I'm changing... and he's not.

Originally Posted by Alaskangirl907

The first sentence is pretty much what my tarot cards said last night. So that was a little freaky! :)


Honestly, I'm not really referring to sex, I mean yeah its routine, but I'm talking about the little things... just turning off his game and talking to me would excite me. I don't need much, and I may sound like a spoiled brat who is never happy, but that isn't so... I just realize now that, the emotional connection is very important to me.
I do plenty for my husband... I am seeing areas i need to work on. Mostly how I communicate and keeping the house cleaner on a regular basis, all of which I'm working on and have been working on.
The thing is, this isnt something i just decided right now, all of a sudden.
This is years and YEARS, of me dealing with the verbal/emotional abuse and I finally started sticking up for myself... I feel like I kissed his butt for 7 years, I literally wait on him hand and foot everyday and I have for at least 12 of those years...occasionally he gets his own plate, or drink etc. but usually its me who gets what he needs/wants. i get up every morning before him, and pack his lunch for work, make coffee (he doesn't eat breakfast first thing), I take care of the house and kids all day, i almost always have dinner ready when he gets home, I let him sit down and relax and I get him something to drink, make his plate (or a snack if needed), I bring this all to him along with anything else he needs. Then he plays his game all night. He wants me to massage his back like i use to, but i dont do that near as often as I did. He refuses to return the favor for me, like recently my shoulder was out after lifting weights and I told him I would and asked if he'd rub this spot where my shoulder was tense and he refuses but expects me to still do it for him, and I'm tired of feeling like i get nothing in return (emotionally...physically even) like I'm taken for granted in so many ways.

But, I have been reading a lot of self help blogs and what not on better communjcation, and ways to make him feel loved and appreciated too...
I compliment him when he's looking extra good, I write lil love notes on his sandwhich bags, I send him texts now and then saying something sweet, appreciative etc. all i ever get in return is a grunt, or a "yup, love you too", I have sex when i don't really want to... just to keep him happy, I give him time to himself when I can because I know he needs it. I mean i literally ask how high if he says to jump... I mean thats just to name a few...
I feel like he does nothing of that nature for me, and i think I deserve that too! Not all the time, but this relationship is all about keeping him happy, it should be about US, not him, not me. Us.

Right now, I'm working on how to communicate better, i noticed i say "you" a lot and I'm working on it.
I am by no means perfect, but I need that attention, I need equality, I need respect, I need someone to walk by my side, not someone who always walks ahead, or leaves me behind.
I am in no means looking for, thinking about, or anywhere near wanting another man. I'd prefer my husband be the one to give me what I need.
Right now, it's myself, my marriage, our children. I know now in order to love them right, I have to love myself, so that is all I'm focused on, and have been focused on & I have no intention of repeating past mistakes, I am trying to save my marriage.... I honestly am.
But how many years do I live like this?
When is enough, enough?

You say a lot more in this post and, yes, you are getting a rough deal. I can understand you feeling pretty hopeless with things as they are, if he isn't attending to you at all - or not much - like absorbing himself in his own thing while not responding to your attempts to communicate affection and togetherness. Yes, the absence of togetherness comes across acutely.

And the difficulty of just leaving.... that would be a tremendous upheaval so much is obvious. There are so many risks and so many unknowns.

Altogether it is so emotionally draining and there's only so much anyone can take before they become so dispirited as to lose touch with "reality": the outside world, people, workplace, the ordinary social things that people engage in. In a way, it's heartening that you have your kiddies to embrace with love. Being a good and loving mum is worth so much.

I agree with Clover. It's important to devote what energy you have to visualising and affirming a better life - freedom, socialising among like-minded people, meeting people who will find you engaging.

While your hubby is "doing his thing" - playing his games or whatever, retire to somewhere quiet (kiddies allowing) and affirm a better future....not so much "things are bad but they're getting a little better every day..." Forget about the "things are bad" bit and just think positive, forward, to the future. "I'm finding something good about every day." But the visualisation is important - release your daydreams - to get yourself to believe it can all happen.

It may act in the subtlest of ways - that your hubby starts to change and appreciate you. If some small thing happens, don't act any different from now in regard to him; don't bank on it being permanent but just be aware....and keep visualising your better life. On the other hand you'll notice opportunities coming your way. It's often a question of noticing....

Far-fetched? Not at all. Nothing will happen in a week; a month so you have to find the stamina to keep going. Many people here have changed their lives with these practices.

