The Inner Conundrum

[Shivani Devi]

Blessed Be.

Over the past week or so, I have been going into the basics and causes why I am like I am and not necessarily why I am that I am.

It first started with a failed attempt at jounalling and my psychologist asking me to write about how I felt...which opened up a whole can of worms (because I simply could not).

Basically, I cannot help but intellectualise and rationalise all my emotions, leading me to the state of total depersonalisation, where I am not able to feel any whatsoever...but my sympathetic nervous system can...oh yes...with full vengeance!

Online surfing about it has lead me to two articles:

http://childhoodtraumarecovery.com/2...ldhood-trauma/

...and these quotes stood out:

People who employ this defence mechanism, then, prefer to ‘live in their heads’, finding participating overly in the harsh and unforgiving reality of the outside world somewhat distasteful and, therefore, best, as far as feasible, avoided.

As a result, such persons’ sympathetic nervous systems can become ‘stuck’ in a permanent and highly debilitating state of overarousal (I, myself, suffered from this for many years – it can be quite agonising).

Alongside this tormenting state of hyperarousal can often exist an unrelenting and merciless sense of profound dread (even though one is often unable to pinpoint why this should be so.

...and a full kundalini awakening didn't fix this, if anything, it just made things a hundred times worse.

I could go on and on about how every word of this relates to my present condition.

I have also tried EFT and EMDR without much success.

Here is another:
http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Q%26A:_Wh..._feelin gs%3F

However, for me to 'feel feelings' means that I need to identify what a 'feeling' is anyway (outside my own head) and that's pretty difficult when depersonalisation has led to having absolutely no 'self concept'...which is amazingly awesome in the whole spiritual sense, but terrible when it comes to relating to the external world.

This is not to say that I cannot feel emotion altogether, but something massive must happen for me to be able to feel it...like losing my children (grief) and like having a divine experience (love)...but day to day emotions are just 'not there' by comparison and I pretty much have reconciled my past, in that all the trauma I experienced as a child, I let it all out AS a child...and yet, subconsciously, this still plays havoc with my body.

I really don't have any answers for this and so, I put it out there and thank you.

[Scommstech]

An interesting post.
I think that we get like we are because we follow a path that seem correct for us. Few of us have what I'd describe as knowledgeable teachers. Most get inspiration from other's books or those who profess to have inner knowledge.
I've noticed amongst spiritual healers that many have their own medical problems. and though they profess to be healers and some times they can, they are not in my opinion completely in control.
This leads me to think that many who get involved with "spiritual paths " are not prepared or have the full confidence or understanding to walk in the path of truth, as Jesus did.
I have spent many years trying to understand the science behind healing. Quantum physics has provided fantastic insights as to how matter, energy human cells interact, yet I can't seem to put it all together and make it work.
I know all the answers are out there and that there are no such thing as miracles.
May be its a case of "When in Rome do as the Romans do" that is to stop trying to be special and for us to just accept our limitations.

[Shivani Devi]

Thank you for your reply, however in this case, it's just a little more complex than that.

Again though, I am reminded by that quote from Jesus:

"If you bring forth what is within you, what is within shall save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what is within will destroy you".

Many also get involved with "spiritual paths" and have the full confidence or understanding, but lock it all away, or just rest within that understanding... trying to carry out the droll existence before the awakening, in total spite OF it *whistles*.

Then, of course...half of the people out there will say "you're not a special little snowflake" and half the people out there will say "you are a very special soul" and so it's up to the individual to decide whether they are "special" or not.

Just like how many tell me that I shouldn't want or need to be appreciated or loved because that shows weakness of spirit, and all I can do is turn around and say "why not? aren't I deserving of it?" and watch them run a mile.

My problem is that I'm way too intelligent for my own good and after a lifetime of 'cutting through all the superficial bee ess to get to the truth', that's something I don't see changing in the near future.

[Realm Ki]

Dear Shivani,

I am trying to grasp what you are living with. It really is very difficult...

But what I can identify with is - words bringing my emotions to my head, making them intellectual, observed instead of felt. (Not exactly what you wrote, i know).

I used to write a lot, stories. But when I needed to heal - I could no longer use words, it was a language that was lost to me in a sense. It brought everything out onto a 'doctors table'.

So I had 'visual therapy' - using images and drawing to relate to emotions and situations.

i know there is music therapy, theater therapy etc.

That is one path to explore for you, if you can relate. At first of course I didn't think it worked, but only three times in - I connected, and a lot of interesting things followed.

Another though I had, was that - well, I'll just tell you the thought without rephrasing; use it as you want. I thought hanging out with trees might help.

Difficult to describe since I don't know if you live in a cottages in the middle of nowhere and speak to trees daily - or if you think tree-huggers are crazy people, right? But 'speaking' to trees, does not require words; hanging out with a tree - hugging it, or climbing up and lying comfortably in it's arms, or leaning against its trunk etc - will for some people bring the trees stories; what has happened around it in its life time. I love old trees... And for some people just sitting in the tree energy field will heal you, the tree life force moving water constantly up through the trunk and out in the branches is a soothing, continual process - very forgiving, non-judgemental - that can allow for small beginnings of feelings. And courage to allow them to rest there, in you.

