Accepting the Unacceptable

Acceptance. It seems to be a generally agreed upon premise for spiritual development. That a level of acceptance for our experience and our place - our self - in the world is required in order to grow, to develop spiritually. Makes sense. I seem to have developed a perspective that allows me to accept the varied parts of myself, my light and my shadow, but I have difficulty at times accepting the experiences I have had that were not necessarily by my own choice. Yes, it's all my own choice, I create my own reality, but what I mean is when the experience came from another's choice here in physical reality.

What I am thinking about is how have people here found ways to accept the unacceptable in their own experiences?

For everyone what is acceptable and what isn't differs, but I have found many of my lessons in life have focused on this; in order to grow I must find ways to reframe experiences. While I have been successful in most areas on most days, I also have times where that lesson is put hard to the test; there have been so many. I was curious if anyone has any experience in this area they would be willing to share.

[Altinak]

This won't be very long. For me, I accept extremely easily. Even all the bad things, I have not came across anything that I could not accept, even the really dark stuff. Love conquers all, and when you pour love into the experience/person/thing and say "I accept this" you are effectively saying "I love you". Love heals. I cannot explain how to open up to accepting, it is about being open minded, for me it comes naturally and always have. I hope this helped.

[Emmalevine]

Acceptance for me is a process. To start with I've struggled against and sought to change the circumstances I'm in - neither of which is wrong in itself as they have a place, but eventually I realised that acceptance means surrendering to the moment, not giving up, but meeting the moment as it is because if it could be any different right now, it would be. I found acceptance through the need above all to find peace with my life and my self. Acceptance is a point of power where I can choose how to perceive and how to be.

It can be compared to grief in many ways - you grieve a situation or event but eventually that leads to acceptance. Very few people accept things straight away for it is human to feel angry, sad, bitter, make bargains and cling onto hope, but eventually everything brings you back to this very moment where you either accept it or keep yourself in conflict. For me, acceptance does not mean giving up hope or resignation. It is an active process whereby I continue to meet the moment head on as well as keep the faith that things will be easier if that's what is meant to be. Acceptance and faith can go hand in hand.

Originally Posted by VesicaPhoenix11

...but I have difficulty at times accepting the experiences I have had that were not necessarily by my own choice. Yes, it's all my own choice, I create my own reality, but what I mean is when the experience came from another's choice here in physical reality.

Is all that you experience purely your choice? What about all the people in your life? Do you have so much influence on them that they make you experience what you have chosen to experience? And can they influence you to make them experience what they have chosen to experience?
This is the problem I have when it is said that everything an individual experiences has been their choice. We are not islands unto ourselves.

I have no problem with accepting my experiences once I have analysed the circumstances and found that there is nothing I can do to change them.

This is a subject that's easily taken advantage of in terms of what "should" be accepted/acceptable. The word "surrender" is thrown into the mix to exacerbate the problem. The truth is that certain facets of nature must be accepted because it's just the way things are, and evolution will take its own course. But the modern usage of the word refers mostly to human behaviors. I for one, cannot accept unacceptable behavior from humans bent on usurping authority over Creation. That's a big example, but that's ultimately what it boils down to.

[Papa Bear]

Hi Vesica,

Originally Posted by VesicaPhoenix11

What I am thinking about is how have people here found ways to accept the unacceptable in their own experiences?

For everyone what is acceptable and what isn't differs, but I have found many of my lessons in life have focused on this; in order to grow I must find ways to reframe experiences. While I have been successful in most areas on most days, I also have times where that lesson is put hard to the test; there have been so many. I was curious if anyone has any experience in this area they would be willing to share.

Life has brought most challenges to my experience, in most forms of abusive circumstance and behaviour others may present to my interactive reaction. The personalisation of detail is less productive than the eventual result, as the processes which carry each individual from not wanting to accept, to the creativity of self-realisation that not until the unacceptable is accepted, can the change required in self-reaction be realised.

As the human condition naturally presents each individual with the nature of limitation, each has to find a self-value which may flow in an understanding other`s may respect by example, rather than compete with. But within that same nature we `must` carry each-others limitations, for it is the nature of human interconnectivity.
To do so in creativity, I have sought to find the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. As life is a shared connectivity in all its beauty and limitations, my compassion has to be equal to my sister/brothers selfish competitive rage and demand. For forgiveness removes all wrongs from a pure heart, and lights a candle in the darkest rooms of the most limited minds.

[Mr Interesting]

Once anythings happened there is no choice but to accept it... it happened.

The question then becomes can I change my behaviours or reactions so that what I might think is useless doesn't occur in my space again.

I don't quite understand what you're asking vesica. But i'd like to point you in the direction of the recent thread about what is real/reality in order to explain my feelings.

