Losing All Empathy Since Euthenizing my Dog

[blackraven]

It's been about 5 years now when I was forced to euthanize my dog. I won't go into the detail, but it took something real, genuine and fragile out of me that day when I held my dog and watched the life go out of her. I felt like I murdered her.

Since then, when it comes to people, I don't get emotional with others. Something feels broken in me. I am riding along this even keel spectrum, but I never feel things anymore on a deep emotional level, even when they are exciting, happy events. I know my beloved passed on pal would not want me living like this, but I can really date this change in my affect/behavior to the day I put her down. It's like it hurt so bad I don't ever want to feel that much pain, so it feels like I'm walking around like a zombie while other people are screaming for joy.

Anyone else have trouble transitioning back into living life to its fullest after putting a beloved pet, member of the family down?

[hallow]

Its tough to deal a loss of someone you really care. I lost 3 really close friends one to cancer,one to a car crash and one to suicide. 2 were in there mid 20's one was 43. My dog its 17 years now and she can barely make it up 2 stairs. Its hard to imagine the inevitable. But as long as there in your heart, they will always be there by your side to enjoy life with you. There their you just have to look and believe.

[Makoiyi]

Seven years ago I had to put down 2 of my horses at the same time, they were mother and son, The mare was 30 yrs old, which is a good age for a horse, but her son was only 11yrs old. It was the mares time to go she had made that decision one day when I found her out of her pasture alone laying down in a stone circle further up the mountain. She had made her choice and I knew it she could hardly get up and stand that day. It took me several hours to bring her back to the farm but I knew I had to make that call to the vet.

Her son was another story he refused to eat with out her, I had recently moved countries and had to stable them elsewhere for a while. He had to be split up from his mother and for the whole time he refused to eat. He lost a lot of weight and I mean a huge amount of weight, so much so he looked like he'd been starved. He only began to eat again when he was back with his mother. So I had to make the choice regarding do I keep him here whilst he pines away for her and refuses to eat or do I let him go with her. He made that choice himself he decided that morning to go and stand with his mother when the vet was here, the call he let out for his mother was heart breaking. I knew then that he wanted to be with her so the vet put him to sleep as well. I buried the better part of me in the ground with those two horses that day.

It took me several years to get to a point where I could think of those 2 horses and even talk about them without the hurt. But it took a rescue horse in a bad way to come here to me that bought me back to being able to care and feeling again.

I had a very sick and injured abused horse turn up here, a horse that no longer wanted to live and it was only a young horse. I had to will that horse to fight and live that day the only way I could do that was to care for it and love it. To do that I had to forgive myself. Later that day I went to the place where I buried the 2 horses by the standing stones, it was the first time I had been there since that day I'd buried them. I prayed for their forgiveness and apologised to them, I also prayed for their help with that sick horse to give it enough strength to live and will to fight. The vet arrived the next day fully expecting to put that horse down and was amazed to find it standing in it's stable, it still had a very long journey ahead of it but it had turned the corner that night.

That evening, I went past the place where the 2 horses were buried, I was leading another horse out to a distant pasture, the horse I was leading stoped raised his head and looked in the direction of where the two horses where buried, my eyes followed his and through the mist I made out 2 horses standing beside the standing stones. The horse I was leading broke the silence with a neigh to them, so I know he saw them as well. The mist thickened and cleared again and there was nothing there beside those stones. The horse that was with me pulled on the lead rope to carry on to the pasture.

It took that sick abused horse and for me to go to the place I buried those two horses and to pray and forgive myself for me to be able to feel anything again. I know what I saw beside the standing stones that day, if others believe me or not its their own opinion and personally I don't worry about it.

It was a turning point for me. My connection is with animals not people so much, and I had shut myself down to protect myself. That sick abused horse needed my help and the only way I could do that was to begin to allow myself to heal again and allow myself to care. That horse recovered and now lives a full and active life with a good friend where its loved and respected. As for me well after opening that door other animals and birds have made there way here and due to a local vet I have gone back to rehabbing wildlife. Some don't make it and I'm with them at the end always so that they know they are cared for and loved, its a sad part of what I do yes but its being responsible and many do survive and go on to live again that wouldn't have a chance if I hadn't allowed myself to open that door again.

Currently I share my life with x2 Jackdaws, x2 Young Ravens and a fledgling Song Thrush and a fledgling Black bird. Other birds have been rehabbed and released, these guys here though are ones who will likely stay.

The Ravens can never be released as they were illegally taken from the nest very young and are totally imprinted on humans. They were surrendered to me by the person who saved them and are now licenced to me by the state as its illegal to keep wild birds here unless you are licenced to do so. The other birds are injured so not candidates for re release so again are licenced to me and I have the correct facilities to keep them.

