Marriage

Oh boy, thinking waay back, I was married in the 60's and it was the thing to do, I was the OLDEST of my friends and I was 23, back then kids didn't move to their own apts like today.....plus my family home was so stressful with a drinking dad....

Married one time and so shock and disappointed when it ended, another woman got involved, I was NEVER going to marry ever again. Once was enough and 1 child has been just fine.

Children are wonderful BUT added mountains of stress to our lives...my opinion on all this..

[RedEmbers]

Hey Royal :)
I'd do it for money... haha just joking... and perpetuating another stereotype while I'm at it hehe.

Monetary issues was actually originally the reason why my partner and I haven't tied the knot... we could barely afford rent let alone be concerned with marriage lol
also we were only 17 when we got together and while he has always been very much ready to commit and settle down with me... I on the other hand was the product of a pretty unhappy marriage and had an awful lot to move past.

Almost 9 years later now ... and we just kind of never got around to it even though we have the money now lol... we no doubt will get married at some point though... maybe when we are both in a nursing home lol.. I don't think getting married would really change much for us now... its been so long and pretty much everyone sees us as married anyway.

BUT...
I can see how much a little ceremony (to just cement it) would mean alot to the families (his in particular... weddings to his family are an outward celebration of love and the bringing families together... I think that is truly wonderful.
but
weddings to my family I feel are a bit more a point of reserved concern... alot of people in my family have not had the happiest marriages and alot of the women have in a sense sacrificed their unfair portion of aspirations... due to the cultural, generational and religious expectations women at the time.

I don't like the old ideals of marriage where women are basically seen as walking wombs... lol even on modern dating shows now days it seems that the only aspirations the women contestants are portrayed as having are the typical wife and mother scenario. .. and they are always favoured over their cooking abilities and their willingness to drop everything for the man.
So I think in that way I find it difficult to see a modern day relevance...

I myself am.going through a process of defining what modern marriage even means to me... and am admittedly feeling quite lost and flooded with... 1950's ideals of marriage STILL present in 2014!

I am not really answering your question lol... rather just opening up some questions for myself to address.

[girlsearching]

I have plenty of time to think about marriage, and I kinda of always wanted to have a spiritual union, and not necessarily be legally tied down, no relationship is perfect and in other cultures some people have arranged marriages. Marriage is just beneficial to some it's not for Love, but status. I guess that also has it's advantages but I couldn't marry anyone if I was made to.

[lostchild88]

Hey there. I never believed in marriage till I got older and met someone who changed my perspective on it. Me and my boy friend aren't religious but we grew up going to Catholic Church. We live together If it was up to us we would live together forever without the "marriage title" but for family purposes and for our future kids we want to do it the old way. I think whatever works for you you both should be fine. I don't think living together without a piece of paper makes it any different. Its still work like any other relationship.
Some people make it more than it is. I think people should just go with the flow if you get married and it doesn't work out then so be it. I'm sure there will be lessons learned. If you get married and you get through it then good for you.
I don't think living with someone or being married is for everyone.

I see I see. My so and I had a little talk about this yesterday and it helped me to explore my feelings a bit more.

I think the awesome but somewhat uncomfortable thing about people today and life today is that we get to create our own meaning and value of things, including marriage. It's not really about the olden days anymore. At least to me it isn't. Because I don't fit into the mold of what is expected, I don't really know what marriage is for and my SO and I haven't really talked that far, only have gotten so far as engagement. I do know that I love my partner. But I'd still love him even if we werent ever married. That being said, I'm growing and I no longer refer to him as my "bf" because I feel like we've gone past that and went past that long ago. My love for him is growing and we are becoming more connected. I want to experience growth not just on the emotional and spiritual level, but on all levels. I don't think marriage has to be an expensive thing either. Lavish weddings and receptions, maybe. But not marriage. I think what I'd like is the concreteness of the experience. The concept of also making it physical and not just a spiritual thing. I don't think it means two people can't change and grow and evolve. But I think a lot of people say that it's just a piece of paper, but they avoid the experience like the plague which makes me think that there's some level of fear and discomfort towards it. Maybe it's the old ideals they run from. Because if it's just a piece of paper, then people wouldn't avoid entering into it. But we can create our own story using that piece of paper. Maybe I'll use the next year or two to get comfortable with the concept and figure out what it means for me in my own life.

