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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #11  
Old 17-06-2017, 12:51 AM
MicroMacro MicroMacro is offline
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Quote:
=FairyCrystal

Anywho, to repeat my question: anyone managed to successfully let go of 'mummy issues'?

I did. We haven't spoken in years.

I realize that to some this is just unfathomable, but it is okay to ask yourself why you'd have a relationship with a relative when if that person were a stranger, you'd turn and run as fast as possible.

I think a lot of people have it in their minds that family sticks together - always. And that's just crazy. The responsibility for being happy and at peace - as much as possible - rests within each person. Sometimes that looks like picking the lesser of two unfortunate choices. For example, 1) you're not happy in a relationship with your mother, and 2) you're not happy having her out of your life. Neither looks good, but they're not equally 'bad'.

You have to pick one. But the one thing I think you can't do is try to get her to change.

It's not okay to say "this person or that person drives me nuts" when you chose to have a relationship with him or her. Some will say - "But she's my mother - I have to have a relationship with her."

No, you really don't. You're an adult now and all of your relationships are choices.

I'm not saying all this is applicable to you - I'm just putting it out there.

I suggest you either take her as is or walk away - permanently. She's not going to change at her age. Not unless she has a moment of deep insight and is motivated by something intensely personal. It could happen. But it won't happen due to something you say.
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  #12  
Old 17-06-2017, 02:16 AM
LibraIndigo LibraIndigo is offline
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npd

Quote:
Originally Posted by FairyCrystal
I hate to say it, but I got mummy issues
I keep bumping into issues and problems that have been caused by her. I've been trying to change this, by telling her I don't like the way she treats me, by talking to her, trying to get through to her. I even broke off communication altogether a few times because I saw no other solution. That's where I am right now too and I intend to keep it that way, at least for now. Being in touch with her only gives me stress and I've had enough stress in my life, I want peace.

Nevertheless, I am still dealing with all the issues. I've been claimed by her my entire life (something I didn't realize until a few months ago), she latches on to me and always has. She manipulates, victimizes herself when it suits her --> when she doesn't get her way. Tries to tell me how to run my life. Basically she simply tries to control me and my life.
It took me a long long time to see this clearly, it wasn't until I was about 37 when it first really started to dawn on me what was going on, and not until a few months ago to get the full extent in view (I am 51 now).
I can understand why she does this, but that still doesn't make it my problem, it's hers to sort out. Instead she's made me her buoy, even when I was a very young kid, and I can't be that anymore. Don't want to be that anymore either. It's not my job, and I got the right to be free.

All that has happened from early childhood onwards, has undermined my self-esteem, sense of self-worth, feeling worthy enough to have my own personal space, and so on and so forth.

Now I know many people have 'mummy issues'. I'm just wondering, has anyone successfully worked through them? If I sum it all up, it's so so much, I wouldn't even know where to begin.
Now I'm going to get therapy -I requested it-, not cos I'm a nutcase, but because I want to get rid of low self-esteem as I feel it interferes with my life too much and I'm fed up. So I don't see myself as a victim, I don't have mental problems, I'm an empowered female who wants to release the last pieces of baggage and needs/wants some help with that.
Just saying that so we have that one clear, lol.

Anywho, to repeat my question: anyone managed to successfully let go of 'mummy issues'?


Find a daughter’s of narcissistic mothers support group.
I think some of us choose dysfunctional families so that we can realize our connection with the universe. Maybe in past lives we had it too good and forgot about why we are here.
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  #13  
Old 17-06-2017, 09:07 AM
starnight1 starnight1 is offline
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Fairycrystal, u r a great healer yourself, u can heal the others, can u try to adapt the same method to yourself?
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  #14  
Old 17-06-2017, 09:10 AM
FairyCrystal FairyCrystal is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MicroMacro
I did. We haven't spoken in years.

I realize that to some this is just unfathomable, but it is okay to ask yourself why you'd have a relationship with a relative when if that person were a stranger, you'd turn and run as fast as possible.

I think a lot of people have it in their minds that family sticks together - always. And that's just crazy. The responsibility for being happy and at peace - as much as possible - rests within each person. Sometimes that looks like picking the lesser of two unfortunate choices. For example, 1) you're not happy in a relationship with your mother, and 2) you're not happy having her out of your life. Neither looks good, but they're not equally 'bad'.

You have to pick one. But the one thing I think you can't do is try to get her to change.

It's not okay to say "this person or that person drives me nuts" when you chose to have a relationship with him or her. Some will say - "But she's my mother - I have to have a relationship with her."

No, you really don't. You're an adult now and all of your relationships are choices.

I'm not saying all this is applicable to you - I'm just putting it out there.

I suggest you either take her as is or walk away - permanently. She's not going to change at her age. Not unless she has a moment of deep insight and is motivated by something intensely personal. It could happen. But it won't happen due to something you say.
I couldn't agree with you more! And no, I don't think it is unfathomable at all.
I think I'm just dealing with guilt still, even though I know all you say is true.
That is probably THE lesson for me with these things; learning to say "no" and standing up for myself. And above all: not feel bad about it when I do so. That's the one that trips me up each time. Not putting up with **** behaviour from other anymore, knowing and feeling that I too have the right to be treated with respect.
That is a big one for me. I have had this stuff going on with my mom all my life, at a young age being claimed cos she couldn't stand on her own two feet, then it escalating as I grew older. Been bullied for years on end. My ex was a narcissist. And since a year I'm having similar problems with my daughter as well.

