The Dark Night of the Soul

[Makoiyi]

Think of it as the same as a Caterpillar changing into a Butterfly, your in that chrysalis stage. The time of change where you drop the old stuff that you don't need both physically and spiritually and grow into your new self like the butterfly. Like a small death to loose the old and the rebirth is growing into the next stage of your life and development.

Ok its not easy, comfortable or pleasant, and yeah it can take a long time but during that time instead of sitting and stewing in it the best thing to do is to actively start helping yourself get out of it. Like Jyotir said take up walking or some form of exercise, start to look after your physical body. Physical movement helps spiritual movement because your pulling your physical and spiritual self back into a form of balance.

Next thing I would suggest is go spend some time in nature absorbing with all your senses everything you see, smell and experience, take a note book n write or sketch things that come to mind or you feel is significant to you. Writeing and drawing help you focus on things and figure them out. You can also refer back to these at a later date.

Find a quite place and sit if you can quiet yourself enough then relax and try to meditate for a bit. Jot down anything that you pick up on, or if your just sitting anything that walks or flies past you. If you follow a shamanic type path you can research the messages what you see may bring you.

The more you do to help yourself the quicker you will find that you pass through this stage and the more you learn and grow, a message can be in the form of an animal or bird pausing in that space your in or a leaf of a feather blown to you on the wind. All is significant you just then have to find what it means to you.

This is something that needs to be done more than once, so when you feel your slipping back into that space go n get pro active n do something, don't just sit n wallow. You have to help yourself to move through this so that you can grow and become your version of that amazing butterfly!

[goosebumps]

The best answers for you is inside, you just need to be quiet to hear them, however, you need to hear you, and not the ego, as that is what keeps your vibrations low, it is a crisis, everything you knew, isn't what it was, everything that what it was, isn't going to be. There is a lot of stuff on the internet on this, read as much as you can, so you know what's happening and how this works, to understand the light, is to know the dark, the darkness wants to help you, its a horrid time, I'm still in it, but I understand it, this helps alot.
Peace.

[dream jo]

yep so tru

[Soul Renew]

To everyone, thank you, thank you so much.
I hope it's alright that I make this one reply for all of you because I think it would be too much to reply to each one of you and I may end up repeating myself.

For each one of you, I thank you deeply and sincerely from my heart.
I read all your comments and it feels better knowing that others are going through it or are still experiencing it.
Though it is such a hard and lonely process, I hope we can all make it through it to the end of the tunnel where the light has always been waiting for us.

I have lost interest in all things that once made me happy like drawing and writing.
Sometimes I was able to get random spurs to draw.
For instance, I drew these three artworks to give form to my feelings.





I have moments when I can laugh and have fun, but then I wake up the next morning feeling completely drained and need to recharge for like 2 days.
I have siblings who know what i am going through, they're in high school and they have been supportive.
But they also have their own problems to deal with and sometimes our energies don't match.

I have been going through catharsis a lot, experiencing feelings of paranoia, fear, depression, loss, all sorts of feelings that I have repressed or never even experienced. I personally think I am going through feelings of my past life/lives that have kept me from being my truest self in this life.
I have never been married or have a child, but I went through weeks feeling I have lost my child and needed to have my child back.
I felt fear of being raped, feelings of guilt for murder, feelings of being cheated on, feelings of apologizing to a lover and so much more...

Just this morning, i woke up feeling incredible anger, a want to be free and to rebel. I believed in one life I had an extremely controlling and repressive mother who was probably the origin of my problems. I've had dreams that somewhat led me to believe that.

To describe how she treated me is terrible. It's like I had no willpower or opinions in her presence. I was just a doll to her.
She would do whatever she pleases without consideration for my feelings.
The feelings of her 'abuse' was like being poked endlessly in the chest and no matter how much you screamed, cried, or tried to pry the fingers away, it would never budge or leave. Just poke, poke, poke, over and over.... no privacy, no stopping.... terrible!!

I was able to let out the frustrations built up from that life in this life and found lots of healing.

I've felt a motherly love during this dark night of the soul and met someone in another country who's felt the same too.

Maybe this is the controlling mother coming back as a spirit to make amends for her wrong. I have felt great healing in hugging my blankets and believing it's a mother that loves me unconditionally.

I've felt too tired to pray and it feels like I am not heard by God. But there were times where I was led to certain answers, through dreams or symbols, or I received feelings. For example, wasps and dreams of me speaking my heart led me to believe i need to work on communication skills.

