My Journey to being on the verge of Atheism...yet want to believe in more

[Guard]

So, I was raised in a Christian home. But it wasn't overboard or anything. I never had anything forced on me. I just accepted Jesus was the Son of God. I believed the bible stories without even questioning them. I maintained a belief in Christianity for 30 or so years.

I was at one point the member of a praise band even as an adult. I had some controversial scripture discussions from time to time with someone I was in the praise. It got me to thinking deeper and asking more questions of myself as to the truth of my faith. Over many struggles, I started to shed much of what I believed in exchange for rigid non belief. So I went to almost the complete opposite end. I have gone back and forth as to whether or not there is something more after we die. I haven't seen an evidence so far. Yet, I want to believe there is something. And that something is not tied to any specific religion. Because of my Christian faith and shedding my beliefs. I feared of hell for many months. Then anger came over me as how a God can punish his creations in such a way. So I was in a vicious circle for a long time.

I know many will say that I need to find my own way. But has anyone else experienced these kind of roller coaster of beliefs when leaving a long held faith in search of truth.

And lastly...for those that believe in something more. How are you sure there is...something more?

[Jyotir]

Hi Guard,

Many people are experiencing this now.

It's extremely common , and some would say necessary or unavoidable - what you have described...this transition, which is an oscillation (roller coaster) between external objective seeking of truth (religion based as the status quo) vs. a more subjective internal truth seeking. It is a widening and deepening of meaning and purpose. And importantly, a more practical integration of what has been superficially theoretical and provisional...up to now.

One does not exclude the other, but the latter (subjective/internal) may eventually displace the former (objective/external) in emphasis and importance as a natural, organic growth of spirituality. What is really dying is ignorance, which is the origin of 'hell'. What is emerging is truth, which is the origin of heaven...in whatever 'location'.

The reason this can happen is because God is all of it, and in all of it and AS all of it always emergent as 'something more', especially in and through each individual life. Life is the evolution of consciousness in the physical - God-becoming, God-discovery, God-realization.

That is also consistent with, and not exclusive of, what Jesus Christ taught. It's just that the common interpretations of that teaching given through traditional religion may be distorted or inadequate in its conventional forms - obsolete or inadequate at some point for one's own personal evolutionary necessity, when awakened to this new possibility. And so, that is where the questions come from.... within.

That dissatisfaction and urge to know IS THE EVIDENCE. One just needs to recognize that from within vs demanding proof from without; that is the new paradigm. Follow it. Yes, it means 'finding your own way', but that is really God leading you to God.

~ J

[MARDAV70]

Originally Posted by Guard

So, I was raised in a Christian home. But it wasn't overboard or anything. I never had anything forced on me. I just accepted Jesus was the Son of God. I believed the bible stories without even questioning them. I maintained a belief in Christianity for 30 or so years.

I was at one point the member of a praise band even as an adult. I had some controversial scripture discussions from time to time with someone I was in the praise. It got me to thinking deeper and asking more questions of myself as to the truth of my faith. Over many struggles, I started to shed much of what I believed in exchange for rigid non belief. So I went to almost the complete opposite end. I have gone back and forth as to whether or not there is something more after we die. I haven't seen an evidence so far. Yet, I want to believe there is something. And that something is not tied to any specific religion. Because of my Christian faith and shedding my beliefs. I feared of hell for many months. Then anger came over me as how a God can punish his creations in such a way. So I was in a vicious circle for a long time.

I know many will say that I need to find my own way. But has anyone else experienced these kind of roller coaster of beliefs when leaving a long held faith in search of truth.

And lastly...for those that believe in something more. How are you sure there is...something more?

For me it's not about belief, it's about what I actually experience. All else I take with what makes sense, using reason, and what seems to be commonality in the essence of a thought or idea, again, using reason, yet not throwing anything in the trash simply because it doesn't sound right.

