I hope he's not my TF

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

FairyCrystal,

He doesn’t sound like a good Leo – yes, there are all shades of Leos but they’re usually good if a bit capricious. Once we settle into something we tend to be loyal but hopefully honest too, not staying falsely loyal to something if change forces us to think again.

You don’t seem to think he was telling direct lies – otherwise you’d have given him the boot for sure, so it’s your feelings, your intuition that raised suspicions. So this is difficult. It could just be that his way does differ on his home territory. Mine does slightly – I’m aware of it – when in my parent’s milieu in Surrey rather than Brighton where I have a flat. (It’s a multi-cultural, cosmopolitan town where the other is a sedate Conservative area.) The environmental differences are hardly subtle and someone visiting me in either will notice differences to me, I’m sure.

Having said that, there’s also your depth of feeling for the man and if you felt the slightest veil between you, you may have turned it into vague niggling suspicion, particularly now during the post mortem. Could be you’re looking at it with heightened sensitivity. If that’s so, awareness of that should help assuage it. I doubt you were duped. There are some people who are wonderful, beautiful experiences while they last and the sad side is things get out of step.

But you come across as a very strong person so seething though your present suspicions may be you’ll hopefully set them aside before they do you any permanent emotional harm. You are still you and strong at that. There are still beautiful memories and those you need to preserve.

Wishing you a fast recovery.
L

Edit: This got me thinking because I remember a bloke like this just after I moved "headquarters" to Brighton, happy to show me off amorously here but more distant in his own town which was a bit of a snooty place. Not even an arm around me most times. I don't think he had another girlfriend then but now I think, he probably didn't want to look too involved among people/friends who might spot us and report him to old flames or prospective new ones...

That is a good insight, and maybe at least partially what was at play too.. the different 'roles' we fulfill in different environments, and also the different images we may have created for ourselves in various environments.
I know he had a quite serious commitment problem. I also know he is the kind of man that naturally draws people to him. Well, he is a Leo, right! If you combine the two... maybe he had this reputation of a single, charming man in his home environment. If you add commitment fear in the mix, maybe he didn't want that reputation disturbed because that would equal commitment, which would raise this deep fear he has concerning that. People would ask questions and begin to regard him as a man in a relationship. Committed, so it'd be a change in image/role/reputation. I'm not sure he was ready to handle that, cos of that fear.
As long as no one knew he was involved, he could continue his comfortable life without having to face that fear. Then, in my environment, he could do and be whatever he is. His reputation/image/role wouldn't be affected. I did feel he was completely himself when he was here with me.
And he bailed out when we got closer to having to make that decision of committing and making plans for the future. And from what I know, he's done that several times before with other women he had a relationship with, ever since his very painful divorce 12 yrs ago.

And yes, I may be looking at it with heightened sensitivity. I think so. And yes, I should just treasure the beautiful memories. There are plenty of those. And you're right... I don't want emotional harm from latching on to these fears and the anger that comes with it.
THank you. Very helpful!

[FairyCrystal]

I want to thank everyone of you for your feedback and insights, each and every time! It helps me so very much to get through this process!
Thank you for being there for me when I need support and insight, or just people who listen and understand!

[Illuminata007]

This post as really hit close to home, thank you for openeness. Bottom line, TF or not, this man acted dishonestly for several months. To start a relationship while in one already involves some level of deceit. I feel for the new woman in his life.
Being lied to even if just by omission is very painful. Take some time to heal. You deserve so much more and it is good that you are no longer with him as it frees you to meet someone who is gonna love and cherish you. Someone with whom you can build a lovely future you deserve.

