anyone else in this kind of situation?

[Liliel]

Originally Posted by IntrepidExplorer

Awwwww thanks for sharing your story. That is very cute and I wish you all the best.

Thank you

Originally Posted by IntrepidExplorer

Tbh I meet a lot of men who just aren't suitable - they're either already taken, players or men who aren't interested in me. I signed up to a dating site once but i was so incomfortable with it. I won't be doing that again. I will have to join some sort of social club, I think, to meet people, but I don't want to go out there "looking for love" if that makes sense.

It makes sense, I think it's good to meet men spontaneously, see how they behave in a group of people and start knowing each other without any love/romance context at first. I totally feel what you mean with dating sites. I used them quite a lot when I was younger and in the end after all the experiences connected with it what I didn't like was that it was like some ebay, just with people, like picking the best "product" and also the context was clear- people were talking or meeting to become potential partners and it was not spontaneous, often rushed some decisions (usually bad decisions). And there were many weird people out there...
So yes, social club would be great and natural way of meeting someone interesting! If you don't find a partner there, at least you can find new friends.

Originally Posted by IntrepidExplorer

Yes, they do like to judge. Sometimes they do it with good intentions. Just wound me.up earlier because i was telling someone i was scared because i feel like im getting too old. She just started going on about how we should.be grateful for what we have. What she wasnt hearing was me saying that i'm trying to make the most of the time.i have while.i dont have a family. I do fun things but that doesnt mean i don't sad or scared. And just because i vent, it doesnt mean i dont appreciate the good things in my life.

Everyone has a right to want more from life! But it does hurt when you feel misunderstood while sharing something important and emotional. You're certainly not too old, but I'm 28 myself and I know that this feeling of being too old even at young age may appear. When I do the math with some negative assumption that things will go bad forever, suddenly it's so easy to accelerate time in my mind and then it seems to me that another 5 or 10 years will pass in an hour , but it's just a mind trick. One day at a time, just try to achieve your goal and time will seem to stretch(it's just a perception of it)

I have a friend who is a very emotional pessimist and some time ago he was so depressed over having no girlfriend and was telling me that he will be forever alone. I told him back then that things may change rapidly and I was so right. He reconnected with some old friend and suddenly they felt this spark of love and now have plans together and he doesn't even remember how he was so pessimistic about his love life and future. Sometimes it's enough if one small thing happens and then it opens the door to completely different life scenario. So don't assume the worst! Maybe you just need to find the right door and maybe it's closer than you think! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
And sorry for such a long post

[IntrepidExplorer]

Originally Posted by linen53

Having been a single mom, I have to speak from one parent philosophy. A child doesn't have to have two parents.

As far as your family goes, usually they will come around when the child is born, unless they are ultra straight/christian. But regardless, are you going to live your life according to how they want you to live it? It's your life! Not theirs.

Being a single parent can be challenging but it is doable. I did it, millions of other people have done it and raised successful kids. I wouldn't give anything for the experiences my children taught me. I learned so much about myself through them. And the love we shared was indescribable.

If your longing to have a child(ren) is so strong, then you need to develop a game-plan. You need to take action. Stop procrastinating and get to work. First things first, you need to develop a strong home-front. A stable job, house or apartment. But stable is the word.

Look into into in vitro fertilization, adoption or whatever means it takes for you to acquire a family. To heck with a man unless he wants to donate his genetics. You can do this and you need to get off your bottom and start making it happen. Best of everything on your journey.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm really glad that things have worked out for you.

My dad hasn't been much of a dad to be honest (although I can see that he's trying harder to be these days). My mum was my mum and dad...and well, we kids didn't turn out too badly. I have total respect for all those single parents out there - it can't be easy, but most of the ones I know of have done a great job.

In regards to my parents, it's a culture thing. Having kids out of wedlock is a big no-no. It's true that it is my life, but I still want them in it, and I'd want them in my kid's life too. I can't have it both ways, so I'd have to make a decision about which one is more important, I guess.

You're so right about a game-plan. I would like a stable home-front for my kids, but it's interesting that that is something we didn't have as kids....but we survived...and I've become a better person because of it, I think. We didn't have a stable home or income, but we did get by somehow.

[IntrepidExplorer]

Originally Posted by Clover

Fantastic advice, Linen!

