urgent advice needed for after date communication

Dreamer_love · #1 09-02-2018, 06:43 PM

Hello everyone,

I need feedback for how to proceed after my first date with a girl I met at my work. We met on my last day of work, which was coincidentely her first and we had a very nice connection so I asked her number.

We chatted a bit for a week and had our first date today. We talked about empathic communication, social work, our future amibitions and also our families while eating lunch. Two hours passed very quickly.

Funny that both of us didn't actually know how our food tasted. Also that her uncle and aunty coincidently came to sit next to us, they where saying hello for a while and we didn't even notice them ;).

So after the date I messaged her the following (and kind've screwed up by sending it in three parts *face palm*).

Me: Hee X, I think we're not easily finished talking with eachother. Meet again quickly?

Her: I agree completely :). Im going to have a nice weekend. Thank you so much!

Me: Glad to know that I could contribute to your nice weekend.

I feel warm... I don't know if it because of the carrot cake, the small room I am sitting in or us talking :P.

Her: I hope all three :).

I like her a lot and don't want to mess it up with her by coming on too strong but really want to see her again somewhere next week, maybe watch a movie and take things further.

Also I have a ''fling'' thing going on with another woman at the moment, as a recriprocal way of meeting sexual needs.. It doesn't feel right to continue it with the fling when I feel this way about her..

How should I respond from here.. please coach me!

slash112 · #2 09-02-2018, 07:44 PM

Follow your feelings. Always follow your feelings.

If it was me in your shoes, I would actually tell the person I'm having a fling with, that I've fallen head over heels for someone. I've actually done this before. In my case, she was very understanding, as she knew what we had was mostly physical. The person I fell head over heels for, we never actually went far in the end. But I simply couldn't be physical with anyone other than the person I was in love with.

And as for the one you really like, that is awesome you can connect with her so well! Continue to connect. It is good that you are self-aware enough to say that you don't want to come on too strong. Sometimes we can have hints of desperation in our intentions, and it can shine through into your actions without you even noticing, and pretty much nobody likes to receive it. Just watch out for desperation within yourself, and when you notice it, just tame it. Chill out. Your actions will reflect this chill.

Dreamer_love · #3 09-02-2018, 08:36 PM

I appreciate your feedback Slash112, it helps me to center myself and find my footing.

Usually I am much more cool around woman.. because I am reserved and don't match with most woman because of my idealism, very strong ambitions and high demands.

I don't think there is desperation or neediness. I am happy to be by myself and to focus on my work and persuing an MBA..I enjoy dating other woman as friends and am active in different communities to fullfill my need for connection.. I really like her though and feel attracted to her and we match good, therefore I am afraid and somewhat shy to continue... it's not that I have the time in the coming days to see her again..but I want to let her know she is on my mind.

slash112 · #4 09-02-2018, 08:52 PM

It sounds like you've got a great attitude, and to be honest I'm not worried for you!

I can understand being shy to continue. What helps me in these situations is to stop thoughts about the future. I could think about a million different possible futures and I wouldn't know which one is correct, so why waste my energy. All it does is bring me down.

Instead, I just embrace the now. What am I thankful for right this moment in time? I have made a connection with an awesome person. The forces of the universe are holding my atoms together. I Am.

If I embrace the now, I simply cannot be afraid to continue, because "continue" suggests the next moment from now. The next moment from now does not matter, you'll get to that moment when you get there. Some would say that the only thing that even exists is Now. From a lot of different perspectives, that can be said to be true. So why worry about next? Next doesn't exist!

I hope I'm making sense :P

#5 09-02-2018, 08:58 PM

You mean you didn't fix another date at the time... woe is you!! An opportunity lost.

slash112 · #6 09-02-2018, 09:21 PM

Oh I wouldn't worry about that! Everything has its time and its purpose.

OEN34 · #7 10-02-2018, 08:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

You mean you didn't fix another date at the time... woe is you!! An opportunity lost.

Exactly!

Rookie

Before you leave you go for the assumptive closing technique, everyone knows this!

In all seriousness, just relax. You've had one date with her, you don't know her. Sometimes we think there's this amazing connection on a first date - which there definitely can be - but we often see it from our perspective, not theirs. We almost think for them.

It did make me chuckle when you put on the end of your text ''Meet up quickly''. Relax and what will be, will be.

Don't suffocate her, though. I noticed she didn't say an awful lot in her replies, but there could be reasons for that.

She could be busy, that could be the way she communicates, or she's freaked out and being polite with you

Go steady, my man. Go steady.

#8 10-02-2018, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OEN34

In all seriousness, just relax. You've had one date with her, you don't know her. Sometimes we think there's this amazing connection on a first date - which there definitely can be - but we often see it from our perspective, not theirs. We almost think for them.

Everyone behaves themselves and agrees with what the other likes on the first date, surely.

Quote:

Go steady, my man. Go steady.

Yup and that's what it's really about: going steady! So...go steady man, to assure going steady.

OEN34 · #9 10-02-2018, 12:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Everyone behaves themselves and agrees with what the other likes on the first date, surely.

Ha, yes, the old 'role playing'...

''Oh, you're into paper craft, too? We have so much in common! Tell about the best thing you've made out of paper and I'll tell you mine!

Dreamer_love · #10 10-02-2018, 11:00 PM

Well turns out, things have gotten complex. I feel frustrated/angry and betrayed now because my need for honesty hasn't been met.

Here is the background story. In the last three weeks of my job, at a refugee center, I met two new female co-workers. One single and the other in an unhappy relationship (C.) I had strong chemistry with both girls and I think that C. actually might've had a crush on me. I've experienced some heavy incidents with both of them (like stabbings) In the incidents and turbulance I was present both emotionally and physically in pulling the team through as a leader.

Despite C’s looks, our casual flirts and mutual attraction I didn’t invest in her because she has a boyfriend. On the last day I met(N.), her friend. N. and I had something special so we dated eachother.

Now it turns out that these three girls have been close friends for years and do activities as a group. C. told another co-worker to tell me about the girl I dated (N.) that she is lesbian and not interested in men.

This situation has made me upset and confused for several reasons. First of all I think it might have to do with C’s jealousy and her saboting her friend… if she can’t have me then no-one can. Worse even would be that I misread TRILIONS of signs and dated this new girl while she has no interested in man :/. I don’t get it.. what is up with that and If she is not interested in man, why didn’t she bother to tell me this and keep me on a leash?

I feel led on and venting here helps! :).