Should I resist the urge to tell him...?

Need opinions, please...

TF & I got into a "discussion" via text today - at first sort of teasing about past relationships, then I felt like he was trying to make me jealous or minimize my feelings for him. It was as if he was comparing me to "a couple girls I really crushed - one was really bad". I started to get hurt feelings and said to him "we'll, maybe besides me you've had lots of other women risk everything & get divorced because their feelings for you were so intense. And maybe they too poured their heart out constantly for years & wrote you songs & cried every night for 4 months. But I can say with 100% certainty than no one has ever felt this way about you...it's beyond human reason or understanding".

Then instead of any compassion after telling him I've cried for the last 4 months he just said "you can't say that for certain cuz other people could feel that way about others". Grrrrr....I don't understand him - its like he wants me to get frustrated & disappear - but HE is the one who has been initiating contact lately & stopping at my work, etc.

I'm feeling like I want to write him an email saying it is bothering me that he thinks because I've hidden my anguish that being without him in my life isn't killing me. Help me decide what to do...and what he's doing...? My intuition says he's purposely acting like he doesn't care because he doesn't want to feel guilty for causing me pain/grief... Thanks, all!

[CrystalSong]

Yes, resist the urge.
Clingy emotional and accusing women scare guys. (Not that you are, but he could interpret it that way)
Be 'too cool for school'.

Do you think he is ready to handle the intensity of what you would tell him?

Originally Posted by Shawnee

... My intuition says he's purposely acting like he doesn't care because he doesn't want to feel guilty for causing me pain/grief... Thanks, all!

I'd go with your intuition. Sounds like there is little to be gained by telling him more, now. It can take a while for ideas to sink in, little bits at a time. So I suggest you wait.

Originally Posted by zen_path

I'd go with your intuition. Sounds like there is little to be gained by telling him more, now. It can take a while for ideas to sink in, little bits at a time. So I suggest you wait.

I agree with ZenPath. Sounds like he's not ready to hear what it is you want to say. As frustrating as it is, you may do more damage than good by sharing with him now.

From my own experience I will say don't tell him!
My TF is a Virgo and, any time I get really emotional, etc it makes him pull away...not because he doesn't love me - he just doesn't always understand why things bother me so much - and also because it makes him feel like he's somehow "failed" because he can't just instantly fix what's wrong...
I think sometimes it's simply the intensity that is too much for them - so, as much as it hurts, and as hard as it is sometimes...try to hold it in - talk or email a friend, come here on SF and vent it all out...but it usually does more harm than good to overwhelm your TF with it...
Case in point: I was really sad this past Sunday, for a few reasons - one of them TF related (not due to my TF personally, it's just a rough month overall due to circumstances), but the main one simply that I was really lonely and missing my parents (they are both passed away...)
Anyway, my TF came over on Sunday night, and I ended up just crying & crying...My TF's first reaction was to look in my eyes very sadly, and ask me "what did I do?" Even though most of my sadness had absolutely nothing to do with him specifically, he was worried he had done something to upset me....
So, yeah...try not to tell him, lolol!!!!

Thanks, everyone! I had a reading with my Tarot girl instead & that gave me peace, as usual.

Every time she reads him she confirms my intuition... She said he feels "pressured" when I get too emotional or sentimental because it makes him look at the state of his relationship & he feels stuck there & guilty about hurting them & me. He reaches out to me when things are not going well at home and tries to "push your limits to see if you'd really be there for him if he left". She confirmed he feels down on himself (which I already knew) & has a hard time understanding what I see in him - or how I could him without expecting anything from him. Then she said "his experience with woman is that they want something from him...and will use him & leave him. He doesn't understand logically why you're still there when he tries to push you away & why you love him just because- without him having to prove his worth to you."

[Andromeda27]

I would say he isn't ready for the intensity so he's playing it down. You will know when it's time. TF and I recently have been able to get into some really deep conversations about life and us, but that kind of conversations takes a LOT out of us and we need to tone it down and be light hearted for awhile, it's as if it's emotionally draining. We can only handle each other for a couple days at a time because it's just so so intense.

However, I let him be the one to ease into the deep stuff. If I push it, he runs. It has taken YEARS to even get to this point (talking to each other about our connection).

I think I would suggest talking to him often (if he wants to) but keep things fairly neutral. Not like talking about the weather, but just interests and hobbies and stuff like that. TF and I played the "which would you rather" game recently and that was fun, lol. It was fun and light, but a few questions were a little deeper without totally diving in. If you already told him you love him, he isn't going to forget and won't need reminding. Just be a friend, a best friend :)

He and I are kind of going backwards...in that we instantly recognized the bond & he told me "you fill voids in me I didn't know I had". We both admitted having a crush on each other in HS & our paths crossed many times even though we were never friends then.

After 9 months I told him I loved him & we acted "married" for 2 years til reality & fear set in. We've both tried to run at times but can't stay away & take turns running. Since I'm more aware, though, I stick it out more now.

He reminds me of my TF in a way--mine freaks out if I get too emotional. Well, he freaks out, then comes around a couple days later--that's his pattern. It sounds to me like you're in a similar pattern where you pour your heart out then he acts nonchalant, but then does something like the drunk texting where you get a glimpse of how he really feels....Frustrating, I know!!

I would back off some--don't be mean, don't ignore or anything--just be pleasant. If you feel like it, say something nice like "I miss you" or whatever--but don't expect anything back. I think he's used to a certain dynamic where he knows how you feel and he likes that, but also knows he doesn't have to express that back. When you get upset, it just reinforces how much you care so he likes that too! Just back off a little and see what happens...