Overcoming rejection & co-dependency

[FairyCrystal]

Over the past year I learnt that in a healthy relationship you don't feel a constant 'buzzz'. In between contact it is quiet, tranquil.
It's a constant connecting, letting go, connecting, letting go. Relaxing and trusting in the connection.

For the first time in my life I am doing this, but sometimes I find it so danged hard!
I've had so much rejection in my life, that I simply find it difficult to trust in a connection. Whenever I didn't feel that buzz when apart, I panicked and thought things were over.
Because of that, I needed a partner to need me and to be all over me.
However, the real 'me', the part that isn't hurt, doesn't want such a partner at all. I need a lot of personal freedom and it irritates me to be smothered.
A nice clash between that hurt part and the real me.

Anyhow, I'm closing that gap and I've come a long way with it too.
I now got a strong man who complements me, and I am happy.
Yet I notice I sometimes still tend to panic when I don't feel that buzz. Then I have to tell myself it's normal and healthy, but clearly the hurt 'me' still thinks that no buzz equals rejection.

What I find especially difficult is figuring out healthy borders. Sometimes I just don't know whether I want that border because of the hurt 'me' or the real, healthy me.
To me this is almost like reinventing the wheel

Anyone recognize these things?

[Snow Goose]

Hey FC

Codependency has been a big issue in my life too. I came across Ross Rosenburg's book http://humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsbl...ncy-dont-dance a few years back, it really was a great starting point for me, you might find his work useful too.

I'm way down that rabbit hole now so if your looking for any further info on the subject let me know......

[rainbow.sprinkles]

I relate so much to your post! I too have major issues with rejection/abandonment and co-dependency, thanks to my borderline personality disorder. relationships have always been chaos for me. I always thought conflict meant the end of a relationship too. my last relationship, which I ended just recently, was the first one where I actually found myself feeling smothered instead of always being the one desperate for more of the person's time and attention. I think I really needed to go through that to finally realize that I wanted to be on my own, and more importantly, was capable of being on my own. I'm currently very content to remain single for however long the universe deems it appropriate. I'm learning how to love myself and it actually feels so good. I've been finding peace in my days, in my life, and that's something I've never had much of, due to the constant chaotic relationships. I'm finally learning that when I get back into that kind of relationship, that it can and should be like the friendships I have currently - that it should be peaceful and enjoyable, not dramatic and miserable.

boundaries have always been tough for me too. with my disorder, I honestly have no clue most of the time where it ends and the "real" me begins. I hope that as more time goes by and I experience less of the chaos that I start to develop a clearer picture of what is me and what is the disorder. unfortunately, no one but you can decide whether any particular boundary is a healthy, positive one, or one that's stemming from fear of rejection or whatever else might be going on for you. all I can really advise is to pay close attention to your own awareness and how you feel when considering or enacting a boundary. usually that's enough to know whether something is good or bad for you, if you're willing to be honest with yourself about it.

[muzamilsa]

Originally Posted by Snow Goose

Hey FC

Codependency has been a big issue in my life too. I came across Ross Rosenburg's book http://humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsbl...ncy-dont-dance a few years back, it really was a great starting point for me, you might find his work useful too.

I'm way down that rabbit hole now so if your looking for any further info on the subject let me know......

Thank you, this was very helpful :)

[Raziel]

Relationships are complicated things between family members so it's actually quite expected that two people with separate lives, coming together to form a partnership would have to work very hard to maintain it.

What is important is that both of you talk, don't use guilt as a way of gaining anything & appreciate that you are individuals even as a couple.

Respect is also very important, so if someone is feeling insecure or worried then these feelings are to be respected & understood, even if they are unwarranted.

The buzz is fantastic but I would imagine that it is like opening emotional Christmas presents, once they are open & in action everyday they are no longer "new" - yet the intention behind them is no less important.

Just my two cents.

.

[Lynn]

Hello

You have made the first major hurdle seeing that you can be an individual. We are so conditioned to "find that someone" then at times when we do, we are further conditioned to stay with that person and what life brings one. This is not a contract we have to keep with as we are individuals.

We have to be a complete individual and be able to stand our own grounds before we can bring in another. This is not what we though are shown in life as we grow up. Too many times we then land in a negative relationship we get stuck in and its very hard to find that exit point from them. Too at times once in a relationship we are so drawn into it that we do not see how we can ever get free. Or there is something that keeps us there, many times its that "I can fix them" in nature.

We want to be accepted and at times valued and we find this with another, this is where we can find that place of self worth and self value and build from there.

Feel happy with yourself as its not easy to find whom you are but its so worth doing.

Lynn