True self?

[ArrJay]

What I'm trying to say in a roundabout way is please look after your mental health. In the pursuit of spiritual development, sometimes it's very easy to loose sight of your health. If you don't have a lot of support please be careful before you go into the "void".

[guthrio]

Originally Posted by TonySG

Hi
I have been on my journey for quite a number of years but this year, in particular, I have been experiencing some major breakthroughs.

All of my life I have struggled with terrible anxiety and just put up with it. This year it has reduced a lot. I also suffer from low self-esteem and have spent most of my life alone. I just didn't feel I was very good at relationships.

Recently I have been having some breakthroughs during deep meditations. Last week I discovered and come close to my feelings of unworthiness for the first time in my life. I knew I had low self-worth because of how my life looked but I had never really felt it so deeply in this way, from here I had the realization that all of my fears (anxiety) were a manifestation of my lack of self-worth. It just clicked and made absolute sense.

Now yesterday, it went even deeper. I sensed a deep dark void in me. It is complete emptiness. Which has been with me my whole life, I also felt that this void contains alot of depression and sadness. Although I have never really suffered depression, I feel I have likely suppressed it. I was brought up with the mindset of 'grin and bare it'. But it is still there. Lurking in this emptiness.

My whole life, I have felt different. Like I didn't belong. Like others were different to me but it is all starting to make sense now. I always felt I was lacking in some way but was never able to realize what it was.

My question is what happens to this void? Does it need to be filled with love? Does it need to be integrated and accepted?

I am afraid to go down into it, as I feel I will fall into a deep dark depression. I have never been able to make myself vulnerable and have always kept myself guarded. I think the time is coming for me to drop this guard. I practice self-love and gratitude exercises every day. I believe I have developed the courage and the strength to do this now. I sense there is a part of me that wants to come back. A part of me I have never known. This is the first time I have even acknowledged this aspect of me.

Any advice would be great. Thanks :)

TonySG,

A fellow SF member asked a similar question as yours, which I answered with the reference, below. I regret that the internet page from which I quoted, is no longer available, but....

I hope this helps you, too.

Reference: http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/sh...1&postcount=26

[TonySG]

Originally Posted by ArrJay

Hi. I just wonder what your relationship with your mother was like when you were young and what her mental state was then? You probably don't remember because a child blocks out the first five years in the large part.

The reason I ask is because I know my own mother suffered from post-natal depression and when your mother is in such a state during those most important days of your early childhood, she is naturally preoccupied with her own state of mind and trying to deal with it - because of the illness, she can't easily fill you with the goodness required to assist your journey through life and there is a void that's left as you grow until people (ideally the mother) fill your life with positive emotion and love. Post natal depression is an absolute scourge and there are untold millions of people battling with it and affected by it.

How do I know all this? Well it's a long, long story for some other time in these forums. Anyway, as a result I too have the void inside me and it does take courage to face it, with no certainty around how or whether you can or will come out the other side.

If you don't a solid support base and love from other people, it may be it's better to accept the void rather than trying to find a way through it, unless you feel you have the strength you need.

Whatever you choose to do I feel for you and I hope you will be OK, you can continue to grow as a person, your life gets better and better and when you move into the great beyond like all of us must, you move on to even better things.

The relationship with my mother has been the most challenging relationship of my life. My father wasn't a great husband/father growing up and caused my mother a lot of emotional pain and sadness. I have considered the possibility that I somehow contracted her emotional state as I was very close to her while growing up. My mother emotionally 'triggers' me so much that I know there is unresolved stuff there. But I have made huge leaps in this relationship and it is something I am working on to improve.

Thanks for all the posts and support. I found tham all very helpful :) Bless you all!

Originally Posted by TonySG

The relationship with my mother has been the most challenging relationship of my life. My father wasn't a great husband/father growing up and caused my mother a lot of emotional pain and sadness. I have considered the possibility that I somehow contracted her emotional state as I was very close to her while growing up. My mother emotionally 'triggers' me so much that I know there is unresolved stuff there. But I have made huge leaps in this relationship and it is something I am working on to improve.

Thanks for all the posts and support. I found tham all very helpful :) Bless you all!

There's actually a huge, massive understanding here about our Spirituality that few seem to completely ignore. Personally I think it's a shame because the irony is that it's actually the most relevant of any realisation we could come to. Trying to find Spiritual answers to this simply doesn't work, but when you redefine your Spirituality it all makes sense.


Genetically it's possible/likely that you've 'somehow contracted' your mother's state, and also bear in mind that you could have, as a child, learned it from your mother as a behaviour. Forget Spirituality because really, in this situation it'll only serve to confuse and confound. Deal with yourself first and foremost and put your attention into improving yourself, and when you yourself improves everything around you will begin to turn around - including your relationships. Your relationship with your mother is - at the moment - a relationship with your past and your own perceptions of it.



The good news is that there's a light at the end of this tunnel like you wouldn't believe, but you have to keep your head straight every step of the way. You see Tony, this can be true Enlightenment, true Spirituality.

[hallow]

Originally Posted by Shantyaikya

I am going through something similar to you. I've found that the depression comes from my own egocentrism. I am always pulling love in wherever I can get it and never letting it out. It becomes so heavy it hurts. Love needs to move. I would recommend to start letting the love out. Radiate it and let it go where it needs to go. I've found much relief from doing so.

I very much agree! I feel everything around you Acts like a mirror. It can be very hard at times. When you notice feeling depressed try like crazy to dig deeper in your soul and pull that light out of you. It's in there, you just have to grab it.