Please help me to understand who I am and my guidance
Hi, thank you for reading my thread. Sharing even a part of my struggles is extremely hard for me, this post indeed took a lot of courage. I will be happy to read and carefully consider your honest opinions, advices or thoughts about my wild life. Please donít hesitate to share, I really need help figuring things about myself out, in life I have nobody besides myself to ask. I will try share enough information, apologizing for my post being too long and for my broken English.
In my childhood I was very empathetic, kind, extremely sensitive, artistic, spiritual and overloaded with energy of love and light. Helping living creatures had always been a part of my nature and the greatest joy in life. At early age I had very strong healing powers, my grandfather was partially bold for couple of years, at 4 I randomly started massaging his head everyday, very soon his hair grew back. For some unknown reasons, I felt incredibly powerful of mental energy within, I mistakenly translated it as physical and was offering adults to carry objects much heavier than my weight. Bravery was also a part of me, as a child I feared absolutely nothing, I dreamed about being sucked by black hole just to see thatís inside. At the same age, I also saw a silhouette or a shadow of little angel at night, it entered my through open window, made few circles around my room and used window second time to exit. I also had strong sense of own special purpose, an idea that I am here to make a difference, even without knowing why. In my own head I was always questioning everything from spiritual and philosophical points and discovered a connected to a strange source of knowledges. Last year I took Philosophy 1 college course and was shocked to realize I am not only carefully thought about majority of topics before age of 11, I also figured out almost exactly the same explanations and criticisms. Sometimes I was scared of some of my thoughts, they were inconsistent with who I am. I felt darkness hiding somewhere inside and tried to be as good as possible to keep it down. I had very high empathy and sensitivity levels, but overall I was a happy, positive child with great ambitions, huge source of spiritual energy and with heart full of love to everyone.
Unfortunately I had no chances to grow up mentally healthy. I was loved but raised in very unhealthy environment, repeatedly traumatized by my own family, other kids and even older adult. My family never provided me with any protection, I took a lot before my mental health finally started to break at age of 11. Last year mental well-being and first on the road of constant traumas. I donít feel sorry for myself. If you do, keep in mind that you really donít have to. I think itís worth saying that at 11 I already fully realized my purpose, potential and gifts, my dark side also got stronger. I felt intellectually superior and absolute limitless in my potential. Adults were often amused by my intelligence and philosophical views, assuming I read a lot. I never really did, the source of knowledges had always been in my head. History fascinated me, I saw that nobody else seemed the see in my class: the world is made out of patterns and circles, future of civilizations can mostly be predicted by using the past example.
I am 18 years old now and have no confidence left. Despite my age I feel a thousand years old, exhausted and totally worn out. Last 7 years of my life were filled with intense repeated traumas, Iíve been in few different forms of hell and back. If I will go to hell after my death, I wonít even struggle much, this life gave me good preparation indeed. :) Please donít consider it an exaggeration, I am just a magnet for disasters. My mental health was severely damaged, now everyday consists of hard work just for basic survival. I was have to skip 2 years of middle school due to being unable to lift my body from the bed and stay around people. Iíve seen numerous mental health professionals which ended up traumatizing me even more, sadly medications never made any difference for me. I was able to graduate on time with honors, continued my education and manage to keep up high grades. I also learned to forgive, appreciate and learn from my past. Last 7 years I was mostly isolated in my own room, finding escape in philosophical conversations within myself and self-medicating, growing in many different directions and doing art. I havenít had any friends after the age of 11, no matter how hard I try to make them, it feels like there is a gap between between us. I am still able to successfully provide my service and help to anybody who needs it.
Despite struggles, I think I have no right to complain how hard my life is. The universe had gifted me by numerous desirable character traits, abilities, and talents. I still feel the world is being open and waiting for me, I am free to choose any field and will success regardless of my choice. Without trying to be the best, I easily understand, learn, enjoy and become good in everything I do, doesnít matter if itís painting, cooking or solving quadratic equations. The pain had purified me, I usually donít feel any negativity towards other humans beings. It helped me to become a better person in my actions, thoughts and united with every human regardless of our differences. Universe also gave me good luck and many chances to escape death. I almost died while being born, had dangerously poor health as a child, made many suicide attempts which required physical treatment and had long history of extreme self-injury. I find it hard to understand how I made it up to this point so far, but I had chosen not take my own life. My mother is also an old soul, sometimes I think she is the only one who could handle my teenage years. I am incredibly lucky with her. So, the point is I understood how thankful I should be for everything, every single thing I have in my life. Even if everyday is a struggle, I squeezed the tastiest lemonade out of my lemons. Please understand, I am not trying to show off in any way. I struggle to accept any of my gifts, however not doing shows unappreciation. I have to be thankful refuse from self-sabotaging.