I see life from multiple angles...so an experience might have an emotional aspect, a physical aspect, a mental aspect and a spiritual aspect...and very often these aspects contradict one another, or become paradoxical. So in terms of accepting an event as a singular 'it is THIS way' reality, doesn't work. But it's something I don't think about too much, because it gets too confusing.

I guess I manage by accepting the unacceptable from whichever angle I view it from, but I can't accept it as a whole, because it doesn't fit together properly.

So I might accept an emotion related to something that I don't quite accept has happened. Another time, I might accept the event without accepting any emotions are attached to it.

Some may say that is a sign of not accepting the unacceptable. But I take it back to what is useful or serves and what is not useful and doesn't serve.

So I would ask, what way are you trying to accept the unacceptable? And in what way does this view serve you?

Thank you for all of your replies and perspective!

Originally Posted by Altinak

Love conquers all, and when you pour love into the experience/person/thing and say "I accept this" you are effectively saying "I love you". Love heals.

I agree that love is a key to the healing which can bring acceptance. Yet, what if I do love my experience and love myself, cracks and all, yet still find it difficult to accept? In day to day living the emotions I carry with me can trip me at unexpected moments, although I love and learn, some days it is hard to accept.

Originally Posted by bluegreen

Is all that you experience purely your choice?

This is the problem I have when it is said that everything an individual experiences has been their choice. We are not islands unto ourselves.

I agree we are not islands but I also hold the perspective of I draw certain experiences to myself in order to learn. My experiences are lessons and have a purpose; this is the logic I apply in order to accept what seems unacceptable. Without it, I would not be here, being accountable for what seem random tragedies is the only way I reached the level of acceptance I have. But, it is a continual process of reconciliation; I can think I have accepted an experience then out of the blue my emotions will advise differently, which requires more reconciliation. I always have a choice in my response to my experience but my mind can play tricks on me with its logic and my feelings can surprise me.

Its the process of daily reconciliation that I stumble over. I thought by asking others how they found acceptance for what they deem unacceptable in their experience I might learn new ways of reconciling myself to my experience.

Originally Posted by LightOfOurAge

This is a subject that's easily taken advantage of in terms of what "should" be accepted/acceptable. The word "surrender" is thrown into the mix to exacerbate the problem.

The type of unacceptable I am speaking of in the OP is more personal & emotional than it is natural & behavioral. Personal past experiences which can not be changed that require a reframing of the experience in a way that allows for acceptance. In this case, surrender is a valuable tool as the past can not change, only the future and by surrendering to experience lessons can be learned that allow change in the future.

Originally Posted by Mr. Interesting

Once anythings happened there is no choice but to accept it... it happened.

The question then becomes can I change my behaviours or reactions so that what I might think is useless doesn't occur in my space again.

I see what you are getting at - and I agree that boundaries are extremely important, I am a HUGE proponent of having healthy boundaries. As I said above though, I can know logically I have no choice but to accept it and I can think I have, only to find through my emotional responses that I have hidden it away and it still must be reconciled. The experiences I am speaking of are experiences I could not have changed through my own behavior or reaction.

Originally Posted by PapaBear

..as the processes which carry each individual from not wanting to accept, to the creativity of self-realisation that not until the unacceptable is accepted, can the change required in self-reaction be realised. - To do so in creativity, I have sought to find the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. -- For forgiveness removes all wrongs from a pure heart, and lights a candle in the darkest rooms of the most limited minds.

The serenity prayer! *smile* Three short sentences that do encapsulate a path to acceptance. I also believe that it is only through acceptance that I will be able to fully realize my self, become my whole self, and that this is a creative process. Thank you for mentioning forgiveness... that may be one element that I haven't fully realized and perhaps the reason why my emotions keep reminding me of what I can not change. At the most inopportune of times...

Originally Posted by Meadows

I see life from multiple angles...so an experience might have an emotional aspect, a physical aspect, a mental aspect and a spiritual aspect...and very often these aspects contradict one another, or become paradoxical. So in terms of accepting an event as a singular 'it is THIS way' reality, doesn't work.

So I would ask, what way are you trying to accept the unacceptable? And in what way does this view serve you?

I also see life from multiple angles, as it just makes sense to me in a way one angle would not, as I see myself as paradoxical and find value in paradox as applied to my experience. Yet, I have had experiences that must be accepted as a whole in order to live a healthy and creative life. Because I do accept my experience in a similar way to what you have described, but I am at a point now where I am looking for new ways to accept the whole rather than its parts. This is what I have not been able to achieve and am looking at again now that I have regained a certain amount of faith.