But, Gee...you're story is very much like mine. In researching atheism I found that it's a common process of reasoning. But then, with many atheists, it pretty much stops there.
I grew up likewise and was where you are, then for about 15 years came to conclusion that there is no God, no after life and science is the only tool to arrive at answers in looking at our world and universe. Anything else can't be proven, so if it can't be proven it must not exist.
Then I had a heart attack and with it a NDE. The reality and my perception of my state of being in the experience far exceeded any such feelings in this life.
I'm still an atheist...that is, I don't know if there is a "God" (in fact I doubt it...especially this God of Abraham that is central to Christianity and Judaism that with thorough, reasonable and honest inspection is obviously fake, IMO) or even what God is...if there is one. But consciousness goes on after "death" from my own experience, and if it does then there has to be a source. It's determining what that source is is where the confusion starts.

Wondering and contemplating any idea is good. The fact that you say you "want to believe there is something" is interesting, but what someone wants and what they get depends on how and even if they search for what it is they "want" to believe in. So, that's what ya gotta do...search.

On a personal note, my searching (after the NDE) took me to NDEs, physics, astronomy, biology, ancient religions, atheism, anthropology, archeology and ancient civilizations, spirituality and even alien life theories, and alchemy (lol, I'm sure the list isn't complete). In no way am I suggesting you follow my method or "believe" me. I'm only relaying what my experience has been. I would suggest that yes, you need to find your own way, and in doing that I hope you don't go with just "what sounds good" without the effort of checking things out. The fact that you're here at SF and have asked shows your quest is sincere and needless to say, that's a very good start.
Best of luck...!

[sky]

MARDAV70...You might enjoy this article....http://www.esolibris.com/articles/re...sciousness.php

[Tobi]

Originally Posted by Guard

So, I was raised in a Christian home. But it wasn't overboard or anything. I never had anything forced on me. I just accepted Jesus was the Son of God. I believed the bible stories without even questioning them. I maintained a belief in Christianity for 30 or so years.

I was at one point the member of a praise band even as an adult. I had some controversial scripture discussions from time to time with someone I was in the praise. It got me to thinking deeper and asking more questions of myself as to the truth of my faith. Over many struggles, I started to shed much of what I believed in exchange for rigid non belief. So I went to almost the complete opposite end. I have gone back and forth as to whether or not there is something more after we die. I haven't seen an evidence so far. Yet, I want to believe there is something. And that something is not tied to any specific religion. Because of my Christian faith and shedding my beliefs. I feared of hell for many months. Then anger came over me as how a God can punish his creations in such a way. So I was in a vicious circle for a long time.

I know many will say that I need to find my own way. But has anyone else experienced these kind of roller coaster of beliefs when leaving a long held faith in search of truth.

And lastly...for those that believe in something more. How are you sure there is...something more?

I think it is quite normal to have a complete overhaul of spiritual core-Being when a major shift in consciousness has taken place. Try not to be too hard on yourself about it. You are probably in the process of examining everything to see if and how things fit with your inner Self.

You don't need to throw out some things...just see how they fit with you now. You may find -for example -that an even deeper relationship with the ever-living Spirit of Jesus Christ and Christian values occurs. You may also find that your own way of faith doesn't necessarily resonate with others around you "of the Church", or your upbringing. This sort of thing can be quite upsetting as it can result in rifts between friends and family. And even unnecessary guilt, as many of those steeped in their traditions may worry about you....at least....and even threaten you with "Hell" etc.

But you might find you wish to put your spiritual gears into neutral for a little while until you can re-assess where you are, so to speak. You as a Soul, have a perfect RIGHT to do this!
Maybe you wil need to be strong, as you might find difficulty now in relationships which were okay before. You might need more time alone, or to discover those who feel like you do....but do remain kind and gentle to those with whom you now may disagree, or whose energies are not resonating as yours now do.

Hold onto the principles behind the dogma and doctrine -those principles which truly vibrate in your Soul. And you will not go far wrong. The teachings of Compassion, for example, are beyond mere 'religion'. They are deep spiritual truths.