But none of this would have happened and I couldn't have helped any other animals or birds if I first of all hadn't gone and made my peace with those two horses and forgiven myself that day so that I could allow myself to care again. As for the horses well I have several of those here as well and the circle of life go's on, I'm just now an active part of it.

My advice for what it's worth is forgive yourself and allow yourself to heal from this and move on in your life. Allow yourself to open that door again and let yourself care. No its not easy but its worth the effort in doing so, after all your old dog wouldn't want you to remain in this state, it would want you to care for other animals and humans but more importantly to fully live your life.

[hallow]

I like that!

[blackraven]

Originally Posted by hallow

Its tough to deal a loss of someone you really care. I lost 3 really close friends one to cancer,one to a car crash and one to suicide. 2 were in there mid 20's one was 43. My dog its 17 years now and she can barely make it up 2 stairs. Its hard to imagine the inevitable. But as long as there in your heart, they will always be there by your side to enjoy life with you. There their you just have to look and believe.

hallow - Wow, I am very sorry for your terrible losses. My spouse always reminds me that losing a person to death is way more important than a dog, just can't convince my broken heart of that. She (my dog) is in my heart every day. I have a photo of her on my mantle along side all my other family member's photos. My sister was over and commented on it being nice that I honor her that way.

It's very tragic that your friends were lost to this world so early in life. None of them got to live a long life. Each one of their deaths is tragic. It sounds like you keep them alive in your memories. I draw strength from individuals, such as yourself, that have lost special people in their life and pushed onward in their own life. Thank you for your heartfelt response and again, I'm sorry for your losses.

[blackraven]

Originally Posted by Makoiyi

Seven years ago I had to put down 2 of my horses at the same time, they were mother and son, The mare was 30 yrs old, which is a good age for a horse, but her son was only 11yrs old. It was the mares time to go she had made that decision one day when I found her out of her pasture alone laying down in a stone circle further up the mountain. She had made her choice and I knew it she could hardly get up and stand that day. It took me several hours to bring her back to the farm but I knew I had to make that call to the vet.

Her son was another story he refused to eat with out her, I had recently moved countries and had to stable them elsewhere for a while. He had to be split up from his mother and for the whole time he refused to eat. He lost a lot of weight and I mean a huge amount of weight, so much so he looked like he'd been starved. He only began to eat again when he was back with his mother. So I had to make the choice regarding do I keep him here whilst he pines away for her and refuses to eat or do I let him go with her. He made that choice himself he decided that morning to go and stand with his mother when the vet was here, the call he let out for his mother was heart breaking. I knew then that he wanted to be with her so the vet put him to sleep as well. I buried the better part of me in the ground with those two horses that day.

It took me several years to get to a point where I could think of those 2 horses and even talk about them without the hurt. But it took a rescue horse in a bad way to come here to me that bought me back to being able to care and feeling again.

I had a very sick and injured abused horse turn up here, a horse that no longer wanted to live and it was only a young horse. I had to will that horse to fight and live that day the only way I could do that was to care for it and love it. To do that I had to forgive myself. Later that day I went to the place where I buried the 2 horses by the standing stones, it was the first time I had been there since that day I'd buried them. I prayed for their forgiveness and apologised to them, I also prayed for their help with that sick horse to give it enough strength to live and will to fight. The vet arrived the next day fully expecting to put that horse down and was amazed to find it standing in it's stable, it still had a very long journey ahead of it but it had turned the corner that night.

That evening, I went past the place where the 2 horses were buried, I was leading another horse out to a distant pasture, the horse I was leading stoped raised his head and looked in the direction of where the two horses where buried, my eyes followed his and through the mist I made out 2 horses standing beside the standing stones. The horse I was leading broke the silence with a neigh to them, so I know he saw them as well. The mist thickened and cleared again and there was nothing there beside those stones. The horse that was with me pulled on the lead rope to carry on to the pasture.

It took that sick abused horse and for me to go to the place I buried those two horses and to pray and forgive myself for me to be able to feel anything again. I know what I saw beside the standing stones that day, if others believe me or not its their own opinion and personally I don't worry about it.

It was a turning point for me. My connection is with animals not people so much, and I had shut myself down to protect myself. That sick abused horse needed my help and the only way I could do that was to begin to allow myself to heal again and allow myself to care. That horse recovered and now lives a full and active life with a good friend where its loved and respected. As for me well after opening that door other animals and birds have made there way here and due to a local vet I have gone back to rehabbing wildlife. Some don't make it and I'm with them at the end always so that they know they are cared for and loved, its a sad part of what I do yes but its being responsible and many do survive and go on to live again that wouldn't have a chance if I hadn't allowed myself to open that door again.

Currently I share my life with x2 Jackdaws, x2 Young Ravens and a fledgling Song Thrush and a fledgling Black bird. Other birds have been rehabbed and released, these guys here though are ones who will likely stay.

