What's Stopping Me from Conflicting and Hurting Others?

[Windbreeze]

Hi there,

I am in my 30s. The more I live, the more I feel special as I discover my strengths and weaknesses. Is saying "Don't mess with someone who handles your food" familiar to you? I refer to this when I describe a situation when someone is in a superior position of having power over you and you are being at their mercy because they can use their position against you.

Example would be waiter having a bad day handling your food and making a mistake in serving. The outcome will depend on your response. Being a calm and empathetic person will result in a positive outcome to both sides while being impatient and egotistic person will result in a negative outcome for both, with a chance of a waiter getting angrier and "spoiling" your food. This situation can be seen in "Waiting..." movie as it shows what happens behind the scenes.

Here are more examples:

- A lawyer who can betray you
- Accountaint that can miscount your income
- Doctor who will not give you enough/right attention
- Store clerk overharging you
- And any other situation where what you are trying to achieve depends on trust between both parties

We are all here to help each other and are to "bridge the gaps" on each other's life journey. One cannot accomplish everything by himself by mastering every skill and doing everyhing without help from others.

My problem is that I often tend to compromise when it comes to conflict between myself and the service provider (the other party) after I relied and put my trust in them. It always feels like if I start arquing and being angressive by showing their mistake or mess it would backfire on me because they would use their position to hurt me. They will no longer see me as I want to appear to them, being someone who wants to build a trust and receive attention from them.

So I compromise by not saying what I should say and often lose on it because I hope to leave them before they exercise their power against me and find someone I can trust. Even if that means losing time and maybe money from our transaction. I found myself being the one who tries to handle the most because of the fear I described here. You might be saying that this happens very rarely and I am just making up these conflict situations in my mind but it still happens, doesn't it?

Referring to examples above that I gave, before walking out of transaction that would not result in optimal ending I would think what would happen if I voiced my opinion, pointing to their mistake or started shouting on them due to neglecting me?

- Would lawyer steal intellectual property or did not do his best to prove me not guilty?

- Would accountant cause me problems with IRS?

- Would doctor care less to prevent the issue at hand?

- Would store clerk overcharged me in a way I would not find out?

What would be your advice? Is there a term that gives definition to people such as me?

Thanks!

[Dan_SF]

Do you believe in God ?

How many times have you avoided conflict, and lost something, but then later something good has happened to you ?

Everything happens for a reason, just let it happen. If you Trust in God, you will recognize the Good and leave the 'bad' behind in the nothingness in which it was imagined.

'Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth'

It's a question of morals and attitude to me. It's something that has to be
basically sorted out as part of social development as much as spiritual, upon
which it gets refined.

Losing the emotive terms like "betrayed" for a moment, in mundane
society if you pay for a service or product you're morally entitled to that service.
If you don't get it, the server has failed in their duty and you do what's necessary to put things right.

Sometimes it leads to argument but you are still entitled to what you've paid for.

A great deal has been done to protect the ordinary "consumer". Grievances can be redressed.
So if that moral equation I mentioned up there goes out
of balance, complain if necessary. It isn't always without arbitration.
Sometimes you buy things relying on judgement, "gradings" and things so your judgement
might differ from that of a merchant / service provider. Much litigation is about this.

When it comes to personal stuff like relationships whatever they be you have certain moral rights.
Others may not agree with them so you may have to "litigate" to get things sorted out.

Compromise is good.

It's up to us to decide - our strengths, assertiveness, level of disappointment over a bad deal,
cost, who ultimately should "pay", how reliable are judgements and an honest reckoning of our failings.
If we should make a bad decision or drive a point too far we have to be honest, back down and learn.

...

[RedRose]

I can understand your dilemma...I used to be the same way, worry about other people's reactions which ended up changing the way I'd behave, etc.

Ultimately, I think it's how you approach people with "situations"...But even then, people will still react the way THEY want to and you'll need to accept its outcome...As long as you are being authentic and true to yourself.

I've been in situations where 2 people with 2 different approaches for the same exact situation can bring about 2 different results just because of the approach differences.....I see it many times these days because my husband, being a narcissist, and I, not being one, get 2 different reactions from strangers (i.e. Waiters, cashiers, etc), friends, and even from family members (i.e. our son, my in-laws, my parents, etc)...If you are not pointing out mistakes by others obnoxiously or trying to prove "you're right and they're wrong", other people seem to be more receptive and will tend to work with you on correcting the error...But if you berate them and are not very understanding towards them about it just being a mistake, then yes, people will be just as unkind back.