My mental health is poor, despite numerous efforts. Just so you know, I donít struggle with hallucinations, mania or delusions, there is a line between spirituality and my disorders. I was able to significantly improve my conditions, but itís still very far away from an ďokayĒ point. I know my life is a war, I have to fight till the last day. I feel extremely exhausted, but higher purpose simply doesnít allow me to leave without completing my mission first. Just to add, I strongly believe in reincarnation and feel I somehow had chosen this life for myself... My disorders block a lot of inner light and energy. I can barely see my huge potential, but I have to self-actuaries in order to help large group of people. Itís not even my choice, I just know I have. This feeling became the main reason why I keep going, perhaps I donít value my life that much but the universe does. Iíve been given too many evidences to support this statement.
Recently, I received a call from guidance to accept my higher purpose, gifts, and an order to stop thinking how much easier my life could be with better mental health. If I wonít and return to self-destructive behaviors, my purpose will somehow be given to another person. It seems like the universe is angry and tired from giving me so many chances to survive. I am very insecure, but the guidance is trying to convince how significant my life and purpose are, how big of a difference I am capable of making. Itís not something I feel pride for, I just know as a fact I have a mission regardless of my desire. More than that, I think I am receiving the guidance on how to star and steps I need to take. Unfortunately, nothing is easy, I face two major issues.
I know I wonít live long, somehow this realization came around 11. My time is running out, although I donít intend or plan on taking any actions to shorten my life in any way. Every little step takes so much energy and efforts, not sure if I have any for self-actualizing left. I donít know where to find the additional energy. I practice yoga, meditations, healthy eating and many more things, but the energy I get is barely enough to stay functional. Where can I find more energy and power to complete my mission? I donít understand why I feel like time is running out, how should I look at this feeling? I have long term educational goal, but the guidance tell me I simply wonít have enough time even to complete it. It asks to give any attempts to build my personal happiness and focus on actualization. I am also being warned, ounce the mission will be over I wonít even have time left to enjoy my impact or any other benefits. I will be taken almost right after, without making any personal contributions to leaving the earth. Is it common for lightworkers? Those thought donít scare me, they come surprisingly naturally. If needed I will be glad to self-actualize and leave, but I am not sure if I have enough energy. Unfortunately the universe values my personal happiness, comfort and well-being much less then possible impact on the world. Guidance shows that I was required to go through hell in the past, but now itís over and my time had come. Guidance warns me to stop any kind of attempts to achieve financial wealthiness, give up my desire to fit in to make friends and stop waisting my time on romantic relationships. Those things used to be my goals, I am very confused. Itís hard to accept that I am here not for my own happiness and I need to value it less. Can I trust these knowledges? I am afraid to loose my guidance but too scared to trust it. Over the last half of the year, I questioned my purpose a lot and kept asking to show why I am here. It sounds funny, but I promise to universe that If my life truly has a purpose, I will complete it. I donít know if I can trust it, but somehow I just know that to do and how to start even without thinking. Guidance also asks me not to be afraid of my future, if I will accept my purpose there will be no more tortures, but I will have less than 12 years.
There is something else about me. I feel very strong source of light energy within, but also as powerful source of darkness. Starting from my late childhood, I felt them tearing me apart from the the inside. My guidance shows me the way of light and I chose to follow it, but coexistence of darkness scares me. Sometimes I see blind people and I feel like if I would have more energy, I could concentrate my light in my hands and return their eyesight by touch. However, I think I could do the same with concentrating my darkness in order to harm. My dark side never influences my behaviors, helping others is my main priority and it will never take it away. Unfortunately, it finds itís way out on me. I try to be as nice as I can to everybody, but very often I become my own torturer without even realization. I havenít had this awareness in my past and it led me to self-destructive behaviors which had almost taken my life away. Only few years after I finally realize how close I was to death. After I chosen live over death, it moved to unconscious level and keeps finding new ways to destroy me, suggesting innocent looking actions which like will lead to new disaster. I am scared it will find a way to get me before I complete my mission. While my light is getting brighter, itís also getting stronger, darker and more out of control. Guidance shows how much light I am capable of giving , but the darkness is also capable of horrible destruction, maybe even close to Holocaust. Of course it wonít happen, but I feel itís capability. I previously had noticed, often enough people who hurt my feelings became ill or something bad happens right after. Who am I? Why do I feel this incredible light coexisting with powerful darkness? Do I have good or evil nature? I know I have to chose a side and keep balancing it out, but itís only minimizing the destruction. I donít have any dark thoughts directed to anybody else, I do my best to protect myself but itís still slowly killing me. The way I barely realize that Iíve done and partially keep doing to myself is terrifying, guidance helps me to finally see it. How can prevent the darkness from blocking my vision? If I am a lightworker, why do I feel this beast inside? Can I consider myself a good person for my prosocial actions despite my darkness? Do you have any ideas why I was given this duality? Ironically, I also was born on March 19, a border for Pisces and Aries signs. Duality reflects in almost any part of my life.
Thank you very much if you finished reading it, please help me to understand who I am. I hope I didnít made anybody worry. If I did, please donít, I think I am right where I should be and doing great despite any struggles. My mindset is open and positive. I am also asking for forgiveness if I awakened any other negative feelings. I wish you the best, good luck following your way!