TF Crises stage. "I'm unsure about you"

[embroideryfloraltea]

4 months ago my former partner (TF) said this to me ("I'm unsure about you") and although I am healing slowly, Im struggling to make a decision on whether or not to potentially continue any relationship with him. Whether he realizes it or not he has self-esteem issues and has always felt unsure of himself measuring up to me.

Not long after he told me this I suggested we break up because why would I stay with someone who is unsure of me. Granted, he has a right to feel whatever he does and I can't change that. He didn't want to breakup so I compromised and we have been on a break since. We are due to finally have a big talk about it all in the upcoming month.

One of my hugest gripes about this is his behavior in our communication. We communicate maybe 2x a month since then. I have distanced myself and have been detaching myself from him ie: deleted photos from my phone and messages and such because that is how Im healing. In the midst of our break 2 events occured. My birthday and our 2 year anniversary. He contacted me on my birthday and it was a kind gesture that I accepted. When our anniversary rolled around I sent him a short but heartfelt message and he replied with a lackluster one sentence. When I questioned him, he said our anniversary doesnt count because we're on a break. Additionally, I started attending classes for a certificate programme and told him about it a couple of months ago. He has sent me messages during our time of communication where hevcomplains about me not ever telling him whats happening with the programme (or generally letting him in on my day and life). And has made comments about if he doesnt reach our then I wont. Of course, I won't why would I?

More recently, he sent me a message saying he was worried about me because I didn't return some phone calls and texts he sent. I messaged him telling him I was fine. He then sent me another message saying something that I honestly think was passive aggressive but he said it was meant to be endearing and cutesy. I told him that being endearing doesn't work the same way anymore.

Honestly, I don't know what to do. Any insight?

Originally Posted by embroideryfloraltea

4 months ago my former partner (TF) said this to me ("I'm unsure about you") and although I am healing slowly, Im struggling to make a decision on whether or not to potentially continue any relationship with him. Whether he realizes it or not he has self-esteem issues and has always felt unsure of himself measuring up to me.

Not long after he told me this I suggested we break up because why would I stay with someone who is unsure of me. Granted, he has a right to feel whatever he does and I can't change that. He didn't want to breakup so I compromised and we have been on a break since. We are due to finally have a big talk about it all in the upcoming month.

One of my hugest gripes about this is his behavior in our communication. We communicate maybe 2x a month since then. I have distanced myself and have been detaching myself from him ie: deleted photos from my phone and messages and such because that is how Im healing. In the midst of our break 2 events occured. My birthday and our 2 year anniversary. He contacted me on my birthday and it was a kind gesture that I accepted. When our anniversary rolled around I sent him a short but heartfelt message and he replied with a lackluster one sentence. When I questioned him, he said our anniversary doesnt count because we're on a break. Additionally, I started attending classes for a certificate programme and told him about it a couple of months ago. He has sent me messages during our time of communication where hevcomplains about me not ever telling him whats happening with the programme (or generally letting him in on my day and life). And has made comments about if he doesnt reach our then I wont. Of course, I won't why would I?

More recently, he sent me a message saying he was worried about me because I didn't return some phone calls and texts he sent. I messaged him telling him I was fine. He then sent me another message saying something that I honestly think was passive aggressive but he said it was meant to be endearing and cutesy. I told him that being endearing doesn't work the same way anymore.

Honestly, I don't know what to do. Any insight?

Really? Just be patient for now...or move on to new pastures. It truly isn't worth waiting around for people. Was/is he aware of your believing him to be your twin flame? Like, has one of you told the other and accepted the "role". From what you say it doesn't sound much like twin-flaming. There doesn't seem a lot of togetherness and communication is sparse. As I read TF stuff on the web one general thread through all the so-called theories is that it's a (spiritual) marriage across eternity. It doesn't sound to have the makings of that.

As to your ultimate paragraph I think it's normal for a basically caring person to be concerned for someone's welfare. He still has an attachment to you - again, natural - you probably shared a few things together. Neither of you can erase memories. YOU still have attachments to him or you'd tell him in no uncertain terms to buzz off.

Hence there's still a need to work things out. No one can ever be entirely sure of another. No one can own the hearts and minds or emotions of another person. It would be saintly indeed for a couple to feel 100% confident in each other. And the way you describe the break up does prompt a thought that you could be part of his being unsure... Then again, perhaps he's hedging his bets and is more likely unsure of what he really wants in a "partner".

Hope you manage to sort it out soon. Life's too short.

[embroideryfloraltea]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Really? Just be patient for now...or move on to new pastures. It truly isn't worth waiting around for people. Was/is he aware of your believing him to be your twin flame? Like, has one of you told the other and accepted the "role". From what you say it doesn't sound much like twin-flaming. There doesn't seem a lot of togetherness and communication is sparse. As I read TF stuff on the web one general thread through all the so-called theories is that it's a (spiritual) marriage across eternity. It doesn't sound to have the makings of that.

