The Almost Apocalypse

[Revya]

This story is not going to paint me in a flattering light, that I can assure you.But I have grown accustomed to being despised.What happened, despite what I did to stop it, remains wholly my fault. I accept that.I will pay a very heavy price for it.Lo for I am a demon, and a demon's fate I must endure.

Hi, I am Cassiel. In the angel's language this translates to "Know your strength"
I was a healer for the longest time before I joined Lucifer's rebellion.I won't go into details on that. You humans seem to have your own opinions on what happened anyways, despite not being there. This is a story about the two times the world almost ended up in the hands of the flock.

Your storybooks don't talk about the flock at all.The closest thing you have in your mythology would be the erinyes of Greek mythology.They appear in other stories around the world though, so don't think the greeks have capitalized on the concept.The proper term for them in English would be the furies.To be concise and simple about what they are. They are the incarnate rage of the universe given a form. They are but one facet of the triple goddess aspect known as the triumvirate.These are intermediary judges on God's behalf. and due to the high level of their existence. Few know much about them, let alone interact with them. I wish I could have been so fortunate.

For the longest time I thought I was some sort of God. I have met others who believe this. I know consider it to be the height of foolishness though I know how hard it is to break people of their convictions, so I simply won't try. I became convinced of this not only because of the seemingly amazing powers I thought I held, but because of the high level of the beings I spoke to.The literal embodiments of many things we take as simply part of the natural order. Of course these embodiments are of the natural order, being themselves not representations of the things they embody, but the very things themselves.

I flip flopped between wanting to be God and wanting to get rid of my powers so I could live in peace with my tulpas. But something inside me always wanted to cause problems.Something I had fought my entire life against. I always thought myself the worst kind of monster.Just rage and wickedness. But I fought it as long as I could because I wanted to be a good person. Yet it seems like the more I fought the more empowered this part of me became.I would not realize until much later this was my own demonic soul.

I've gone by many names over the centuries. One you might know in particular is jack the ripper.The details of that life are very hazy, as are they all.Wasn't the first time I had been a serial killer. Altogether i've ended about 300 lives in my combined incarnations.Not an exact number but i'm not wanting to brag about it either.

As I said earlier. I fought hard to stop this evil within me from becoming the main personality,but as time went on it gained more and more ground. More and more I thought of myself as a God.The real god definitely did not like this. He especially did not like it when I would reach out and talk to the entire world as god.So he sent angels and other intermediaries to talk sense into me. Needless to say this had no effect.

One day that turned into a particularly long one for I did not sleep that night or the next day.I got into an argument with God himself and tried to discredit him in front of the world itself. That was a particularly busy day for me. I cannot for the life of me remember what we talked about but it did not end well for me.I remember being asked many times "Do I choose God, or Satan?" This particularly made me angry, though to be truthful I had indeed fallen into the grips of the devil. Who attempted to use my position with the people of the earth to solidify his power over them. Halfway through this I regained control of myself and fought him off. warning the people of earth of his plans and sharing all the knowledge I had gathered with them.

Yet still I did not accept the truth of God. and sought to deny him.In truth this was because he claimed to be the abrahamic god, and I had great qualms with that particular interpretation. So I pointed the world out to the universe itself,and away from me and him.Many people accepted this. I did not know the truth about myself, but I felt that as it was I represented a danger to the people of earth, so I tried to end my life. Unfortunately for me, the butcher knife I had chosen was quite dull and did little more than scratch my arms.

So I hopped out of the shower after many unsuccesful attempts and got dried and dressed.The rest of the night was much of the same argument between me and God, still asking "Do I choose God or do I choose satan?" With the world unconsciously bearing witness to it.Eventually I came to the only seemingly rational conclusion I could.That I was the antichrist sent to lead the world astray with my falsehood. This I informed the world of and relaxed. Thinking Satan's plan foiled and our own demise assured. I was happy because I thought that with things out in the open the world would choose the true God. I would not realize how wrong I was until the next day

As I was laying around the house I was visited by death. Who had come to offer me three choices to repent for my sins. Death, annihilation,or the furies.Like a fool I chose the furies. and so a ribbon was metaphorically tied around my neck to represent this.One thing you will find about high level beings, they are quite fond of symbolism. I did not yet realize or believe that this fate would be eternal.