[FairyCrystal]

Thank you, Illuminata!
I was doing reasonably well with it all, but with Christmas approaching it's suddenly more difficult to focus on my own things in life. I dreamed about it last night, meeting him and this woman somewhere, and I woke up feeling not particularly happy because of it and that feeling lingered for the rest of the day. Couldn't snap out of it no matter what I did.
I was in quite a foul mood, lol. Talked to my mom this evening, cried a bit when I told her about my dream, then felt a little better.
But still keep thinking about him in the back of my mind. It irritates me, but I can't seem to stop it.
As for this new woman... in a way one would feel for her, thing is... the feminine gets her strength and sense of self-worth from sisterhood... oneness with other women, sharing, nurturing, supporting each other.
To start a relationship with another woman's man is the most disrespectful thing you can do to another woman. So I can't help but feel contempt.
And yes, I hold him responsible, he had the option and power to be honest and break either or both off.
But a woman who does this to another woman... That goes beyond personal for me. It's breaking an unwritten code of honour among women, and that I won't easily forget. Apart from what he's done to me, it actually hurts that another woman deliberately did this to me.
Maybe I feel so strong about this as I feel it's my soul's calling to help get women empowered, to bring back that feeling of sisterhood and oneness, by giving workshops, webinars and so on. So having a woman do this to me... goes against everything I believe in and personally stand for.

[jro5139]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

Thank you, Illuminata!
I was doing reasonably well with it all, but with Christmas approaching it's suddenly more difficult to focus on my own things in life. I dreamed about it last night, meeting him and this woman somewhere, and I woke up feeling not particularly happy because of it and that feeling lingered for the rest of the day. Couldn't snap out of it no matter what I did.
I was in quite a foul mood, lol. Talked to my mom this evening, cried a bit when I told her about my dream, then felt a little better.
But still keep thinking about him in the back of my mind. It irritates me, but I can't seem to stop it.
As for this new woman... in a way one would feel for her, thing is... the feminine gets her strength and sense of self-worth from sisterhood... oneness with other women, sharing, nurturing, supporting each other.
To start a relationship with another woman's man is the most disrespectful thing you can do to another woman. So I can't help but feel contempt.
And yes, I hold him responsible, he had the option and power to be honest and break either or both off.
But a woman who does this to another woman... That goes beyond personal for me. It's breaking an unwritten code of honour among women, and that I won't easily forget. Apart from what he's done to me, it actually hurts that another woman deliberately did this to me.
Maybe I feel so strong about this as I feel it's my soul's calling to help get women empowered, to bring back that feeling of sisterhood and oneness, by giving workshops, webinars and so on. So having a woman do this to me... goes against everything I believe in and personally stand for.

Well FC, I think you touched on an issue that is really big in our society, there is no sisterhood. We seem to be told from a young age to find a romantic relationship, that this is happiness and nothing else. Friendship is not valued or considered to be important once we are adults. No wonder, it seems, that as woman when we find a relationship we hold on to it, no matter how horrific it is. Well this is what I see going on a lot, anyway, woman that are in relationships that are simply horrific, yet they won't leave because they think being single is too hard.
Once a friend was in the bathroom crying about her abusive man, and a few of us were trying to comfort her. I told her about how I had left my ex and her reply was "but isn't it hard being single?". Really? My response was, no where near as hard as it was being with him. But this seems to be the mindset, I know too many woman that constantly complain about their useless men, yet they won't think to leave and be single. They think it's too hard.

In your case, though, I can't help but wonder, did this woman even know about you? Maybe she is in the dark like you were and doesn't know anything? In any case, if this is his pattern than he'll eventually do the same to her.
In my case, I found the behavior of my twin AND his rebound to be disgusting. Displaying their relationship on fb before his divorce and causing his wife to delete her page. Seems like it was done specifically to hurt her (and me too?).
I only ever had one dream regarding them, not long after I found out. And in that dream he was using a bag that in real life is my bag (a bag I use for work). In the dream he was using my bag and we were dating. I was looking through the bag and found her phone number at the bottom. I thought about ripping it up, but decided to leave it at the bottom of the bag.
Strange dream and I wonder what the significance is of him using my bag in the dream to hide her phone number.

[FairyCrystal]

Indeed the sense of sisterhood isn't as it should be. We have all been reared with masculine energy and in a patriarchal society, so we've learnt to compete. THat's what I see happening a lot among women, competing with one another to be the prettiest, the most popular and so on, and some even go as far as to try to charm another woman's man.
I cannot begin to tell you how much I hate that behaviour. Always have, just that in the past I didn't really know why. Now I do: it is not what women are supposed to do to each other when we are truly in our feminine energy.