Thinking about that it makes me wonder why I am surrounded by people who treat me like ****. And now I realize the answer is likely: because I still haven't learnt the lesson to stand up for myself, and thus allow them to treat me this way.
Pfff...
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  #15  
Old 17-06-2017, 09:13 AM
FairyCrystal FairyCrystal is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Samaka
Find a daughter’s of narcissistic mothers support group.
I think some of us choose dysfunctional families so that we can realize our connection with the universe. Maybe in past lives we had it too good and forgot about why we are here.
Interesting you say that... When I told someone about the things I've experienced with my mother, she said "Geezzzz, are you sure she's mentally okay because it doesn't sound like she is."
That hit me like a brick in the face. I'd never thought about that. Even though I have often thought that the way she treats me and makes me feel was very much like my ex, a narcissist. Sometimes it's real helpful to get other ppl's insights.
Thank you!
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  #16  
Old 17-06-2017, 09:17 AM
FairyCrystal FairyCrystal is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baile
There is a fine line between observing and acknowledging the hurt, and obsessing over it (not suggesting you're obsessing). If one has cut out the dysfunction from their life, then it no longer exists. It's gone. Finished. There is no more "clingy and manipulative" stuff going on.

But to cut out the dysfunction, and then continue to recreate it and bring it into reality by labeling it as such, is to prevent the possibility of healing it at some point. What is past, is past. And the past and what happened, doesn't exist on one very real level. But whenever it is brought up that this person was clingy and manipulative, they become all that again. The past is dragged forward into the present, and once again becomes the present reality.

Don't ever think you must resolve things with an abuser. You can get on with your life without them and be very happy. But there is no hope of ever resolving anything with them, if that's what you wish, if they are continually thought of as someone who abuses. Because they will always be an abuser then.

Maybe the most important thing to keep in mind: karma. This is the mother you chose. This is something you chose for yourself in spirit, before coming to earth. You asked for it. It's your lesson. One day we learn to say thank you even to those who were involved in our unhappier life lessons. I call it the Judas realization. Jesus wouldn't have been the savior hero if Judas hadn't played his karmic part as well. Poor Judas... helps save the world yet look what everyone says about him. Re-envisioning Judas and his role in this light... now we're talking true understanding, which naturally and easily leads to empathy.
For me it's not about restoring the relationship with my mother anymore, but about healing the wounds she has caused inside me.
And sure, things are in the past, but as long as those wounds haven't heal, it isn't.
And to be honest, it's only since I shifted from restoring relationship to healing myself not so long ago that I have come to realize just how much impact she has had on me. The wounds and damage are quite extensive. So until I've come to terms with that it isn't in the past.
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  #17  
Old 17-06-2017, 09:22 AM
FairyCrystal FairyCrystal is offline
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Originally Posted by starnight1
Fairycrystal, u r a great healer yourself, u can heal the others, can u try to adapt the same method to yourself?
Thank you Starnight! Really sweet of you to say, does me good!
I am indeed doing what I can, but I also realize I can't do it all on my own. This is too much and has been going on for too long. That's why I have asked for help. I know things sometimes can be healed faster with help from a good coach or therapist. Sometimes you just run around in circles whereas a fresh pair of eyes can come up with something you haven't even noticed yourself and propel you forward in healing.
That's what I'm hoping for.
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  #18  
Old 17-06-2017, 09:40 AM
Baile Baile is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,668
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FairyCrystal
Thinking about that it makes me wonder why I am surrounded by people who treat me like ****. And now I realize the answer is likely: because I still haven't learnt the lesson to stand up for myself, and thus allow them to treat me this way.
And... perhaps as well because you direct harsh judgment towards the people you are surrounded by. I read about your mother, and how horrible she is, and the horrible things she did. I read your comments about your narcissistic ex. And now you say your daughter is such and such, seemingly implying this is because of your ex. What I don't recall reading are self-reflective comments exploring how you've contributed to all this; taking responsibility for your actions and the part you played. Every bad relationship is made up of two people, each 50% responsible.

In your reply to me you wrote, "It is about healing the wounds she has caused inside me." That's it right there. Nobody can do anything to us. Nobody can hurt us. We however can empower people and allow them to hurt us, by feeling hurt. Feeling hurt allows us to blame others for our pain. And by shifting the blame to others, we don't have take any responsibility whatsoever for the unpleasant things that happen in our life.

And "standing up for myself" isn't really taking self-reflective responsibility. It's more just another way of making other people responsible... the idea that they did all this to you while you quietly sat back and did nothing. Standing up for yourself, from what I've read of your many posts, is the least of it. You are a very strong, opinionated individual. Strong to the point of "not a lot of flexibility" from what I can determine. It's that one-sided inflexibility I'd suggest might need some work and attention.
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  #19  
Old 17-06-2017, 09:56 PM
LibraIndigo LibraIndigo is offline
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Npd

http://narcissistmommy.blogspot.com/...-true.html?m=1
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  #20  
Old 17-06-2017, 10:23 PM
LibraIndigo LibraIndigo is offline
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Posts: 391
 
Npd

I am 100 per cent sure your mom has NPD.
There are different kinds of narcs...somatic, cerebral etc and narc mothers are a whole different thing. Just google daughters of narcisstic mothers.

Good for you for cutting her off. It's the only way.


http://narcissistmommy.blogspot.com/...-true.html?m=1
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