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Sophomore destruction
Firstly I'll just talk a bit about what happened to me and how I acheived psychosis and later on about how I am coping with or healing the "damage".
Note:I have to tell you that I am not speaking from a "victim" viewpoint, I am not at all sad or regretful of my decision to become mentally ill. The entire time I had psychosis I enjoyed it and I know that I did will it to happen. I really wanted to become insane, merely to experience it, ad what is more important than experiencing your desires?
Idols such as Syd Barret, Nietsche, Beethoven were my inspiration to become "ill", though one thing I was not aware of at the time was a little thing called consequence. I am aware of that today, thankfully.
I'm not sure if psychosis was always inherent in my system but I do know that I never really knew who I was, ever since I was born.
I do know that you lose a sort of sense of identity when you incarnate into the physical, simply regaining it when you return to the spiritual. I've heard people describe to me how, when returning to the spiritual they attain a greater understanding of Who they are and their overall identity.
My psychosis occured when I was about 18, though it really started, or was sowed, when I was 16. This was the beginning of my drug taking phase. The first time I smoked marijuana, the end of 2002 was really when I started using the drug. It took about two years of using the drug to bring me to full insanity.
(Oh, I also took speed a few nights before I actually went insane, and speed is a real nono for mentally ill inclined.)
Throughout 2003 I became incredibly depressed, entered a deep depression, and although incredibly sad, I still retained a quiet joy for what I was experiencing. For I knew that what I was experiencing was perfect in every way for what I wanted to achieve at that point in "time".
Later on, in 2004 I was becoming more and more introverted and started to attain a real artistic eye, which I still use to this day, on occasion.
Leading up to the middle of 2004 I was becoming very stressed out, entering my final year of schooling I decided to leave as it was no longer a joy to be at school.
Entering this new life I had idealised, I would stay at home during the day, increasing my capacity for altered states and simply just to be. This is about the time I became very spiritual, I realised that this was the most joyful aspect and viewpoint with life. At night I would go out to small gathering with friends and smoke more marijuana. Something which was probably not beneficial to my condition, but you see, as I was going insane I had no desire for mental health, I simply wanted to experience altered mental states and paradigms. I was also unaware of my condition, as I had never gone insane before and did not know what was happening to me.
Reaching the point at which I was earing my psychotic episode I was becoming more and more fragile in the mind and new it, I could feel it in my body. I renounced all earthly passions and desires and payed full attention to the spiritual. Such things as sacrificing music (a dear friend of mine) to achieve this inner peace that I was searching for, not eating and almost fasting for two weeks I was definetely paying attention to my spiritual aspect at this stage. My body was no longer my priority, I did not urinate or defecate for about a week, and as you could probably imagine this caused me to go even more insane and one night, a week later from when I began to pay no attention to my physical needs I finally released all the fluids in my system in an emotional (and physical) release.
By this stage my sense of smell was completely distorted and everything smelt really sickly, possibly the worst and most sickening smell I could ever experience or imagine.
Finally, reaching the few days before going to hospital, every day was an incredible experience of beauty, confusion and search for spiritual evolution.
Time became distorted, slowing up and speeding down and a strange rate, Minutes felt like hours and at other times hours went by as if minutes had passed. There was no fear, pain or worry, it was simply and seemingly a never ending adventure to my spiritual awakening. And to my suprise, later when I had left hospital I attained this awakening, but I'l talk about that later.
I felt as if the buddha had felt reaching nirvana, though this did not last long and I quickly turned to fear, searching for answers to my greatest questions about God and Who to Be I turned to the bible, my only known source of information about the divine. Ooh, was this a big mistake, only creating more fear in my mind, believing that God was a punishing, vindictive entity I would make meat offering to try and get "Him" to love me again, for I feared that "He" was punishing me for something I had done. Had I known what God was truly like I possibly would never had feared so much.
At this point my every moment was an incredibly intense experience of mental catastrophe and spiritual redemption.
The night before I went to hospital was probably the most fearful I have ever been. Believing that the apocalypse had come I experienced auditory hallucinations of this perceived apocalypse and also belived that my redemption lied at a certain point in Australia. Though, strangely enough I came to understand that this was not entirely "real" I went to bed
Finally, the morning that I was to experience the mental hospital had arrived. My parents, having become incredibly concerned with my behaviour had called some doctors to try and uncover some clarity as to what and why I was acting so strangely.
Having survived the apocalypse I looked at my self in the reflection of a CD and realised that I had become a starchild, an infinite being of cosmic truth.
I was actually feeling quite sane (as insane as I was) when I woke up on this morning, but as soon as my parents tried to communicate with me and try to get me to talk to these doctors, which I portrayed as incredibly evil people, I tried to run away. Eventually my parents cornered me in my room where I barricaded the doors and listened to my music, which had become an integral part of my life at that point.
Eventually the police were called to assist in my journey to the hospital and they eventually got into my room, got me to put some clothes on (I had discarded clothes as they were not seen as useful or necessary) and carried me out to the paddy wagon in which I was taken to hospital.
I will post my experience in hospital at a later date.
Enlightener
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