In my case she did know... he told me that she had said that he had to tell me about the situation because it wasn't right, too painful. I thought she'd meant painful for her, but she'd meant painful for me. Meaning they were quite intimate otherwise she wouldn't have said that. (and he said they'd only seen each other 3 times, yeah right!).
It still makes me wonder what woman would get involved in such a situation where she knows he's still involved with another? I mean, he still came over to me, spent the night and was intimate with me. I doubt she would be stupid enough to not think we'd be intimate when he stays the night.
Not a great start of a relationship, and to be honest, I doubt it will last.

In your case... Dream interpretation is not my strong suit, hihi.
I looked it up...
A bag is about responsibilities you carry with you in life. A bag is also a reflection of your heart, what you put in the bag are your burdens, wishes, dreams, your character traits, your true self and inner & outer knowledge.

Packing a bag means you take burdening things with you, things you probably better let go of.

The fact you left that note in your bag maybe means you carry the burden of that other woman and/or his behaviour (I feel the latter) with you as opposed to letting go of it. Since it is at the bottom, you maybe suppress it to the back of your mind. Kind of "out of sight, out of mind" covering it up with other things that you put on top of it, but its still there.

[jro5139]

Well thank you for that, it may be that I still have it some but at this point I wouldn't know what else to do to fully get rid of it... I have already thought it through for months... at this point, I have found some things that put me on a high vibe and I prefer not to dwell on it and be sad. I did try to deal with it all and not suppress it and I have worked through a lot of anger over the past few months. And while I read what you said about anger always covering something up, I'm not sure that is always the case and in some cases, I was just purely angry at the way things had turned out in my life. But I have, for the large part, worked through anger and understand the whys of why my life has gone the way it has.

Dream interpretations are iffy because it can mean what it generally means or it can be personal but there may be some truth in that. I wasn't packing the bag in the dream, it had all my stuff in it that I take to work. I was looking through the bag when I found her number but not packing it. And also I had that dream 2 days after I found out, but what baffled me about it was that he put her number in MY bag and a bag that is mine in real life.

Yes that situation with your twin sounds iffy, and he probably wasn't completely honest with you or her. It sounds like both our twins have a habit/ pattern of relationships that over- lap each other.

[ForgedInFire]

Now you can understand why i dont want my tf nor the connection. This same reason you are experiencing. Who wants a lying deceitful cheater for even if they are a tf? The only difference is I only found out about twin fLAMES after the fact where you already knew beforehand.

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by ForgedInFire

Now you can understand why i dont want my tf nor the connection. This same reason you are experiencing. Who wants a lying deceitful cheater for even if they are a tf? The only difference is I only found out about twin fLAMES after the fact where you already knew beforehand.

No I don't understand, but that's cos I am different in the way I deal with things and see things.
He wasn't a lying deceitful cheater. In spite of being hurt and sometimes angry because of that, I know that we shared a very deep love and connection, something that was special. I do believe he simply wasn't sure, sort of like 1 foot in, 1 foot out, maybe sometimes 2 feet in even.
And even though the way it ended wasn't nice nor pretty, I still value the wonderful things we shared and the beautiful gifts he gave me.
What I've learnt with and from him is that there are men who can be loving, caring, and giving, supporting, and all that and more of what I was hoping to find.
I've experienced what a relationship can be like, should be like, and how it feels to be all woman with a man. I've never ever before felt so loved, cared for, admired, protected and supported by a man. The fact that it didn't work out as I'd hoped doesn't change that.

