My twin wants to remain friends

Originally Posted by _dagmar_

seachild, you're a fool.

never ever ask advice over relational issues on a public forum.
these people don't have a clue.

Excuse me saying so but that's a nonsense. Your logic has failed in discrediting fora, particularly this one, one of the aims of which is to give people a chance to solicit opinion and discuss things they consider spiritual.

What would you suggest? Look up stuff on the web and youtube as a bringer of authority and truth?!

Oh dear.

[eliana israel]

Originally Posted by _dagmar_

seachild, you're a fool.

never ever ask advice over relational issues on a public forum.
these people don't have a clue.

they will be harsh and uncompassionate even if they do not appear so.
they will give ill advice, causing destruction to what little you still have.
they do not know, only you.

hatred come over me. as for you, i'd watch this video: We Live in Public (Full Documentary)
- The Best Documentary Ever - length 1h 43m49s - 55 likes, 1 dislike (98.2%) - 4,083 views
- Marcelo Nolan on 2017.12.05 - youtu.be/oIlIu-MSwZk

Fool is a harsh word


You appear harsh and uncompassionate, even if you do not mean to appear so.


You're not a poetic soldier of love either, but you tried.

[Inika]

maybe real life people of the public have more of a clue than people on public forums on computers or other devices used to connect to the internet.

oh wait. People of the public in real life use the internet too! DOh!

[Tortoise Walks]

Hi 7L,

I can't judge this gent either way... I don't know what he's feeling. I do know that something shifted such that he felt a need to break off a long term relationship for reasons we can imagine but really don't know. OP still cares for this soul connection so she must think something positive about him.

Assuming that it's about a "main squeeze" or some such other debased reason is not a projection I like to entertain from the start. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. And if it is... if this is all so he can intentionally play this woman and sow his wild oats or some such mean spirited purpose than good thing he broke off with OP rather than dragging her through that. She can steer clear. And likely wouldn't want to be friends or think so highly of him.

Maybe he's not a smuck after all but couldn't remain in the relationship without compromising some aspect of his authenticity or honestly upholding the expectations/agreements of the relationship. Whatever that means to him. Do you know for sure that's not the case? Do you know for sure that the ex is not acting on what he considers to be heart led connection?

What's more important to me is that the OP knows what is good for herself with this new information now. Her ex is in a new relationship that he can't help how he feels about and he seems unable to emotionally support her through OP's difficult feelings about it.

I shared what I would need of myself to be in some kind of friendship with an ex (assuming I wanted to be). These would serve as important markers to me that I am ready to be in any kind of healthy interaction or proximity without hurting myself/others or violating my own boundaries. That's all.

There is no demanding anything from anyone. Nor throwing the needs or choices of either person under the bus. OP's or the ex's. Not sure where you got that from. Good people have relationships that change or run their course too. Sometimes they can remain friends. Sometimes they can't. OP seems to want to be friends but just not now. And her soul connection picked up on that and cut social media ties thinking it was for the better it seems. Maybe later. If it's desired by both.

Time is a great healer. I don't disagree with that. Not sure how you thought I did.

Cheers,

TW

Originally Posted by 7luminaries

Tortoise, I mean no offense, but let's not kid ourselves that we can judge this gent's latest squeeze as true love. We can sort nothing of the kind. From his own words, he's already got an easy out "disclaimer" to render it all null and void (if she doesn't leave 1st) because he doesn't want kids and she does.

Additionally, no one is saying that seachild can't love him or anyone else unconditionally, forgive him or whomever in her time, and also wish him or whomever all the best. Of course she can do.

However she is in no way mandated or bound to see him or contact him in any way whilst sending love and blessings. She can be happy for all, including for him in whatever he does, without having to engage and invest herself in his life or in supporting him or (as Lorelyen noted) being on hand to bolster him or be his backup sexual support.

Seachild's human right is to love herself equally to all others, not less than and not after she's catered to this gent or whomever. She has the right to take all the necessary time and space she needs to look after herself, no apologies and no justifications required.

Peace & blessings
7L

[seachild]

i see what you have said and i do agree. unfortunately he does lack empathy, self reflection as well. Well confusingly, he has mentioned to me Yes he is confused. Overall he follows his ego, no self growth, repeated patterns.

The breakup is still hard. I do feel his energy, like he does miss me, as I of him of course. HOwever doiing my best to stay in my lane.

His birthday is coming up too, and i thought send him happy birthday in spirt whilist i am at the beach, more so than message him.

I feel disillusioned by the past 5 months.