One thing is very certain, you do need financially stability/ security. I do feel a male role model is important, however, whether you need a live in partner or not is really non of anyone's business.


I am a single mom too however, I do have a strong family support system. The dad is also an active role model, separate from the household. It just works better this way. Nothing miserable or sad about it, I feel sorry for the families who are in negative household fighting and creating all sorts of choas. Kids need a healthy and peaceful environment; end of story.

Ideally, I would like my kid(s) to have a male role model, but I can't say I did too badly without one.

I'm glad you've made things work for your kids. Thanks for sharing your story, Clover.

[IntrepidExplorer]

Originally Posted by Delsol

IntrepidExplorer, love, love, love to you!

You are not alone in feeling as you feel.

As women, we definitely have this clock-ticking feeling when we reach our early thirties. It isn't just hormonal. It is a deep spiritual resonance. I felt it; remember thinking at the time, "Wow. Maybe I am going to be one of those women who never has kids. Who knew? Really?? That is going to be me? Wow! Seriously? Me?" I tried to imagine myself as the quirky cat-lady, house full of cats and no kids, wondering how to identify with that image, because I never imagined it for myself before the clock ticked so loudly. I remember thinking, "Wow, the cat lady probably never thought she'd grow up to be the cat lady! Is this how it happens?" I had older girlfriends, too - in their 40s, without kids. I did not fully identify myself with them - ha ha! They were geeky, or awkward - but fantastic women in their own ways - just not 'motherly' or 'giving' so much. At the same time, it was not as if I had really longed for children before then either - was career oriented, wanted to make momey - build security for myself - but still, when it came down to it, could not fathom future Christmases without children to share them with, being a grandmother one day, etc. These feelings reached their intensity around age 32 or 33. I felt them strongly and suffered a little, then let them go as best I could and focussed on life. After a time, they diminished.

As a sliver of hope, please know I had my daughter at age 36, then my son at age 39. I do not feel like an old mom at all; kids keep you young, and a lot of people of my generation had children as late as I did. It is becoming the norm. My husband of 18 years left 18 mos ago - but kids are forever, and well worth any struggles and sacrifices. Here I am age 47, with a 7 year old and a 9 year old - no career in the end and no husband afterall, but a full heart - starting over. All this to say, you may yet get your wish! When you do, you will value it all the more, because it almost did not happen. Older mothers are wiser mothers! More financially secure, too, (Okay, not always wiser or richer - but each age has its charms) And! If it never happens, something else will. I don't believe God would allow a loving heart to go long without others to love in that uniquely motherly way. Hang in there! Every emotion you have is legit. You r not alone.

Awww Delsol, I'm sorry you went through this too, but I'm so, so happy to hear that you have kids now. :) I'm sorry to hear about your husband by the way.

Lol I could never imagine myself as a cat-lady because I really dislike them. In fact I'm not an animal person at all, really lol.

I started feeling like this during my mid-20's, but I decided to try to do things that I wouldn't be able to do if I weren't single and without kids. I decided I'd make the most of each day. Now that I'm in my 30's, the feelings have hit me all over again, but even harder than last time.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It really helps to hear stories like yours.

[IntrepidExplorer]

Originally Posted by Liliel

Thank you


It makes sense, I think it's good to meet men spontaneously, see how they behave in a group of people and start knowing each other without any love/romance context at first. I totally feel what you mean with dating sites. I used them quite a lot when I was younger and in the end after all the experiences connected with it what I didn't like was that it was like some ebay, just with people, like picking the best "product" and also the context was clear- people were talking or meeting to become potential partners and it was not spontaneous, often rushed some decisions (usually bad decisions). And there were many weird people out there...
So yes, social club would be great and natural way of meeting someone interesting! If you don't find a partner there, at least you can find new friends.