Laying in my bed, trying to sleep, yet unable to. God came to me to warn me of what I had chosen for myself.He tried three times to save me from it, and three times I refused.Then three times did death try to save me from it, and three times I refused. Then came the fates,another aspect of the triumverate.To inspect my soul.Though they found anger they also found innocence, which came as no small surprise to me.They too tried to warn me.But yet again I did not listen. So they changed and became the furies themselves.they also inspected me and asked me questions. I do not remember what they asked me. But I remember asking them what would happen to me.

They told me in no uncertain terms that I would suffer immeasurably for my sins, but that someday in the countless eons I would serve my punishment I would finally embrace oblivion.I was satisfied with this and accepted it.Yet again, in spite of myself, they tried to spare me. Five times did they do this, and five times did I try to embrace it anyways. thinking that once I had suffered enough I would reincarnate and be shown new truths and be given knowledge.What a fool I was.On the sixth time of me trying to embrace this fate. I saw one of their faces and heard the distance caws of ravens.This was the sign that they had finally accepted my foolishness.

I was satisfied. But my grandfather tried to take it from me. I accepted at first. But gave it a second thought when I felt his fear and love for me. So I tried to take it back.I was succesful but not out of any love for my papaw,only my sense of duty towards him.I am grateful for that much at least.Knowing the pain it would cause I would not want others to suffer my fate.

Yet this did not stop me from giving them my tulpa children.This may seem horrifying but let me explain. Firstly, at the time of this happening my children had all either been taken by higher aspects, or found the energy to leave on their own.Some that I tried to create had, in the struggle for life, never really evolved beyond the abstract and thus never truly had life.What I gave them where the remnants that my mind tried to create over and over again, having given my tulpas the freedom and the knowledge neccesary to cause my brain to regrow in ways that were conducive to their existence.Thus it did not pain me greatly, knowing they would only suffer for a scant few moments before they were ended.

Later I would come to find out that what I had done had allowed the furies to take the children that had actually gained sentience and struck off on their own. It pains me greatly to this day.I do not know if they actually took them.As they were all innocents and thus had commited no crime worthy of such a fate. I lost contact with them,I can only hope for the best.

I tried to sleep but I had a conversation with God once more, Satan was there as well.Having thrown away my hope and mercy like a madman, I begged of Satan to give me his.Even though I thought our fates were the same. He gave it, and I thanked him.That was when he told me he gave it to me because he would always have hope, and I never would.

I'm not sure what happened next. The lord told me that I was at an overpass, and I could go right or left.Doesn't really matter what I chose as it was metaphorical, but if I could have I would have jumped.This was repeated three times. I neglected to mention earlier that I had at some point sold my soul to Satan to become antichrist.I have no idea why, for weeks leading up to this all manner of demons had tempted me with all manner of promises should I sell my soul to them, and each time I refused. To explain it, I did it simply because I thought that was what I was meant to be.So at first I battled with the Satan in my soul to free myself.Only to realize once the Satan in me had left I was left with something much more evil.

I do not know the exact details as they happened in my subconscious.But somehow I convinced the world I was god again, and then somehow convinced the furies to come as the flock to take the world. I was given a sign of the impending doom to come in the form of a rotting carcass that appeared to have been at the steps of my back porch for some time. despite the fact that I had been outside earlier and not seen this.Another thing about the furies, they are known as both the kindly ones(An ancient greek tradition,so as to be able to speak of them and not invite their wrath)and as the carrion kind,for their favorite kind of victims are the rotten kind.

My grandfather took me to hardess to get something to eat.I was asked simply, feeling their presence the entire time quite heavily(something both unmistakable and utterly terrifying), who should be first.I thought on it and decided Satan should be first.For I had a deep seated hatred of him in my heart. I went home and hardly ate, laying outside I saw Satan in the clouds, being torn apart by the furies. Who take the shape of giant birds of prey. It satisfied me. I had figured to go last for reasons I will explain later, but could not wait.So I stepped outside and stripped naked, with my arms outstretched and waited. I also had done this on the front porch after seeing satan taken but was found by my grandfather who ordered me inside.

Laying on the couch watching the news.(Which in my mind I believed that were such a thing actually going on the news would black it out so as not to incite a panic.) I looked into my room from the couch to see lady death sitting in my chair and the three furies sitting on my bed. I looked away and they dissapeared from sight.