As to your ultimate paragraph I think it's normal for a basically caring person to be concerned for someone's welfare. He still has an attachment to you - again, natural - you probably shared a few things together. Neither of you can erase memories. YOU still have attachments to him or you'd tell him in no uncertain terms to buzz off.

Hence there's still a need to work things out. No one can ever be entirely sure of another. No one can own the hearts and minds or emotions of another person. It would be saintly indeed for a couple to feel 100% confident in each other. And the way you describe the break up does prompt a thought that you could be part of his being unsure... Then again, perhaps he's hedging his bets and is more likely unsure of what he really wants in a "partner".

Hope you manage to sort it out soon. Life's too short.

What do you mean by this?

Also, we called each other soulmates but it wasn't until I started reading twin flame stuff that it felt more on the head to describe us. We were very together at first. There literally felt like there was an invisible magnet pushing us together. He felt familiar, we read each others minds and felt each others feelings, I felt safe. Then he became a lazy partner and started taking me for granted. The magnet was and still is there though. I feel like Im ripping a part of myself away from me.

Originally Posted by embroideryfloraltea

What do you mean by this?

There must have been some reason for him to say it. It could be something about you but then again could be something about him - i.e. is he sure about himself concerning you?

Also, we called each other soulmates but it wasn't until I started reading twin flame stuff that it felt more on the head to describe us. We were very together at first. There literally felt like there was an invisible magnet pushing us together. He felt familiar, we read each others minds and felt each others feelings, I felt safe. Then he became a lazy partner and started taking me for granted. The magnet was and still is there though. I feel like Im ripping a part of myself away from me.

Hoping you'll excuse me being practical for a moment, it's always the way early on in a relationship that (if it works at all) it works fine. People are on their best behaviour during early dates. Why not? They want to be pleasing to the other person. But it could be just a veneer and when it wears thin you get a more realistic view of how someone is towards you.

I recognise those signs for sure - I won't be taken for granted which is shades different from being predictable (which I'm not always I admit) and reliable (which I am). It's part of the ground rules people work out in relationships. Taking someone for granted can slowly lead to controlling if one isn't careful.

Just my views.

He could be your twin flame but I still believe twin flames are extremely rare. Did you tell him your thoughts about this?
Realistically you have two choices: be patient and see how things pan out - or let it go and move on. For me, hanging around to see whether a guy thinks I'm ok for him is not my cup of tea no matter how attracted I might believe myself to be to him. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

[FairyCrystal]

Basically you're putting yourself on hold for a man who doesn't want you. Matthew Hussey did a great clip on this, woman who thought she was in a relationship -women tend to think this when it isn't so- just cos there's a connection, chemistry. But you also need commitment from TWO people who work on the relationship and the future of it. Often the man isn't working on it, he's a builder that's gone awol and occasionally checks in to see how you're doing with your work on the relationship.
That's basically what I see is happening to you.

Also, why don't you reach out first if he said he'd appreciate that? It's all one-sided, he has to do that or there's no contact and no effort from your end? Then again, weird he expects that when he feels he's single.
You still feel you're in a relationship while you're not and he clearly said so --> there is no anniversary when we're on a break. Meaning: no relationship. Yet he expects to be let in on your life?
So he gives you nothing, no relationship, barely any contact, yet you keep waiting and thinking you're in a relationship?
In the meantime he's probably test-driving other women to try and find a great match.

No matter what, I think you best make up your own mind and make a decision even if it hurts. Much better and less painful than giving him all the power to decide what is going to happen to you and your life. Also, as long as this lasts you're likely getting emotionally damaged by the constant rejection, but you keep that intact yourself by not making a decision. Take back control and power over yourself. Tell him to sort himself out, no contact, and move on with your life. If it's meant to be it'll work out regardless.
But in all honesty... you're wasting your time now. And the one who does want to be with you is missing out on this time with you, and so are you.

[embroideryfloraltea]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

Basically you're putting yourself on hold for a man who doesn't want you. Matthew Hussey did a great clip on this, woman who thought she was in a relationship -women tend to think this when it isn't so- just cos there's a connection, chemistry. But you also need commitment from TWO people who work on the relationship and the future of it. Often the man isn't working on it, he's a builder that's gone awol and occasionally checks in to see how you're doing with your work on the relationship.
That's basically what I see is happening to you.

Also, why don't you reach out first if he said he'd appreciate that? It's all one-sided, he has to do that or there's no contact and no effort from your end? Then again, weird he expects that when he feels he's single.
You still feel you're in a relationship while you're not and he clearly said so --> there is no anniversary when we're on a break. Meaning: no relationship. Yet he expects to be let in on your life?
So he gives you nothing, no relationship, barely any contact, yet you keep waiting and thinking you're in a relationship?
In the meantime he's probably test-driving other women to try and find a great match.