Everyone has a right to want more from life! But it does hurt when you feel misunderstood while sharing something important and emotional. You're certainly not too old, but I'm 28 myself and I know that this feeling of being too old even at young age may appear. When I do the math with some negative assumption that things will go bad forever, suddenly it's so easy to accelerate time in my mind and then it seems to me that another 5 or 10 years will pass in an hour , but it's just a mind trick. One day at a time, just try to achieve your goal and time will seem to stretch(it's just a perception of it)

I have a friend who is a very emotional pessimist and some time ago he was so depressed over having no girlfriend and was telling me that he will be forever alone. I told him back then that things may change rapidly and I was so right. He reconnected with some old friend and suddenly they felt this spark of love and now have plans together and he doesn't even remember how he was so pessimistic about his love life and future. Sometimes it's enough if one small thing happens and then it opens the door to completely different life scenario. So don't assume the worst! Maybe you just need to find the right door and maybe it's closer than you think! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
And sorry for such a long post

Ha yes, there are some weird people out there! You're right - even if I don't find a partner in social groups, at least I'll make friends. You can never have too many of those!

As you said, I should just take one day at a time. It's all any of us can do to live a less stressful life.

Thanks for keeping your fingers crossed for me. Good to hear about your friend, and don't worry about the long post. I am really grateful for all the responses I have received. :)

[Really!]

I birthed my 1st child at 17, #2 at 36 & #3 at 37 ...
No problems whatsoever w/the pregnancies. #3 experienced shoulder dystocia - Mr. Potato Head wasn't able to slide out the birth canal w/out help. It was resolved quickly & painlessly ...
I was left widowed 9yrs ago at the age of 49 w/the 2 youngest still at home ... they were my saving grace during grief. Children fill the soul & just make my life so indescribably meaningful albeit in so many different ways. I never planned on having kids, it was my husband. I'm so glad he decided for me! I also have a granddaughter - OMG, she is the light of my life!

As linen said, "Stop procrastinating and to work" ...

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by linen53

Having been a single mom, I have to speak from one parent philosophy. A child doesn't have to have two parents.

As far as your family goes, usually they will come around when the child is born, unless they are ultra straight/christian. But regardless, are you going to live your life according to how they want you to live it? It's your life! Not theirs.

Being a single parent can be challenging but it is doable. I did it, millions of other people have done it and raised successful kids. I wouldn't give anything for the experiences my children taught me. I learned so much about myself through them. And the love we shared was indescribable.

If your longing to have a child(ren) is so strong, then you need to develop a game-plan. You need to take action. Stop procrastinating and get to work. First things first, you need to develop a strong home-front. A stable job, house or apartment. But stable is the word.

Look into into in vitro fertilization, adoption or whatever means it takes for you to acquire a family. To heck with a man unless he wants to donate his genetics. You can do this and you need to get off your bottom and start making it happen. Best of everything on your journey.

IE -- everything Linen said here. Everything. Just spot on.
There is really no greater or more defining life choice, nor one that will bring deeper joy. You can have your own and raise them (as I am) or you can adopt (as I would have, if I did not have my own child) and raise them. Both ways - all ways - offer great joy and great love!

Do not, I repeat, do not wait for a partner if you are ready now. Don't miss out on the one thing you really want in life -- love and family. Move when you decide the time is right. Make your life and then LATER if you find someone who truly appreciates you, has something of himself to truly offer, and who is compatible with you AND your family...then you can choose freely. Not out of rabid desperation.

Many men will not be interested in you until and unless your children are older anyway, and many avoid single mums who are sole support, without a dad nearby to make things easier for the boyfriend to be rid of your kids as much as possible...to cover the kids' costs, to get the kids out of the house for weekends and such. C'est la vie, LOL...and good riddance anyway. Plus loads of men have already had their kids by 35 or 40, like many women. These men if divorced frequently feel loads of resentment and very put upon (not all, but many), and have trouble even rising to a commitment to anyone else. And so what? WHO CARES?

If you are not beholden to a man to marry you for children, then you do not have to ever put up with poor treatment or general rubbish. You can fill your life with your family with positivity and love, which are much more important that excess cash or a big house or having a man "in charge" to tell you what to do and how to do it

You do what YOU want ...this is YOUR life and your loving family you'll be creating.

The huge silver lining is that you are free to be who you are and to love your kids and be with them in your free time off work. No bootlicking, no commands or controlling behaviour, no judgment, no subsuming yourself, your words, or your deeds to fit someone else's endless needs, demands, or fantasies. Instead, you can give your time and energy to yourself and your children, until and unless you decide to include a partner who can add to your lives rather than just make demands and expect to be cared for and bootlicked. You'll very quickly learn to sort the difference, because your priorities and your ability to love yourself and choose wisely will already have been honed by loving and raising your children.

Peace & blessings and much love & light...
7L