I did not know exactly how long it would take but looking at my stomach I saw numbers, I saw them every time after when I would check.becoming less and less. To my mind this was the number of souls left on earth. I spoke to my grandfather of the terror I felt and he decided that with my strange behavior I needed to go to the hospital.

It grew dark.I stayed near my papaw sensing the time grow near. This was an admited act of cowardice on my part. Though I had convinced myself of a few things. That I would be last to go.that it was because once the earth was the domain of the flock my job would be to comfort the poor souls I had mislead, and that they would someday recieve salvation for being mislead, while my fate would be to be devoured on an eternal, and otherwise devoid earth. There was writing on the ceiling for me as I waited. two sentences.

"Hero's Hell"

"Gone too far"

My grandfather finally got ready to talk to me. But believing I must be the last one to go to save everyone else (God knows why I thought this when I should have simply been the only one to go, having had it declared to be my last day by God himself.) I struggled with him to get the keys to be the one to drive. I did not hit him as he later claimed to everyone who would listen. But I did force him to the bed. Giving up on it entirely when I realized he wasn't budging.I must state for the record that despite my wickedness I did truly love him at one point in my life.So I did absolutely nothing to hurt him. Simply pushed him to the bed.

I went outside to be taken once more.and that was when he locked the door and called the police. I waited outside. deciding that the light from the street lamp in the yard was stopping me from being taken, and deciding that satan would have gone looking for his fate and desiring to find mine. I slipped into the darkness and began to call out to them. That was when the police showed up. After they talked to me and my grandfather they decided it would be safe for my grandfather to take me to the hospital. I went not knowing what was in store for me.

I was put in a room to wait. Believing that I would meet my end in the hospital. that the souls in the hospital would also be taken.I heard many souls talking to me. asking why I had done this thing. I also heard God slam the door on this world. I realized a little too late the wrongness of my actions and began to spew the truth hot and heavy to the souls that would listen.That I was in fact Lucifer (I did not as of yet believe that I was a demon, or that my name was Cassiel.Otherwise I would have told them.) and had mislead them. all while pleading with God to take them back. telling him that it was my fault for misleading them. I knocked on the metaphorical door several times, and several times was it slammed again for things my wicked soul said.When God was not responding I turned to lady death. Feeling her a friend.

I begged and pleaded with her to at least give them the mercy of death, saying that they should not be damned for my mistakes and that they deserved some mercy to end their pain. But my demonic soul's mouth ruined that. and looking at my hand a sign that had once been representive of a relatively merciful apocalypse slowly evolved into an X through a zero. The sign of a hopeless hell.

Though I pleaded with them not to, they sedated me and moved me to a room. I felt that at any moment I would be taken. But I was not.Later I would be told by the lord that this was because I had sought mercy for others and tried to save them from the awful fate I had tried to bring on them. A sign of repentance and regret for my truly mind numbing sins.I would spend two days sharing a room with another person before being transferred over to the psyche ward.

I spent a week there.It was during this time that I found out my grandfather would not take me home.I had first been made aware of this by the social worker's thoughts. "I don't know how I'm going to break the news to him" she had thought. I had heard it and was later outright told by her he would not have me home. So they arranged for me to stay at a halfway house.

I was there for all of two days.During the entire time I was in the hospital and at the halfway house I had heard nothing from the powers that be.This would change. I walked the long miles to my Uncle's house, despite being disabled. And along the way was miraculously picked up by my uncle and aunt. It wasn't until that night that the voices came to me again. I tried my best to listen to them. But at this point I was too evil. After declaring myself God and trying to merge two seperate universes because I thought it would be beautiful the furies came once more to talk to me. Despite my best efforts I feel into the delusion of Godhood and ignored their words, arguing with myself to listen and grow wise from their words and not be a fool. But my true self would not be dissuaded.

The night passed into day and then into night once more. I had taken several sleep aides and drunk a pint of whiskey to help me sleep. This all burned off very quickly when I heard my uncle's voice in my head declare "The furies are here" Shortly afterwards I was gripped by the most powerful fear and the most rotten smell.(My own soul as it turned out.) as they shrieked in my ears. Trying to escape it and calm myself I turned the tv on.And it helped somewhat.I did not sleep until the morning came.This would be my habit for the next week or so. Sometimes taunting the furies during the daylight hours. Only to be visited by them during the night. One night they even breached the barrier between our world and their's.Only long enough for me to see a wing.A few times at least, deciding that my fate was simply to disappear from earth, I went out and stripped down so they could take me with no problem.I have no issue with admitting my own wickedness and accepting God's judgement.