What gets me is that he is now with a woman who wants kids, and he doesnt. So pretty much its either gonna go two ways: 1. he will leave her (novelty wears off) and she gets hurt too 2. he does end up being a dad when he didnt want to be.


It would be so good that he does start to get real, start to self reflect, self love, and heal his wounds too.

Ideally it would be great to be friends, even thou i would want more honestly but not this version of him sadly. I am not ready from 7.5 years of a relationship to be 'friend'.

I am on the self love path, no desire to be with anyone else. I did go on a dating site, and just deleted. My soul said No, not ready, like duh lol

[7luminaries]

Tortoise, hello there. For once and for all NO ONE is judging this other gent.

When others bring up ownership, you bring up pejorative judgment on every thread I've been on where you've popped in, so I get that there are various aspects to which you react or are sensitive. I find in any case, including where we're sensitive, it's best to bring it all down to earth. So I want to reassure you.

We don't have to judge anyone pejoratively to speak of ownership, nor to be discerning, i.e., to use good judgment. Anyone who disregards or runs from ownership, discernment, or wisdom because they are scared of negative or harsh judgment (two completely different things) would in fact truly be disadvantaging themselves. Ownership is key to even the most rudimentary spiritual and emotional levels of maturity. Discernment and good judgment are always appropriate. Harsh judgment is not and is countered by both justice (including ownership) and compassion -- whereas it is not countered by sentimentality absent justice and discipline.

But the responses given here are not about you -- they are for Seachild.

And here is what we do know...only the very most basic of facts. Yet, that is enough. The gent couldn't commit and variously deceived her regarding his level of commitment repeatedly over the course of many years when the topic came up. She on her part was unfortunately taken in by this and that's why I said to her that she needs to look after herself in future, so that she doesn't repeat this ever again.

This is not (sadly) an unusual occurrence and it happens far too often. But regardless, there's really no need to excuse anyone who has repeatedly and outright misled and lied to someone over the course of many years. Someone they were simultaneously also penetrating and involved with (supposedly) on many levels, including living together.

What I'm saying is, frankly, who cares why this gent couldn't commit or what his reasons were? His reasons are his own. Bottom line is over the years, he deceived and manipulated her about commitment and about his intentions so she'd stick around...and those are the facts on the ground. That's his pile of dung to own, full stop, and excusing him, coddling him, and/or enabling him is not in his highest good, either.

In order to give Seachild authentically loving advice on how to look after herself and care for herself, we have all the information we need, and I believe she's already got quite a bit of solid feedback and support.

Peace & blessings
7L

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by seachild

i see what you have said and i do agree. unfortunately he does lack empathy, self reflection as well. Well confusingly, he has mentioned to me Yes he is confused. Overall he follows his ego, no self growth, repeated patterns.

The breakup is still hard. I do feel his energy, like he does miss me, as I of him of course. HOwever doiing my best to stay in my lane.

His birthday is coming up too, and i thought send him happy birthday in spirt whilist i am at the beach, more so than message him.

I feel disillusioned by the past 5 months.

What gets me is that he is now with a woman who wants kids, and he doesnt. So pretty much its either gonna go two ways: 1. he will leave her (novelty wears off) and she gets hurt too 2. he does end up being a dad when he didnt want to be.


It would be so good that he does start to get real, start to self reflect, self love, and heal his wounds too.

Ideally it would be great to be friends, even thou i would want more honestly but not this version of him sadly. I am not ready from 7.5 years of a relationship to be 'friend'.

I am on the self love path, no desire to be with anyone else. I did go on a dating site, and just deleted. My soul said No, not ready, like duh lol

Seachild good on you for moving on. And good on you for taking some time to sort things. As you noted, the man you'd "want more" with doesn't actually exist.

Instead, he exists as someone else who IRL has not treated you as you deserve. Someone who was honest and respectful and truly loving of you as a person -- and who cared for you as a person and as a beloved friend -- would have told you many years ago that he didn't wanted to commit to you or to anyone (whichever) as a life partner.

And you'd have been free of him long since instead of after 7.5 years of mindscrewage and heartbreak.

Since he's still thinking of you as his backup (emotionally and ??? physically), IMO you're wise to tell him you need to take a break contacting him for a good long while, maybe a few years. At that point, you could always reassess if you really want to be friends, or not.

Once you're over the initial pain, only the ones you're most deeply bonded to will hold further appeal as true friends, IMO. The rest, you just wish them well and Godspeed. You'll have to see in a few years which one he is. And then you'll need to see if he's made any progress as a person in that time and if he has anything to offer you as a friend at that time, or not.

