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  #41  
Old 20-06-2020, 03:49 PM
Hilary Hilary is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 213
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Greenslade
Here's the thing that so many Spiritual people miss. Your reality is defined by your perceptions, your perceptions are defined by your beliefs and your beliefs are defined by your definitions. You defined your marriage as 'toxic' so in your reality, 'toxic' is just what it was to you. Welcome to the creation of your own reality. How does that fit in with "We are here to learn the lessons?" If you believe in that, of course. How you experience that particular aspect of your Life stems from that definition and everything is perceived from that context. And before you say anything, no I can't understand because I'm not a woman and I've never had that experience. What I have done, though, is spent a lot of time putting Mrs G back together after her previous 'toxic' marriage.

Change the word, change the paradigm. You touched on something similar earlier in the thread when you were talking about changing perceptions of what was happening. So instead of it being a 'toxic' marriage - which implies you have a lot of baggage there - how about asking what you can gain/have gained from it? What you're dealing with now is not the marriage itself but the memories of your perceptions, and with respect that's not a good basis for a discussion on Soul Contracts.

You are the answer looking for the question, you are your Soul Contract.

I'm going to try to understand you. I am going to try to stay open. It's hard, because in my marriage, I was not allowed to do many things. I was verbally attacked for the slightest accidents. I was publicly shamed and verbally attacked for doing things like buying whole milk instead of skim - in front of people at the grocery store. That's just one example.

To call it anything but abusive or toxic dismisses and invalidates my experience. You have to understand that I've had to pretend and protect my abuser, I've had to act like nothing was wrong, etc. I can't do that anymore. I call out the truth now. And the truth is that it was abusive. The end.

Now, that said, I did have a dynamic to play in this, of course I did. I did not practice self-respect. I have never been very sensitive with my words, and my ex-husband needs that sort of sensitivity in order to ... not blow up. I did not take responsibility for my life. I allowed the behaviors. I allowed myself to become trapped.

I do realize that it benefited me in many ways. I am thankful for the experience, thankful for the growth it gave me. I no longer live in the victim mindset. I let it go, and forgive. That said, I do not forget. And, I do not lie about it. It is what it is, and to call it anything else is to deny the truth.

Last edited by Hilary : 20-06-2020 at 04:46 PM.
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  #42  
Old 21-06-2020, 07:50 AM
Greenslade
Posts: n/a
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hilary
I'm going to try to understand you. I am going to try to stay open. It's hard, because in my marriage, I was not allowed to do many things. I was verbally attacked for the slightest accidents. I was publicly shamed and verbally attacked for doing things like buying whole milk instead of skim - in front of people at the grocery store. That's just one example.

To call it anything but abusive or toxic dismisses and invalidates my experience. You have to understand that I've had to pretend and protect my abuser, I've had to act like nothing was wrong, etc. I can't do that anymore. I call out the truth now. And the truth is that it was abusive. The end.

Now, that said, I did have a dynamic to play in this, of course I did. I did not practice self-respect. I have never been very sensitive with my words, and my ex-husband needs that sort of sensitivity in order to ... not blow up. I did not take responsibility for my life. I allowed the behaviors. I allowed myself to become trapped.

I do realize that it benefited me in many ways. I am thankful for the experience, thankful for the growth it gave me. I no longer live in the victim mindset. I let it go, and forgive. That said, I do not forget. And, I do not lie about it. It is what it is, and to call it anything else is to deny the truth.
If it's your perception that I'm invalidating or dismissing your experiences then I can assure you that's not the case at all. Far from it in fact. Perhaps it's best to leave it there because any further exploration of this is going to cause more of the same reaction.

Safe Journey, Hilary.
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  #43  
Old 21-06-2020, 12:50 PM
jro5139 jro5139 is offline
Ascender
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 987
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deerheart
First of all, I'm sorry if this text will be long. I don't really have any question here, I just need to write this all down and share it with someone. I wish someone would comment about these thoughts of mine, maybe tell if you have similar experiences and how have you survived with them? Some advices?

