Why do they say that love is blind?

[Clover]

Originally Posted by Baybee123

I have been married for over 6 years now and I really want to love my husband the same way I used to love my ex but I'm struggling :(.
I don't know why I'm soooo blind? And running after something that's not even mine. :( I'm ruining what I have by daydreaming of something that's way out of my reach :(

Does your husband know how you feel? Talk with him? I can't imagine how the other person ( the spouse) would feel to know they were dragged around for years not knowing the truth about the relationship. Living authentically entails being honest with yourself and the people around you.

I divorced, I did the work, and accepted all repercussions. It was very painful, but I would rather go through a temporary painful experice than blindly take on someone with me for years. I almost think that is cruel to be honest.

I understand you haven't acted on it. I do feel this has nothing to do with the person your longing for, but the desire to be whole with yourself. Once you find this wholeness with yourself, no one can take that away from you, it is very empowering. Also, what Del Sol said, the attachment you feel is your own heart's desire.

Focus on doing some inner work, self reflection and self love. I trust you will eventually get there, even if this includes setting your spouse free. The choice is yours.

[Really!]

Originally Posted by Clover

I divorced, I did the work, and accepted all repercussions. It was very painful, but I would rather go through a temporary painful experice than blindly take on someone with me for years. I almost think that is cruel to be honest.

Absolutely!
I agree w/Clover's statement ...

Baybee,
It still sounds as if you have unresolved issues from your last marriage ...
Or there exists something familiar w/your current marriage from your last relationship you are still having difficulty with ...
Unresolved problems can carry over into new relationships ...
There was mention of giving more, it's an indication of a one-sided relation that still requires answers for you to get beyond it ...
What is happening now is you are placing your husband in the same unfair position you were in with your first husband ...
If you really want to love this husband as well as fully engage your marriage, stop beating yourself up, get on w/finding your answers, accept them, cope w/the pain (of loss) as well as learn if there are any issues in your current marriage that could be the cause of your problems & why you are comparing ...
Otherwise, this mess will stay w/you till its resolved as well as potentially cause problems in your current marriage ...
If, for whatever reason (s) It's not possible, than maybe the only healthy alternative for both of you is divorce ...
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but sugar coating will only delay what needs to be heard clearly ...
Blessings ...

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by H:O:R:A:C:E

i believe that the phrase "love is blind" is usually referring to the notion
that any faults of a person aren't recognized by someone who loves them.
i believe that this might accurately describe God's divine love, since it's
my belief that God does not recognize sin as real.

Yeah that's how I interpret the expression, too. The one thing I'd say about that is that for me, when it's true love the person's faults are recognised, but they're accepted unconditionally - not merely tolerated, but genuinely accepted - and the person isn't judged based on the way they behave. It's like the love of a parent for a child (I imagine - I don't have children).

So it's not like the sort of romantic love whereby you put your lover on a pedestal, imagine them to be this saintly, angelic image of perfection - when it's that sort of 'love', it's almost inevitably going to go sour because your partner isn't going to live up to the ideal, and then the finger-pointing and recriminations start. I don't mean to paint a bleak picture of romantic love, it's just that people very often have unrealistic expectations and it's why there's so much pain and conflict in relationships, I feel. I don't really buy the whole notion of 'exclusive' love, either - love is inclusive, not exclusive, imo.

(Which isn't to say that I'm against monogamy - actually I'm very much for it.)

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by Delsol

Recently, I spent over twenty years with a man whom I loved a great deal. This was not a typical twenty years; it was 24/7 togetherness. We lived and worked together - built many things, had many life experiences - two children, moves to other states, other countries, built businesses together, homes, etc. I gave all my talents, youth and energies to those endeavors, and I did them all with love.

Then one day, he left me - just like that.

He left a year ago, but is still on the fringes of my life because we share young children. During this past year, I went into hermit mode - deep reflection. No distractions, much meditation. Amazing revelations! One of which was this; my love was blind. Yes, it was. I realized that all I 'thought" we had together, was really just....me. Think about it. Reflect. You are not stupid - perhaps you are just loving. Focus on that, and perhaps someone who matches that vibration will manifest, for real. Let go of that ex who did not love you as much. It does not serve you! That attachment you feel is your own heart's desire - has nothing to do with him. Love and Christmas cookies, d.