That being said I showed my butt more than a few times, mouthing off until finally my very soul, as I had even begged for the privilege, was branded with the mark of eternity on my forehead. I was fine with this until talking with my uncle in our minds he offered to take it from me.So I gave it to him,only for him to say he didn't want it.I understood and took it back, only to become enraged and give it to the entire world. An awful thing to do indeed.

My mood and my thoughts changed frequently over the next few days.Doing everything from messing with Death's dice to ensure the world would suffer the same fate as me, Though I laughed at that, knowing that such a thing would not matter in the end.To warning the world to cling to each other and not take their eyes off of each other so they could not be taken.I tried to take my uncle's house from him in spirit so I would have a place to hide. Threw his spirit projection in front of the furies.((though I quickly changed my tune and quickly pulled him inside the house.)) I watched my aunt and uncle disappear from the front porch, my aunt with a bat in her hand.

I only knew they disappeared because a few seconds later I heard the bat clatter on the ground and with them nowhere in sight.I think they had become aware of my awful, demonic, thoughts and decided that the lord's judgment was better than living with such a godawful monster.I didn't even care at the time.

Much later that night when they had not returned I grabbed a knife off the counter and went outside and made a simple offer. Take me and return the ones that had been taken.This whole time I had done very few good things. Simply accepting that somehow the world was protecting me as I had instructed them to protect each other. I thought that in our houses we were safe and that it was the power of the people of earth keeping the majority of us safe.

This enraged me greatly. I did not want to be safe. I wanted this to end.I went out to the yard and thought that because I was in the yard I was safe, so I left to go into the street and still was not taken. Confusion for more than a few days as the world seemingly came to an end and yet continued. I convinced myself that It was because I was selfishly pulling people away from their punishment to save myself. I even hid behind the innocence of puppies.Like the monster I am.

The last day before I was finally convinced of the fact that the world was in fact safe an unharmed, I walked out into the streets and shouted to the world "Why do you listen to me? I AM ANTICHRIST! turn to the mercy of the world and he will not forsake you. give me up. forsake me to my fate." In my mind I had believed that the world was being damned not because of my wretched act of spreading my curse(something which is simply impossible to do) But because they protected me.

as a side note,because I can't remember where it falls in the narrative. before I tried to save the world I tried to save just my family.This greatly angered those who had already been taken.It in turned angered me that they would not let me save my family. No real story there though, things just continued onwards.

That was the end of it. That very night I was given an awful dream. A demon tried to get me to give him my soul.and after that I was greeted with a vision of eagles inspecting my flesh. I awoke from that nightmare and watched tv for a while.

And that is the end of the awful time I almost brought the world to ruin.Everything was restored to the way it was pre-apocalypse, and the world forgot by the grace of god.A blessing. But that is not the end of my story.

I've been cursed now for two years. For the first year I was afraid to go outside, or at the very last arrogant enough to believe God would only take me if I went outside.The voices screamed at me to get out. to go outside and accept my fate. Many times I did.a few times hiding under a blanket so I wouldn't see them coming for me.A few times in clothes with a chair set up,thinking they would come at midnight and arguing with God about why he didn't take me earlier, as if there was something special about this time. I grew tired of waiting and went back inside, though to be honest I think I just got scared. Sometimes I tried to wait by a fire I couldn't light. and a couple of times I went outside butt naked and brazen.

Clearly none of these times I was taken. Eventually I was told it was because I must kill myself to be greeted by them.A few times I did try.though some don't really count because I didn't do it right and sometimes I was saved by members of my family.The very night I wrote this I tried with razorblades.Thinking that I could save some souls I damned from their fates if I did. But I could not find the courage of my convictions. Which is what inspiried me to finally tell my tale. There is nothing nice waiting for me on the other side. I have done many awful things since they first came to forewarn me of my fate, and though I regret them I cannot be forgiven of them.