Peace & blessings, and much love and light
7L

[Tortoise Walks]

Hi, i would like to respond more personally however i’m in the middle of uprooting my home/life of about 20 years and moving thousands of miles away for a completely new adventure

I am in the middle of listening to an audiobook that resonates with me quite a bit and i believe could be of value to others as well ~ particularly with respect to the OP. I've linked a specific chapter if you don't feel like listening to the whole audiobook.

Hi 7L, i think you misunderstand me. Online communicating can be challenging... sigh... there’s a lot in the chapter i linked to that shares my thoughts on freedom if you are curious.

Best wishes,

TW

Ch 11 Pain the Price of Freedom 3:11:31
The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer
https://youtu.be/S7ab0eonb2k

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by seachild

i see what you have said and i do agree. unfortunately he does lack empathy, self reflection as well. Well confusingly, he has mentioned to me Yes he is confused. Overall he follows his ego, no self growth, repeated patterns.

The breakup is still hard. I do feel his energy, like he does miss me, as I of him of course. HOwever doiing my best to stay in my lane.

His birthday is coming up too, and i thought send him happy birthday in spirt whilist i am at the beach, more so than message him.

I feel disillusioned by the past 5 months.

What gets me is that he is now with a woman who wants kids, and he doesnt. So pretty much its either gonna go two ways: 1. he will leave her (novelty wears off) and she gets hurt too 2. he does end up being a dad when he didnt want to be.


It would be so good that he does start to get real, start to self reflect, self love, and heal his wounds too.

Ideally it would be great to be friends, even thou i would want more honestly but not this version of him sadly. I am not ready from 7.5 years of a relationship to be 'friend'.

I am on the self love path, no desire to be with anyone else. I did go on a dating site, and just deleted. My soul said No, not ready, like duh lol

I'm kind of in the same place, although for me it's now been almost 8 months since breaking up.
You have to accept his decision. Stop thinking of what he should do, how she is wrong for him because of XYZ. Stop thinking of how perfect you were together and so on.
Because in spite of all that, he clearly doesn't feel it for you (anymore), not the right way. That is all that matters.
I to had the perfect click and match with my ex TF, yet he still chose to leave me for another woman. That says loud and clear that in spite of being this great match and having deep love for one another (he did too, he said that) something was not right. Otherwise he would not have left.
Start looking back and see what wasn't working in the relationship and be brutally honest. There will be things and signs, there have to be and always are when people break up, just that the one left behind doesn't want to see and acknowledge them because all they see is "We were perfect together!"
Again, you were not. Otherwise you'd still be together.
The fact that he now is likely considering having children after all, says enough. But in all honesty, that's not your concern.
Focus on your own life and issues, look at what was missing in this relationship. Stop focusing on him all the time, and above all stop thinking about how you are perfect for him and she isn't. You are not. If you were, he would've stayed.
Brutal, but you have to face the facts and the truth.
It's the only way to heal and stop focusing on him which is important because as you keep focusing and thinking about him, what he should do, what he should learn, you are not living your life. You're wasting your life away, AND you are not focusing on what you should do and what you should learn.
You can recover, I'm as good as there, but I made the conscious decision to stop all that stuff you're doing still. I did this as it was creating serious health issues for me. Then I decided "Enough! I deserve better, and first and foremost I deserve to love myself!" And sacrificing my own health over a man/relationship isn't right, doesn't say "I respect & love myself"
Since that decision it began to improve. And now days go by without me even thinking of him. IT's becoming more of a memory, something in the past as opposed to something that's on my mind 24/7
So basically it's up to you. Do you want to keep yourself in this spiral of pain or do you want to heal and find happiness again?
It really is as simple as that, making a conscious decision at some point that it's been enough.

And to be really painfully honest: all you come up with is ego stuff, not love. Ego, which is what a 'broken' heart usually is. Feeling rejected. Because he's already moved on (which means the relationship problems have been going on for quite some time at least for him), because he wants children with her and not with you, and so on. Victimizing yourself. Understandable, but it won't help you. You must overcome that if you want to heal. It's basically your own ego that's causing you pain, not the ex.
Be friends with him, no. It would be too painful, drag things up, and be honest: would you want to? Does he deserve to be your friend? Or is it more that it would be hanging on to crumbs by being friends?
For me it's quite clear: I don't do friends with exes. I wanted that man to be my life partner. That went wrong, how can he then be a friend? The feelings were too deep. My ex TF suggested it too at first, but now I think even he cannot handle it as the bond is still there even though he's still with the other woman.
Letting it go, choosing you, choosing to love & respect you is the only way through. And yes, then you have to be brutal sometimes with yourself.
Maybe my brutal message can help you with it (that's why I am being brutal).