Twin Flame? Soulmate? Unrequited love? Codependent? I just don't know - but I am surr

[kerrybear]

Can I tell you all my story and get your thoughts? I met R on Tinder 6 months ago - he had just moved to a small town near my city to start a new life, clean of benzos and alcohol, both of which he was addicted to. This didn't phase me, I was non-judgmental from the start, and appreciated his honesty, and the same when he told me he has the same neurological condition as my son. Chat felt right from the start, even though he wasn't my normal type.

By the time we first met 3 weeks later we were having 1-2 hour chats on the phone, on top of long whatsapp messages - we had the same music taste (music is big for both of us), the same views of things, similar life experiences - I remember asking him if he was just me with more facial hair?

We met and it felt like home - I felt comfortable and like I could be 100% me. The first evening we talked til 6am - I sat in his chair naked playing his music, surrounded by his possessions in his house which completely mirrored my tastes (we even had the same dinner plates) not feeling at all phased. The sex was like nothing else - and I remember looking in the mirror by his bed and not being able to work out where my flesh ended and his started - I spent a lot of time staring at him intently feeling puzzled by his presence - even though my initial thought when I clapped eyes on him were "He is insane. Run now". (He is undiagnosed but considers himself to have a personality disorder)

He obviously had so many problems - he needed to get clean. We met once more, before he freaked and cut me out - I went crazy - literally - I crashed into panic, threats, begging, I couldn't lose this now I had found it. After a few days I accepted the only way I could keep him was to back off - so I did. I spent a month thinking about him constantly. I saw a psychic, who did a tarot reading, who pulled 2 of cups immediately and told me we were twin flames. I was dismissive (I still am a bit, as I have never classed myself as being very spiritual), but it felt right.

Since then every time I have gone near a tarot deck (a friend's or online) 2 of cups comes out. 11:11 is everywhere. Energy pours from my palms, crystals jump out at me or off me. I feel him everywhere. I can't drive within 2 miles of his home town without feeling panicked and physically sick.

He is running. We got back together, he finished it again but we stayed friends. I was there the day he reached rock bottom, speaking to his Dr, feeding him, listening to him. He is now clean from alcohol (nearly four months), but 6 weeks ago, he emailed me and told me to leave him alone - I was a massive trigger for his addictions, if I contacted him again he would be physically sick, smash his flat up or start drinking again. I wrote to him four weeks later, and now he has blocked me from everything - facebook, whatsapp, blocked my phone number, he has disappeared from me. The only way I can check if he is alive and well is his dating profile. I have not tried to contact him since he blocked me on everything, I am now respecting he doesn't want to hear from me.

The panic and heartbreak I felt after he removed me from his life has now gone. I feel no anger towards him, and feel he has presented me with the blueprint of a co-dependent relationship, so that now I am able to recognise I am co-dependent and am starting to work on that. I am starting to love without fear - and stop accepting bull**** from the opposite sex. I still suffer from jealousy though - it drives me crazy that he is dating, and probably sleeping with other women.

The last couple of days I have felt free and loved and happy like a lightbulb turning on - I don't feel like he has gone from my life - even though it occasionally hits me that he has cut me out and that is when i doubt my sanity - that feeling doesn't last long before I feel fantastic again. I can't imagine a life without his presence in it basically - he has touched me.

I am worrying I may be just insane though - and feeling like this because I am in denial that I have lost someone beautiful, kind and important to me. Or that he is just a member of my soul family who walked in to teach me an important lesson. Or is he my twin flame? I don't feel we have a higher life purpose to work on together, just that we fit (even though he is the most difficult and flawed man I have ever met), but the other signs point towards a twin flame connection.

All I know though is that this has been the worst and best 6 months of my life, and I don't know what the hell is going to come of it.