Dealing with ex partner/father of children

[SaraTherase]

I try so hard to get along with and be respectful, civil and pleasant towards the father of my children whom my two children are currently living with. He is very negative and hateful towards me and does not let my children have their birthday presents from me even though we have a court order that states that I am able to send them gifts etc, he is so difficult to deal with and I don't want to take him back to court again because it puts stress upon him, his partner and myself but I just feel like no matter how much I pray or think positively that him being horrible will never end. Any insight or advice would be appreciated, thanks.

[5thDimension]

I'm sorry for your situation. As a man who has been through three divorces, two involving children, I have a little understanding of what it's like!

Sadly, we men are generally very childish and driven by our animal instincts when it comes to relationships. I didn't grow up until I was almost 60! Our lower instincts see our woman as our possession and if she 'betrays' us, we feel very violent emotions (not that we should believe them, much less act on them). We have the choice to become lost in these emotions as a way of dealing with our anger and heartbreak or we can choose to rise above them and do what's best for the family.

So, understand that your ex is in the grip of very strong animal emotions (sorry animals, I do you an injustice) and wants to punish you as much as possible. At his stage of development, he simply can't handle it...

I also have to add that you chose him as a partner and are now paying the price, so you have to accept some of the responsibility! I'm not saying you do it, but it's very common for women to rubbish their exes and I always think, 'Well, you were stupid enough to choose him and live with him!".

None of this is a solution. Perhaps you could pick a moment to tell him you are sorry and let him think that you accept most of the blame and that you want to try and have a pleasant relationship with him because you want him and the children to be happy. After all, he just wants to be right and for you to be wrong. But keep your dignity and strength and don't let him take advantage of you...

Good fortune.

[SaraTherase]

Thank you for your perspective. I understand what your saying, take care.

[Emmalevine]

Sara, I'm very sorry for your pain. I think I can relate. I also have a very difficult ex partner and my son lives with him due to my ill health. My ex is very manipulative and emotionally abusive, turning up with our son for his arranged visits only when he feels like it and not when he doesn't. My son is also disabled so my ex unfortunately has all control over us both. We haven't got a court order as yet but I'm having to apply for one. I don't have any answers but I do know what it's like as I've had years of agony having been messed around by my ex when I've only wanted a short phone call a week with my son and regular consistent access. It breaks my heart that these men use their children as weapons because it harms the children.

I like what 5thdimension says about retaining dignity. I've had to try to rise above my ex's comments even when they hurt me terribly and not communicate with him at his own level. I have faith that I'm doing the best I can for myself and my son and that's what matters and will pull me through. My son will never be able to seek me out for himself...hopefully your children will do. Maybe keep letters/presents that you wanted to send and your children will know they are loved. I;m thankful my ex can't poison my son's mind due to his condition...I really hope your children will realize the truth about you. Hang in there and trust in the bigger picture if you can. I know it's hard.

[SaraTherase]

Thank you so much for thoughtful reply, I'm sorry to hear about you and your sons health and that your going through a similar situation as me. I hope things get brighter and better for you as I hope they will for me, stay strong and don't lose faith.