Readiness

[optimusmaximus]

Hi,

It's been a while since I've been around here. I'm still chugging away. Things have been really calm the past month or so.

It's almost a month since my twin got back in touch with me. Out of the blue, he texted me and I was shocked. He wanted to know how I was doing. I told him I was fine, etc.

We hung out the next day, I went over to his place. We were watching movies, eating pizza, and playing Xbox when out of the blue he said "I can't do this anymore". He told me that he couldn't even hang out with me, he claims because I have strong feelings for him. I did tell him that my feelings had not ceased after the month we stopped talking to each other, but I never openly told him how I felt that day, it was just two close friends having a good time. I had a look of shock and confusion.

Later that night, he dropped me off at home. I felt bad. Not just about what happened, but about him. He's obviously shown that he has feelings for me. An hour after dropping me off, he said that we should rest for a couple of months, he said he hated seeing me get upset(one time he cried because I was crying). I was okay with it, but also a bit uncomfortable about it. This dynamic we have isn't very painful, its just strange. The pain is minimal, and I haven't actually been depressed about it. Disappointed and dismal, but not really depressed.

I keep wondering? How will he know when he's ready, how when I'll know he's ready. I have never felt this way about someone, I've never dreamed about a person 6 months before meeting them, then turning up in my life and everything falling into place so quickly. I wouldn't change it for the world, but I'm just puzzled more than anything else.

I've wondered... I'm supposed to be moving to go to university if I go through with my plans, that will most likely result in me moving overseas. Will that trigger a realization in his life? About what's going on? I don't want to experiment with that. I've also considered that the distance may intensify the pull? I've tried thinking about myself with someone else, but I can't. Every other relationship I had I always felt like it was just a relationship. Nothing special, not like they were 'the one'. Only the past 2 other guys I've talked to I felt that connection, but the past 2 were duds apparently. I had a dream once, about telling him I was moving, and recently found out the rest of the bits through a random thought I had one day. If the outcome is what I think it is, then it wouldn't be very positive for him. And I can't bear to see him unhappy. He doesn't exactly express himself well like I do, at least not as pronnounced as I do. Its ridiculous, I don't feel like I'm obsessing, yet my logic says yes I am. I haven't stalked him or anything. I want to go to university overseas, but I keep getting this pull NOT to.

Two days ago I had a dream that he found someone to date, and I was let down a bit, but I had a knowing that he wouldn't last, just like I predicted the failure of the last relationship he had a go at 3 months ago. Yeterday, I found out that he blocked me or de-friended me from all of the social sites he has me as a friend. I wasn't too surprised, and out of nowhere I started crying, but felt no need to, and no reason to. I had a dream again last night that he had found yet another person to date after his failure with the past two guys. Then in this dream though, he gave up and the guy he was dating broke off and went with someone else. The dream ended with me on the phone crying to/ WITH him. Occasionally I have dreams where we end up reuniting, but its a constant on-off thing.

Today, I hung out with two friends of mine(one whom I consider like a sister), and all day they said I looked deeply depressed, but I haven't been sad all day today. I've been fine. Out of nowhere, I got the idea that they aren't my facial expressions at all, but his. The face without the feeling. Whenever he tries to plug the dam, everything just pours out another hole.

Honestly though, if it was anyone else(regardless of how I felt about them), I wouldn't be bothered and just get on with my own things.

Anyhow, hope this resonates with a few of you. Hope things have been going well on the forums :)

I guess we sometimes have an inner knowing of how things will turn out in the end........even if it might take a while to get to that point.

However, it really seems like you still spend all your time focusing on him and less on yourself and you are totally overanalyzing things. I think when he's ready, you'll sense it. Or sense that he's coming close. When he is ready, he will make it known.In the mean time..........you need to FOCUS ON YOURSELF.

If you have goals, what steps have you started taking to make them happen? I know you've mentioned possibly going to school overseas. How is that going to work? Are you finding a job when you get there?Have you been hitting the pavement trying to find jobs now? Turn the focus on YOU.

[optimusmaximus]

Your right, I'm definitely overanalyzing(Moon in Virgo, anyone? lol jk). I know, and I'm confident I know. I'm still hung up on getting an "external blessing"

Actually, I've checked out an SAT guide and have been looking at university websites. My prospects seem to shine more than the sunshine at noon.

Anyhow, my biggest problem is being able to trust myself. Trusting myself would allow me to be able to trust people better, not just the soul connection. I've lost my spiritual zing again. But I feel another wave coming though. I think a good metaphor would be an old car needing to restart its engine a few times. Maybe not -- but that's the best way I see it.