Conflict with in-laws...

[Hollyhock]

I don't have my own blood relatives. My hubby's family is all I have.

His sister has always disapproved of me. She and him often crossed lines of whats appropriate discussion for brother and sister. He says he didn't think anything of it.
Or that he was drunk or whatever and was just joking around.
I tried to confront the cross of boundaries to and she deflected.
She's a yoga instructor. Travels. Loves to flaunt her body. Lives in another country. Has a baby close to age to mine.
Just to paint a picture of her...
She has continued to disrespect and hurt me in numerous different ways over the years.
My world turned upside down when she interfered with my relationship with her brother.

His mother is even worse. She at times was very verbally and physically abusive.
Living with her is living with psychological warfare.
She's an addict. Dependent on my hubby. Jealous of his devotion to me. Tried numerous times to sabotage our relationship and my life.
She succeeded a few times.


Well things are smooth sailing for the most part now... we live together so I have to forgive her everyday and be civil no matter how I feel.


I just wondered, who out there has deal with a monster-in law or crazy in-laws.
How did you deal?

P.S. Happy Mother's Day

[FairyCrystal]

If I really had reason to dislike them and they really were out of line a lot, I'd not live with them. If my partner wouldn't be on my side to support me against an overwhelm we'd have a problem. After all it's his family not yours and you're his wife/partner so it's his job to make sure his family doesn't sabotage his relationship nor harasses his partner. If he doesn't, he doesn't have his priorities straight. Neither do you if you put up with it.
I'd say time for some serious conversation.

I know that sounds awfully harsh, not meant that way.
Good luck!

[Hollyhock]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

If I really had reason to dislike them and they really were out of line a lot, I'd not live with them. If my partner wouldn't be on my side to support me against an overwhelm we'd have a problem. After all it's his family not yours and you're his wife/partner so it's his job to make sure his family doesn't sabotage his relationship nor harasses his partner. If he doesn't, he doesn't have his priorities straight. Neither do you if you put up with it.
I'd say time for some serious conversation.

I know that sounds awfully harsh, not meant that way.
Good luck!

I appreciate your input, and you are right. He has let me down in the past but we've come a very long way in our relationship.

I just worry about the past repeating itself. And I just can't bring myself to accept his sister.
Things got too weird with her. It leaves me in a place of confusion because there is no resolution in sight. Luckily we don't have to see her but one day she will visit.
And I dread it.
The reason we live with his parents is financial.

[Lynn]

Hello

It is never easy to combine a family and make it work. We raise our children to spread their wings and fly free from the nest and start a life a new of their own. Yes at times you might have to go home again, but you need to strive to find your independence so that you have your relationship separate.

We do not have to accept any family but if we are under the roof of common ground then we have to be willing to bite our tounge and accept we are a guest in the home at times more than family in that home.

Lynn

you need distance from these individuals and need to put your foot down to tell your partner you will not accept anyone to treat you badly no matter who they are, they have no right. Your partner is in a hopeless situation and will be pulled in two directions, to save him from this you must both keep distance and he needs to put his foot down too to say he won't accept verbal or physical abuse towards you, the trouble is I have learned from my own experience that often insulting things said here and there is said when the partner is not close enough around to hear, but then you need to still not ignore it like I have done from the start but confront it, and then that person will look like a fool, don't mind if other's around hear too. The key is distance, you and your partner putting up your own rules, don't let the bad ones in, he needs to let them know he will not tolerate abuse towards you, he will stand up for you, so do your bit and don't let them get you in a vulnerable place where they can attack you with words or worse. Do not give in to that game. The stupid thing is they just think of themselves, not of your partner's happiness, they are not respecting his love for you, what he can loose, that they make him look like a wimp, you will loose your attraction for him, they are selfish, make sure your partner knows this - what they are doing is selfish and he needs to wake up. Show you are a better person, be civil when forced to have someone around but set boundaries. I would not sacrifice my self worth to just "prove" my love for him and tolerate this ****, you need to be as strong as you can be in yourself, you deserve that.

I would try as soon as possible to find another living arrangement. If he is not on the same level with this I would move out on my own but still say I want to continue the relationship but will not stand for this no more.

[Hollyhock]

Originally Posted by Lynn

Hello

It is never easy to combine a family and make it work. We raise our children to spread their wings and fly free from the nest and start a life a new of their own. Yes at times you might have to go home again, but you need to strive to find your independence so that you have your relationship separate.

We do not have to accept any family but if we are under the roof of common ground then we have to be willing to bite our tounge and accept we are a guest in the home at times more than family in that home.

Lynn

We have tried and were living on our own
There were certain circumstances that prevented us from keeping our independence. And we have confronted the boundary issues but she still doesn't respect them and plays stupid.
She involves herself in everything not understanding that we would like time to ourselves.
She used to often just open the bedroom door without knocking. It took many uncomfortable conversations
to convey to her why that wasn't okay with me. She still insists on changing our bed sheets
and I have to tell her to leave the room and finish.
Things between us are copacetic on the surface.
We just have to deal with the everything until we can get our ducks in a row...

[Hollyhock]

Originally Posted by asearcher

you need distance from these individuals and need to put your foot down to tell your partner you will not accept anyone to treat you badly no matter who they are, they have no right. Your partner is in a hopeless situation and will be pulled in two directions, to save him from this you must both keep distance and he needs to put his foot down too to say he won't accept verbal or physical abuse towards you, the trouble is I have learned from my own experience that often insulting things said here and there is said when the partner is not close enough around to hear, but then you need to still not ignore it like I have done from the start but confront it, and then that person will look like a fool, don't mind if other's around hear too. The key is distance, you and your partner putting up your own rules, don't let the bad ones in, he needs to let them know he will not tolerate abuse towards you, he will stand up for you, so do your bit and don't let them get you in a vulnerable place where they can attack you with words or worse. Do not give in to that game. The stupid thing is they just think of themselves, not of your partner's happiness, they are not respecting his love for you, what he can loose, that they make him look like a wimp, you will loose your attraction for him, they are selfish, make sure your partner knows this - what they are doing is selfish and he needs to wake up. Show you are a better person, be civil when forced to have someone around but set boundaries. I would not sacrifice my self worth to just "prove" my love for him and tolerate this ****, you need to be as strong as you can be in yourself, you deserve that.

I would try as soon as possible to find another living arrangement. If he is not on the same level with this I would move out on my own but still say I want to continue the relationship but will not stand for this no more.

I don't disagree with you. He does defend me now. I wish he would have defended me
before like he does now but we can't go back. Only adjust and move forward.
Its hard that the trust was broken so we have to slowly rebuild it back.
I trust him completely. I just worry about being bullied in plain sight and
looking crazy when its confronted.
I've been targeted in the past because no one wants to feel guilty.