Constant Thoughts of Death for 18 Years.

[gotspirits]

Hi, I am brand new to this forum and when I read others responses; I feel very calm and at peace. Thank you, kind people. I want to please share with you, my story. What I write is a true personal experience that has affected my entire mental outlook thus far and has lingered with me for 18 years.

In the fall of 1998, 4 months after finishing my first college degree, I was helping my parents run a business they inherited from my grandfather. My dad was split from my mom because of the business, so I agreed to come help the business so my dad could go home to mom.

During Thanksgiving week of 1998, I flew home with my dad to my family in California. I got a bad cold on the airplane. I went to store and bought Robitussin Gel Caps for the cold. I took two of them during the day and while sitting at the table with family, my heart started to beat out of control. My pulse was in the 160's-170's and my blood pressure went up to over 200+ / 110.

I felt as if the adrenaline in my body was broken and flowing 10x what it should. I was literally scared out of my mind. I could not sit still. I yelled to my parents to take me to the hospital right away. Once in the hospital, I could not sit still. I was pacing as my heart raced. It was the most miserable scary feeling I had ever had.

The doctor recognized that I had a reaction to the pseudoephedrine in the cold medicine. From that point on, my life was never, ever the same.

All I could think about was death. Prior to this, I was a healthy, fun, wonderful young man. I had so many dreams. I was accomplishing so much. But, after this experience, my life turned upside down.

I could not get the thought of death from my mind. I was so scared and I started to have massive panic attacks. I was having panic attacks during my sleep! I went to numerous doctors and they all said I was healthy and fine.

I even went to the doctor at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio and he did a full work-up. He told me to go out and run a marathon.

However, even though physically I was strong, mentally, my mind constantly, 24/7 thought about my own death. This evil cycle continued up to this point in my life.

I am now 40. I am medicated and doing better, but, I yearn for non-death thoughts. I can't get the thought of death out of my mind. Yes, I have done much therapy as well to try to combat these thoughts.

Am I cursed? I often ask myself... Am I crazy, I ask myself? Or, am I just scared like PTSD from that experience?

In any case, I have gone on to earn two Master Degrees. I am embarrassed to talk to people I know face to face about the experiences I have. I have also developed a pretty debilitating social phobia of people because of this.

I am kindly asking for anyone that has knowledge of death and or maybe has the ability to Astro project or whatever it is that you do; to please try to help me. Maybe I have a negative parasite that has attached itself to me during my time of vulnerability?

I have no idea. I just want to have my confidence back and to be able to go through life not worrying and thinking about my own demise. Any helpful advice, thoughts, etc are much welcomed. Please, no mean or judgemental comments. Thanks kind people!

[WabiSabi]

This may not be something that you want to hear, but I was once where you were. My circumstances were not quite the same, but I had the anxiety and a constant fear of death, as well as an inability to stop thinking about it. So here is my input.

In many spiritual traditions throughout the world, contemplation of death is a fundamental part of practice. Hindu yogis often meditate in graveyards, and it was a common Buddhist practice to have a human skull on your desk. The reason is that deep contemplation on the subject of death has the ability to lead a person to a state where one is open to the ever-changing reality around us, and to deeper spiritual understanding.

You were faced with a situation where you truly thought you were dying. Your Ego was forced to confront its own destruction, and it is having trouble coping with such a fact. This inability of your Ego to cope with death is what is fueling your anxiety. So my advice is this... continue thinking about death. The issue is not that you are thinking about death (contemplation of death is a fundamental part of the spiritual path in my opinion). The issue is that you fear death. Distracting yourself will not help, as you will always have that fear in the back of your mind now. You cannot simply forget about it. Death is not something that you can escape. In order to progress, you must confront your fear. You must face your notions of death, and see it for what it truly is.

[Kisen]

I went through an existential crisis which started my fear of death about 3 months ago. What got me through it was discovering topics such as spirituality (this site in particular) which lead me to explore other systems.

Shortly afterwards, I started meditation and it has helped me (and will continue to) to go through it. If you practice hard enough, you may gain insights if you have an open mind.

Fear of death is an important experience but it can be crippling if you let it dominate your life. For a couple of weeks I had become a nihilist, thanks in part to the current nihilistic mentality going on in society currently. However, something in me caused me to seek out information which led me to my current path.

