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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #1  
Old 07-09-2014, 04:57 PM
DayLight1555
Posts: n/a
 
On a journey to learn to love self

I was trying to figure out which forum to post this under. I decided that loving self directly relates to having relationships with others.

If you don't love self, then you will have a hard time relating to others in a healthy way. Or if you over-love yourself, you will also have problems.

When you have a low self esteem, you don't value self, it's hard to believe when others tell you that they love you. And when you can't believe, you can't trust them emotionally. You put up walls and don't let anyone get close to you. And sometimes you become a jerk because you use this behavior as a shield, so that no one could get close to you.

I am hoping to share some things I learned about myself, maybe someone could relate and could learn something too.

I was trying to figure out if it's possible for me to learn to love self. I've always thought that I was a nice person, but for some reason, I have a low opinion of myself.

Well, maybe I know why. I am afraid of pain (emotional and physical). But when you're in a relationship, that always brings pain. And you can't really be a good partner in a relationship when you are not open to pain. You end up appearing as selfish to others. Because you can't do this and that, you can't sacrifice, because that means creating pain for yourself.

So, being sacrificial is really noble and honored and people really value that. And when someone is not being that way, people call that person selfish and look down on that person.

I see myself from two sides: first of all, I protect myself and don't want to be too hard on myself. I am compassionate towards myself. I am like a child who is afraid of many things and I try not to put myself through lots of scary stuff and pain. But this means that I won't be as willing to suffer as others do. Suffer for others. So I will be considered "selfish". And I don't respect selfishness. So I can't respect myself for being selfish.


So when I look at myself, I see this child, who is scared, and whom I am protecting. But this child is selfish. So how can I come to love this child even in spite of its selfishness?

I guess I need to learn unconditional love. I think that people's love is conditional because they are all afraid of pain. So when you love someone, and he hurts you, you want to change that person, so he would stop causing you pain. So you love him conditionally. You are good to him only as much as he is good to you. But to love unconditionally, you have to know that he will bring you pain and you have to be willing to accept it.

So it's the brave people that can love unconditionally. They are people who are willing to accept pain from others.

It's so hard for a child like me to love unconditionally. Since I am so afraid of pain. So I don't understand this love. I don't believe it. I don't believe that someone could love you unconditionally, because I did not experience this feeling, did not feel this feeling for another person. It's so scary to love unconditionally and to open yourself to pain.

STEPS TO LEARNING SELF

I've learned that when I evaluate myself, I am focusing on my weaknesses and therefore see myself in a negative light. I told myself that I need to create a list of my strengths and focus on them (in order to feel more respect for myself).

I told myself that my strengths are a result of my weaknesses. And therefore I should be grateful for my weaknesses as well.

Here is an example.

I am a person who "wouldn't hurt a fly". And why? Because I am myself afraid of pain and I don't like causing pain to others.

I am very compassionate. And why? Because of being afraid of pain. I live by the rule: don't do to others what you don't want done to you. And so if you don't want pain caused to you, don't cause it to others. My psyche really believes this. So it acts it out. If I cause pain to others, I feel like I should expect it to come to me. And so I avoid it, by not causing it to others (when possible).

I am very understanding and not very judgemental because I am also understanding of my own weaknesses and am not too hard on my own self. And I believe that if I am not hard on myself, I should not be hard on others either.

I am wiser than people around me. Why? Because I have social anxiety and therefore I don't spend much time with people. Which in turn gives me lots of time for self study, self reflection and learning wisdom.

So my being wise, understanding and compassionate happened because I am afraid of things.

Now, let's take someone's strengthens which may result in weaknesses.

Let's say this person can't say no and always helps others. Well, this person can burn out and hate his life because everybody is always asking him to do things and he has to and he can never get a break. So this person may be very helpful, but hard to be around because of bitterness inside.

Or let's take this person who always helps everybody and see if this person has any time left for his family. Probably not. Time is not infinite. So this strength may be perceived as weakness in his family's eyes.

Or let's take a person who is great at cleaning the house. Being neat is a good thing, right? But what if this person, because of being neat, constantly nags others in the family about this? They would not see this neatness as a strength then.

Some people are very good at knowing the right styles and dressing right. But on the other hand, they could be very critical of those who don't do it "their way". So that becomes a bad thing for others.

Some people are very good at taking control of things and making things run smoothly. However, this controlling streak could be perceived as something negative when they don't allow others to make their own decisions and others are unhappy as a result.

Some women could make great mothers because they are very good at constant nagging and disciplining of their children and raising them to be well mannered. But the question is: do children perceive these qualities as "my mother is a good person" or "my mother is very hard to live with"?

Or let's take a person who is very focused and very skilled. Seems like a good thing. But such people turn into workaholics who are never around for their family. For his work place, this person would be a very valuable asset. But to his family this person would be: someone who is not good at being a family member, someone who is never there.

Or let's take a person who is aggressive. And let's put him into a peaceful situation. He would stick out like a thorn. But what if it was a "wild west" time and people had to know how to stand up to bullies? Wouldn't that person then be considered very valuable? (to his family for example)

Or let's take a person who loves children. Is that a strength or a weakness? Well, if the spouse did not want or like children, the spouse would see this love for children as something not good, something annoying.

A person who doesn't care about material things and doesn't care about earning enough money to make things pleasant for the family would not be perceived as a great family member by the family. But could be perceived as a great person by those who believe in not liking material things.

So I am learning that even strengths and weakness are relative. They are considered good or bad depending on what situation you are in. And like I said, some strengths have weaknesses as a side effect and some weaknesses have strengths as a side effect.


Another thing I learned (from my beliefs) is that we have to perceive ourselves as children who are on a learning path. We can learn things like sacrifice and compassion and love. With time. So if we are not very compassionate right now it's because we did not learn that yet. And to say: you have to be compassionate NOW is like telling a 2 year old: you have to know calculus NOW!

As children, we learn different things at different times. So some people have learned compassion at this time, while others have learned self control, while others have learned sacrifice or duty. And so on. We are all at different stages of learning and we are learning different skills at different times. So it's unfair of us to compare ourselves to others and say: he has this skill (like compassion) and I don't yet. Therefore he is good and I am bad. Because maybe he doesn't have your wisdom yet BECAUSE he was learning compassion. We can't learn all things at once. It takes time.

So armed with this understanding of how things work, I think I am on my way of starting to learn to love self. It will still require for this knowledge to really sink in, become a part of my psyche. But this is a first step.

I hope it helps someone out there.
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  #2  
Old 07-09-2014, 05:02 PM
DayLight1555
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My mother was blaming herself for not being a perfect mother. In her eyes that meant (for example) that she was supposed to teach us how to be neat. I called her and said: mom, thank you for being not a perfect mother. I don't think that I could have lived with a "perfect" mother. She would have bugged me to death and that just wouldn't go well with my personality.
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