I have recently felt I need to take care of myself and love myself. I cannot continue forward until I can treat myself with love and compassion.
In my life, I have destroyed my self-image by belittling myself and believing that how others treated me meant I was to be treated that way.

The old life I've lived is crumbling apart because it was not for me. The life I was living felt like wearing a size 5 shoe when I was a size 9.
I felt so much pain in my soul, so much suffocation....

But the more I lean closer to love for myself and others, to forgiveness and understanding, the more healing I feel...

It does feel like being a chrysalis stage. That I am to become a butterfly after all this...but it is so hard...

Walking has helped, as well as meditation. But at the moment, releasing negative emotions, cuddling myself, and positive affirmations have been so healing.

I am actually considering getting a job soon.
I prayed the other day and felt this feeling inside me that said I had to take it slow. So that's what I am trying to do and I will try to work only a little bit hours.

I appreciate all your replies everyone. I'm sorry if i missed anything.

[Akira]

Wow Soul Renew - I love your pictures and your response is very productive. Keep at it with the Self Love, it is a very important step to release that which haunts you. Without it we stay trapped in the blame cycle.

I think a job is a fab idea, take tiny doable steps that open your life to new possibilities. When all my stuff hit the fan I had to will myself to go to the local Zumba class. Now I know that it was little thing, but it changed my life.

I think that when we go through trauma it can be easy to hide from the world to feel safe. Yet, the safety becomes a prison to some degree. I am right there with you and I commit to getting out into the world too...

Love to you

[Dargor]

Those drawings look amazing, they definitely relate to me as well. To me, the DNOTS is like the body is just fine while the soul is agonised by hellish torment that seems endless and without purpose.

[Soul Renew]

Originally Posted by SlayerOfLight

Those drawings look amazing, they definitely relate to me as well. To me, the DNOTS is like the body is just fine while the soul is agonised by hellish torment that seems endless and without purpose.

Thank you so much! ^^

I agree completely on that!
I had a dream once last year where I was motionless in the ocean and a giant shark repeatedly bit through me (biting my soul), and while it ferociously chewed me, I was screaming on the inside while my body continued to be motionless. It was terrible!!!!

However, I was saved by a girl who was supposed to be my sister (never seen her in real life though). And the dream was tied to past emotional pain.

[Soul Renew]

Originally Posted by Akira

Wow Soul Renew - I love your pictures and your response is very productive. Keep at it with the Self Love, it is a very important step to release that which haunts you. Without it we stay trapped in the blame cycle.

I think a job is a fab idea, take tiny doable steps that open your life to new possibilities. When all my stuff hit the fan I had to will myself to go to the local Zumba class. Now I know that it was little thing, but it changed my life.

I think that when we go through trauma it can be easy to hide from the world to feel safe. Yet, the safety becomes a prison to some degree. I am right there with you and I commit to getting out into the world too...

Love to you

Thanks!! I'm glad you loved them!

Self love is very hard for me still,but i'm slowly making progress.
I applied for a job but they never called me xP I'm really anxious about applying for a new one... I came back on the site looking for some support. I'm scared of taking steps forward...idk if I'm ready or if I'm holding back!

I've tried zumba many years ago and it's pretty fun. I like dancing, but only at home! >.< But seeing you say that makes me think about taking a zumba class with my sisters at some point in the future... It might do good to have more exposure to the world when I think it's time...

Thank you for your kind words, it helps a lot.
I am trying to be more accepting and deserving of kindness because I sometimes feel like running away for being shown kindness. I think it's conditioning.

I'm actually going to add an update on the DNOTS regarding that.

[Soul Renew]

JAN.8.2018 UPDATE

I haven't been online in a long time, but I have gone through several cathartic breakdowns and have been trying to listen to my soul more.
My soul had been telling me to take time off to myself and to my feelings.
When I reach for my phone or use my laptop, I get really tired or I feel some kind of rejection in my soul.

Currently, I'm going through the emotion of anger which I have been too scared to express and had locked it up over the years.
Now it has erupted and it was the next stage in the DNOTS.
The anger I feel is old suppressed anger, I'm releasing it out through screams when I'm alone and other ways that don't hurt others.

I feel tremendous relief, but also sometimes fatigue from releasing so much energy.
I need to clear out the bad energies inside me before new good energy can take its place.
It's like dumping out expired milk and replacing it with fresh milk.
You don't want to mix in the fresh milk with the bad!

At times I feel like a dead body and I want to be limp and relax as much muscle and tension as I can.
Sometimes I'd sit on my bed immobile.
Sometimes I imagine my soul's wounds on the outside of my body and it makes me sympathize with myself.

