I joined hoping I might meet some others that have had a similar experience. I've had two recurring dreams since I was old enough to retain my memories, so around three or four years old. I have to warn you, these dreams are a bit disturbing so if that might bother you I'd recommend sipping this post.
The dream I remember having first, took place in a very dark place. Someone is walking me down a long, dark hallway. They take me to a room on the right, put me inside and shut the door. I could see a little bit of light filtering from somewhere, I think it's from very small windows that are much closer to the ceiling than the floor, like, almost touching the ceiling completely. Maybe I was under ground? There's a woman waiting for me. She looks to be somewhere between 30 and 45, and she's wearing all black. She has her hair tied up in a very neat bun and has a strange hat on that doesn't look like anything from our current time period, but I'm struggling to tell just how much time has passed since then. I can feel a mounting anxiety - it's severe. I tell her I'm scared, and she informs me that she's scared too. I can automatically feel that they're going to put me in to the guillotine. I can also feel that she's /not/ going to die... only I am. I'm struggling to tell if she's actually scared or if she's actually secretly happy that I'm about to be executed. I get an odd feeling from her like I thought she cared about me but that I may have been wrong. As the door opens for them to come retrieve me, I wake up... each and every time. I don't have this dream as often as the next dream, but I've definitely had it multiple times.
The second dream, which I've also been having since a very young age... maybe around age five or so, is the more disturbing of the two. Usually in the dream I'm in a basement. There's strange tools hanging on the walls, and a table, maybe more than one? A woman lives with me, but she stays upstairs, I think. In the dream I'm almost always taking these bloody, severed body parts and doing /something/ with them. Am I getting ready to hide them? Am I going to eat them? Honestly, I have no clue. All I know is that I killed them, and that it was definitely more than one or two people. I feel like the woman upstairs lures people to the house for me. I'm not sure if it's because she wants to, or because I've threatened her in some way. While I've not ever witnessed the murders, I have a very distinct feeling that in the dream I'm an extremely disturbed, sadistic person. I think these victims suffered terribly. I think I was a serial killer.
I've had these recurring dreams since I was way too young to even understand what it was I was seeing. From a young age I had a very odd fascination with how the body works. I decided at age four that I'd be a surgeon when I grew up. Unfortunately that dream flew out the window when I got diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a genetic condition. (That's okay though, I'll just be a medical doctor instead of a surgeon!) Part of me wonders if my EDS is something karmic, and another part thinks I just happened to lose the genetic lottery. I'm really not sure what to think about that.
I was watching Criminal Minds a few months back, and there was an episode where the antagonist of that episode was kidnapping people and putting them in guillotines to execute them. The moment that blade fell I had an instant panic attack and became flooded with what felt like intensely bad memories. It's really hard to even type this. I didn't actually remember anything, but I was panicking because it felt like an intense case of deja vu.
This has all been bothering me rather badly over the last few months, and while I feel I hurt a lot of innocent people before... right now I'm most definitely not a violent person. These dreams are so exhausting and I just wish I could figure out just who I was and why I did these things, if these dreams are memories. I want to know but at the same time I'm so afraid of what I'll find. I can't afford a past life regression therapist and I'm completely unsure of how to make these dreams and strange anxieties stop. Has anyone had a similar experience?
Thanks for taking the time to read this ridiculously long post!