Humility, Apologies and Spirituality

[Perspective]

"An egoist will never get anywhere because he thinks he's already arrived."

When I am most prideful, is when I'm least spiritually connected. I've realized how interrelated humility and spiritual feelings are.
It's not exactly fun confronting my faults, especially when pointed out by others... Still, I realize nobody's perfect & often others see what I can't see. So, once my ego gets over confrontation, I'm usually grateful for the help. Also, apologies can make friends out of enemies - when both meet each other half way.

I believe we get along better when we apologize, once we realize we hurt someone, whether intentional or not. Nobody is all-knowing & we can't read each others' minds to know what might offend another... Yet knowing that someone is sorry for hurting me & will be careful not to again - even & especially when they didn't intend to, helps me believe in their true good intentions. It shows that they care what I think & feel, even if it's different from how they do. And how we get along or resonate with each other greatly affects our spiritual development.

When do you think it's good to apologize? - When you realize you hurt someone, or only when you intended to hurt them?
If you discover someone was hurt by your words or actions, but you didn't mean anything bad by it, should you still apologize?

All in all it really is best to just apologize if they want you to, most people expect you to if you hurt them, or feel like they are wronged in any way.

I wouldnt carry any guilt over it in my own mind though, i would just do it to please them and show love instead of fear. most people find it easier to forgive when an apology is given, and they really dont have much else to go on except this simple system of apologizing and forgiving, but at this point in time its what is working for them.

Originally Posted by Perspective

If you discover someone was hurt by your words or actions, but you didn't mean anything bad by it, should you still apologize?

Different situations require different responses. I don't apologize for my words or actions unless I'm aware I intentionally set out to make the other feel bad on some level, regardless of how right I was. That kind of authentic self-reflection and self-honesty is almost non-existent in our society. What passes for apologizing is mostly just shallow appeasement. Many if not most people apologize to simply smooth things over in the moment, and have no intention of dealing with the source issue: changing their behavior. Apologizing in so many ways is an entirely pointless and empty activity because, as I said, there's seldom any real self-reflection taking place.

[sound]

Originally Posted by Perspective

When do you think it's good to apologize? - When you realize you hurt someone, or only when you intended to hurt them?
If you discover someone was hurt by your words or actions, but you didn't mean anything bad by it, should you still apologize?

What a great question Perspective and one worth exploring … my list is purely for me and seeing it on paper will hopefully inspire me to self reflect with a little more depth, as bbr has already mentioned …

> If I accidently step on your toe or bump you etc I will apologize …

> I will apologize for any grief my words may cause before I disclose information which, although not pleasant, I deem will ultimately be beneficial for you, or I consider is your right to know …

> I may apologize for any discomfort caused by my need to disagree with you …

> I may sometimes apologize if I am unable to live up to your expectations … I find this one difficult to do without any sarcasm, even if it is just a touch lol

> I will apologize before saying no to a request that you may have of me ...

There are more i am sure ... it may read like i just spend my day apologizing lol quite the opposite actually ... i have been asked 'to apologize' in the past because i have 'failed' to (according to someone elses expectations) and have been accused of being non-caring so yeah, I just tried to think of all instances when i have, at some time or another, felt the need to apologize ... Now i will go and reflect on it lol

[athribiristan]

Originally Posted by Perspective

"An egoist will never get anywhere because he thinks he's already arrived."

When I am most prideful, is when I'm least spiritually connected. I've realized how interrelated humility and spiritual feelings are.
It's not exactly fun confronting my faults, especially when pointed out by others... Still, I realize nobody's perfect & often others see what I can't see. So, once my ego gets over confrontation, I'm usually grateful for the help. Also, apologies can make friends out of enemies - when both meet each other half way.

I believe we get along better when we apologize, once we realize we hurt someone, whether intentional or not. Nobody is all-knowing & we can't read each others' minds to know what might offend another... Yet knowing that someone is sorry for hurting me & will be careful not to again - even & especially when they didn't intend to, helps me believe in their true good intentions. It shows that they care what I think & feel, even if it's different from how they do. And how we get along or resonate with each other greatly affects our spiritual development.

When do you think it's good to apologize? - When you realize you hurt someone, or only when you intended to hurt them?
If you discover someone was hurt by your words or actions, but you didn't mean anything bad by it, should you still apologize?