As WabiSabi perfectly mentioned above me, distracting yourself is very counter-productive. I know a person about your age who has a hidden fear of death which leads me to constantly distract himself by purchasing a lot of things and working a lot.

Read Wabi's reply and if you require more information or more resources, I would be happy to help. Having your own experiences would help you tremendously.

You can also read Spirit Guide Sparrow's thread a few posts below your topic.

[gotspirits]

Originally Posted by Kisen

I went through an existential crisis which started my fear of death about 3 months ago. What got me through it was discovering topics such as spirituality (this site in particular) which lead me to explore other systems.

Shortly afterwards, I started meditation and it has helped me (and will continue to) to go through it. If you practice hard enough, you may gain insights if you have an open mind.

Fear of death is an important experience but it can be crippling if you let it dominate your life. For a couple of weeks I had become a nihilist, thanks in part to the current nihilistic mentality going on in society currently. However, something in me caused me to seek out information which led me to my current path.

As WabiSabi perfectly mentioned above me, distracting yourself is very counter-productive. I know a person about your age who has a hidden fear of death which leads me to constantly distract himself by purchasing a lot of things and working a lot.

Read Wabi's reply and if you require more information or more resources, I would be happy to help. Having your own experiences would help you tremendously.

You can also read Spirit Guide Sparrow's thread a few posts below your topic.

Hi Kizen, thank you for taking the time to respond to me, a stranger, that you did not need to address, but did, because you have a good heart. I am learning a lot by reading these posts. I learned a new word today. "nihilist" I've never heard of this word. I will reach out and try to discover more about this topic. Meditation is great advice. I need to remember to take the time to do so. I pray as much as I can. I think that making a schedule in my busy life to do these things will be beneficial. You are exactly right. I have made my life so overwhelmingly busy, I try to distract my thoughts from the root problem; thoughts of my own death. Believe it or not, just typing to you has helped me a lot release some of the burdens that I have been carrying.

I will also look for that spirtual post you were referring to. Best regards!

[gotspirits]

Originally Posted by WabiSabi

This may not be something that you want to hear, but I was once where you were. My circumstances were not quite the same, but I had the anxiety and a constant fear of death, as well as an inability to stop thinking about it. So here is my input.

In many spiritual traditions throughout the world, contemplation of death is a fundamental part of practice. Hindu yogis often meditate in graveyards, and it was a common Buddhist practice to have a human skull on your desk. The reason is that deep contemplation on the subject of death has the ability to lead a person to a state where one is open to the ever-changing reality around us, and to deeper spiritual understanding.

You were faced with a situation where you truly thought you were dying. Your Ego was forced to confront its own destruction, and it is having trouble coping with such a fact. This inability of your Ego to cope with death is what is fueling your anxiety. So my advice is this... continue thinking about death. The issue is not that you are thinking about death (contemplation of death is a fundamental part of the spiritual path in my opinion). The issue is that you fear death. Distracting yourself will not help, as you will always have that fear in the back of your mind now. You cannot simply forget about it. Death is not something that you can escape. In order to progress, you must confront your fear. You must face your notions of death, and see it for what it truly is.

WabiSabi, thank you so much for that excellent insight. You stated everything I feel perfectly. You are correct. Death is my greatest fear. I struggle with it constantly. How can I overcome and accept death? Namely, my own death. I am a very educated man. I have had a ton of wonderful and professional experiences. But, thinking of my own demise puts my body physically on edge to the point that I panic. And, the more I think about it, the more I panic. It's a vicious cycle. Thanks in advance for any insight on how to overcome the thoughts of my own death.

[WabiSabi]

Originally Posted by gotspirits

WabiSabi, thank you so much for that excellent insight. You stated everything I feel perfectly. You are correct. Death is my greatest fear. I struggle with it constantly. How can I overcome and accept death? Namely, my own death. I am a very educated man. I have had a ton of wonderful and professional experiences. But, thinking of my own demise puts my body physically on edge to the point that I panic. And, the more I think about it, the more I panic. It's a vicious cycle. Thanks in advance for any insight on how to overcome the thoughts of my own death.

I find that those who fear death the most are those who are very invested in their lives. Education and material/professional success often fuel this fear, as you know that you cannot take your wealth or your accomplishments in this life with you when you die. You must leave them behind, give them up.

