To let it out and share

MutedBlue · #1 04-05-2011, 08:21 PM

It's going on two years since I've been profoundly changed by a TF connection. Whether it was a genuine one or one designed by this person, it fits all the emotions and thoughts of a TF experience regardless.

Because of the need to stay away, I feel I must release what I need to say to this person here, in letter form, and if anyone can relate to what I've gone through (some of our experiences are similar) I hope it can be of some benefit to them as well.

Here goes:

Dear person who will never leave,

Once again I can feel you in my head. At these times I get a sneaky suspicion that this is when I am the last thing on your mind. If a thought of me passes through your consciousness I'm sure it is when you are the furthest thing from my thoughts. You have changed me forever. I mourn the loss of the person you showed yourself to me to be. I grieve for what I thought you were or who I wanted you to be. The intellectual you, the thoughtful you, is who you came on strong as. Then you turned out to be self-obsessed and shallow. Two sides to the same person. You claimed once to be many things to many people. Different things to each person. No wonder you ultimately feel misunderstood. You try to absorb people, be who they need you to be--always a different side to you is emphasized--and it's never really all just you. I see you hating yourself at the very same time your voice says you like who you are. I wonder if there is a "real you". It seems you lose yourself in drugs to live with yourself for what you've done to other people in your life. The ones you systematically helped awaken and then try to destroy. It is like a compulsion or sickness in you.

Yet here you are, ingrained in my mind. Do you realize that when I'm through hating how you are, you stay residing in my head? I suppose it's a trick you've learned through your many studies on human nature, psychology, and your power to influence. Some days I see you as pathetic. Others I strongly feel you as a part of me. You did open up a new level of understanding in me. You "raised my vibration" if you will. If you were to see me now, you may not even see the same person you had grown fond of anymore. My less naive view of the world around me may have made me less appealing to you. How much of you was real? How much was played up as someone I would be attracted to?

At this point, you are no longer a person to me anyway. You are like a spirit within, the idea of you is what I carry around with me. You are my imaginary friend, my pretend soulmate. My concept of you will be vastly different than the literal you. The you who is broken, empty, used up, and who has thrown away and rejected all your gifts or used them to hurt and manipulate. That you I want to forget forever. Since I can't escape, you will be endured and remembered as someone who touched my very core and gave me the gift of curiosity.

--If you've read this far, I thank you.

#2 04-05-2011, 09:33 PM

That bitter yet sweet. and I relate to it, soemof it sounded like me some of it sounded like my tf. but uno what, I wrote almost the same message to him. I told him how I think that he is someone I just made up and hes my imaginary friend, that none of what we had was real...etc. Its easy to feel like that,and I dont want to speak for you because I dont know your situation completely ,but I told myself this out of doubt and fear,deep down I knew I couldnt deny how real it is,It was easier to deny it at times when I was feeling weak. If we Stay strong either way, and dont get controled by either the illution of something that isnt real or the fear that keeeps us from seeing that it is,we'll be ok.

I'm sure this letter was therapy for you, its a very good idea.

mystical · #3 04-05-2011, 10:25 PM

this just made me cry :(( because THAT is how it is well for me anyway , i come so far recently but reading this has took me right back , because its like seeing things now for how they was , soem of this is what i wnat to say to him and how i feel , wow , as i write this is suddenly sense i was menat to read this and then i see its 23.23 lol , that what u said about even after hating them , tis true they do stay in your head , sometimes they are liek that angel that fills u with love , and upliftment , then suddely the agel is repalced by the devil who wont leave and it doesnt matter how much we scream or fight or bash our heads he always returns lol , but where there is light there is dark , great writing and onen of the best letters i read in a log time lol

MutedBlue · #4 06-05-2011, 01:35 AM

Yes, it was good therapy, and sorting out all those feelings has helped alot. I hope this wasn't overly upsetting to anyone if it has dredged up old memories. Also I don't want to make it look like I feel all experiences are like this, it is just what I went through. My hope is that this can somehow help others in a similar situation.

#5 06-05-2011, 02:24 AM

Yep, I think a lot of what you have been through is relatable to many of us!
***I mourn the loss of the person you showed yourself to me to be. I grieve for what I thought you were or who I wanted you to be. The intellectual you, the thoughtful you, is who you came on strong as.*** This esp. resonate. I wouldn't say shallow but definitely focused on own self without fully grasping the impact. Yes, this forum is def. therapy

#6 06-05-2011, 09:31 AM

Don't you find it strange how a tf can make you feel hate instead of love?
Bitterness and resentment does not sound like a tf spiritual love. Being our
TF aren't they suppose to mirror us?

mystical · #7 06-05-2011, 09:49 AM

yes but everything altho the same is opposite too , liek the moon dand the sun , theres no light without dark , my twin shows me how i am with others esp peopel who try to get close to me i push them away, fear makes us react funny lol

#8 06-05-2011, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pebble

Don't you find it strange how a tf can make you feel hate instead of love?
Bitterness and resentment does not sound like a tf spiritual love. Being our
TF aren't they suppose to mirror us?

Sometimes they can repel each other, rather than attract each other. I think it might have something to do with their polarities not being balance.

MutedBlue · #9 09-05-2011, 09:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pebble

Don't you find it strange how a tf can make you feel hate instead of love?
Bitterness and resentment does not sound like a tf spiritual love. Being our
TF aren't they suppose to mirror us?

I did feel love --life changing love-- but questioned that because of how I hated the way this person acted. Whether it was genuine or not, I learned alot, and could not have learned what I did from any other person.

#10 09-05-2011, 10:10 PM

I think some people, can find it hard to show who they truly are, if damaged by past experiences in life, they do not even know themselves anymore. Maybe that is where this individual's life challenges lay? I have also experienced a situation where the sense of the person, the sense of their soul, and their initial presentation, has proven to be radically different to the way they actually are and have learnt to be. I suppose I myself, can sometimes be guilty of selfishness and less than desirable traits, due to a traumatic past...the key is in acknowledging them, trying to work with them and change them, and being honest about them from the beginning, I suppose.

Maybe it is possible that this individual's life purpose is to challenge and test those they come into contact, in order to show them their strength, and also to show them how not to become? I tend to think that way, though, spiritually. Everyone comes here with some purpose or spiritual modus operandi, and even those who seem totally negative and riddled with human flaws, can shine a light in their own way.