Only interested in the afterlife

[MutedBlue]

My life has been a serious of challenges who's hasn't? But because of living at home with a narcissist parent until the age of 40 (still living in the childhood home after parents passed). Having a psychotic break at 17, my mother living at home schitzo affective and in a psychosis for six years, and now my diabetes is in bad shape. Because of my bipolar, I haven't worked or dated in 20 years. If I try I stop eating, sleeping, and can't stop thinking and end up in the hospital. Living a small simple life is what kept me hospital free for 13 years. Okay that is my history. Now my question. I am disillusioned by life, not just because I can't participate in a regular life, but just how things are out in the world and with a lot of people, I am only interested in the afterlife. I am only comforted by ideas, fiction and non fiction, of what's after dying. Angels fascinate me. I've tried, really tried to accept and live life as I'm able to. I am very grateful for what I do have. But its empty. I am hollow. I can't afford another dog. I don't feel joy or love. I am in treatment, on stabilizing medication, but I've been waiting to die for 20 years. Has anyone else felt this way. That the only hope of living is after death?