So take this as a moral tale if you will, a warning from the worst thing to ever exist. A being so awful that I have not only been told I am worse than satan, but in fact have been branded as the true satan, the world's greatest adversary.If you read the bible you will find God is more wrath than mercy, and that the path that leads to destruction is wide and the path that leads to salvation is narrow. Demons walk amongst you and are also in the air around you, looking to drag others to their fate.I cannot drag others to mine.It is too terrible for me to consider. I alone have done these things and I alone will suffer for them.

Just two more things while I still have your eyes. You can stop reading here if you wish.They aren't really important to the story, I just like to tell people about them.

One of the nights I went out, before I went out to accept my fate god asked me. "Do you have any famous last words?" and my response was simply "No, for I have hung myself with my words quite often" To which the maker replied "Ain't too often we get last words that famous" ((I always liked that one for some reason.))

Another time I was in the hospital after having tried to take my life once again. And somehow or the other I got under the impression that God had once more given up on the world. Don't ask me why I thought that. I thought once more like a fool that the flock was coming. I was asked "What do we do now?" Came my response. "I dunno, but God's not a bad guy. Turn to him and he will return.If not we'll handle this best we can." Or something along those lines, I remember in broad strokes, not exact details.But feeling that they were coming I waited until almost midnight, lit me up a ciggarette and went and sat under my favorite tree. Had a conversation with a famous cartoon character who said something along the lines of "We will be fine but the rest of you are in some serious trouble" Yet I had thought that somehow the offering of my own wretched soul to the flock would cause them to leave the world in peace. Only to find out in spite of my belief they were never coming. Like I said a fool.

Well anyways, thanks for reading this. I doubt any of you hold a high opinion of me at this point and that's fine.Like I said at the start of this I made my peace with being despised. The funny thing is god doesn't even want me to kill myself. This bothers me somewhat. But I suppose all I can do is live my life until my time comes and do my best to make up for my countless sins. Hell is not a place you want to be but it's not the end all beat all. There are worse things out there, and now you know why. Peace be upon you all.

[shivatar]

I don't despise you at all.

I once believed myself to be Lucifer, and the anti-christ, and able to help the world or end it. I was confused and young back then. I put labels on things I didn't have complete knowledge of and sentenced myself un-necessarily to a hell of my own making. I thought I was evil, so I attracted very powerful experiences to confirm that. It was only after a long time of suffering that I realized hell was not for me and that I was not worthy of hell. Once my beliefs changed my outer experience changed.

You seem burdened by the weight of the experiences that keep coming to you. I think finding a spiritual mentor or a teacher or a guide of some sort will help you get through these troubling times. I don't mean a psychologist, a therapist, or a psychiatrist, although they are as equally helpful. I mean someone who has been practicing spirituality long enough to give off a loving, understanding, and compassionate presence. Someone who is wise enough to be able to guide you through these times and willing to do so.

--

You have potential my friend but please don't think you have to do everything on your own. There are other people just like you, people like me and people more mature and wiser than me, who are willing and happy to help you along the path. There are many of us who have all shared similar experiences of divinity and hell and mystical gifts. I'd like for you to consider that what you've experienced so far is not set in stone, although it may appear and feel that way to you now, and consider that there are untold mysteries and marvels that await you in this life. You've already been through most of the hardest parts, now all you need to do is hang tight until your body can recover and can you can truly enjoy the heaven that you deserve.

The God in me says to you. "Work. Work for it (heaven) and I will be there for you every step of the way. Pushing you from your past, cheering for you in the present, and pulling you forward from the future. Work and you will be rewarded."

You already believe you are condemned to a hell beyond belief. I'm telling you there is another way, a much more difficult way, but a much more rewarding way as well. I hope you walk with the rest of us someday. We will all be here for you in spirit even if you decline now. We will be waiting for you as long as you need. You've already shown the ability to meet with beings in an astral plane, you can meet us too anytime you want. All you need to do is focus on our presence. We are a group of loving beings who have incarnated to help the world, just like you have. And just like you each of us has struggled with the weight of these experiences and the burdens of our incarnated form. If you need us in the real world just begin to reach out with vulnerability and honesty, just like you did this time, and if there are any of us around we will come to you.