And I'm also sorry for my possibly bad english, I'm from Finland.

So, I believe my spiritual awakening started in year 2012. I learned meditation for relaxing and then I found this whole spirituality thing and I was taught about it by one person who talks about these things. Everything was fantastic. I felt a connection with nature and its animals. I felt like I have a part to play in this life, in this world, and it will come clear to me. I managed to contact spirit guides and even had small messages from them in dreams.

But things have changed after that.

I have noticed that the world hasn't changed. I still have to find myself a job and run after money even though I wouldn't like to. I still have to live in a society and follow its rules. I still have my duties that someone else has put on me. I feel that I can choose hardly anything about my life. When I was younger people kept on repeating that I have all the options and time in the world and that I can create my life to be whatever I want it to be. But now I see it was a lie.

I've heard that spiritual awakening is something that happens inside us, that it doesn't change the outer world. This seems true to me now but it feels so bad. I don't understand why I ever awakened or is there something important that I have just missed? Today it's difficult to contact my spirit guides and I feel that they've stopped giving me answers. I sometimes feel them near me and they send calming energy but I still don't get any answers. I've heard that they don't tell us what to do with our lives but I have asked them to even give me some options, what they think that I could be good at, where could I go to. But no answer.

What I'm most worried now is if I'm going crazy. I feel like I've started to isolate from the society and this world. I just hate everything that is there outside my window. Well, the nature is fine because it doesn't expect anything from me. But I wouldn't like to "join the people" and go to work as working life is so hard here and people are often cruel. I can't decide anything about my job, someone else tells me what times should I work and everything. And I can't start my own business because I have no ideas what to do. I hate how everything in this world runs around money and how people brag about their perfect lives that are just like in schoolbooks. And they expect everyone to live in the same way than they do. I hate how superficial most of the people are. And I hate the fact that there are bad things in this world. I hate how unfair life is. I think everything comes back to money and I hate money. But of course I know the good sides of money and society, living would be hard also without them, maybe even harder than now...

My problem is: I can't accept this reality.

I'm becoming cynical and negative. And I'm tired of trying to be positive because it feels like pretending and lying.

I've been in different therapies for years until I finally stopped them this year. I felt like there was not a single therapist who would have understood me really. I've had diagnosis such as depression, social phobia and anxiety but none of these has ever made complete sense to me. I felt like the therapists saw problems in me where I didn't see. They thought it was weird that I enjoy mostly being alone but I have always been like that. I think I should have been diagnosed with something like "existential crisis" but it's probably not a scientific term of psychiatry. I always felt that the therapists just wanted to make me become a normal person of society. They didn't care about my inner conflicts with this world, they just explained that "it all will get better when you start living normally (have a job, get some friends, get a family...)" But I'm just not interested in this kind of normal life. I often wish there was some spiritual therapy out there instead of these schoolbook therapies.

I'm a dreamer and I often spend time in my head, in fantasy worlds. Somehow I wish I was allowed to sink in my fantasies and that someone would come and tell me that I don't need to participate in this real world, that I don't need to do anything that I don't want to. I often wish I could go to the angels, to finally meet my guides face to face, to live in limitless love where everything would be easy and safe (I believe this happens after death). But I don't want to die because I don't want to cause that pain for my family. And of course I'm uncertain: what if I'm believing in something that is not even real? If there is nothing after death?

Sometimes I think that I just let go of this spiritual stuff and focus on real life but it feels so bad and I always return to beg for answers from spirits.

I hope someone understands something of what I'm trying to explain. I know my thoughts don't always flow in a clear line. But at least writing this all down helped me a bit.

I just want to say that I related to a lot of what you said. I, too, had a spiritual awakening between the years of 2014-2016 and I do think that you have a moment where you realize that you still have to live in this 3d world and find a way to stay at least somewhat integrated. And most of the world is not in the same place (mentally) as you and you have to be ok with that and make peace with it.