So no, I don't understand. And yes, I may be angry at times and hurting, disappointed, and unhappy he wasn't upfront with me. But I also understand that telling someone something like that is bloody difficult, especially so if you aren't sure yourself yet. I'm not sure if I would've done it differently myself to be honest... I mean, if you're 'stuck' with two people and have genuine feelings for them both... I think I'd be in a pickle myself for some time, not knowing what to do.
And even though how it ended hurt me tremendously, I still am not angry with life or men or relationships and so on and so forth.
I take responsibility for what happened, for my part of it. I myself ignored some things. Had I not done that I A) maybe could've changed the outcome or B) could've taken matters in my own hand and ended it myself earlier on. Love and relationships are not a one-way street, same goes when it goes haywire... There's a reason for it and both have their part in this
Apart from that, it also reminds me of one of the Wisdom of the Oracle cards (cannot remember which one): Rejection is God's protection.
Better that this happened now instead of 5 yrs down the line. Would've been even more painful.

In the meantime I continue to work on myself, have the occasional rant, but will also continue to be grateful for the experience and the wonderful deep bond and intense love we shared. It was the most awe-inspiring connection I've ever had.
All I need now is a refinement of this with someone else. After I've healed that is.

[lunapixie]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

No I don't understand, but that's cos I am different in the way I deal with things and see things.
He wasn't a lying deceitful cheater. In spite of being hurt and sometimes angry because of that, I know that we shared a very deep love and connection, something that was special. I do believe he simply wasn't sure, sort of like 1 foot in, 1 foot out, maybe sometimes 2 feet in even.
And even though the way it ended wasn't nice nor pretty, I still value the wonderful things we shared and the beautiful gifts he gave me.
What I've learnt with and from him is that there are men who can be loving, caring, and giving, supporting, and all that and more of what I was hoping to find.
I've experienced what a relationship can be like, should be like, and how it feels to be all woman with a man. I've never ever before felt so loved, cared for, admired, protected and supported by a man. The fact that it didn't work out as I'd hoped doesn't change that.

So no, I don't understand. And yes, I may be angry at times and hurting, disappointed, and unhappy he wasn't upfront with me. But I also understand that telling someone something like that is bloody difficult, especially so if you aren't sure yourself yet. I'm not sure if I would've done it differently myself to be honest... I mean, if you're 'stuck' with two people and have genuine feelings for them both... I think I'd be in a pickle myself for some time, not knowing what to do.
And even though how it ended hurt me tremendously, I still am not angry with life or men or relationships and so on and so forth.
I take responsibility for what happened, for my part of it. I myself ignored some things. Had I not done that I A) maybe could've changed the outcome or B) could've taken matters in my own hand and ended it myself earlier on. Love and relationships are not a one-way street, same goes when it goes haywire... There's a reason for it and both have their part in this
Apart from that, it also reminds me of one of the Wisdom of the Oracle cards (cannot remember which one): Rejection is God's protection.
Better that this happened now instead of 5 yrs down the line. Would've been even more painful.

In the meantime I continue to work on myself, have the occasional rant, but will also continue to be grateful for the experience and the wonderful deep bond and intense love we shared. It was the most awe-inspiring connection I've ever had.
All I need now is a refinement of this with someone else. After I've healed that is.

You are in shock and in complete denial! Both normal reactions considering what you just went through and are still going through. But condoning his terrible behavior and making excuses for his poor judgement and disrespect of you will never get you anywhere that is very healthy. My words are not a result of anger against men. My words come from my own experiences when I used to sound and act exactly like you are right now. I understand what you are going through because you can’t see anything clearly right now even though you believe that you have a full grasp on what’s happening. You don’t. And you won’t. And those excuses you are making for your ex’s behavior, eventually you will wake up and you’ll know exactly what I mean when I tell you to call his actions what they are. There are a number of expletives I could use here to describe your ex’s behavior -and my own ex’s for that matter- but I won’t.

You will not fully heal until you come face to face with all the anger you are trying to bury inside. He hurt you. He disrespected you. He lied and cheated on you. And yet, here you are making up stories about how it’s all great and he’s not to blame for anything. Women do that a lot! And that’s gotta stop now! Twin Flame or not, call ** what it is for crying out loud! And then let that mud and that dark energy flow out of your life. You can’t heal what you refuse to feel!

Anyway, I know how hard the holidays are especially when a TF ditches us to go exercise their immaturity with another woman or women. So hang in there. Try to do the >> real<< work. This is, like I said before, only the beginning for you.