Before self-love, I need to get through my darkest emotions...
So I have been dealing with anger in past few days.

I have read some article online on DNOTS/Spiritual Awakening/Kundalini Awakening and have come to this personal conclusion.
My old life and self is dying because it's not truly "me."
I have lived my whole life trying to please someone rather than live my life for myself.
The things I did was not because I truly wanted to do it.
Everything was for some reason not for myself...

I have won 2nd place in an animation show, designed my high school yearbook, and have become one of the first in my family to go to college...
Such great accomplishments....
that I truly don't feel happy with.

Yeah I did these things.
But my heart wasn't in it.
I just did the animation and yearbook because I was asked to.
I went to college because I was made to.
But there was no heart behind it all.
Just pressure and the thought of, "I gotta do what I gotta do."

The first time, in a long time, that I was actually proud of myself, is when I made a short animation last month that I wanted to do for myself.
Not to please anyone, just myself.

Besides going through repressed emotions, trying to do more things from my heart and soul, I've also been trying to decondition what I've learned from my childhood. I've been seeing that all the horrible thoughts I've had about myself came from my childhood.
All those years thinking I was a bad person because my own father always questioned everything I said, think, and did....

I lived in a home where I wasn't allowed to go to people's houses. So can you imagine being chained to someone every day that makes you feel wrong and inadequate? School didn't help either because I was a weirdo to people there too... I couldn't find many people who accepted me...Instead, I found company with those who found fault in me.

Maybe because I grew up being criticized and put down that I flock to those who'd do the same...
Now I had few great, close friends, but we weren't close emotionally...(when i was sad they didn't know how to comfort me well)

Anyways, to describe my childhood feelings....
It's like being a bird with a chain around your neck. Those who held my chain wanted me to be a dog or they treated me like I was a dog, even though I was a bird!! I couldn't fly very far because the chain was short and when I try to fly away or do something that wasn't dog-like, the chain was yanked or tightened around my neck.

Eventually, DNOTS came around and I feel it's my chance to be free...
But all those years chained up and feeling miserable and unappreciated left me so weak and bloody that even if the chain is off, I couldn't even fly...
My wings were broken...

So I think DNOTS for me is healing those wings and getting me back in the right direction and being the bird I'm supposed to be...just very slowly.
I stopped drawing before DNOTS, now I've drawn just a bit. =) Not sure if i'll continue, but it must mean something.

I also feel that before DNOTS, my life was like wearing a size 4 shoes when I'm supposed to be size 9. Now imagine that! Wearing the wrong size for so long is suffocating!

During DNOTS, I actually felt like my soul was suffocating.

I wish I can describe people how significant this is...
I've lied to my dad i still go to school...but i haven't since 2015!
i might drop out. I don't have my projects done and i've lost them too. i dont want to go back anyways....

In late November I applied for a job and they never called me!
Idk if it's right time for me to put myself out there, but what scared me most is talking to people because i'm not good at making friends, and in Astrology, Saturn is conjunct my prog. Ascendant, and that means a limitation on my self-expression, which has been true and frustrating! I've also had transit Neptune conjunct Saturn, so that also ties into DNOTS since Neptune is washing away my fondations and all i thought was real.

Part of my frustration is the inability to express myself and I feel the real me would be a contradiction to how i present myself to public now. It will confuse people and i dont want to confuse them.

I was thinking i dont want to put myself out there because i don't even know who i am yet! if you attract what you are, i'd might attract wrong people because i have been experiencing many varied and contradictionary energies! I am emotionally unstable and also my mind is usually blank.
I dont feel interested in talking to people, only want to invest in myself.
My moods affect me a lot and since DNOTS, I've been feeling withdrawn and when i don't animate myself, people assume i'm stuck-up, rude, mean because I have the resting jerk face. but really i just feel sad. =(
I hate when i'm feeling depressed and someone is attracted to me because it looks like i'm hot in some warped way. no...i just sad and scared to show it...

My whole inner world and personality is such a problem i dont know how to express accurately to others because 1) im shy too express it 2) conditioning has left me feeling that my thoughts don't matter so i think "why bother talking and sharing opinions?" 3) DNOTS 4)depression 5) social anxiety

I think it's important i take care of myself first before putting myself out there.... All this here is so much to ponder on......

[Crowzie]

I'm currently experiencing a DNOTS. I don't think I've ever experienced such profound, and sublime pain before. At first I fought it. Right now, I fully embrace it. I no longer fight the pain I experience. Everyday I delve deeper, I come that much closer to myself. I'm accepting and integrating my shadow self. I don't fear life like I used to. I have never felt so alive.