Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

well so im paranoid
what else is new
lol

i probably ought to be
shivering in my boots
with all the crazy stuff i said
i guess

i tired though
of being too scared
to be expressive
so
guess i just get to be scared

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
i wish sometimes
she actually liked me

but i just can't believe that
any more...

[FallingLeaves]

well
getting used to
just being real
instead
of trying to reach
some unattainable something
slowly but nice...

i did realize though
i wasn't paying enough attention
I'm working on that a little
now
as i remember
-----------------------------------------------------------
lonelineness hitting
a little hard now
though
as
I'm not entertaing the idea
that someone might actually like me
now

and now
i can't even let myself
entertain
the idea
that if I were female
all my problems would go away.

It wouldn't change a thing
with noone actually liking me
I guess...

another reason
I'm glad
I didn't pin my hopes on
that kind of
better tomorrow.

[FallingLeaves]

i hate it
when you
push my buttons

it just shows
how much
you don't care

but I guess
I had no business
supposing you did
anyway

I should know better
by now.

[FallingLeaves]

well as awful as it has been
between him
and each random girl

he used to suppose
somehow
magically
the problems would go away
and he could be with someone.

now he supposes
the problems will never go away
and he'll never be with anyone.

[FallingLeaves]

he doesn't really
want to be a girl
any more
either...

not that the idea isn't nice

just

it just seems like
yet another dream
that can never actually be reached.

And he's tired of trying to get to things
he should have just had
all along

much better now
just to do without.

[FallingLeaves]

well fifty years
from the day
my life changed
lol

i used to curse it
what use was all this effort?

Now I'm like
at least
not
unhappy
with what God chose.

Maybe
even
Grateful.

[FallingLeaves]

i used to try
to tell people
what a pickle im in

but noone ever cared

at some point
i figured out
they didn't care
because
i'd gone out of my way
to give them the courtesy
of not having to face
the kinds of horrors i always
have to face

they get pleasant lives
with some semblance of peace
that I'll never attain...

and a lot of it is
because
I've spent a lot of time
softening
various blows for them.

so how could they even know
anything even close
to what my life is actually like
how much strife and pain?

they just assume
I'm like them
have some semblance of peace
and that
all my talking
is just
another attempt
to get something or other
from them
in some vain way

which in fact
maybe in some ways
they are right
im always needy

although
in my own defense
it is very hard
to stop and actually accept
harshness
in the way
I have to face it

there is always a desire
to try
to find
some way out

especially with everyone
telling me
all the things I have to do
to avoid
this that and the other thing
or else something bad will happen

and all the other things i can't do
or can't allow to happen
or else something bad will happen

and top of the list
one should feel good
and be happy
or else

up until recently
I've been getting my fille
of playing
escape artist
and trying to find something
anything!
to soften my own pain
and get myself out
of whatever trap
i next find myself in

my upsettedness now
though
is
that escaping is one thing
but I always
find myself
in yet another trap
after that

and I have to do it all over again.

im getting tired of that too.

So I think
any more
what is the point
in trying to go somewhere I'm not
just because others
are telling me that is bad not to do just that?

so im thinking
isn't it just easier
to accept im in pain
and quit squirming
trying to make it go away?

[FallingLeaves]

i think
i'm not
going to play
this game
where I hope
somehow
things will be different
than they were before.

tired of chasing carrots?

but all that means is
now
all i can look forward to
in my somewhat destitute future
is someone telling me
meanly
that if i had only gone
just a little further
i would have gotten the prize.

but listening to that tripe
is how
i got into this mess
in the first place

and listening to it some more
isn't going to change things
any more
than it ever did before

but still
having to listen to that
when it is said
is just going to hurt my heart.

But i have the choice,
to hurt that way
or to hurt the way i always did before
by trying to go on
just a little further
and yet never actually gaining a prize...

earlier i couldnt take that burden
of hearing those words
but
now
i don't know that i any more
have a choice.

[FallingLeaves]

You don’t have to take the bad with the good.
Why include the bad in the vibration?
Only include the good in the vibration, and then only the good can come to you.

the rub is
that for me
trying to get rid of/avoid/not have bad vibrations
or whatever your favorite phrasing is
that not having them
is a good thing
to be revered
and that you can actually achieve this state
any such idea
itself causes bad vibrations
for me

So all such advice
about how to bring
good things
into my life
is just worthless
as far as I know.