No matter what, I think you best make up your own mind and make a decision even if it hurts. Much better and less painful than giving him all the power to decide what is going to happen to you and your life. Also, as long as this lasts you're likely getting emotionally damaged by the constant rejection, but you keep that intact yourself by not making a decision. Take back control and power over yourself. Tell him to sort himself out, no contact, and move on with your life. If it's meant to be it'll work out regardless.
But in all honesty... you're wasting your time now. And the one who does want to be with you is missing out on this time with you, and so are you.

I have been doing so much thinking these past few months and I'm getting more and more ready to be by myself for a little while. I dont even know when or if our talk will happen, I just know that I am going to choose me! Im so stressed and drained from this situation that I can't even imagine reconciling with this person. At least not now if ever.

I won't reach out because it feels foolish to reach out to someone who told me that basically I'm a maybe. I wont subject myself to that type of humiliation. I already am humilated in the first place but to basically still chit chat and reach out would be abnormal given the situation in my opinion and Im still not sure why orvhow he would think it would or should have been a normal thing for me to do after he said that. So, yes it is one-sided for the first time ever and maybe my lack of communication with him shows him JUST how much I used to do it and now he wants that. But no, I'm not to be used.

Im am far too hurt and need to revover. I will never put myself on hold for anyone ever again. I never knew what it was like, I now know better and I can now do better for myself. It hurts but since I've been slowly detaching from him its not a huge blow. I've been allowing my human experience of emotion to flood over me when necessary and surprisingly it has resulted in tears only 4 times over the past few months. I'm learning to handle my emotions better and it feels good. I wonder what else I will become better at over time.

[FairyCrystal]

Don't beat yourself up over it, most women fall for this thing at least once in their life, many more often than that. It always sux especially because deep down you know something isn't right and you should take action and don't.
But yeah, I guess part of the learning curve to get inner strength and healthy self-esteem.
I've also been there, that's why it affects me when I see another make the same mistake, knowing how it hurts and how much it cost and what a waste it is of time and energy.

And seriously, no matter how strong you may feel about this guy, don't wait for him to initiate a talk. Like you say, it might never even happen. Are you going to wait for that and waste more precious time? Just decide, let him know, heal and move on.
Sever ties and no contact as that only keeps it active in your life and vibration and you will still hold on to the tiniest sliver of hope.

Very difficult, I know, been there too. But you know, what they say that time is precious and you never get it back is SO true!!
I am 53 now and if I look at the years I've wasted on men that weren't truly interested nor committed only because I lacked the strength to end it...
I could have had 12 years more with the man who does love me and want to be with me. That's 12 years I will never get back. And actually, including time to heal from those 'relationships', it's closer to 16 years!
Go figure. 16 years of my life... Not entirely wasted, I learnt from it, but in all honesty I could've done that a helluva lot faster is I hadn't been afraid to lose the man I never had to begin with...
Think about that and begin valuing yourself AND your time.

[embroideryfloraltea]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

Don't beat yourself up over it, most women fall for this thing at least once in their life, many more often than that. It always sux especially because deep down you know something isn't right and you should take action and don't.
But yeah, I guess part of the learning curve to get inner strength and healthy self-esteem.
I've also been there, that's why it affects me when I see another make the same mistake, knowing how it hurts and how much it cost and what a waste it is of time and energy.

And seriously, no matter how strong you may feel about this guy, don't wait for him to initiate a talk. Like you say, it might never even happen. Are you going to wait for that and waste more precious time? Just decide, let him know, heal and move on.
Sever ties and no contact as that only keeps it active in your life and vibration and you will still hold on to the tiniest sliver of hope.

Very difficult, I know, been there too. But you know, what they say that time is precious and you never get it back is SO true!!
I am 53 now and if I look at the years I've wasted on men that weren't truly interested nor committed only because I lacked the strength to end it...
I could have had 12 years more with the man who does love me and want to be with me. That's 12 years I will never get back. And actually, including time to heal from those 'relationships', it's closer to 16 years!
Go figure. 16 years of my life... Not entirely wasted, I learnt from it, but in all honesty I could've done that a helluva lot faster is I hadn't been afraid to lose the man I never had to begin with...
Think about that and begin valuing yourself AND your time.

I have come to a decision to be alone for a short while. I need to gather my strength and confidence back. This morning I burned letters he wrote me and threw away all the books he gave me. I never read them anyway. I have a few more things to gather up ans irs all getting tossed in the bin once I find everything.

I actually deleted the app we used to message one another and feel so free and less anxiety already. He can only contact me by email now. Soon it will be over. I am ready. It hurts , its very hard but I have to do what is best for me. Its been 2 years. The first year was great. 2nd year sucked. I learned.

Seems you've done the right thing - banish what you can of him from your life, open your arms to welcome a new day, let new sunlight in. As you say, you are free!

All good wishes to you.

[Gabryel]

It seems to me, that this wasn't a true twin flame relationship. Just a deep connection. Twin flames don't act this way.. There are differences.