As for what you should do? I cannot really say for sure, as your path is your own to tread. What happened to me was that I finally decided that I was okay with dying. In the midst of an anxiety attack like many others, one where I thought I was going to die (again), I decided that I would rather die than continue to deal with the misery of my constant fear. My heart was beating so fast, I thought I was going to drop dead any second, and so I lay on the ground and let go of everything, let go of my self and everything that I had any attachment to. I wanted death to take me, to take away the pain. In that instant I made a conscious decision to accept my death, and my fear and anxiety dropped away immediately. I didn't die, of course, and I often still think about my death to this day, but my thoughts have no association fear.

This is not necessarily something that you can just do because you want to. I had to be pushed to the brink before I came to accept my mortality. So what can you do? My recommendation is to take up a practice of mindfulness, something that grounds you in the present moment. Start meditating or doing yoga. And continue to think on your death. Try and discover why you are so fearful of it. What are you so scared of losing?

[gotspirits]

Originally Posted by WabiSabi

I find that those who fear death the most are those who are very invested in their lives. Education and material/professional success often fuel this fear, as you know that you cannot take your wealth or your accomplishments in this life with you when you die. You must leave them behind, give them up.

As for what you should do? I cannot really say for sure, as your path is your own to tread. What happened to me was that I finally decided that I was okay with dying. In the midst of an anxiety attack like many others, one where I thought I was going to die (again), I decided that I would rather die than continue to deal with the misery of my constant fear. My heart was beating so fast, I thought I was going to drop dead any second, and so I lay on the ground and let go of everything, let go of my self and everything that I had any attachment to. I wanted death to take me, to take away the pain. In that instant I made a conscious decision to accept my death, and my fear and anxiety dropped away immediately. I didn't die, of course, and I often still think about my death to this day, but my thoughts have no association fear.

This is not necessarily something that you can just do because you want to. I had to be pushed to the brink before I came to accept my mortality. So what can you do? My recommendation is to take up a practice of mindfulness, something that grounds you in the present moment. Start meditating or doing yoga. And continue to think on your death. Try and discover why you are so fearful of it. What are you so scared of losing?

Hi Wabisabi,

The fear is, losing control of what appears to be reality. The fear of the unknown. I know I have lead a life in which I have tried to be free of doing bad things. I've really tried to be kind to everyone and everything. The ultimate fear and sadness is dying and then what if there is nothing afterwards. I would be so disappointed. I want to know that working hard in this life to be a good person will have some merit after we pass. No, I am not perfect and far from it. But, my ultimate intentions are being good and spreading kindness.

Material-wise, I do not fear losing posessions. I really could care less.

I think that I need to get in touch with my spiritual being. I am not sure how to go about this. I've gone to church and was confirmed Catholic. I stopped going because I do not believe in supporting an organization that was hiding abuses of children.

I feel a huge pull and connection to Chinese culture. I studied Chinese when I was in college. I've always joked with my family that I believe God made a mistake in making me. God instead should of made me Chinese :) With that in mind, I wonder if exploring a Chinese/Asian spiritual belief system would help with my anxiety of death? I have a very open mind about most anything.

"My recommendation is to take up a practice of mindfulness, something that grounds you in the present moment." Yes, I tend to either live in the past or have anxiety about the future. It has only gotten worse as I've gotten older.

Thanks again for your comments!

[wolfgaze]

Hi GotSpirits...

Originally Posted by gotspirits

Hi wolfgaze, what a wonderful community I have joined! Thank you for your courteous reply. You point out some very valid points. I have a very open mind. I do not discount anything and believe everything; I mean everything in life contains a perfect balance and perfect cycle; including our oldest stars and solar systems. I kind of like to dabble in theoretical physics; so having an open mind is very important.

You may enjoy reading Michael Talbot's book The Holographic Universe

Originally Posted by gotspirits

Everyone, you are absolutely correct. My EGO is what is getting in the way. No, I do not mean I am conceited or think overly high of myself. Rather, my physical, body thinking has surpassed my spiritual thinking. (Is that correct?)

Yes that makes sense and I get what you are saying... The egoic identity is rooted in the physical mind & body. It's the aspect of your psyche that influences you to perceive your identity as that of the physical body, as the product of your life experiences and your memory of those experiences, and as a 'being' that is separate from others and separate/disconnected from our external reality/environment which we are currently experiencing. When we are strongly consciously identified with our physical/egoic mind, we are prone to feeling threatened by what happens to our physical body, we tend to be preoccupied with notions of past/future, we are likely to internalize and believe the judgements that others have made about us, and feel that we are our emotions & mental thoughts that we experience (as if they were a source of self-identity).

