Reunion on a small scale

[ForeverRestless]

TF and I recently ended our separation, albeit on a small scale. I keep wanting to come here and tell the story about everything he said and everything he admitted to me, but it takes a lot of emotional and spiritual energy to get through the telling of it, especially since it feels like everything is still very much happening in the present tense. I'm just trying to process it.

But as you all know, I did not interact with my TF at all for just shy of two years (so 23 months). At the time, I was just beginning a new relationship with another man, who I am still with.

The conversation we had in February (I initiated it) reopened a door, and showed me he did remember me, he didn't hate me, we still had our connection, etc.

Nine months went by before he contacted me again. He "came back" in a sense. He called me by the old nickname he used to call me, he asked me if I was coming back to his country any time soon, etc.

There has been a lot of filtering of things on both sides, we are both guarded in some ways yet strangely raw and genuine with each other in others. Since September we've been talking more often, first once a month, then once every few weeks, and now it feels like once a week. I'm not sure what's happening from here.

I mean, I admitted to him that I used to be in love with him, he admitted to me that we could read each other's minds, that I understand him and know him better than anyone on the planet, that he lost his head over me, that he has never felt for anyone else before or after what he felt for me, etc. etc. But I told him I was happy in my relationship (maybe defense mechanism?), that it's good he left because he would have hurt me and I deserve better than that. I told him I peace and harmony in my life now. But he was also acting like his feelings for me were past and something he wanted to put behind him. I don't know where we are right now but I know he was emphatic and insistent on us staying touch and hopefully being friends, even though he doesn't want more? There are no promises or expectations of us ever being anything more than online pen pals at all, ever in the future, in this life or the next. But I still retain a thin hope because of how strong the connection is and the unconditional love I still feel for him. I release attachment to outcome and need for validation, which is part of the reason I'm resisting talking about this stuff and instead talking about things like politics, philosophy and the human experience with him. (Yes, we tend to go deep.) But that's all there is and the energy around our reconnection, trying to navigate a new friendship, is making me a little crazy.

I had a very vivid dream last night (astral travel perhaps) in which I took a red eye flight and went to visit his country. He picked me up in the morning and we spent a day together walking around, the intention to talk about things face to face, figure out how we were going to move forward. It was very vivid and the energy has been messing with me a lot obviously, even though we have not been talking about anything earth shattering in the past couple of weeks.

I seem to have an energetic force driving a wedge between me and my boyfriend right now, when just a few weeks ago, everything was wonderful and intimate and I was spending Thanksgiving with his family. I feel like I am being taken for a ride right now, and I have no control over it. I don't even want to see my boyfriend and I feel zero attachment to him anymore even though I don't expect anything to happen with Twin. I also feel strongly that neither Twin nor I have grown enough and evolved enough to be together, so I know it would be a mistake anyway. But it's almost like something energetically is pulling me away from my boyfriend and making my immediate energetic attention go to my twin right now, even know I know we should not be together. Could this be because my Twin is thinking about me a lot and wrestling with stuff of his own, and I am picking up his energy?

I really feel so much like I'm not control of anything right now. Like someone has a Forever Restless voodoo doll and is instructing me what to feel. My boyfriend deserves better than this, too. But I cannot muster any sense of caring for him right now. I want to be single and free and off on my own adventures and growing and changing and etc. etc. Maybe I should be hoping this is just a phase? I guess I'm going to die alone after all because I'll blow up any relationship that actually finds me.

But my energy is just buzzing right now like solar flares almost. I feel like something is shifting inside of me and I can't help it. Everything feels so immediate and alive and I know it has nothing to do with my boyfriend and everything to do with something inside me, my soul, I guess, itching to get out and DO something. Is that something reuniting with my twin? I don't think so. But I feel so much resistance right now to my relationship and so much fire around the topic of my twin.

