Love languages - touch

[umbridge]

I am in a relationship with a guy who is touchy-feely... I love him, we have been in a relationship almost 3 years, but there are times when he needs and wants more physical interaction than I want or need..
I work hard and I tend to be more ambitious in material world than he is.. but while I am away at work or in school, he feels lonely and empty, he misses me and this drives him crazy.. we have had serious fights about this topic..I tend to need more time alone than he wants...
Definitely there are subconscious patterns that need to be released...

Any advice when your partner have different love language than you do?

thanks

[rainbow.sprinkles]

compromise. you agree to affection sometimes when you don't want to, and he agrees to space sometimes when he doesn't want to.

also he should maybe consider therapy or building up his own personal life in some other way if he's always miserable when you're gone. that's not healthy.

Originally Posted by rainbow.sprinkles

compromise. you agree to affection sometimes when you don't want to, and he agrees to space sometimes when he doesn't want to.

also he should maybe consider therapy or building up his own personal life in some other way if he's always miserable when you're gone. that's not healthy.

Dead on. Working out compromises is an ordinary part of developing a relationship. If compromises can't be reached then one has to be honest and move on. It's no relationship if you can't talk to each other without flareups.

[7luminaries]

All men (that I've ever known) say touch is their primary love language, along with say, quality time (hahaha...at least in part, to facilitate the touch ).

Women typically find this "love language" jargon to be utter rubbish and not at all aligned with how we are wired. Meaning, we can't take "touch" out of the context of emotional and spiritual connectedness, and also from the day-to-day groundedness of presence and "being there".

Not that we don't need our personal space...I certainly relate to that too and your work is important, I get that.

I just think that if he doesn't get that you connect to him in all these other ways, and that touch lies within those, and not apart from those, then he needs to get a massive clue and to stop expecting you to be up for cold sex with no warmups, say.

I think you probably have to tell him, say, that you don't want to be pawed and groped straightaway without some time for reacquainting yourselves and being with one another at the end of the day or the end of the week. That's cold and off-putting for most women and you just need to straight up tell him. Don't expect him to read your mind.

Also, he does need some hobbies -- maybe he could go to the gym or go on a run or a bike -- perhaps read and chill -- whilst you do yoga or finish up at work, etc. It sounds as if he may also be paranoid and perhaps feels you don't love him if he's equating cold shags with signs of love. If you can tell him you desire him when you feel loved and respected and not in the absence of these things, then perhaps you can make headway.

If you need to beat it into his head, make it clear that cold shags feel loveless and coerced and kill your desire. Make it clear there is another way to go and yes, it involves the dreaded C word...connection
Hahaha

Good luck...and may the force be with you.

Peace & blessings
7L

[xluminescencex]

There has to be a way the two of you can meet in the middle

[umbridge]

I alrso realized that our emotional languages are quite different, I like to sink in, he usually doesn't enjoy sinking at all lol
He is very creative, head fullf of ideas and we talk a lot, but he just hates to be alone so much that he clings so badly
thank you all

[FairyCrystal]

I'm actually not sure if it is possible to compromise on this. You cannot learn to want touch and physical closeness. If nothing else, being sort of forced to do so will likely make someone resistant to it whereas they weren't before.
It sounds like he is very co-dependent and he will have to learn to deal with that. It sounds harsh, but that isn't really your problem.
If he truly loves you, and isn't just clinging to you out of fear and desperation, he will have to accept that you cannot basically be forced into physical contact. People are just different.
Him being lonely is also not your problem. He has to find and build a life of his own and get his own passions and things to do in life, apart from you.

The way I see it the only way you could make it is if he sorts out his problems. And they are his problems.
Maybe if he'd look at his stress type in love you can find a way to make it work. There's four types: digital, visual, tonal, and kinestetic.
It can explain so much and also how to deal with the partner.
Watch and listen to this interview to learn more if you're interested:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptLtu0nfTrI&t=1029s

[OEN34]

You are not responsible for his happiness, and sadly, he is operating from the viewpoint that you are, without consciously realising it.

He sounds clingy and needy, which as we know, is a lack of self-love on his part. It's very easy to tell someone to 'work on healing yourself', but sadly the majority of people (especially those not on this path) will look at you as if you are an alien as they don't understand a word you are saying.

In my experience, someone insecure/clingy is tough to deal with when one is on the spiritual path. You become more sensitive and aware what is going on around you, in you, and in others, which can lead to 'problems' along the way, especially in relationships.

Ultimately, he needs to realise that he is responsible for his own happiness and that if you were to part, he would be perfectly fine deep within. Sure, he'd miss you, but you do not complete him.

I imagine he gets anxious, nervous, stomach knotting etc when he doesn't hear from you. I have been there in the past, it is past trauma, but only he can become aware of his actions and want to change.

The thing is, where does the line draw? He wants to shape his whole life around his fears, i.e. he HAS to hear from you otherwise he goes crazy. So hearing from you appeases him, but we know this is temporary and an illusion. What would happen if for whatever reason you couldn't contact him for a day? You were away with work, on holiday etc etc. He would go bonkers.

It is draining and a turnoff for most.

[umbridge]

Originally Posted by OEN34

You are not responsible for his happiness, and sadly, he is operating from the viewpoint that you are, without consciously realising it.

He sounds clingy and needy, which as we know, is a lack of self-love on his part. It's very easy to tell someone to 'work on healing yourself', but sadly the majority of people (especially those not on this path) will look at you as if you are an alien as they don't understand a word you are saying.

In my experience, someone insecure/clingy is tough to deal with when one is on the spiritual path. You become more sensitive and aware what is going on around you, in you, and in others, which can lead to 'problems' along the way, especially in relationships.

Ultimately, he needs to realise that he is responsible for his own happiness and that if you were to part, he would be perfectly fine deep within. Sure, he'd miss you, but you do not complete him.

I imagine he gets anxious, nervous, stomach knotting etc when he doesn't hear from you. I have been there in the past, it is past trauma, but only he can become aware of his actions and want to change.

The thing is, where does the line draw? He wants to shape his whole life around his fears, i.e. he HAS to hear from you otherwise he goes crazy. So hearing from you appeases him, but we know this is temporary and an illusion. What would happen if for whatever reason you couldn't contact him for a day? You were away with work, on holiday etc etc. He would go bonkers.

It is draining and a turnoff for most.

Thank you, you are very correct. He gets anxious when he hasn't heard from me for a day or so.
Definitely there is a codependency.

[o0A0o]

You are dealing with emotional need. That can be handled by him finding something he can invest his emotion in. He is making you his focus. If he had some project, whether career or hobby or even household to focus on he would not be focusing as much on you.

One option may be to get him a dog. Any dog could work but a breed that is more cuddly might address his sensory needs. Get him a poodle or cocker spaniel and avoid the big independent outdoorsy active breeds and terriers. However, depending on his personality a less dependent dog could be better all around. A neurotic dog and a neurotic human results in a neurotic pair......you could make matters unbearable for yourself living with this. Ideally you want balance that enables healthy expression.

Give it time. He may not immediately adjust. As long as it is his responsibility he will eventually shift his energy away from you. And it will be very instrumental if you two break up.