TF insecurities and fears

jro5139 · #1 09-02-2020, 02:40 PM

So after 2 years of separation, twin and I started "talking" again last summer. At the beginning of Dec. he disappeared for a month and a half (not texting and didn't answer the last text I sent). I didn't text him again or push the issue. Finally, he texted again and I asked him where he had been. He replied "hiding"; I didn't ask him what he meant by that. We resumed continuous texting and he revealed to me more things about him that I didn't know.

That's when he decided to reveal to me his biggest fear and the reason he didn't get closer to me before (back when I was around him physically). Turns out all this time he was afraid I would reject him. I assured him it was not something that is concerning to me and I thought that we had settled it. Then, the next time we talked, he brought it up again. This is something that he is very insecure about.

I'm not sure how to convince him that his insecurities are not things that I would reject him over. When he told me, I had a physical reaction and cried afterwards, because I know what a huge step that was for him. But I'm not sure how to convince him that I'm not worried about it...??

FairyCrystal · #2 09-02-2020, 05:51 PM

What makes you think that is your job to do? It seems pretty clear he has self-esteem issues, abandonment issues, likely based on something from childhood. That is his job to sort out, not anyone else's. And if he doesn't, then he doesn't. He has to want that.

EckyThump · #3 09-02-2020, 10:28 PM

jro5139,

Coming from a totally non-judgemental place and not knowing anything more about your relationship with your twin than what you've shared here, I'm inclined to agree with FairyCrystal - I dont think it is your job to 'fix' these issues.

In my own life, I have struggled with low self-esteem and fears of abandonment and for a long time I looked to others to reassure me or to fix the issue for me and of course that never worked, because I had to do it for myself.

I think its great that you've reconnected and you seem happy about it, other than this issue so I hope that he does find a way to manage these behaviours so that you can both continue onwards on a positive path.

ssdm1 · #4 10-02-2020, 01:30 AM

He's probably feeling the intensity of the connection, which may be very different to him, and it scares him. Have you directly ask him why he feels you'd reject him?

From my experience this is his part of the journey for him to work on and there's nothing much you can do other than listen and be supportive of him.

Eternal Flame · #5 10-02-2020, 02:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jro5139

So after 2 years of separation, twin and I started "talking" again last summer. At the beginning of Dec. he disappeared for a month and a half (not texting and didn't answer the last text I sent). I didn't text him again or push the issue. Finally, he texted again and I asked him where he had been. He replied "hiding"; I didn't ask him what he meant by that. We resumed continuous texting and he revealed to me more things about him that I didn't know.

That's when he decided to reveal to me his biggest fear and the reason he didn't get closer to me before (back when I was around him physically). Turns out all this time he was afraid I would reject him. I assured him it was not something that is concerning to me and I thought that we had settled it. Then, the next time we talked, he brought it up again. This is something that he is very insecure about.

I'm not sure how to convince him that his insecurities are not things that I would reject him over. When he told me, I had a physical reaction and cried afterwards, because I know what a huge step that was for him. But I'm not sure how to convince him that I'm not worried about it...??

People don't heal of their past life or present life trauma by being 'convinced' through discussion. They have to do the work, they have to be brave and deal with their triggers.

jro5139 · #6 11-02-2020, 03:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ssdm1

He's probably feeling the intensity of the connection, which may be very different to him, and it scares him. Have you directly ask him why he feels you'd reject him?

From my experience this is his part of the journey for him to work on and there's nothing much you can do other than listen and be supportive of him.

I didn't have to ask him, he told me and it's very superficial stuff that does not bother me at all.

To everyone that answered, yes he has abandonment issues, his parents abandoned him at a young age. Maybe abuse, maybe sexual. He told me a long time ago that he has never trusted anyone. So yeah, the comments are not wrong.

ssdm1 · #7 11-02-2020, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jro5139

I didn't have to ask him, he told me and it's very superficial stuff that does not bother me at all.

To everyone that answered, yes he has abandonment issues, his parents abandoned him at a young age. Maybe abuse, maybe sexual. He told me a long time ago that he has never trusted anyone. So yeah, the comments are not wrong.

My twin has issues like this as well and other than supporting him and showing him friendship and love it's all his to work through. It's taken years but he has made some progress.

Just be there, listen to him, support him and love him. He'll learn through that what someone being there for him feel like and grow from there.

FairyCrystal · #8 11-02-2020, 01:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ssdm1

My twin has issues like this as well and other than supporting him and showing him friendship and love it's all his to work through. It's taken years but he has made some progress.

Just be there, listen to him, support him and love him. He'll learn through that what someone being there for him feel like and grow from there.

That depends. If it means your life is on hold because of doing the above you may want to seriously reconsider. You too have a purpose this life and also the right to be happy and live a great wonderful life.
No one was born to be someone else's crutch to lean on, not even if you believe someone is your Twin Flame. Everyone has to carry & sort out their own issues, which means you do not have to sacrifice your happiness.
You have the right to think about your own happiness and well-being in life. So make the decision that truly feels best, not from the hurt ego, but from your Soul.

#9 11-02-2020, 02:07 PM

Be careful he isn't taking you for a ride. It sounds rather unstable to me and someone's self-analysis is always questionable. If his insecurities have been diagnosed by a therapist then he has to do something about them. He shouldn't be encumbering you with it.

The danger is you'll become his therapist but with no clue to the future. How will he change when you've "cured" him? Many men are insecure because they so often hide from their emotions.

.

jro5139 · #10 13-02-2020, 01:43 AM

FC, Lorelyen…..

I have thought about all that a lot. I don't intent to give up my happiness and maybe it would be easier not to have to deal with someone with all these issues, but giving him up would make me so sad. A point may come when I will feel that for my own happiness I have to, but I am still deciding what this should be, just like he is. And I don't know for sure where this is going so we'll see...

I'm ok with not knowing the future and just enjoying the moments with him. Usually we talk a lot, lately he has been texting me everyday. But yes I'm sure until he fully works on his issues, he will be somewhat unstable. I'm learning to accept that he is where he is (doesn't mean I "have to" keep him in my life; that's my decision), but I do have to accept where he is...

And I would also say that, it's different with him, because I just always love him, even when he says all the wrong things.

And yes, the connection has been particularly strong, esp for the last week or two. I know that some of what I am feeling is him.