I also feel a lot like I don't want to be in this reality and I also prefer to be alone (but I have always been that way). I would also say that working through anger is a big part of the spiritual awakening process and it was for me as well. I spent quite a bit of time working on not being in a state of anger over certain things. I also agree that awakening or reaching enlightenment is about gaining more control of your emotions and working through all that anger was a big part of it for me too.

I have also felt resentful that I had to work. But for me it is not so much that I mind working, as I felt forced to do jobs that were a poor fit for my personality. I do want to contribute to society, I just want to do something that I enjoy and not dread or hate. I went back to college and then grad school at a late age and racked up large amounts of debt trying to improve that. When I got my degree, it did improve somewhat, but not completely. The jobs I was able to get were better, but were still not entirely a good fit for my personality.

The only difference is that since my awakening, my vibration has improved and while I used to get depressed a lot, I haven't been depressed in 3 years. I would attribute this to genuinely working on myself. Also, try not to have such a bad attitude about money. I look at money itself as neutral. If it seems bad, it's just because of how it has been used. There is a lot of good that you could do with a lot of money, just think about that. And as far as being content in this reality, I think that it helps to find things that you really love to do and send time doing them, even if this is not a part of how you make money. Not all of our time is going to be ours, but it helps to have things that you are passionate about.

If your guides are truly positive beings, then they understand that you need to come to certain understandings through your own learning and experience. They are not going to tell you everything because they understand that you need to learn some things for yourself. That tells me that they are really the positive ones, if they came out and told you everything, I would be more skeptical to be honest. And don't worry cause when the time is right they will communicate. That has been my experience as well; since my awakening, I also had communication with inter dimensional beings. And I have wondered at times, why they were not communicating more, but then it has been communicated and I have come to understand that I needed to learn certain things for myself. They have always been there and are still there, I have a strong sense of them most of the time. I hope that helped.
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  #44  
Old 22-06-2020, 03:58 PM
Lorelyen
Posts: n/a
 
I think most of us have felt at least some part of this and maybe change how we approach things as we learn more of our deeper mysteries - or maybe more plainly, work through delusion and illusion to learn more about our Selves.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deerheart
And I'm also sorry for my possibly bad english, I'm from Finland.

So, I believe my spiritual awakening started in year 2012. I learned meditation for relaxing and then I found this whole spirituality thing and I was taught about it by one person who talks about these things. Everything was fantastic. I felt a connection with nature and its animals. I felt like I have a part to play in this life, in this world, and it will come clear to me. I managed to contact spirit guides and even had small messages from them in dreams.
That was certainly a part of it: realising I was part of the ecology and I and it relate closely. It serves us as a species and as individuals and humanity would be wiser to realise this. We wouldn't be here as a species without it.

Quote:
But things have changed after that.

I have noticed that the world hasn't changed. I still have to find myself a job and run after money even though I wouldn't like to. I still have to live in a society and follow its rules. I still have my duties that someone else has put on me. I feel that I can choose hardly anything about my life. When I was younger people kept on repeating that I have all the options and time in the world and that I can create my life to be whatever I want it to be. But now I see it was a lie.

No, the world made of atoms and particles hasn't changed. But it sounds like you have. You'd be surprised how much you can change about your life even on this material world.
Yes, you need a job because you need money to survive with a degree of comfort in which you can practice things that develop your spirituality - or even just your hobbies. You don't have to obey fashion unless you want to, you can choose the food you eat, the people you associate with, the means you have of getting about. I imagine in Finland that's a car. You can choose your activities when not attending to work. Look on work as the way to finance the things you like to do outside it.
[I've come to divide "life" into two main bits: administering your survival (the job, personal hygiene, preparing food, other housework, sleeping, and on) and living it (doing what you like to do).