You're here now. People are listening. Have a look around the other sections of this forum, particularly Affirmations. You may soon find yourself ready to join in chats on the various topics.

I wish you strength, endurance and peace to keep going.



:::

[Alaskangirl907]

Thank you so much, definitely some good feedback here and things I am working on each day... I did look in the Affirmations section a briefly, but wasn't sure exactly what I was looking for... or what it's about so I didn't spend much time there.

My kids definitely keep me going on days I feel I can't and working hard to be the mom they deserve.
No matter what kind of mood I'm in, they can always make me laugh. I am starting to really appreciate the small things in life (well small to some!)
Last night I had my first night alone in I have no idea how long, and I took the opportunity to watch the sunset.. and I just felt so thankful and appreciative of the fact that I was able to not only witness such a beautiful thing, but also capture it on camera.
Something I take for granted often I suppose. :)

Thanks again for sharing your opinion with me, I need some non biased opinions at times to help me see things a little differently and I do believe this post has done that. :)

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

You say a lot more in this post and, yes, you are getting a rough deal. I can understand you feeling pretty hopeless with things as they are, if he isn't attending to you at all - or not much - like absorbing himself in his own thing while not responding to your attempts to communicate affection and togetherness. Yes, the absence of togetherness comes across acutely.

And the difficulty of just leaving.... that would be a tremendous upheaval so much is obvious. There are so many risks and so many unknowns.

Altogether it is so emotionally draining and there's only so much anyone can take before they become so dispirited as to lose touch with "reality": the outside world, people, workplace, the ordinary social things that people engage in. In a way, it's heartening that you have your kiddies to embrace with love. Being a good and loving mum is worth so much.

I agree with Clover. It's important to devote what energy you have to visualising and affirming a better life - freedom, socialising among like-minded people, meeting people who will find you engaging.

While your hubby is "doing his thing" - playing his games or whatever, retire to somewhere quiet (kiddies allowing) and affirm a better future....not so much "things are bad but they're getting a little better every day..." Forget about the "things are bad" bit and just think positive, forward, to the future. "I'm finding something good about every day." But the visualisation is important - release your daydreams - to get yourself to believe it can all happen.

It may act in the subtlest of ways - that your hubby starts to change and appreciate you. If some small thing happens, don't act any different from now in regard to him; don't bank on it being permanent but just be aware....and keep visualising your better life. On the other hand you'll notice opportunities coming your way. It's often a question of noticing....

Far-fetched? Not at all. Nothing will happen in a week; a month so you have to find the stamina to keep going. Many people here have changed their lives with these practices.

You're here now. People are listening. Have a look around the other sections of this forum, particularly Affirmations. You may soon find yourself ready to join in chats on the various topics.

I wish you strength, endurance and peace to keep going.



:::

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by Alaskangirl907

he's never been physically abusive to me but I feel there is some verbal amd emotional abuse, and I don't remember exactly how I was at first but I didnt treat him like I do now... after so many years of being called every name in the book and being yelled at, i started to treat him the same way and now I can be just as abusive verbally

Hi Alaskangirl....

I understand from reading your account that you are going through a spiritual awakening and that's great to hear...

While you are experiencing these life circumstances for the time-being (remember it's not forever), you can continue to explore and identify ways to adapt to your environment so that you can make the best of the current situation for you and your children.

The conflict and the adversity that you are facing in the current state of your relationship, you can choose to utilize this as an opportunity to further your own self-refinement and to develop increased control/mastery over your emotional state as you continue to navigate your way through your awakening.

Remind yourself that you cannot control his behavior, but you have absolute authority and control over your own actions - which includes your reactions to his behavior and how you decide to treat him in response to his behavior. I do understand that a relationship can erode and become toxic over time - and how individuals can be made to feel resentful and very defensive. You alluded to above how you came to mirror his behavior and treatment of you over time, and now you recognize yourself as also being verbally abusive. It's sort of like it was a learned behavior that over time became habitual (repetitive) and now it's almost like a compulsive action that feels like an automatic response - right? Well the good news is that if your acting this way was gradually developed and adopted, this process can conversely be reversed and your acting/responding this way can be gradually abandoned. Think of the situation as being analogous to an addiction or habit. A person builds up to a certain level over time - and when you want to break the habit, you can ween your usage down gradually over time and this will have the effect of undoing the conditioning.

