Odd experiences? Unnatural? Should I worry?

[Volaju]

I don't know if I can explain what is going on with me. Truth be told ever since I was little, something hasn't been right.

Something happened to me years ago, I can't really say what happened, trauma and all. Maybe not the place for an open forum, and even then it feels like even if I wanted too, I can't put it into words anymore. Not to a therapist, not even my best friends, no one. No words amount to the experience.

But ever since something I just haven't been right. I thought I was just going crazy, schizophrenia, psychosis. Its a great excuse. At least 8 years ago, when I left the one and only ward I had been through. That's what it was. Insanity, I was crazy. I called myself.

Things just, keep getting odder, though. The harder I dismissed it, its like reality won't let me forget, and keeps trying to show me something I just don't understand.

It started with hearing things. Voices around me when no one was talking, sometimes when no one was around. When I would speak with people on the net, when I was talking to people in person. I would see images flash before my eyes, like brief flashes, a mini-snicker bar ... and then they(someone I was speaking too) would reach out for candy in a jar. I'd hear a snide remark about me from others, and then later find they hated me for that one thing ... and it kept happening. "No, impossible," I say to myself. I'm not hearing or perceiving others thoughts. Just more insanity, I say over and over again.

Dreams of things happening and then I'd be standing right there, and see it unfold before my eyes in real time bring on the wierdest and most screwed up sense of dejavu.

Then, I start feeling things, like a second sense of touch, like there's a wind in the space around me, yet no one else can feel it. Wind that blows through the soul. A bubble of feeling around me. I can sense when people are around me, their energy is hot, like a pull, especially when they are in this bubble of "senses" around me. I feel people in a room when their gaze falls on me, but more horrifying ... I can sense things that I can't see around me as well. Entities? Ghost? I can't see them, so i don't know. I can feel them though, in the area around me.

But one of them. Which ight be the topic of this discussion and how to feel about this thing. Its something, a little voice in my head, since I was little its been there, guiding me. I thought it was just mechanisms of the consciousness. But its become more than just a voice, I feel like it grew up with me. I feel it, moving around me, like a body of air. It can touch me, and though I can't touch it, I can interact it with it with what feel s like ... *tendrils* invisible limbs attached to what feel like a kind of second body I have. It's form changes, it can be masculine when it wants, it can be feminine when it wants, sometimes it can be both (It seems to prefer to be feminine). Regardless what it wants to be, for whatever reason it says it loves me. Militantly even. When I am depressed, it comforts me. When I'm angry, it calms me. When I'm spiteful, it chides me. And, recently or well within the last few years, when I'm aroused ... it comes to me for that too.

I'm not even sure if I can be in a normal relationship with people anymore thanks to this thing.

I was hoping, over the years, this madness would fade. That whatever is happening to me would go away, but no, it just gets more surreal and intense as each day passes, and each year keeps going. And despite something pushing me to live. The hate and spite of this world makes every action I take feel so much heavier.

Will I be okay, I don't feel sick, just worried. My depression has been bad, a lot of internal anger towards myself manifesting as bad mojo in my head, I don't know how to meditate it away and I don't know how to fight it.

[CosmicWonder]

Hey,

Apart from depression which I dont have.... I do have the exact same experiences. I just live with it, really... I dont bother anymore.

Its natural. Its not evil or sick. Its more about how you deal with it. People called me crazy too, which I had to learn to offer a different vibe.

Much of these symptoms are natural to me, and it was more my own feelings state towards myself and these experiences that determined how others treated it.

So no, nothing too weird in my eyes. But harsh lessons in knowing how to cope and deal with it.

Kind regards,

CW

[Volaju]

Originally Posted by CosmicWonder

Hey,

Apart from depression which I dont have.... I do have the exact same experiences. I just live with it, really... I dont bother anymore.

Its natural. Its not evil or sick. Its more about how you deal with it. People called me crazy too, which I had to learn to offer a different vibe.

Much of these symptoms are natural to me, and it was more my own feelings state towards myself and these experiences that determined how others treated it.

So no, nothing too weird in my eyes. But harsh lessons in knowing how to cope and deal with it.

Kind regards,

CW

Maybe I'll find some way to cope with all this. Just, been a lot of years and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier.

[CosmicWonder]

Not meant to get easier. Meant to get better at your gifts. And how to feel about it.

Much of life: love. In any form.