And actually, I wonder... Do you want to feel?

Do you want to feel some things?

Are there other things you prefer stay as is?

Do you think it will be impossible for you to feel?

If and when you are ready to ask the Divine for direction on this matter, I am sure you will get one. And I can imagine it being a small simple everyday situation - where you feel. A place where you can start.

(That's how I saw you by that tree, that's what that tree was. Buy I don't know if trees will be for you what they are to me. Surely, the Divine and your Higher Self will know :))

I wish you a lot of light on you journey! /Mi

[Realm Ki]

Oh and I forgot part of the sentence regarding trees; their stories, they tell them with such ... acceptance. Even the sad stories are told without 'catastrophe' - it is told with love and acceptance. That is of course why they can help us connect with our own stories emotionally; they show us a way to be connected that is 'liveable'.

Wize beings, trees.

[Melahin]

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

I pretty much have reconciled my past, in that all the trauma I experienced as a child, I let it all out AS a child...and yet, subconsciously, this still plays havoc with my body.

If your body tells you a different story than your head, then maybe time is to listen to the body and not the head; while the head might be able to escape the trauma that still lives in the body, the body is not so fortunate. One of the things that moved me forward was learning about how emotions can get stuck in the body, and releasing them gets your energy to flow more freely... thus you get more room in your body to exist in what you call the external world.

For the Kundalini. If it is released, then there is only one path to calm it, and that is to surrender into its energy. It simply put awakens your True Nature (which might or might not be a snake). This then puts everything into a greater focus, so if you resist it, everything gets worse. Yet when you surrender to yourself, everything comes into balance

[Mr Interesting]

I'm with Realm Ki on this one Shivani Devi... we gotta be grounded in this world.

Yup, I'm way intelligent too, passed the Mensa test years ago, couldn't figure whether I was really stupid or really clever and it was somewhat clever to even take the test as compared to a clinical IQ test, hundreds, it was only fifteeen bucks!

Lucky me though as I started in on meditation over thirty years ago, taught to me by my Dad who then proceeded to go nuts... well super depressed, obsessive compulsive, all kinds of stuff that they'd now put down to PTSD... which they still haven't really got a handle on, so in that regard... I knew where not to go.

fast forward many years, big failures and losses, which incidentally were quite fun (can't keep a good man down) and I'm doing art and downloadin' ideas, fully formed sculptures, being guided, the whole nine yards... but wait, this is tiring, I'm grateful and all that but NO, you spirit... whatever, you do some work too, only give me really good ideas.

Like we can go skywards, future stuff yup, it's all there but theres a kind of settling just down into being alive on this planet how it is, settling and spreading the big calm.

[Shivani Devi]

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I'm still digesting them all as to how I can personally use/incorporate the advice therein into a personal healing regimen.

Since typing all that up, I've had a few revelations.

The first came to me as I was looking up stuff online and came across Dr. Lissa Rankin. I made a post in the Buddhist forum about it yesterday...so rather than explain what I found and how it all relates to this, I'll just drop that whole post here:

http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/sh...6&postcount=90

I need to rely on my awakening or the enlightened state more, full stop.

This was brought home today, with the understanding that I although I need to be 'grounded' in the 3D world, adapting to my 5D light body must come first and I'm waiting for the next ascension download and upgrade in regards...and it has been a long time coming. lol

http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/sh...&postcount=294

Meanwhile, I just need to 'surrender to my 5D nature' as Melahin suggested and realise that the actions of the 3D world bear no relevance to me whatsoever now, so I shouldn't keep trying to unsuccessfully attach myself to them...and yet, I also need the grounding for my physical body only because I cannot take this with me.

So constantly reminding myself that I'm not in 3D anymore, so what 3D beings do or not do should have no relevance or make no impact on me...they are just like pictures on a TV screen to me...and that's helping a lot.

[django]

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

Blessed Be.


...and a full kundalini awakening didn't fix this, if anything, it just made things a hundred times worse...

How has it made things a hundred times worse?

I think you had a lot of hope for kundalini being the answer, is it still doing its thing, do you think it still could help in the end, or has something drastically changed?

[django]

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

...This was brought home today, with the understanding that I although I need to be 'grounded' in the 3D world, adapting to my 5D light body must come first and I'm waiting for the next ascension download and upgrade in regards...and it has been a long time coming. lol

http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/sh...&postcount=294

Meanwhile, I just need to 'surrender to my 5D nature' as Melahin suggested and realise that the actions of the 3D world bear no relevance to me whatsoever now, so I shouldn't keep trying to unsuccessfully attach myself to them...and yet, I also need the grounding for my physical body only because I cannot take this with me.

So constantly reminding myself that I'm not in 3D anymore, so what 3D beings do or not do should have no relevance or make no impact on me...they are just like pictures on a TV screen to me...and that's helping a lot.

I don't understand what 5D is meant to be, it sounds new-ageish to me, you have a distinct light body? How was that created or realised or whatever?