So you can make the decision to be extremely mindful of your own words, your own actions, and your own reactions in the presence of his behavior. Be mindful of the words from him that in the past have triggered certain emotional responses within you and caused you to react a certain way. You can view this from the perspective of being a big 'test' or 'challenge' for you. You are going to use this as an opportunity to learn to master control over your emotional state and to learn to take the high road in the face of conflict/adversity. This is not about him 'winning', or him getting the better of you in any of these arguments or situations (even if he thinks that way, let him). It's not an egoic-minded battle of wills anymore. It's about you wanting what's best for you - and that means improving your state of being and how you feel inside. This will have the significant added effect of also benefiting your children and the quality of your relationship with them. When you are feeling more at ease, more calm, and more peaceful - your relationship with others will be enhanced. When you are feeling annoyed, angry, agitated, frustrated, upset, resentful - your relationship with others is strained because your emotional state is disturbed. There is a saying attributed to Buddha that goes, "You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger" - and it's true, when we get angry we are the ones who end up feeling terrible inside. We punish ourselves when we lose control over our emotions. The more we learn to control our emotional responses, the more balanced and at peace we will feel.

You have to set the intention to continually be mindful of this endeavor. The key is not to be unconscious of your actions and reactions - because when you are unconscious of what's playing out within you and your behavior, that's when you respond automatically and without thought. That is what you want to break away from - the compulsive/habitual knee-jerk actions and reactions. When you find yourself in these situations that normally would trigger certain emotions and reactions from you as they have done in the past - the trick is to CATCH YOURSELF in the moment, to consciously acknowledge and recognize what is unfolding. In doing so you are no longer reacting & responding unconsciously. Allow yourself to feel the emotional disturbance at first, let it come up. Then you are simply going to be mindful and consciously remind yourself to 'let it go' and let it pass through you - that you are not going to feed the emotional disturbance, that your old way of responding is not worth it and not in the best interest of your well-being. It will take a short while for the emotional energy to subside, but it will be worth it rather than making the interaction/situation more volatile and thereby increasing the emotional disturbance and ruining your state of being. The more you practice letting go and demonstrating control over your actions/reactions - the easier and easier it will be moving forward. It's just like a learned skill - something you train yourself to be good at. It's not going to come overnight, so don't get frustrated, but keep practicing this and you will be amazed at how you are able to modify your behavior and improve your internal state of being by doing so. Don't feel intimidated by the interactions, just continue to remind yourself that this is a 'test' and a 'challenge' for you, that you are going to work to master.

The other important thing is this. When you act verbally abusive towards him, does that ever help alleviate the tension between you, or is it more likely to maintain the tension and fuel his behavior and treatment of you? I'm not pointing the finger here at either party, but psychologically speaking, you can perceive how responding/reacting a certain way towards him is likely to further the cycle of how you are interacting with one another - right? So again with the acknowledgement that you cannot control his actions, only your own - you can realize that by exercising control over your emotional responses and changing the manner in which you react, you can take some of the wind out of his sails and work to counteract his pattern of behavior. Think of it as a cycle of actions and reactions - you can disrupt the cycle by withdrawing your participation from the game. It's difficult to get agitated at someone who exercises control over their emotions - and it's easy to get agitated at someone who has no control over their emotions. Your emotional energy (or lack thereof) has the ability to influence these interactions.

Again, you can't force him to change or act a certain way. But you can choose to focus your conscious energy inwardly and focus on committing yourself to trying to be the best version of 'you' that you can be. This way you can find peace with your actions and not look back with any guilt or regret over how you were operating and carrying yourself. You can also take pride in knowing that you are providing the best example and influence for your children.

I'm not telling you here to stay with him and try to salvage your marriage, and I'm not telling you to pack up and leave. That's not my place to make any such suggestions and I truly do not know what the best option is for you and your children at this time. I'm simply offering to you that for the time being, while you find yourself continuing to experience these circumstances - you can alter and adjust your perception of what you are experiencing and find ways to utilize the situation as a means to further your refinement and as a means to practice and master control over your emotional state. The skills and abilities you develop, and the learning and internal growth that takes place as part of your awakening - this permanently changes you and will benefit you in all walks of life, far beyond this current life circumstance you find yourself experiencing.

Hang in there and stay strong... A whole new 'you' is emerging during this awakening process and you will be amazed at what you find... : )

Kind Regards,
~WOLF

P.S. - there is an excellent book about the important process of releasing stored emotional energy (clearing blockages) and ultimately discovering the higher nature of your own being. It's called 'The Untethered Soul' (Michael Singer), and it may be of interest to you.