Originally Posted by gotspirits

"Eventually you will come to the awareness and realization that you exist independent of your physical body. " How do I do this Wolfgaze?

"There is a deeper/higher aspect of you which is not threatened by the notion or experience of physical death - the key is to uncover that aspect and increasingly connect with it..." Can you help guide me in unlocking this key?

"What you need to do is develop an expanded/elevated state of Awareness" Wolf, I don't know how....? Please advise.

It's difficult to put this into words but essentially what I'm referencing above is an enhanced awareness that is developed and cultivated as a result of engaging in the process of self-discovery. You uncover a deeper identity within yourself, a deeper sense of 'self'. You end up pushing Consciousness into previously uncharted territory and this opens up a whole new understanding of who you really are and of your reality/existence. As your state of awareness shifts and expands - so does your perception and this is simultaneously affecting and altering the state of being that you experience.

How are these internal changes brought about? Through conducting inner-work (self-refinement, introspection, self-reflection, deep contemplation, emotional release/clearing, quieting your physical mind chatter/activity, etc). This doesn't happen overnight of course. Think of it as a gradual and extended process of unfolding and development. It helps to imagine yourself taking a series of 'little steps' that over time are going to have an aggregate and cumulative effect that will result in significant changes to your state of Consciousness (state of being). You've already been engaging in this important inner-work, but as you continue down the path of evolving your state of Consciousness - you start to reach critical points and cross certain thresholds that result in profound internal changes and developments that have an undeniable & lasting affect on your state of being. Driving this entire process is the conscious intention and desire to 'go beyond yourself' (you current state of being) - to experience something more than you presently are experiencing. Your instincts and intuition will guide you along the way - and you will find yourself drawn to certain subject matters and/or practices that facilitate the expansion of your state of awareness and therefore over time, your state of being. The internal changes that individuals come to experience have a universal nature - but the path by which individuals get there is varied and is unique to each individual. Imagine a vast mountain and everyone is navigating their own route to the summit. The destination is the same - but there are many ways to reach it. Therefore it's important to follow your instincts and allow your intuition to guide you in a manner that will be just right for you - recognizing that others are doing the same.

As far as my personal experience is concerned. I experienced a lot of mental suffering during my adolescence and early adulthood, and the sudden loss of an important family member in my early 20's thrust me into a state where I had to seek out a deeper understanding of life/existence, where I had to explore the nature of 'death', and where I had to find out if I had a deeper/higher identity other than the one I had struggled to live with an accept. This combination of life circumstances and experiences influenced me to engage in a lot of intensive introspection (self-reflection) and deep contemplation over a number of years. A lot of seeking, searching, exploring, questioning. I didn't know this at the time but this inner-work I was conducting would end up resulting in transformative and life-altering internal changes within me (alluded to above)... It took years to play out but it was absolutely worth it.

Sometimes life throws you an event or experience that ends up serving as a major catalyst for you to push yourself in a certain direction that eventually results in profound changes to your state of Consciousness (state of being). For me, the passing of a family member and the effect it had on me was one of those life events. This wasn't clear to me at the time - but I came to realize this in hindsight (10 years later). I can definitely perceive your health scare and perception of 'dying' as having a similar influence on you and your life path/development that is unfolding. This will become more apparent to you in due time. Eventually you are going to transcend the fear of physical 'death' and completely liberate (free) yourself in doing so. Then you will look back and clearly perceive how your life experiences/events were all part of a much bigger picture and serving a higher purpose for you as it relates to your conscious growth & evolution.

Originally Posted by gotspirits

I tend to either live in the past or have anxiety about the future. It has only gotten worse as I've gotten older.

I highly recommend you get yourself a copy of the book The Power Of Now (Eckhart Tolle) and explore the contents... It very much focuses on addressing the tendency above (bolded).

