Grief: Wise Counsel

[knightofalbion]

The ten best and worst things to say to someone in grief...

http://grief.com/helpful-tips/the-10...eone-in-grief/

[Native spirit]

Knightsofalbion.


They are wise words and some ppl should really read them. before they say anything,i know from experience how saying the wrong thing can have such a huge impact on the grieving, the things that were said to myself after my husband passed etc,


Namaste

I'm smack in the middle of the grieving 'process' right now. What a roller coaster ride it is. This list is pretty on the point (generally speaking). I've had most of these things said to me and my reactions to them, however extreme (or inappropriate) they might have seemed at the time, pretty much matched the 'best' and 'worst' of the list.

Personal experience:

At least she lived a long life, many people die young - An eternity spent with someone you love isn't long enough. It doesn't matter how long they were here for, the point is they aren't here anymore and I still am... I have to go on living without them; without the part of me they took with them when they left me here.

He is in a better place - Really? Where is this place? Are you sure it's really 'there?' What if it's not? What then? They're just gone forever then, aren't they?

There is a reason for everything - Please, enlighten me. I've gone over this a billion times in my head (and I will continue to replay it all over, and over, and over) and I can't find one.

She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him - What a selfish God. Bring them into my life, only to take them away.

I know how you feel - No, you don't... And I can't find the words right now to make you understand how I am feeling.

Be strong - This might be one of the few times in my life where I can't be strong... I am all but falling to pieces. I need you to be strong for me... I need you to help hold me together.

...And so on. Like I said, sometimes my answers were a tad extreme, sometimes even defensive... Best described as a roller coaster ride of thoughts and feelings while trying to make sense of it all... because it doesn't make sense, at least, not initially. It's very difficult to think clearly.

Give a hug instead of saying something
Saying nothing, just be with the person

Those two off of the 'best' list helped me more than anything, especially during the first few weeks. Just knowing people were there and, at times, literally just having them in my field of vision, were more comforting than any words. Just be there and I'll take comfort in knowing that you'll be there when I am ready to talk about it... because I might not be ready for a while.

I think the worst thing I constantly heard though was the, "You'll get over it" speech. I know it is said with the best intentions and with no malice behind it, but those two words, "get over," can come off as very harsh. At a time when all someone wants is the one they love back, hearing about "getting over" them is scary. I don't want to "get over" them... it sounds (at the time) like you're telling me that I will forget all about them; that my time with them must not have been all that important because I will just "get over" them... just like that... it's that easy.

Again, a bit extreme, but this is they way I felt... and still feel, at times. The grief journey is a personal one... we all grieve in our own ways... but this is a really good 'general' list.

I know it's a part of life... it's inevitable, but, sometimes, I wish none of us had to go through this... to feel this pain. It is so hard.

[knightofalbion]

So sorry to hear all that, dear Lulu. My heart goes out to you...

[knightofalbion]

Native Spirit: Indeed, wise words. Never easy knowing what to say in such circumstances. I hope people will read that article and take the advice on board.

Personally, I would also advise sending a 'Deepest Sympathy' card. I know from my own personal experience that that means a lot.

If it's a woman and they like flowers, then flowers (e.g. pink roses ) are a nice touch.

[knightofalbion]

Originally Posted by Lulu

Be strong - [b]This might be one of the few times in my life where I can't be strong... I am all but falling to pieces. I need you to be strong for me... I need you to help hold me together.

Give a hug instead of saying something
Saying nothing, just be with the person

Those two off of the 'best' list helped me more than anything, especially during the first few weeks. Just knowing people were there and, at times, literally just having them in my field of vision, were more comforting than any words. Just be there and I'll take comfort in knowing that you'll be there when I am ready to talk about it... because I might not be ready for a while.

Highlighted....

[Dragonfly1]

what about this one........'you'll meet someone new'...just OMG! i heard that one about 2 days after my husband died......These things are said because people just don't know how to deal with your pain and grief.....I understand it..very rarely is there any malice involved.....many blessings..x

Thank you, knightofalbion, I truly appreciate your kind words :)

Dragonfly1, I am so sorry you had to hear that so soon after your husband's passing :(

I think Dragonfly1 is correct in saying that people just don't know how to deal with it... with you... they don't know what to say, but sometimes feel obligated to say something. Don't feel that way. If you can't think of something to say, don't say anything at all... it's ok. Just be there for them... let them know that you are there... remind them, because, through all of the pain, it is sometimes easy to forget.

I know others who have explained this differently, and, as we are all individuals and experience grief in our own ways, I'll just share my experience... my 'perspective' on the situation...

When you lose someone or something you love/care for/etc. the world stops for a while. Yes, the busy world 'still rolls on' and is still full of others that you love and care for, but, for a moment in time, it's almost as if you lose your connection with everyone/everything. Losing someone/something has a way of making a world full of life appear empty... like the one who is gone was the only one on the planet. That is why it was so important, for me, at least, just to have people 'physically' around me... a subtle reminder that there is still life in this world.

I wasn't ready to talk, not at first. People would try to make me, though... in the worst of places to, like school and work... I don't want to burst into tears at my job, so why are you bringing up such a painful topic? When I was finally ready to 'talk' about it, I didn't really want a conversation, per se... I really just wanted/needed someone to listen. My thoughts were buzzing around my head at the speed of light and that contributed to, or at least made the pain of my loss even worse. I needed to release those 'thoughts' into the universe... I needed them out of my head. I talked and talked and talked.... thankfully, I had some good friends who did just what I needed... they listened to me.

I think a lot of people make the mistake of giving a 'timetable' to a grieving person, as well. DO NOT EVER DO THIS! A lot of grieving people will 'fish' for answers to things... I am definitely guilty of this... I would ask, "When will the pain go away?" and "When will I feel normal again?" The truth is, there is no timetable... and some people make the mistake of saying "Well I felt better after..." or "They usually say it will take about..." When those times come and go and the grieving person does not feel a certain way (they way they were expecting to feel) it will only add more pain and frustration into an already fragile mind and can hinder their personal healing process.

When I went 'fishing' one day and asked a very good friend about a 'timetable,' she responded, "Honestly, the pain never truly 'goes away.' In your own time and in your own way you will eventually find a way of dealing with your pain. And no, I can't tell you when and I can't tell you how... that journey is yours, and your alone, to take."

Those words really helped me and I stopped 'fishing' for answers after that.

Again, I wish none of us had to go through this :(

[Native spirit]

People can say nothing because they know not what to say but to be there means so much, i have been through it ,and as a councellor i see the devestation saying the wrong thing can have on a grieving person.sometimes no words are better than some.


Namaste

[ces]

The wise counsel is indeed wise. Grief is so personal and as individual's we feel and experience our own personal grief. There is no guidance or discussion around death and so when it happens as individuals we have no idea as to what to expect or how to deal with it. Not just the emotional side of it, the loss of the person and the huge void it leaves but the practical side of things. Yes there are people to help with arrangements etc but very few people to help with the practical activities that have to be dealt with relating to finances, homes, work etc.

There is no information about how to support either that I have found. My husbands mother died last year. I am trying to support him and deal with my own grief. This is the first death of one of our parents and there was no experience that we had seen in our lives to have any foundation for dealing with it.

Its about not saying but doing. The hug and knowledge that someone will be there if you need them and having the courage to ask for help when you do. I say courage because I think these points in time when we do need help we are at our most vulnerable and we have to be so brave to ask. Taking each day as it comes is another set of words we have often heard, but often its smaller frames of time then that, almost each hour or each minute.