Please help... losing all hope... life just doesn't make sense... (chronic illness)

[ChildOfSummer]

Hello beautiful people. Thankyou for clicking on and reading this post.

I don't know where to turn or what to do anymore. I'm 28 years old, and 4 years ago I became ill with my second "chronic illness" of my 20s. The first started a year earlier. (1st: stomach ulcers from h pylori, 2nd: labelled as chronic adrenal fatigue - a host of bizarre symptoms from awful blood sugar levels to extreme fatigue, weight gain, hair loss, accelerated aging, sleep problems, muscle weakness, joint pain, weak immune system and more)

I have considered suicide so many times. I have always been "spiritual", but I have little faith anymore. I don't see how my karma was to sit and rot away in a house all through my youth. I'm watching life pass me by. Yes, people are dying or have worse diseases or die as babies, but I can't call this living, and I just don't understand why this has happened to me. I have always been such a vivacious soul, and all I ever wanted to do was see the world. I want to devote my life entirely to helping people. I want to make a positive difference. Meanwhile, my peers can drink and drug their way through their 20s with not a care in the world, getting good jobs, moving out on their own (I'm forced to live with my parent and can't work a real job)... and they don't even want to help others. Yet they live on, healthy and happy. I don't see how this is living out my highest purpose. I am no good to the world sitting in a house feeling awful all the time, so I really can't see how this is leading me to the path I KNOW I was born for. I really feel like some wires got crossed in the cosmic realm n I was forced into a life that just wasn't meant for me.

Forgive me, I'm emotional, I'm crying as I type this. I NEED to get better. I cannot be one of those people who never does. I would honestly rather die, and I'll probably make sure that happens if I don't. But I desperately, deeply, painfully, want to live. I want to live my dreams and what I feel I was truly put here to do.

I've tried many approaches to healing and I'm slowly giving up hope. I want to be one of those people who has so much faith that they can meditate their illness away, or have some near death divine intervention, but I just continue to slowly fade away, losing hope, losing faith, dreams and friends, bit by bit.

Please help me, if you know of any way I might ever be able to walk away from this darkness. I'm open to anything, I need some light. Anything. This is my plea to the universe. Please someone, tell me what I can do to thrive again...

Ps. I know I sound dark, but in my truest essence I'm a very light, loving girl. I was just dealt a card I don't want anymore.