[Alaskangirl907]

This is exactly what i needed and exactly what I'm going to focus my energy on.
Thank you so much, I will need to read this again, at some point I'm sure.

Originally Posted by wolfgaze

Hi Alaskangirl....

I understand from reading your account that you are going through a spiritual awakening and that's great to hear...

While you are experiencing these life circumstances for the time-being (remember it's not forever), you can continue to explore and identify ways to adapt to your environment so that you can make the best of the current situation for you and your children.

The conflict and the adversity that you are facing in the current state of your relationship, you can choose to utilize this as an opportunity to further your own self-refinement and to develop increased control/mastery over your emotional state as you continue to navigate your way through your awakening.

Remind yourself that you cannot control his behavior, but you have absolute authority and control over your own actions - which includes your reactions to his behavior and how you decide to treat him in response to his behavior. I do understand that a relationship can erode and become toxic over time - and how individuals can be made to feel resentful and very defensive. You alluded to above how you came to mirror his behavior and treatment of you over time, and now you recognize yourself as also being verbally abusive. It's sort of like it was a learned behavior that over time became habitual (repetitive) and now it's almost like a compulsive action that feels like an automatic response - right? Well the good news is that if your acting this way was gradually developed and adopted, this process can conversely be reversed and your acting/responding this way can be gradually abandoned. Think of the situation as being analogous to an addiction or habit. A person builds up to a certain level over time - and when you want to break the habit, you can ween your usage down gradually over time and this will have the effect of undoing the conditioning.

So you can make the decision to be extremely mindful of your own words, your own actions, and your own reactions in the presence of his behavior. Be mindful of the words from him that in the past have triggered certain emotional responses within you and caused you to react a certain way. You can view this from the perspective of being a big 'test' or 'challenge' for you. You are going to use this as an opportunity to learn to master control over your emotional state and to learn to take the high road in the face of conflict/adversity. This is not about him 'winning', or him getting the better of you in any of these arguments or situations (even if he thinks that way, let him). It's not an egoic-minded battle of wills anymore. It's about you wanting what's best for you - and that means improving your state of being and how you feel inside. This will have the significant added effect of also benefiting your children and the quality of your relationship with them. When you are feeling more at ease, more calm, and more peaceful - your relationship with others will be enhanced. When you are feeling annoyed, angry, agitated, frustrated, upset, resentful - your relationship with others is strained because your emotional state is disturbed. There is a saying attributed to Buddha that goes, "You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger" - and it's true, when we get angry we are the ones who end up feeling terrible inside. We punish ourselves when we lose control over our emotions. The more we learn to control our emotional responses, the more balanced and at peace we will feel.

You have to set the intention to continually be mindful of this endeavor. The key is not to be unconscious of your actions and reactions - because when you are unconscious of what's playing out within you and your behavior, that's when you respond automatically and without thought. That is what you want to break away from - the compulsive/habitual knee-jerk actions and reactions. When you find yourself in these situations that normally would trigger certain emotions and reactions from you as they have done in the past - the trick is to CATCH YOURSELF in the moment, to consciously acknowledge and recognize what is unfolding. In doing so you are no longer reacting & responding unconsciously. Allow yourself to feel the emotional disturbance at first, let it come up. Then you are simply going to be mindful and consciously remind yourself to 'let it go' and let it pass through you - that you are not going to feed the emotional disturbance, that your old way of responding is not worth it and not in the best interest of your well-being. It will take a short while for the emotional energy to subside, but it will be worth it rather than making the interaction/situation more volatile and thereby increasing the emotional disturbance and ruining your state of being. The more you practice letting go and demonstrating control over your actions/reactions - the easier and easier it will be moving forward. It's just like a learned skill - something you train yourself to be good at. It's not going to come overnight, so don't get frustrated, but keep practicing this and you will be amazed at how you are able to modify your behavior and improve your internal state of being by doing so. Don't feel intimidated by the interactions, just continue to remind yourself that this is a 'test' and a 'challenge' for you, that you are going to work to master.

The other important thing is this. When you act verbally abusive towards him, does that ever help alleviate the tension between you, or is it more likely to maintain the tension and fuel his behavior and treatment of you? I'm not pointing the finger here at either party, but psychologically speaking, you can perceive how responding/reacting a certain way towards him is likely to further the cycle of how you are interacting with one another - right? So again with the acknowledgement that you cannot control his actions, only your own - you can realize that by exercising control over your emotional responses and changing the manner in which you react, you can take some of the wind out of his sails and work to counteract his pattern of behavior. Think of it as a cycle of actions and reactions - you can disrupt the cycle by withdrawing your participation from the game. It's difficult to get agitated at someone who exercises control over their emotions - and it's easy to get agitated at someone who has no control over their emotions. Your emotional energy (or lack thereof) has the ability to influence these interactions.