You're very wise, Delsol, and very honest That must've come as a real shock to your system, but it sounds like you've really grown as a result of the experience

[Claireanneh]

I have a tendency to obsess over things, and what always helped me to break the obsession were actions. I would get myself to confess the other people how I feel about them and to get the closure of such situation.

[jimrich]

Originally Posted by Baybee123

I loved my ex a lot. I am still not over him and it's been 8 years since we broke up.
Even when we were together I always felt I was giving more in our relationship. I never felt like he loved me as much as I loved him.

Now as I think of all that happened and all that I feel for him I am starting to question whether im stupid. He has moved on and from the surface it looks like I have moved on too. But I'm really stuck :(. I am not sure Whether I'm actually blind in love?
Can one sided love be so intense? So hard to move on?

Put the word: NEED in place of the word "love" and it will all make some sense.
When you NEED someone, due to certain lacks or holes in your personality or self, it might seem like "love" but its actually a very serious NEED that the other person seems to fill - at least for a while. Only you (and maybe a therapist) can know what those intense NEEDS are that you are confusing with "love".
When you are "obsessed" it's due to deep and intense NEEDS that are not being met or were not met in early childhood so, as an adult, you are still as NEEDY as you were as a child.

I have been married for over 6 years now and I really want to love my husband the same way I used to love my ex but I'm struggling :(.
I don't know why I'm soooo blind? And running after something that's not even mine. :( I'm ruining what I have by daydreaming of something that's way out of my reach :(

The problem with unmet or unfulfilled, childhood NEEDS, is that you might spend your entire life trying to get those early NEEDS satisfied and your ex somehow holds the key to getting your unmet NEEDS fulfilled. Perhaps he is more like your father than your current husband is. The point is to somehow allow your current husband to fulfill your early, unmet NEEDS and desires that your parents did not or could not FULFILL for you back when you were a child. I'd find a therapist to help you with about this.

[shoni7510]

Originally Posted by Baybee123

I have been married for over 6 years now and I really want to love my husband the same way I used to love my ex but I'm struggling :(.
I don't know why I'm soooo blind? And running after something that's not even mine. :( I'm ruining what I have by daydreaming of something that's way out of my reach :(

It seems like you have a serious unfinished business with your ex. Maybe it was in the way you broke up in that it caught you by suprise and still have to get over that. Or maybe he was your first because that is also hard to break away from. But I agree with those who say you must get a therapist, you will benefit from one.

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by jimrich

Put the word: NEED in place of the word "love" and it will all make some sense.
When you NEED someone, due to certain lacks or holes in your personality or self, it might seem like "love" but its actually a very serious NEED that the other person seems to fill - at least for a while. Only you (and maybe a therapist) can know what those intense NEEDS are that you are confusing with "love".
When you are "obsessed" it's due to deep and intense NEEDS that are not being met or were not met in early childhood so, as an adult, you are still as NEEDY as you were as a child.

The problem with unmet or unfulfilled, childhood NEEDS, is that you might spend your entire life trying to get those early NEEDS satisfied and your ex somehow holds the key to getting your unmet NEEDS fulfilled. Perhaps he is more like your father than your current husband is. The point is to somehow allow your current husband to fulfill your early, unmet NEEDS and desires that your parents did not or could not FULFILL for you back when you were a child. I'd find a therapist to help you with about this.

Great post, Jim

[Baile]

Originally Posted by shoni7510

But I agree with those who say you must get a therapist, you will benefit from one.

Well I have two thoughts there. If she wants to see a relationship counselor to work on trying to love someone she doesn't currently love, sure. The other option is to end the marriage and move on in life. This is a fact: many people marry partners they don't love (and often barely even like), all because of various and individual needs as jim pointed out. If the issue is she doesn't really love her husband, then no amount of therapy will resolve that.

True love is as easy and natural as taking a breath. If one's relationship isn't that, if it's full of doubt and turmoil and sadness and longing, it's quite probably best to end it and go find true love.

[wernerW]

need equal to love?
well a concept worth looking into it seems.