, and we work through this through a means of guided support and this happens again, then I am the idiot, but if this doenst happen and it resolves then I am forever grateful.



Delsol, thank you for explaining that to me. It is much appreciated.

I wouldn't want to step on whatever the counsellor is doing by having a visible opinion I suppose you may be in a better position than some people who bring spiritual problems on here, in that you have a professional helping you, at least with the emotional aspect of this.

What you do with your relationship is a very personal choice. Nobody can really advise you, but I don't think you should beat yourself up too much. Everyone makes mistakes. We make mistakes even when we've had LOTS of experience making mistakes! I know 70 year olds still doing really stupid things!

Maybe look at this way...you lived in a sexless relationship with someone for a long time. That means you valued the person enough to stay. That shows you're loyal and caring, and you build deep relationships, right? So that's good news for you, even though there's obviously a lot of bad going on too. I've started trying to find the silver lining in my bad times ;) Takes the sting out a little bit.

Whatever you do, make the choice with your heart, not your head. (The head requires justification, but a heartfelt decisions will leave you happier.)