How Do You Parent a Dark Entity?

Originally Posted by Uma

This is now a year later and he's behaving 100% better - got it all out of his system. Now he keeps asking me if I need help, if I'm okay...totally swung the other way LOL. Now my daughter (17) is a walking hurricane, just as unpredictable. So it's a stage and like hurricanes this too shall pass.

Uma- well done for getting through with your son, how lovely he's now offering to help -perhaps u can ask him to help with ms hurricane & befriend her. It is indeed a horrible phase, seen it with all my nieces/nephews who r now perfect adults, mine r young so bracing myself with dread for those teenage yrs & intend to call on my nieces to help when that time comes. U r nearly there, another yr and the storm will have passed, hang in there. Warm wishes x

[Lightspirit]

To OP

I dont have any sensible advice because I have no children that age to gain experience from. Possibly you could try sprinkling holy water on him and see if something comes out.



sorry just trying to make you grin.

[Ravens_Light]

Originally Posted by Uma

This is now a year later and he's behaving 100% better - got it all out of his system. Now he keeps asking me if I need help, if I'm okay...totally swung the other way LOL. Now my daughter (17) is a walking hurricane, just as unpredictable. So it's a stage and like hurricanes this too shall pass.

This is wonderful, Uma... (Sorry I'd not looked at the OP date!).. So glad to read that all is well..

Originally Posted by Uma

Wow! Just checked in... No he hasn't physically hit me. I meant that in a metaphorical way. His disrespect is all verbal - although it's pretty bad. His dad died the beginning of this year and it's been especially tough on him and he's been venting on me for a LOOOOONG time.

I'll have a look at the books. Thanks everyone for the advice.

I can honestly say I have done everything I could to parent him with love and very consciously and carefully so it would never come to this...which is why I'm flabergasted.......and convinced it's him, nature not nurture. I have to stop blaming myself. I would never have believed it without having gone through it. And it's my karma....a lesson of endurance I guess.

no kids.
but 1am surprised that the 2 of you in such a time of remorse cannot console and
help each other, i would make this point to him in a subtle way.

Obviously you understand how it must be for him to lose his dad, and how difficult it MIGHT be for him to understand how it affects you ... 19 yr olds arent taught family values now as they were before the counter-culture rebellion.

Verbal abuse is psychological abuse, by law it constitutes assualt
try to talk to him about abuse in general [psysical/emotional/sexual/verbal/etc] and how important proper behavior is ... especially in times of need, keeping one's cool. The story about the spy who saves the girl
he puts his hand over her mouth, lest she make a noise and they both die ... express how important keeping cool is in times of danger/stress/tragedy
He need sto understand in a [not direct way] how it affects you without you seeming selfish [tricky but you can do it]

I highly recommend against police ... this will cause life-long resentment
he will become a damaged soul permaneltly.
Counciling is best and if you can do it yourself this will be better than involving strangers, but complete honesty and good communication skills will be essential.
Never use profanity, or show frustration, from what I see you will have to be the example till he ''gets it'' then there is an emense benefit in it for you as well.

Its a tough time
in chinese the word crisis means opertunity
this is your oppertunity to set the template of behavioral skills
it will come baxk to you no matter how you employ it.

You need to understand his feelings for his dad
try to milk that out of him.
Dont ever be fake
Honesty will get you far, but do it right.


EDIT
didnt read the whole thread
apparently all is well now.

Legit concern and empathy does wonders

[athribiristan]

I am a father of four. We had a similar situation develop between my wife and our oldest when she was around 16 or 17. It slowly got worse until she was about 19 when she went to live with her grandma for a year. She is back now and everyone is getting along very well. Sometimes we just need a break. We get so caught up in our situation that we lose perspective.

Another thing, especially with a 19 year old. I tell all of my kids that if they don't like the way things work in MY house they are welcome to leave at any time. I'll help them pack. The fact is that you have the job, you pay the rent, you buy the food, you provide all of his basic needs. If he can't be made to respect you, just stop doing it for him. Pull the plug. Its a tough stand to take with your child, but at some point he has to be made to see that he can't have it both ways. He can't be a kid AND an adult.

It is likely that he is resentful because he feels he should be able to provide for himself. He wants to be treated like an adult but he still behaves like a child. He thinks that because he is 19, that makes him an adult. Somehow you have to make him see that being an adult is about taking responsibility for yourself and has nothing to do with how old you are. I've met 40 old men who act just like your 19 year old. They are still acting like kids and expecting to be treated as adults. And they still get very angry when you treat the like the children they are.

[Kaere]

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