very intense longing for a person I can not be with - need help to make sense

There is nothing as frustrating as unrequited love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gMwpB9W7a4

[froebellian]

Not much help, but it takes more than love to make a relationship work.. this from experience.

i am going through this myself.. we both have feeling and care, but other people have created obstacles, maybe a test to see if we can overcome them, but he has to have the strength to do want to do it.

Originally Posted by breath

It is assumed by many people that a feeling like love is an immovable object, like it's rooted in your heart like an old but strong tree. The fact is that it isn't, it's yours to give and recieve. If you know for sure you can't do anything, then the next move is to take a deep breath and make decision... and mean it.. "I love my husband, that's why I married him." and just turn away. Observe the childishness in your emotion, and they can be childish - and you can say no to it, and deliberately put the spot light back on your hubby. ask him about things that he's doing, inventory what you like about him, just have fun and games to play with his personality and get to know each other.

Love is a choice, the experience of fully accepting someone's nature. With this guy who you have a crush for - you just know him easily. But it's true that arranged marriages are more successful than 'love' marriages. So you are capable of experiencing that kind of love over your own husband. It's just learning to again. I guess.

Amen!
I agree.
Plus, Ahurani,
You also need to remind yourself that YOUR HUSBAND is the one who took a RISK with you by actually LOVING you and by actually MARRYING you.
Your husband is the ONE who is standing by you when life is hard and when you are sick. YOUR HUSBAND is the ONE who PROMISED to with you in difficult times.

Who is this other guy? NOBODY. Just a romantic notion and a piece of fantasy. But you do NOT really know him and he does NOT know you. What risk did he ever took to ask you for your love?
Did he ever say that he LOVES you? Did he ever say that you are the ONE?
He is just an imagination of love or romance. BUT he is not a reality.
Your husband is your reality. Your husband is the one who asked you to marry him and who promised to be with you for a life time.

Keep this other guy in your head and indulge your dreams; however, do NOT let this affect your reality. This other guy is NOT real.

[Sarian]

Sadly, you can remind yourself that the husband is the one that took a risk by actually loving and marrying, but it's not all so noble as you make it sound. the man I married made those vows and always would tell me he would give me the moon if he could, until we got married...then he turned into a disgusting control freak and abused me in every way.

Please don't assume all marriages are the same and that perhaps someone gets bored. There are many reasons why people find love with another or how emotional affairs start.

Nada, I think you were pretty condescending to Ahurani and you have no idea of her history really, so why not tone it down before condemning and trying to belittle or shame her. Just because a person promises something, doesn't mean they keep their promises.

Originally Posted by Sarian

Sadly, you can remind yourself that the husband is the one that took a risk by actually loving and marrying, but it's not all so noble as you make it sound. the man I married made those vows and always would tell me he would give me the moon if he could, until we got married...then he turned into a disgusting control freak and abused me in every way.

Please don't assume all marriages are the same and that perhaps someone gets bored. There are many reasons why people find love with another or how emotional affairs start.

Nada, I think you were pretty condescending to Ahurani and you have no idea of her history really, so why not tone it down before condemning and trying to belittle or shame her. Just because a person promises something, doesn't mean they keep their promises.

I AGREE that all marriages are different and yes, I AGREE that all marriages do not end happly ever after.
But however it still does not change the FACT that her HUSBAND is the one who MARRIED her.
Not this other guy.
Who is this other guy and what has this other guy ever done for her in real life?? NOTHING.

Thanks, everybody. Intellectually, I fully agree with everything that's been said here. I've had endless rounds of conversations with myself about how it's just a fantasy/ I don't know him/ what I have in my marriage is valuable, etc, etc. It's just that emotionally, I can't let go, at least not yet. I don't know why. But I'm working on it. It's been helpful for me to post here.

Sunburst, would you consider telling her how you feel?

Hello ..
it s a little late to post here, but your story touched me so I 'll try to share my own thoughts on this. I also had a similar story in my life and it took me seven years to get over this. I know how you feel and especially this "mourning" when I was the one being strong and let him go . But we got back together and then seperated again on and on oh God ! so many times! And meanwhile we were both trying to have (or had already) other relationships. We were not married but my last relationship almost led to a marriage and it was just before that when I stepped back. I thought that it was unfair to me, to him , to all. I thought I loved him so much and I had to give a chance to him, so I broke up with the man I was about to marry and tried to figure out what was going on with that strange and so passionate love .. Love ?
Was it real love I 'm wondering? Love is about giving and receiving, being there supportive, sharing and willing to fight when problems rise up. I analysed myself , and it was a painful process but I knew this feeling was mine (even though he had the same feelings) what I felt for him was mine. I was determined to find what was there only to realise he was not really what I wanted. And this hurted me even more! So it was something more of an obsession and not love. We tried to be together again , although something had started changing , it was fading..
From my experience these feelings are getting stronger exactly because we don t have the chance to live the relationship. The truth is so simple . If it was meant to be , it would have happened. Behind all this , the answer is held within us, maybe patterns of a thought, belief or a need.
I still talk to him , I love him now but I know I didn t love him then.. And I didn t love myself either. I love him because we had both been through all this.
I hope I don t sound too strict , my intentions were to share my thoughts on your story.. English is not my native language..
If you have love in your marriage then give yourself the chance to enjoy it, it is a gift and should not be wasted. Love the other guy it s ok, you don t have to hate him! , but forgive him and forgive yourself as well for not making it.

With love and light!

Originally Posted by Ahurani

Sunburst, would you consider telling her how you feel?

Sorry for the delayed reply, I don't check back too often in here.

Not really. I've opened up myself enough to her plenty of times when we've had conversations about past unrequited crushes I've had. I either pined too long, or told the other person and got the "oh I'm flattered, but I like you only as a friend" speech. Each time was different, but the ending result was the same. So I confided this to her and said I'd NEVER go that route again unless I was SURE of what the other person was feeling. I know it's usually better to get it off your chest. But with her, I just don't know what to believe. I absolutely know what my heart feels for her, and while I keep trying to not feel it, it's there always in the background. But my head says she's just confused, and/or, head gamer. For the sake of my sanity, moving forward, enlightenment and all that, I gotta go with the head.
So I'm just trying to move on and let her go on with her life as well.

[sups]

watch the movie: when Harry met sally.