The Ravens can never be released as they were illegally taken from the nest very young and are totally imprinted on humans. They were surrendered to me by the person who saved them and are now licenced to me by the state as its illegal to keep wild birds here unless you are licenced to do so. The other birds are injured so not candidates for re release so again are licenced to me and I have the correct facilities to keep them.

But none of this would have happened and I couldn't have helped any other animals or birds if I first of all hadn't gone and made my peace with those two horses and forgiven myself that day so that I could allow myself to care again. As for the horses well I have several of those here as well and the circle of life go's on, I'm just now an active part of it.

My advice for what it's worth is forgive yourself and allow yourself to heal from this and move on in your life. Allow yourself to open that door again and let yourself care. No its not easy but its worth the effort in doing so, after all your old dog wouldn't want you to remain in this state, it would want you to care for other animals and humans but more importantly to fully live your life.

Makoiyi - This is the most inspirational story I have ever read here on Spiritual Forums and I've been here over 7 years. I cried reading it, especially when the son wouldn't eat and wanted to go with his mother. Just broke my heart reading everything you shared in your powerful story. I do in fact believe you saw the spirits of the mother and son horse where they were buried. After I put my dog down I kept hearing the rattle of her dog collar coming down the hallway when in bed at night and the indentation of her along side me on my bed. People thought I was hallucinating and just experiencing those things because I was still morning her. No - she was visiting me to let me know she lives on.

That's so wonderful that you rehabilitate horses and birds. In reading your experiences it is evident that you're just the person to do so! You truly are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing this intimate story of perseverance in both animal and human spirit.

[Clover]

I don't have much to add other than to comment how this entire thread has been very heartfelt to read, really, I am deeply touched by these stories. Through your words, I can most definitely feel the love you had for your loves ones, this has been is very soul- inspiring thread for me to read....

[Tobi]

That was a really beautiful account Makoiyi....so moving. Thank you for sharing that, and am sure it will inspire many people.

Blackraven, I can understand. Maybe like something went out of you that you feel is gone now. Bereavement, especially of very dear ones always changes us dramatically.

But they know. They know when it's their time to cross. They carry no blame, they do not think of euthanasia for compassionate reasons as a 'killing' at all. They know the love that is behind it. That's what they focus on. If they have been in pain before passing, it is a tremendous relief to get out of the body.
My own dog showed me she was absolutely fine after crossing over (much to my surprise at the time.) I had to have her euthanised at the end too. It was a tough thing. But she was suffering with a massive internal bleed from terminal cancer, and we had exhausted all options.

I know I keep saying this, but it's important because they bear us no bad feeling about their passing....they are relieved to get out of a painful body....they accept their spiritual life.....they know Love cannot die, and often continue to connect with us....they wait for us quite happily. They carry love in their Souls as the most important thing, and never want to see us downgrade ourselves because we are feeling bad about setting them free at the very end.

Many blessings to you and your dear dog.

[blackraven]

Originally Posted by Clover

I don't have much to add other than to comment how this entire thread has been very heartfelt to read, really, I am deeply touched by these stories. Through your words, I can most definitely feel the love you had for your loves ones, this has been is very soul- inspiring thread for me to read....

This thread has touched me deeply, Clover. I'm glad it has done the same for you as well.

[blackraven]

Originally Posted by Tobi

That was a really beautiful account Makoiyi....so moving. Thank you for sharing that, and am sure it will inspire many people.

Blackraven, I can understand. Maybe like something went out of you that you feel is gone now. Bereavement, especially of very dear ones always changes us dramatically.

But they know. They know when it's their time to cross. They carry no blame, they do not think of euthanasia for compassionate reasons as a 'killing' at all. They know the love that is behind it. That's what they focus on. If they have been in pain before passing, it is a tremendous relief to get out of the body.
My own dog showed me she was absolutely fine after crossing over (much to my surprise at the time.) I had to have her euthanised at the end too. It was a tough thing. But she was suffering with a massive internal bleed from terminal cancer, and we had exhausted all options.

I know I keep saying this, but it's important because they bear us no bad feeling about their passing....they are relieved to get out of a painful body....they accept their spiritual life.....they know Love cannot die, and often continue to connect with us....they wait for us quite happily. They carry love in their Souls as the most important thing, and never want to see us downgrade ourselves because we are feeling bad about setting them free at the very end.

Many blessings to you and your dear dog.

Tobi - I know you have had your own personal experience with having to say goodbye to your dog and so I know you know how I feel. As I read what you wrote, I looked at the photo of my dog and because I feel she is healthier and released from suffering, I felt the love in her eyes looking back at me and it was comforting to me. Thank you for your helpful and kind words.