Completely disheartened after realization

~Lioness~ · #1 04-03-2020, 03:29 AM

Now that my last 3 exes let me learn what the signs of a narcissistic person are. I realized my supposed "twin flame" I was in love with for 5 years and 11 extra years attempting to move on, is a narcissist too. Only a narcissist would send a 10 point essay or whatever with the bullet points stating why they hate me, how much they dont want me around, in any way shape or form, for what? Theres wasnt a reason for that behavior besides NPd.

I feel at a loss now. I dont believe she is TF now, that I just spent 16 years of my life being in love with and holding what small amount of hope i had that they would come back to me someday.

My mom is one too, and that's probably why I picked up thwnpattern of selecting "bad " people to try a relationship with. Or people not meant for me.

It really sucks, and hurts in a new way I've never felt before

FairyCrystal · #2 04-03-2020, 04:42 PM

I can imagine you don't feel to good about it. Maybe it would help to now figure out what it is you want in life, and what your boundaries are, and start working on that. Plenty of info on how to do that online.
It will help to not give your power away again.
Write down what you had to learn from this situation, which can also be very helpful to not see it as time wasted.
It can be brutal, but if you want to prevent again spending years of your life on someone or something that isn't real, it is quite important.
If you cannot do this journey back to self alone then get some help. Like a coach.
And number one thing to do is to stop blaming other people for doing this to you. You did this because you allowed it to happen. That goes back to, why, what did you have to learn from this? But if you keep blaming people for it you are still giving your power away. So take responsibility and with that control over your life.
Good luck.

7luminaries · #3 04-03-2020, 05:23 PM

Blueskiez, I'm so sorry for your troubles.
Here are my thoughts if they are in any way helpful.

Don't be too hard on yourself for how you feel.
You love who you love. It's important to let the love flow out of your heart centre, so it will remain open to receive and circulate the love you are.
People can disappoint us and it won't always make sense. Often it's really naught to do with you at all. And it doesn't mean your feelings are wrong or bad.

Good thing is...You do not have to spend time day-to-day however with those who are not kind or loving in return -- at least in your personal relationships.

As children, we didn't have a choice there and your mum harmed you.
Importantly, you have accepted that, and you can begin to forgive yourself for having endured that and also for loving her in whatever way you do.
That is human as she is still your mum.

But you can send love and blessings for both of these women and wish their best, regardless of what else happens.
And even whilst you do not engage day-to-day as a friend and partner with the one woman further.

Importantly, you can send love and blessings to yourself too, and you should try to make a regular practise of it.
Consciously remind yourself you are not here to judge how you feel or withhold the love in your heart.
But you are here to love yourself equally to the other and to all others. That means actively seeking and supporting your own highest good equally to the highest good of all others.

You are not here to seek or support a lesser good for yourself than for others.
You are not here to be abused or mistreated or shunned. Nor lectured via 10-pt outline why you are "hated" or not wanted.
I agree that is particularly cruel and juvenile as only toddlers and small children can be with one another.
I would waste no time on considering "the list", LOL. Considering the source, LOL...

Bin it and recognise going fwd that your goal is to honour your humanity alongside others...and therefore to spend more time with those who treat you with honour and respect and kindness

On the other hand...spend less time with those who do not treat you in this way...loads less. As little as possible, ideally

Peace & blessings

7L

piscesmoon11 · #4 04-03-2020, 05:58 PM

I'm sorry to hear about this. Narcissists and empaths have a natural attraction to each other, since one is a taker and one is a giver. The empath thinks she/he can save the narcissist with love, and the narcissist feeds off the empath's spirit, until she/he is broken, then they move on to the next supply. They are the epitome of energy vampires.

I can't really offer any words of comfort, because the devastation is real, but I can say that it's better that you know now, than waste more precious years of your life thinking this person truly cared about you. The sad reality is that narcissists are damaged souls, and they rarely develop enough self-awareness to see the truth in themselves.

ONEsoul · #5 04-03-2020, 09:53 PM

BlueSkiez, What you have experienced was not in vain. I would NOT wish for anyone to go through that. But what may be impossible for you to understand now, (but you will absolutely understand later), is that your experience happened for a very specific reason. These experiences are building blocks of whom you will become. Learn from them, and use them to prove to yourself how truly strong you are! You are not weak!!! No person whom was weak could have endured that. You are strong, and now hopefully wiser...xoxoxo Much much love to you

#6 04-03-2020, 10:51 PM

A boys mother grew up through the war and she had to be in control,as well as thinking they knew what was right.

She developed her own coping mechanisms,one of them,was to control others,as a way to distract from childhood trauma and not having to resolve it.

Pity not the narcissist,pity where they came from.

Hence,BlueSkiez.: )

ONEsoul · #7 04-03-2020, 11:54 PM

Elabr8Aspie, Pity NO-ONE! We are ALL the result of imperfection. Perfection is not the end goal. The end goal is love of ONE-self, and acceptance of each other as ONE. To not feel separated by judgement, indifference, rejection or un-worthiness. I am no more worthy than the homeless beggar on the street. No-one understands what is in our hearts and can feel our soul. That boy's mother did the best that she could during war. Who are any of us to judge her? We all develop our own coping mechanisms, hopefully learning as we grow. Unless you have walked their path, in their shoes, you cannot imagine, nor should we judge xoxoxo

FallingLeaves · #8 05-03-2020, 10:46 PM

i wish i hadn't done that to mine. I mean I guess the fact I was going to be upset about the way I knew she was going to treat me was as predictable as the fact she was going to treat me that way, I just wish I could have more sense sometimes.

#9 05-03-2020, 10:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FallingLeaves

i wish i hadn't done that to mine. I mean I guess the fact I was going to be upset about the way I knew she was going to treat me was as predictable as the fact she was going to treat me that way, I just wish I could have more sense sometimes.

Hi FallingLeaves,

Dwell in the valley of sorrow.

Suffering/Attachments,look at the 'I's(ego).

Cheers

FallingLeaves · #10 06-03-2020, 12:39 AM

Gotta have SOMETHING to do with my time I guess... And anyway I'm with a poster on another thread, what is the point in being enlightened and/or egoless if all you get is yourself as nothingness?

still sorry though to my sweetie... I suppose sometimes I'm as mean to her as I claim she is to me sigh.