Yes I have also experienced a complete devastation of pre-held 'beliefs' and structures. In 1999. I have been reduced right down to the ground, to mere survival. That was all for the good, though traumatic when it was happening. And then what was true started to gradually bud, and then grow again. In a whole new way.
This may be a testing time. But I wish you blessings.

[Floatsy]

Originally Posted by Guard

I know many will say that I need to find my own way. But has anyone else experienced these kind of roller coaster of beliefs when leaving a long held faith in search of truth.

And lastly...for those that believe in something more. How are you sure there is...something more?

You can only know from experience. Beliefs change, and beliefs are subject to circumstances/social pressure/influence/stages of understanding etc. - only your own knowing for yourself (experientially) can answer that question in my opinion.

That you are brave enough to shed ideas and beliefs that no longer worked for you shows to me that you are interested in truth. And if it is Truth you seek, ask for this and you will be shown the way.

[MARDAV70]

Originally Posted by sky123

MARDAV70...You might enjoy this article....http://www.esolibris.com/articles/re...sciousness.php

Many, many thanks, sky123...! I much enjoyed the article. It resonates greatly with me, and much of what is said I've contemplated and reasoned as valid, if not exactly, certainly close to my thoughts. I'm still on the search wagon, and have lots to learn, so I've bookmarked the site.

I guess I should have explained my thoughts on "God". I don't like to use that term because of the baggage that comes with it...that's been instilled in most in the Christian world. That is, a creator God that's separate from us and so above us that we're to see ourselves as low, unworthy vagabonds that needs some kind of magic salvation. I see belief in such a God as an actual severance of consciousness from it's source.

Namaste, and thanks again...!

[sky]

Originally Posted by MARDAV70

Many, many thanks, sky123...! I much enjoyed the article. It resonates greatly with me, and much of what is said I've contemplated and reasoned as valid, if not exactly, certainly close to my thoughts. I'm still on the search wagon, and have lots to learn, so I've bookmarked the site.

I guess I should have explained my thoughts on "God". I don't like tokk use that term because of the baggage that comes with it...that's been instilled in most in the Christian world. That is, a creator God that's separate from us and so above us that we're to see ourselves as low, unworthy vagabonds that needs some kind of magic salvation. I see belief in such a God as an actual severance of consciousness from it's source.

Namaste, and thanks again...!

Your welcome, it helped me at a time I was feeling like you.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by Guard

And lastly...for those that believe in something more. How are you sure there is...something more?

Like any and all personal beliefs: I choose to believe, I make the choice, therefore I believe.

Different than experiential wisdom where one forms a depth-relationship with truth as revealed in the experience itself. I conducted an experiment a couple months back. I drew up a list of my beliefs versus my experiential wisdom truths. I have four essential tenets I hold as truth regarding material existence and the makeup of Spirt. Two are based on belief, and two on my direct experience. So not too shabby.

FYI, I dropped any and all "belief" in an omnipotent God and - very difficult for me - my belief in karma, for this very reason. I can prove neither, they are spiritual concepts and projections only and I just can't justify my continued belief in either, so I jettisoned them. Oh and hey, atheism is its own belief-religion so why go that route? Stay open to possibility at least and be agnostic. Better yet, just be what you are and don't put a label on it.

[Starman]

You may or may not want to keep your Christian beliefs; Christianity has lots of denominations and maybe another denomination would resonate more with you. There are Christian Gnostics that do meditation and believe in the “Christ Consciousness,” i.e. Jesus the man and Christ the divinity he acquired. A Gnostic bases their beliefs on their experiences. You can find out more about this by doing an online search.

I was a Christian once, raised in a Christian home, then became an agnostic, and now I am a believer; spiritual but not religious. Understand that you do not have to follow any religion to believe in God, an afterlife, or our spiritual heritage. It is common for a person to swing from one extreme to the other extreme before finding a happy medium.