Originally Posted by Colorful-Chameleon

Hey Royal :)
I'd do it for money... haha just joking... and perpetuating another stereotype while I'm at it hehe.

Monetary issues was actually originally the reason why my partner and I haven't tied the knot... we could barely afford rent let alone be concerned with marriage lol
also we were only 17 when we got together and while he has always been very much ready to commit and settle down with me... I on the other hand was the product of a pretty unhappy marriage and had an awful lot to move past.

Almost 9 years later now ... and we just kind of never got around to it even though we have the money now lol... we no doubt will get married at some point though... maybe when we are both in a nursing home lol.. I don't think getting married would really change much for us now... its been so long and pretty much everyone sees us as married anyway.

BUT...
I can see how much a little ceremony (to just cement it) would mean alot to the families (his in particular... weddings to his family are an outward celebration of love and the bringing families together... I think that is truly wonderful.
but
weddings to my family I feel are a bit more a point of reserved concern... alot of people in my family have not had the happiest marriages and alot of the women have in a sense sacrificed their unfair portion of aspirations... due to the cultural, generational and religious expectations women at the time.

I don't like the old ideals of marriage where women are basically seen as walking wombs... lol even on modern dating shows now days it seems that the only aspirations the women contestants are portrayed as having are the typical wife and mother scenario. .. and they are always favoured over their cooking abilities and their willingness to drop everything for the man.
So I think in that way I find it difficult to see a modern day relevance...

I myself am.going through a process of defining what modern marriage even means to me... and am admittedly feeling quite lost and flooded with... 1950's ideals of marriage STILL present in 2014!

I am not really answering your question lol... rather just opening up some questions for myself to address.

[Heaven]

I used to believe in marriage years ago and not anymore. If I ever divorce my husband, I'm done with marriage.

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'm gonna take a bit of a hiatus from this topic as I feel like I've done enough research.

[RedEmbers]

Hehe...

Sometimes I think that (for me) marriage simply means making a commitment to a life long friendship because first and fore most... my partner and I are best friends.

But your right, in westernised cultures it is quite difficult to define what marriage even really means these days.

If I asked my partners mother though... I am sure she would say that to her it is about making a deeper and more anchored commitment to love, friendship and... well... plain old persistence.

Probably the freedom we have now days is being able to bring a greater level of (personalised) spirituality into the mix... which a positive thing.

I personally would like to feel like (if I was getting married) it is really important for me to feel that both parties are balanced and whole in self and are able to bring that same balance into the marriage.
Culture and lifestyles have changed alot over the last 6 or so decades... for some reason the way that marriage is still represented hasn't quite moved along with the times.

but ultimately, as confusing as it all is... I am glad that now days we have the freedom to define these things for ourselves... hey, in my mother's day I would already have been expected to be married off (to someone the church deemed fit) and prob would have popped a few kids out by now...
Enough of my rambles!

[fennel]

I hope you don't mind my adding my two cent's worth.

I am a lesbian. I have been with my partner for over fifteen years. I agree with you that terms like "bf, gf, partner" don't really do justice to the length and depth of our involvement.

When we'd been together for two years, we had a public faux wedding, invited all our friends and family. I live in a state where gay marriage is not recognized. It was our way of trying to convey the depth of our commitment to each other.

Three years ago, our state passed a domestic partners bill that allowed us to become more legally entwined, so we immediately jumped aboard and paid the $ and signed the documents to get more "legal". This is about basic stuff, like being able to be at the other's bedside during a hospital crisis, being able to convey property to the other, etc.

Two months ago, there was a one week window of possibility of legal marriage for us before the supreme court justice here put a "stay" on it. During that week, we moved heaven and earth to become legally married. I imagine that as of this moment, we are not "officially" married because of the stay...but, I can tell you that when the justice declared us married, we both wept. It felt completely different.

I'm a romantic, but to me, it's about saying that you are truly invested in this other person...it says that you're not going to pack your bags and leave if the going gets rough- and the going will get rough, occasionally. It's about being as intertwined, emotionally and legally, as you can get with the person you love.

So, it's not just a piece of paper...but, you know that.

Good luck with your period of introspection.

[fennel]

P.S.
I just wanted to add that this doesn't have to be a huge "wedding" ceremony thingy. It can be small and private.