Here are a couple videos featuring some commentary from the author, set to relaxing music and nature visuals:

The Now
https://youtube.com/watch?v=PkgNIJLpBEI

Death & The Eternal
https://youtube.com/watch?v=_ft1rYcht0c

Regards,
~WOLF

[WabiSabi]

Originally Posted by gotspirits

Hi Wabisabi,

The fear is, losing control of what appears to be reality. The fear of the unknown. I know I have lead a life in which I have tried to be free of doing bad things. I've really tried to be kind to everyone and everything. The ultimate fear and sadness is dying and then what if there is nothing afterwards. I would be so disappointed. I want to know that working hard in this life to be a good person will have some merit after we pass. No, I am not perfect and far from it. But, my ultimate intentions are being good and spreading kindness.

Material-wise, I do not fear losing posessions. I really could care less.

I think that I need to get in touch with my spiritual being. I am not sure how to go about this. I've gone to church and was confirmed Catholic. I stopped going because I do not believe in supporting an organization that was hiding abuses of children.

I feel a huge pull and connection to Chinese culture. I studied Chinese when I was in college. I've always joked with my family that I believe God made a mistake in making me. God instead should of made me Chinese :) With that in mind, I wonder if exploring a Chinese/Asian spiritual belief system would help with my anxiety of death? I have a very open mind about most anything.

"My recommendation is to take up a practice of mindfulness, something that grounds you in the present moment." Yes, I tend to either live in the past or have anxiety about the future. It has only gotten worse as I've gotten older.

Thanks again for your comments!

I cannot force you to believe in something that you have not directly experienced, nor can I give you a 'how to' guide on having such a spiritual experience that would dissolve your fears. I can, however, tell you that death is not an end, it is simply a transition, and that there is nothing to fear but fear itself... but even fearing fear is silly, for fear is an important tool, a method of keeping us alive. And so you shouldn't fear fear, you should instead observe it and try and see it for what it truly is, not a thought of your own, not something you give rise to, but a spontaneous happening.

As for death, think of it this way. For much of the Western world, death is scary, because so many people believe that death is an end all of sorts, and that after you die there is simply nothingness, nonexistence. But the thing is, you cannot fathom what an experience of nonexistence would be like, by definition it is not an experience! And so western minds conjure up a prison of sorts in their minds, a dark void like being buried alive, where they still have all of their thoughts and emotions, and they think "that is scary, I don't want to go there. I don't want to die." But if you do really cease to exist after death, then there will be no you to be disappointed! It's a wonderful paradox really, one of my favorites.

When you go to sleep, are you ever afraid that you won't wake up? I mean, you know that a majority of the night will simply be gone, you won't remember it, almost as if you never really experienced it. And yet you are so sure that you are going to get up the next morning. And the same goes for being put under general anesthesia for surgery, one moment you are there going under, and the next moment you are there waking up. You cannot experience the in-between. You cannot experience nonexistence. You could be 'out' for a million billion years, and yet from the moment you went to sleep to the moment you wake up, it would feel as though no time has passed at all.

You see, what we call life is simply a string of present moments, a string of experiences. We can only ever be aware of experiences. And so, in Buddhism, there is a term used to describe this continuity of consciousness called 'mindstream' (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindstream). Basically, when you die, you cannot experience the void between death and life, and so the only thing that can happen to you is that you 'wake up'!

[PeaceSeeker]

Originally Posted by gotspirits

The fear is, losing control of what appears to be reality. The fear of the unknown. I know I have lead a life in which I have tried to be free of doing bad things. I've really tried to be kind to everyone and everything. The ultimate fear and sadness is dying and then what if there is nothing afterwards. I would be so disappointed. I want to know that working hard in this life to be a good person will have some merit after we pass. No, I am not perfect and far from it. But, my ultimate intentions are being good and spreading kindness.

I think that I need to get in touch with my spiritual being. I am not sure how to go about this.

My father was a so-called born-again preacher in the Lutheran faith. He would scare my brothers and me almost daily that if we do not behave, we would die and go to Hell; we were petrified of dying. At age 16, I had severe pneumonia and a NDE experience that changed my perspective of death. I was surrounded in a spiritual place by the greatest love, beauty and peace. I was told that this spiritual community was really God itself. I didn’t want to leave but I was told that I must go back and still had a mission to complete.

Knowing what comes after physical death is the greatest tranquilizer. Deep meditation is the best way to interact with the same Great Spirit (God) that the American Indians worshipped. I remember a movie where an old Indian went away to the forest to have his life end by praying to the Great Spirit. He died peacefully.