I've always found that mistakes don't seem to be blown out of proportion when I find that I do my part in following up on situations...Like making sure I got a copy of anything I signed or were mailed into the IRS so that in case of mistakes, I'd have the exact copies that were mailed, etc...or I'd call to make sure they got all the forms signed, etc...Humans make mistakes...But I've learned that I can try and do my part in minimizing it.

And if people are just having a bad day, I find that giving them a happy feedback or lending an ear can do wonders..:)..I know whenever I have a bad day, I always remember and are grateful for those who made me smile through it..:)

Are you finding yourself in these types of situations?...Or are you ultimately being kind in your approach and you're still receiving very harsh responses from others?..If it's the latter, I'm wondering if there's a lesson there that needs to be learned...I'm finding out that sometimes similar situations will keep reappearing until you respond to it the way you're meant to, whether it means you need to learn to not care what others think as long as you are being real/truthful/authentically yourself or if you're meant to speak up for yourself and not allow others to mow you over with their wrong-doing, etc....Or maybe you are to learn to not care about certain mistakes others made because it's kinder to just "let it go"...Like ask yourself, why do you need to correct them?...I'm sure certain mistakes do need correction but do they ALL need it?...And if they all don't NEED to be corrected, does it preoccupy your thoughts afterwards and if so, why?...I'm learning that as humans, we do have a tough time "letting go" of stuff in general..lol..The need for "control" in my own life used to be a big deal when I was a teenager, which led to early stress...I've never needed to control other people but the need to control things that affected me may inadvertently ended up seemingly controlling others in the end...So I needed to just let go of control in general and just go with the flow...The universe has a way of giving us what's meant to be, even if we don't understand it at the moment..lol

Anyhow, Good luck with this, I hope you find a peaceful solution or solutions to your dilemmas..*hugs*

[Windbreeze]

Originally Posted by RedRose

I'm finding out that sometimes similar situations will keep reappearing until you respond to it the way you're meant to, whether it means you need to learn to not care what others think as long as you are being real/truthful/authentically yourself or if you're meant to speak up for yourself and not allow others to mow you over with their wrong-doing, etc....Or maybe you are to learn to not care about certain mistakes others made because it's kinder to just "let it go"...Like ask yourself, why do you need to correct them?...I'm sure certain mistakes do need correction but do they ALL need it?...And if they all don't NEED to be corrected, does it preoccupy your thoughts afterwards and if so, why?...I'm learning that as humans, we do have a tough time "letting go" of stuff in general..lol

I have learned to let some things go that do not much matter but there are things that matter that I have issue of letting go. Maybe instead of listening of accusation against me I could step up and tell about my experience than shutting up and forget about it?

Before conflict, thoughts would preoccupy my mind as I would start thinking of the right way to settle. I can let go, without responding to false accusations and move on or I could speak up and my experience. The latter sounds like defending myself and walking away without hauling weight (thoughts) but the issue is that I am not good at arguments and communication. I would not manage to quickly respond when needed to prove argument or I would forget important detail. This is especially true when it gets emotional i.e. when I approach with anger because I seem to not be able to retain calmness and groundness when I defend myself. Usually when I am in a "reception mode" when talked to or when watch TV etc. I am unable to anaylize what I receive and its only later after I was interacted with or received information.

So as you can see, it's also about my character traits so I wonder whether I should always walk away "defeated" because handling such situations causes huge energy drain? That is of course unless compromise is too significant to walk away.

P.S. I didn't mention that I feel uncomfortable and "on guard" when talking to majority of people and that my mother is the only person on earth I feel like myself and comfortable with.

[Dude]

Is it all the analysing and worrying that's draining though? I kind of feel that maybe anxiety is a big thing? Which can impact on self esteem hugely in my experience... I won't go on in case you disagree with what I said or take offence to it. Only basing this on things reminding me of my experience to a degree. I could be way off.

[Windbreeze]

@Dudewheresmycrystal I have social anxiety but I am not sure it's the only cause. I don't always feel comfortable with talking with person but when I do, I soon start feeling tense and end up feeling mentally drained. I start to forget words, it gets harder to understand them and then I just can't catch up. My work potential is limited when it comes to jobs with communication.

