Spirit and Shadows and Spirit Animals? Oh my.

[StevenLee]

This is going to be really long so I'll cover the current stuff first.

In July of 2017 my expecting aunt passed away suddenly, one month out from her due date. My aunt was really close to me, we practically grew up as siblings because we were close in age and my grandmother kept me and schooled me while my parents worked. She was always more like a sister.

After her death I started getting this really prickly scalp feeling every day around the same time. I wrote it off because I didn't see any connection. ( I only recently learned that was my crown chakra activating...I guess that's what you'd call it? )

Occasionally I'll feel her presence and it's not unwelcome and doesn't wig me out. I did get this really wigged out feeling a while back and just assumed I picked something up at the grave yard so I smudged a couple of days in a row and eventually everything felt normal again, with the occasional presence of my aunt.

But a couple of weeks ago this really weird thing happened to me at work with no explanation. I was at work and a small child was opening and closing the door to my office. I only saw a hand but it was plain as day. There were no children in the office that day and there was no response when I told them to come in. Once I figured out there was no children in the office that day,(sometimes my co-worker's girls are there for a bit, but they're really well behaved and would not be unattended) I started to kind of freak out and think of other logical explanations but there were none. I spent the rest of the day thinking I was going crazy and being in a full panic attack - I even started dissociating bad, and being confused and unable to focus. I smudged with sage when I got home and took a valum for the anxiety and eventually calmed down after talking to my mom for a bit.

Ever sense then I just feel what I guess most would call spirit almost constantly. I see shadowy figures from the corner of my eye. I never feel alone. Sometimes it's just like one and sometimes it's like apartment is just elbow to elbow, crowded, claustrophobic. I sage almost daily now, and I set boundaries that there's no negativity allowed an if there's any manifestations they're not allowed in the bedroom or bathroom - those are my safe spaces. But it feels like now my boundaries aren't even working.

I feel confined to my bedroom because it just wigs me out and makes my anxiety sky rocket, and now my bedroom doesn't even feel wiggy free. I know I need to just accept it, but I'm also just scared of negative entities / demons and not being adequately protected.

I've kind of been wondering if I have a spirit guide because there's a particular spirit I feel that's always right over my shoulder when present and I can't physically see it, but I see it, and it's just like a faceless black shadow. It doesn't feel malicious, it feels like it's trying to push me to be a better person, if that makes sense? Whenever I start getting frustrated and losing my cool it's like a feeling on my shoulder that sends chills down my spine and forced me to calm down. And there's this nagging feelings about my apartment, my office and my car being a mess. And the junk I put in my body. And getting proper sleep. It's this really weird self awareness that I've never had before and I only feel it when I feel that particular presence.

Onto the Spirit Animal part. Where I live there's no wolves, or coyotes or anything like that and I can't hear other people's dogs in my apartment complex because the walls are really thick, but I keep hearing a very distinct howling...It's always off in the distance, but clear as day and it's a wolf's howl - that very specific sound. It's random, and I hear it any point, when it's quite and when there's noise. I'm not sure how Spirit Animals normally manifest, but this is just the conclusion I've reached because there's not really another explanation. ( Other than maybe being actually crazy....My logical brain and my spiritual brain are seriously fighting for control right now, and I think that's the base of my anxiety. )

I am also getting a lot of phantom smells.

So that's the current situation. For the extended version....keep reading.

When I was a kid, I used to mention "shadow things" and they scared me. I'm learning that I repress things and have altered my own memories, from previous things that were explain to me, so I finally stopped arguing with my mother on it.
The clear way that I remember it, was picking out shapes (matrixing) of animals in the static like fragments of vision when you concentrate on something for too long...But mom has told me numerous times that I was terrified of them and it actually really freaked them all out. Apparently I even froze once and told my aunt (the one that passed away, actually) not to move because there was a shadow thing behind her.

I never liked being at home alone, anywhere...Not my grandmother's, not my parents, even when I moved out of the house and lived with a roommate, I couldn't stand being at home alone and locked myself in a single room whenever people where away.

I used to get a vision of faceless shadowy figure handing from a rope in my grandmother's living room and never liked the front part of her house, but no one else ever felt uneasy.

I told myself I didn't believe in ghosts and I honestly believed that I didn't. I went to Sloss (the furnace in Alabama) for a cosplay meet up...I did not know any of the hot spots, but every time I hit one I would go pale and get nauseated and scared....There was one room in particular. I never looked up in that room. But when I got home, every time I closed my eyes I would see a black faceless figure staring down at me from the catwalk of the room, and like he was angry because I wasn't working. I was physically ill that night and couldn't sleep. I brought it back up to my mom recently and she brought up that I apparently had mentioned the figure looking down at us while we were still there...Which I obviously remembered differently.

I've always had really vivid dreams about time periods and specific things that I knew nothing about and then found them out to be true. Stuff about WWII / the holocaust, stuff about Sloss Furance, the list goes on.

I also had a lot of recurring dreams that changes with specific events. Like just to name a particular one - I used to dream that there was a set of stables behind my great grandmother's hours, which was also my grandmother's back yard (in the dream, not real life) and there were two black horses. I had the dream again some time after my great grandfather died and then there was only one horse...I had it again after my grandmother's youngest brother died and there were none.

I know this is a super long post, but I just want to share as much as I could and see what kind of input others had on it. Looking forward to it! And if you read it all, thanks for sticking through to the the end.