I don't really know what to do. How do I keep talking to my Twin and be normal in these conversations feeling so ignited in this way? I want to shout to the rooftops. I want to tell him that I've been reawakened since telling him I have everything I want and I've realized I am lying to myself and I'm dissatisfied with my life. That I don't expect or think it's sensible for us to be together right now, but that I've been in denial and I haven't felt anything real since Twin. That he's the most significant person in my life even if we're not together. Like I want to tell him all this but I know it's not for any outcome. I just feel like I'm going to explode right now because everything about Twin is real and everything I try to do in life with these masks and fitting into societal roles or relationships or whatever is just fake. I feel like a alien sometimes pretending to be human and I kinda told Twin that too. He said wow... that he feels like that sometimes too. I haven't heard from him since. It's been a couple days. But I'm just dying to talk to him about the whole universe at once and I know I can't overwhelm him.

I don't know what the F I'm doing right now and navigating being reconnected to Twin is different than I ever imagined it would be. I don't feel weak or at Twin's mercy; I don't put him on a pedestal like that anymore. But I feel entirely at the Universe's mercy as it yanks me in directions against what I've been planning for myself. And my friend tells me my boyfriend was only in my life to teach me lessons, which he probably did. But I don't want to hurt him or let him down, and I'm hoping all of this will just pass. But at the same time I want to jump out of my skin and DO SOMETHING real. Change myself, change the world, something. And in the middle of all of it I feel the invisible thread between me and twin pulled taut. And that one of us could pull each other to us at any time if we chose to, we just don't. And the thread between me and my boyfriend is cut. Or never existed. And I feel like a horrible person and don't know what to do. I mean I'm not going to leave him for anyone. Certainly not my twin. This isn't a real reunion. Do I leave my boyfriend to reunite with myself? Be alone forever?

Help, I'm so confused right now.

[FairyCrystal]

Maybe you should just take a time-out. Talk to your boyfriend might be smart and the right thing to do as well. How much you tell him is up to you.
You can simply tell him you need time, tell him you have this strong craving/urge to do something and that you don't know where you're going from here just yet.
That's not lying, just leaving out the TF part.

Then maybe focus more on you. What is this thing you want to do? Go do it!
Stop worrying about being alone forever. Staying with someone you don't want to be with will make you lonelier than being by yourself.
And no one says you will be alone forever, that just your own fear. Trust. Trust that spirit wants only the best for you.
Maybe this renewed acquaintance with your TF is merely to propel you forward on your Soul's journey. And if you set your steps on that new path, you may very well find another partner who resonates with you completely. This could be your current BF or your TF or another man.
But you moving forward, growing, developing etc. could be the whole reason for getting in touch with TF again.
And who knows, maybe in the future it WILL be your TF. You say yourself that you feel you aren't ready for him yet. Well, then do something and get ready!
Let this contact stimulate and inspire you to do what you feel you came here to do. That 'something' you are talking about. Use that energy for your higher good and let all else just unfold naturally. I'm quite sure you will get more clarity along the way. Just get underway!

[Elysium]

I wish someone knew how much I want this to happen to me and could make it happen.... I'm sorry to be off topic. Super emotional after reading this. Good luck hun

[ByChance]

Did you watch the movie "The adjustment boureau"? I like it very much. It has helped me very much to watch TFs movies recently.
Much love to you.

[Illuminata007]

I think it is important to honor what your feelings and try to get out of your head a bit. There is season why you've reconnected with your TF now and you are losing your connection to your boyfriend. Maybe you need to be single awhile. Plus who's to say when you are ready. If you where to be in union this minute you would figure it out. Remember that we have a lot of help in the spiritual/5D plane. I ask for helped when I am overwhelmed just before a go to sleep and often wake up with new insights, signs or I have a powerful dream, etc. Record your dreams! I think the recent dream is significant and speaks to you seeing each other again.. the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to do things that bring you joy and live life to the fullest. If you need to be single for now, that is ok