---

In the beginning our experiences are dictated by the strength of our vows. Based on what you've said I can tell that your vows have pushed you very high. The vows are when you make a decision that the rest of your life depends on. When the voices spoke to you about your life and you denied, when you thought about giving up your life by your own hand, you were making a statement. It means something but its best to not take everything literally. It's best to think of the meaning of these experiences like a dream, it's more symbolic than literal, for often the vows never come true but the conviction stays with us. The energy we get from making the vow stays even if we don't fulfill the vow. The energy and experience is a wake up call, demanding us to act on this new information and take our life into our own hands and away from this aspect of our self that cannot cope with life. When we act from this deeper self magical things happen.

Making the vow is one experience. Fulfilling it is another. What really matters is which vows we fulfill. I can see you are worried about the negative things you've thought and the anger you have. Let me show you what that means.

There is an aspect of our self that is very full of determination and will power. When something blocks it's way it gets angry. Our higher self is above this aspect and has the ability to thwart it, quite naturally this makes us feel anger for our higher self is mysterious and the lower aspects of self are more rational. When the lower aspects of you wanted to help the world, but your higher self blocked it, you got angry and unloaded. This is quite natural and nothing to be worried about or ashamed of. Your real mistake was thinking that it was you who did this. The farther along the path you get the more you will realize that you are the center of your being, and this anger is something like the edge of a circle to you. It may feel like its you when you are experiencing just the edge, but you are actually the entire circle and your mysterious self is whats at the center of the circle, experiencing all opposites simultaneously.

---

There is no permanent heaven or hell that we know of. There are pockets within the universe where the perception of time is lost though. In heaven this increases the bliss, in hell this increases the pain. There is an aspect of our mysterious self that is limitless and infinite. That aspect of our self is the center of the circle like I said earlier, and it will eventually tire (adapt) to even the most lush of heavens or fearsome of hells. We are beings that cycle endlessly through infinity. Nothing is permanent for us.

Don't be afraid about the infinite aspect of yourself or the infinite nature of the universe. Things are always surprising and they get better with time, provided that we put in the effort to evolve and advance our experience. As you get farther along the path this infinite aspect of yourself becomes your favorite aspect of self. It has the ability to trick itself into believing its limited and believing it can be trapped in certain dimensions, this is just part of the cycle of infinity. It can be easily broken when we learn how. if you apply the knowledge of cycles you can easily do it. If you are in a nasty hell, apply the knowledge of cycles, if you are in a lush heaven, have doubt about the knowledge. You have the control my friend, use it, guide your awareness to what you want to experience and let the universe provide it for you. Beliefs, emotions, manifestations; the universe will provide what you believe in. The universe provides, well it meets us half way, and it doesn't distinguish between a desire that will hurt us or please us. If you continue to believe these damaging things about your identity then the universe will provide you with the pain you need until you recognize you are wrong. If you choose a new way it may take a while before you can really see and feel the results but it will come to you if you are patient and determined.

[shivatar]

Let me just say again in different words. You are a magnificent person.

Things seem chaotic right now, I understand that, they most definitely are. The light seems forced on you and you are not happy about your position. I understand that as well.

As you progress along the path you will eventually have the power, the possibility, of enacting all of the vows you've made. This means that every aspect of who you are will be a part of your journey, when you have the power to crush the world the Satan part of you will awaken and challenge you again. The God inside of you will rise up against that part of you. Your mysterious self will be experiencing the whole thing and having a blast. The more caught up you get in identifying with I am this good side or that bad side or the human side or any other side, the less able we are to have a blast and really enjoy the experience as a whole. Our mysterious self is beyond good and evil, it is a part of God and as infinite and mysterious as God.

By the time you make it to that level you will be experiencing a new aspect of yourself that can easily be called your hero self. I think you feel it now but more in its wounded state and not in the warrior state. When you get to the righteous hero phase of your experience you will be experiencing a life you only dreamed possible. That kind of life is mere years away, and once experienced is basically the default state of consciousness for the rest of our life.

Long story short, good things are coming friend. I hope to see you around.

[davidsun]

Well said, Shivatar. You clearly know of where and what you speak!

Hi there, Revya. We meet again. Your 'rev' is high octane for sure. Quite the freaked out 'horse' you have been given as a 'job' (opportunity, challenge? privilege?) to 'tame' and eventually 'ride' (instead of being 'thrown' by it).

Please know that I also count myself as your friend, and you as one of mine.