[Dude]

Sounds like it's more intense than I had, but worrying about all the what ifs and analysing after also sounds linked... I had anxiety and social anxiety, doc also thought my thoughts where along the lines of OCD... she wanted me to go to see someone else but... not so easy... I'm all good now anyway... and waffling..
My point is, for me it's all pointing to anxiety and how you feel about your wonderful self... so much anticipating of negative behaviour or outcomes.. your title says your worrying about hurting others :( I feel like your probably living in fight or flight mode a lot... and that is tiresome, for you I mean.
I really think if look at anxiety and focus on that, rather than the situations, everything will fit into place.... slowly!!

[Dude]

And the definition of people like you is normal by the way... or normal ish haha, who is really normal anyway, we are all unique but do feel I understand how you feel right now, and the feeling of being totally different... which I do still feel but I appreciate I'm awesome in my own individual way just as you are.

[RedRose]

Originally Posted by TechnicGeek

I have learned to let some things go that do not much matter but there are things that matter that I have issue of letting go. Maybe instead of listening of accusation against me I could step up and tell about my experience than shutting up and forget about it?

Before conflict, thoughts would preoccupy my mind as I would start thinking of the right way to settle. I can let go, without responding to false accusations and move on or I could speak up and my experience. The latter sounds like defending myself and walking away without hauling weight (thoughts) but the issue is that I am not good at arguments and communication. I would not manage to quickly respond when needed to prove argument or I would forget important detail. This is especially true when it gets emotional i.e. when I approach with anger because I seem to not be able to retain calmness and groundness when I defend myself. Usually when I am in a "reception mode" when talked to or when watch TV etc. I am unable to anaylize what I receive and its only later after I was interacted with or received information.

So as you can see, it's also about my character traits so I wonder whether I should always walk away "defeated" because handling such situations causes huge energy drain? That is of course unless compromise is too significant to walk away.

P.S. I didn't mention that I feel uncomfortable and "on guard" when talking to majority of people and that my mother is the only person on earth I feel like myself and comfortable with.

Hi TechnicGeek,

I apologize for my late response, it seems my schedule will be busy from now through January due to the holidays.

Thank you for shedding more light on your situation...Having Social Anxiety in itself is a challenge so I can see why dealing with other people in general would be uncomfortable for you, and then when you add a pending "conflict" on top of that, yea, I'd want to avoid that whole thing, too...Totally understandable...My son, who's 7 yrs old, is kind of going through that right now because when he gets stressed/anxious/excited in any ways, he stutters...And some people (including his own father, at times) are not kind nor patient with him...He is also very comfortable with me because I just let him be himself..:)..I'm glad you feel you can be yourself with your Mom..:)

I don't know if you should avoid these social situations completely...I don't know the whole gamut on Social Anxiety but if you avoid these situations completely, wouldn't it make the Anxiety worse if you were ever put in one without an escape route?..I'm wondering if you can just take "baby steps" in that you pick and choose the situations that you can prepare for and "try" to resolve it?..And then "let go" of the ones that you can already feel super stressed about?...Try not to overthink things either because I find that alone can cause more stress/anxiety.

And in the meantime, would working on your inner confidence help your Anxiety?...Remember, you truly are a perfect Soul with a body/brain that has some "challenges" you're working with...The human body is very much full of emotions and fear and ego...Our Soul is always trying to work with those...The emotions and fears are what makes us off-kilter at times, especially in any type of disagreements...The challenge is to balance everything out...I have a tendency to not be emotional and too rational, I've been told..lol

Realize that your Soul picked this body for you to work with...I believe you can do it...As a good SF friend had told me, the Universe is not built for failure, so do what feels right for you...If you want to try to work out an error with someone, follow your heart and go for it...But when the Anxiety starts getting to be too much, back off then...And you can try again another time, with another situation...Nothing you do or not do will ultimately be wrong, if you're following your heart and being true to yourself...You are here to make yourself a better you, that's all...Dont worry about other people's reactions, they have their own "challenges" to work on..;)

As a counselor had told me once, "don't accept what does not belong to you"...But you must know who YOU are first...There are lots of people out there with "issues" and their "issues" don't belong to you...You do what is right for you and let others worry about themselves...And even if you didn't have Anxiety, those same people will still have "issues" and good/bad days...It's not a reflection of you.

I don't know if I've even been helpful, I have a tendency to ramble..lol..But I do wish you luck in figuring out what's best for you..If you want to understand more about Souls or your own Soul, if you haven't already read, the books by Michael Newton "Journey of Souls" and "Destiny of Souls" plus books by Dr. Brian Weiss "Many Lives, Many Masters" and "Only Love is Real" (and countless other Brian Weiss books) were really helpful to me...Gave me some inner peace..:)

Wishing you light and love on your journey..