Picking up the pieces.

[kailz]

How do you pick up the pieces. Maybe not pick them up I feel like I have them... putting them all together so they fit and make sense is another thing I’m finding it hard.

Almost a year ago I left my life behind. I had an alcohol addiction, a toxic 10 year codependent relationship (he was also and alcoholic)

Something In Me just switch and after 5 years over struggling with my addiction and I was able to over come it. With that in mind knowing my ex was also struggling with his addiction and was not willing so get help I left and took my boys with me.

We moved started a new life, new school, I even found myself in a. New relationship.

Now I’m here almost a year later struggling to be happy with everything I’ve made for myself. Struggle to trust my boyfriend. (I’m behind to realize it a reflection of things that I fighting within myself that I’m putting on him)

I should be happy but I’ve managed to let my anxiety and negative thoughts of the future and self doubt clowd my veil of what should be my success.

I’ve very deep and rent to go with in myself like a turtle for protection. Not letting the people I love in and not only hurting myself but them as well.

I know there is more inside then this. I’m an empath and feel so deep I just want to I guess make sense of this all and out the past behind me and find my inner peace. Love myself. Getting clean bring my inner child so close to me but I’m strong to grasp my emotions and make my light clear again

[Raziel]

Sounds almost like PTSD.

What I mean by that is you have fought many battles in your own personal war & you have won. That's a HUGE achievement so don't under appreciate that fact.

Overcoming an addiction & a bad relationship WOW!.

When a warrior comes home from war he is a different person, the things he has seen & done are beyond normal & I don't see you as any different.

The warrior will jump at loud noises, perhaps feel uncomfortable in crowds etc etc as they have learned to be battle ready at a moments notice - your essentially the same.

You have learned not to let your guard down, to be ready to jump into defence mode.

Others will say different but I would call this your armour (hence me being a knight) - your armour is for protection & that is totally justified.

Your in full battle gear everyday but now it is perhaps unnecessary - you can't unlearn the things you have done, you may one day require them.

You are essentially a master now, a captain of the guard - you have your medals i.e everything good that has come to you since, but I'd imagine you are one or both of these things:

1# always on alert
2#bored

Number 1 is potentially about you realising that you have the skill set to look after yourself now but it can't be used for every problem. You wouldn't wear battle gear to bake or go swimming & there is no reason why metaphorically speaking you need to be as on alert & suspicious in all situations.

Number 2 is that you have dedicated ALOT of time to winning your war - perhaps so much time & effort was put into it that now it's won your lost as to what to do now?

You slayed the dragon & lived happily ever after ... nobody really thinks about that part though - after!

Perhaps focus this energy on something like learning to drive or learning to speak a new language with a holiday at the end of it as a reward.

Something people find quite cheesy but it is worthwhile is to pass on what you have learned.

Perhaps volunteer somewhere where people need your help - become a Samaritan or get involved with the schools.

A great one is helping out at an animal shelter!

Your a hero - but a scarred one - keep that positive energy going not by "thinking happy thoughts" or "meditating" but by actual tangible things happening as a result of you the hero out there in the world.

Fight a new battle, conquer more monsters because believe it or not your one of the few people who actually has & can.