I try my best never to say anything for which I would need to apologize. But in the event that I do cause pain to another, it depends on how I feel. Do I feel sorry? If so, I will apologize; if not then I won't. The one thing I definitely won't do is say I'm sorry if I'm not.

Perfect example of what I was saying in my previous post:

I just got back from the supermarket. As I was wheeling my grocery cart out the supermarket door, I saw a van waiting and blocking 3/4 of the pedestrian walkway leading from the store to the parking lot. I was able to just squeeze by the guy's front bumper, and when I got near his window, I said, "You mind moving? You're blocking the way and people can't get by with their carts." "Oh sorry..." he says. I get to my car, put the groceries in, and then head back to take the cart back. And there he still is, parked in the pedestrian crosswalk, and he hasn't moved an inch.

[Perspective]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful replies!

Konrad,
Good point - about not beating ourselves up for mistakes... but simply looking within to see what we might improve, apologize & move on.

bbr,
Yeah, I see what you mean. If & when apologizing, genuinity is important.
I'm sure different cultures have different ways of communicating. I've noticed a tendency of passive-aggressiveness. If person A tells person B how they were hurt, person B will say "Sorry" superficially & then try to make person A's life a living hell by gossiping all kinds of ** behind their back. Then "sorry" becomes meaningless.
Yet, when I've felt genuinely sorry, or when I've felt another was genuinely sorry, it's been really healing to the relationship!

Sound,
I can tell you've given this a lot of thought & I respect your courage in self-reflection!
I also respect your humility - I see it as strength! It's like you are ok, not threatened, that you're not perfect & that gives you strength to be better!
As you mentioned, you can't always be apologizing for breathing & living... but recognizing when it's right to & when there's no need to is important.
I think there are even times, when apologizing could hurt someone... Like, "Sorry I wasn't honest enough to tell you you looked ridiculous in that outfit!" lol

Athribistan,
You made a good point, which some might not agree, but it's true. We act for emotional reasons. Like when some claim, "I love unconditionally" I laugh inside because nobody does. We love with strings attached... based on how we feel. Even great people like Mother Terresa, who seemed to love without conditions, loved because she FELT the need to. If she had been sheltered & somehow never felt the need to, she wouldn't have loved as much. How effectively we love depends on understanding. Giving someone out in the African bush $100 American dollars probably won't help them much, at least immediately. Maybe the most effective way of showing love to them is providing clean water & farm animal.
So... apologizing in vain, without understanding & feeling, won't be true. We'll just keep doing whatever hurt the other person.
Distinguishing whether they are taking things too personally, or we're being too insensitive takes intuition & exploration.
If we discover they're being too sensitive, we could still show we care by acknowledging their feelings with compassion, also empowering them to handle their own problems. If we discover, we were being too insensitive, we'll empathize with the other & search to understand how they felt hurt by our actions. Then, we'll feel the need to apologize.

Originally Posted by Perspective

"An egoist will never get anywhere because he thinks he's already arrived."

>>

?

I don't want to derail the thread - but I would like to know where this quote comes from please?

[Perspective]

Originally Posted by Lunacie

I don't want to derail the thread - but I would like to know where this quote comes from please?

Hi Lunacie,
I apologize ...actually misquoted it a little, off of memory.
The actual quote is,
"An egotist will never get anywhere in this world because he thinks he's already there." - M.J. Ashton

Originally Posted by Perspective

Hi Lunacie,
I apologize ...actually misquoted it a little, off of memory.
The actual quote is,
"An egotist will never get anywhere in this world because he thinks he's already there." - M.J. Ashton

Thank you. I'll have to write that down. I was dealing with a troll in another forum earlier today and thought that sounded very appropriate. Apparently the troll has moved on or went home to Mrs. Troll, but I'm glad to have that at hand in case he returns.

This isn't the first thread I've seen in recent months about apologies and sincerity. I'm very happy to see people actually giving this some consideration. My ex apologized for the same thing over and over - until I finally told him that his apology meant nothing if he wasn't going to stop doing whatever it was (I don't even remember now).

I think we're sometimes too quick to say "no problem" when someone says "sorry" and the whole thing becomes meaningless and people get into very bad habits about making insincere apologies and accepting them with no assurance that the person is truly sorry.