Again, you can't force him to change or act a certain way. But you can choose to focus your conscious energy inwardly and focus on committing yourself to trying to be the best version of 'you' that you can be. This way you can find peace with your actions and not look back with any guilt or regret over how you were operating and carrying yourself. You can also take pride in knowing that you are providing the best example and influence for your children.

I'm not telling you here to stay with him and try to salvage your marriage, and I'm not telling you to pack up and leave. That's not my place to make any such suggestions and I truly do not know what the best option is for you and your child at this time. I'm simply offering to you that for the time being, while you find yourself continuing to experiencing these circumstances - you can alter and adjust your perception of what you are experiencing and find ways to utilize the situation as a means to further your refinement and as a means to practice and master control over your emotional state. The skills and abilities you develop, and the learning and internal growth that takes place as part of your awakening - this permanently changes you and will benefit you in all walks of life, far beyond this current life circumstance you find yourself experiencing.

Hang in there and stay strong... A whole new 'you' is emerging during this awakening process and you will be amazed at what you find... : )

Kind Regards,
~WOLF

P.S. - there is an excellent book about the important process of releasing stored emotional energy (clearing blockages) and ultimately discovering the higher nature of your own being. It's called 'The Untethered Soul' (Michael Singer), and it may be of interest to you.

[wolfgaze]

You're welcome, AlaskanGirl. Glad to hear that you found my post helpful...

Take care!

Originally Posted by Alaskangirl907

Thank you so much, definitely some good feedback here and things I am working on each day... I did look in the Affirmations section a briefly, but wasn't sure exactly what I was looking for... or what it's about so I didn't spend much time there.

My kids definitely keep me going on days I feel I can't and working hard to be the mom they deserve.
No matter what kind of mood I'm in, they can always make me laugh. I am starting to really appreciate the small things in life (well small to some!)
Last night I had my first night alone in I have no idea how long, and I took the opportunity to watch the sunset.. and I just felt so thankful and appreciative of the fact that I was able to not only witness such a beautiful thing, but also capture it on camera.
Something I take for granted often I suppose. :)

Thanks again for sharing your opinion with me, I need some non biased opinions at times to help me see things a little differently and I do believe this post has done that. :)

Thanks for your reply, Alaskangirl.

The point about affirmations is that along with determination they come naturally to anyone making a success of something - not always an overwhelming success but successful enough. If they got really single-minded they may do better but as ever there are the compromises of just living.

Affirmation (to me) is in the same bracket as "'I can't' and you fail, 'I can' works wonders, 'I will' works miracles."
But it does take someone to believe in what they're affirming. This is where the spiritual come along - you deserve inner peace (and outer, for that matter!) you have a right to be yourself/you and to achieve what you need from/in life. And it's all out there somewhere. So the start on this route is agreeing to these notions (which you already seem to have done). Then it's about visualisation and affirmation and being realistic, always working within your scope while challenging it all the same - like, could you do better than that (whatever 'that' may be)?

Another "secret" is not going out of your way to search for results. I've read a few posts from people disappointed that "it hasn't worked" when they've been practicing for a few weeks expecting a specific result. It takes time...no surprise, you're making quite some adjustment to your universe but the consolation is that the more you believe in yourself and what you deserve, the less you need worry about results. Just notice things, general things, be glad about them and carry on.

But there you are. You have what it needs. Your mention of watching the sunset, finding something beautiful about the day, something worthwhile in that it uplifted your spirits enough.... And your kiddies, those precious miracles....



......

[Clover]

All great advice here! Soak it up!

Also, I wanted to add, maybe make a Vision Board. We often have discussions about Vision boards here. Get magazines or print out tid bits on how you envision your life to be. Or the things you want. I have heard from many that they work.
I made one two years ago. I was discouraged after 6 months. None of it happened, if anything my life got a whole lost worse [face palm].Fast forward a year and a half-- all surprisingly coming true. Slowly but true. Not in the exact form, but very similar.

Everything takes time. You will have good days and bad. I think you started the first step and that is opening up the conversation with yourself.



Examples of Vision Boards.