Quote:
I've heard that spiritual awakening is something that happens inside us, that it doesn't change the outer world. This seems true to me now but it feels so bad. I don't understand why I ever awakened or is there something important that I have just missed?
True, the "world outside" is the same but your view of it isn't (as you say). Your appraisal is very different. But as you grow more aware you realise that people are conditioned to work within the system as it is. It sounds like it's that that you don't like. You've punched a hole in your social conditioning and can now see things for what they are. But....now aware you start to drive your own life. You don't have to respond to high-powered advertising and marketing; you don't have to believe the latest protester propaganda claptrap; you realise the news is hopelessly biased so if you want to find out what's really going on you dig deeper and elsewhere.

Obviously you have to obey "the codes" to live in society - you observe dress codes, you don't swear in gentile company, you retain a certain diplomacy among associates....in short, you pay lip service to these things so you get through your days more easily - but no longer blindly obeying; instead, dare I say "manipulating" - you're learning how to turn things to your advantage and as you view the context more critically, you know why and can class others tied to their social conditioning as...well, rather empty, mere puppets to a system you've now climbed above and watch with amusement or bemusement. It isn't that you're superior. But you're far more aware.

You develop higher principles, examples: honesty, charitable, won't be used as a doormat, be frugal with money, own your problems..........many possibilities. Then you try to work as best you can to keep them. Should you slip up, no self-recrimination, no failure. It happens. We can't all be saints.
Quote:
Today it's difficult to contact my spirit guides and I feel that they've stopped giving me answers.........
Perhaps they think you're ready to move on by yourself?
Quote:
What I'm most worried now is if I'm going crazy. I feel like I've started to isolate from the society and this world.
No, you aren't going crazy, You're finding a little more of yourself - and it will create distance. It does for me and most of us when we're on our self-development paths. That's why it's important to "pay lip service", acknowledge others even if they're those mere puppets. (That distance is something I still feel but have grown used to it.)

And now, slow down. Do a few ordinary things, rejuvenate a hobby or two. Write your story. (You've made a start here!) The world outside your window supports you in all respects other than the lazy, indolent and sometimes cruel scum among people whom you can do your best to avoid. Don't be afraid to judge people and if you feel uneasy about them keep well away. You can't hope to like everyone in the world. People here sometimes decry "judging" others but you have to to avoid becoming a doormat or fall-guy, being used.

Quote:
I'm becoming cynical and negative. And I'm tired of trying to be positive because it feels like pretending and lying.
It won't take a great shift of mindset to become positive. You just have to awaken to being on your own feet now. You've started to unravel social conditioning.
But hey, this reply is getting rather long. I don't want it to become insomnia treatment. Know that you aren't alone and...
wishing you the best as you find your footing....
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  #45  
Old 01-11-2021, 07:48 AM
PatrickFinley PatrickFinley is offline
Newbie ;)
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 15
 
I started experiencing from a young age. I used to feel the same. But eventually I learned to overcome it.
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  #46  
Old 01-11-2021, 05:47 PM
lemex lemex is offline
Master
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,078
 
There is something that is being missed in this. The first is others like the reality they create. Never use others. This was the major revelation I had. Reveals feel much like awakening. Everyone is here to learn lessons. We create our own reality and there is still some misunderstanding, especially if one is trying to achieve it. Me I learned about spirituality through observation. And as such you also get to see what others create. I relate to the observation and conversation said and fortunately I had some reveals along the way that helped. We do not learn 100% of everything. So what can it mean you make your own reality. I did not say create. There is a difference of awareness. What are we being aware of? I go even as far to say karma creates our reality. The experience creates. It is all so complex and simple. I would say it is about free will. Use your free will to make. You are free to choose. Even what creates our own karma is the mind. In the mind you suddenly realize it is a thought. What we feel. I have found reality is what is felt, it is energy, And energy and thought go hand in hand. Change the energy and change, not the reality, but one's self. I learned long ago we use reality until it is no longer needed. I guess my perspective has changed. It is important to see not that you have changed but are changing.

Been there, done that, moved on. I would say, there are many things to be realized.

Last edited by lemex : 01-11-2021 at 09:18 PM.
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