I think your question was answered above in my response to bluegreen! *smile*

Originally Posted by Starbuck

Acceptance for me is a process. -- meeting the moment as it is -- I found acceptance through the need above all to find peace with my life and my self. Acceptance is a point of power where I can choose how to perceive and how to be.

It can be compared to grief in many ways - you grieve a situation or event but eventually that leads to acceptance. Very few people accept things straight away for it is human to feel angry, sad, bitter, make bargains and cling onto hope, -- eventually everything brings you back to this very moment where you either accept it or keep yourself in conflict. -- It is an active process whereby I continue to meet the moment head on as well as keep the faith that things will be easier if that's what is meant to be. Acceptance and faith can go hand in hand.

I saved your reply for last Miss Starbuck because it speaks to the experiences I continue to stumble over and I also hold a similar view of acceptance. To speak plainly, out of the many tragic experiences I have been able to accept and to find lessons & love within, I find the untimely death of my parents through their own actions is so unacceptable to me I can not accept it, fully, despite the many years that have passed (2002 for my Dad & 2005 for my Mom). When my Dad passed I was seven years in to my path of conscious evolution, I had faith and many of the values I still hold, but I didn't handle it well at all - descending in to self-destructive behaviors and separated myself from all that I loved in my life. When my Mom passed three years later in the exact same manner as my Dad I had just begun to heal, had stopped punishing myself for what I could not prevent, to accept - but it seemed a very cruel joke when she joined him and left me here, quite alone. It set me back.. a ways.

I have since slowly put my life back together, its been a very solitary journey (which is also hard to accept as family has always been very dear to my heart), but have put one foot in front of the other taking me to school in 2007, to therapy in 2008-2009, to volunteering in 2010, to treating my body with care & respect, to creating healthy boundaries in my life, and finally to a renewal of faith in my values, my conscious evolution.. but now as I am about to graduate here in 2013 I feel this pressure to be complete, to fully accept this experience in my life.

I also feel acceptance & faith go hand in hand and said above in my reply to Meadows I feel I am at a point now where I am finally regaining a basic faith I hid from myself for a time - during the madness of grief. Now it is time to resolve the conflict, to acknowledge that it exists and that it can be changed, must be changed in order to progress with my life in a manner that allows for me to continue to grow.

PapaBear mentioned forgiveness and I realized that maybe I haven't forgiven them, I have forgiven myself for being unable to save them, but not them for leaving me in the first place, as I have jokingly said to a friend - "I wasn't done with them yet!". Abandonment is a very large factor in my life that I have much difficulty in forgiving.. as it has happened many times.

So, yes - one of the reasons this is crucial to me right now is although I have been reconnecting with myself within, which is a renewal of my faith, I have been lacking in my material responsibilities - just barely skimming by this quarter due to physical problems (lower back issues.. ugh) and emotional surges of sadness, futility, & fear. As my greatest fear is that without the structure of school, without any healthy social support, that maybe I will begin to self-destruct again - and I can not and survive this time. Those shadow lessons have been learned and now is the time for integration of all aspects and experiences - including that which I can not accept, most importantly.

I come here with this because the few close friends I have kept over the years each have their own struggles and can't be of any help to me in this, they have no new insights in to how to accept this experience. In fact, over the past month I have attempted to speak to my closest friend about the fear I am experiencing and she seems to not hear me, quickly moving on. Because I am perceived as strong, as a survivor, and because I am the "rock" in my friendships, the counselor, I think sometime it is hard for them to see my weakness and acknowledge it. People come to depend on you to be what they need you to be, not what you are.

None of you see me that way if you see me at all, so I thought - this can't hurt - and maybe someone here has had a similar experience, something so unacceptable to them that it took them years to accept it, but they did. Or just some new angle on the problem, some tip I can use to move forward, not backward.

Not until the end of the day do you accept today,

for in doing so, you invite tomorrow to enter your world

and yesterday becomes but a memory.

This one seems to come up a lot lately. It is easy to pass by as a quaint saying...but it also holds the issues that sometimes play a part in acceptance. Sometimes to accept is to let go of the idea that there is still hope, still a chance to change what happened or to change the way it effected us at that time.

that's the hope that can get us through some tough times...and it does get us through. But then there comes a time when we must let go of the that tie to the past, to let go of the hope that life will change, and to accept that it has changed.

The other side of this is also the fear that when we finish one step/one lesson...we have to face the next. I know the fear for me has been that I will again have to face some painful situation and feeling like I just can't. Yet, that fearful expectation is more likely to attract painful experience to me again. Now I am working on trusting my intuition to move into a time of experiencing something different than what has gone before.

in terms of accepting a whole, you are way ahead of me. But these things come gradually and naturally as you walk on...and I just feel that you're walking towards doing that....perhaps a bit of patience and trust that you're heading the right direction is called for. xx