Why aren't things improving?

[002 Cents]

I have posted a number of times on here about my marriage and the tail spin it has been in since last Sept.

Yes I considered divorcing him a number of times.

But ultimately I have 11 years invested in this and we are raising two kids...

Trying to recover from the big issues that afflicted out marriage has been a struggle.

We only had two nights a week together as my job kept me out working the rest of the week.

And the closest friend I made to help get me through the worst of things was someone that made my husband incredibly jealous.

I have since changed my availablity and made it so I am off 5 nights a week.

I have also cut contact with the afore mentioned friend.

It seemed both of these things would improve the situation... but they haven't.

Instead now I am expected to spend every spare moment with him and when I don't he gets all [Edited by staff/swearing not permitted] and starts telling me I don't love him.

I spent a night out with a gal pal last week and he was [messed up]

Then last night I decided I wanted to do some writing and this morning I woke up to him sulking and acting like it signifies a problem in our marriage.

... I am at a loss.

Part of me thinks this has to do with the fact that there is a memorial service coming up for one of his gaming friends. I already gave him my permission to attend but the girl he cheated on me with is supposed to be there.

I am worried that if he is looking for problems with our marriage on the back of being allowed to attend... knowing he will see her... he may be struggling internally with feelings he still has for her and trying to justify them by finding problems with us.

It seems ironic that when I start feeling better about our marriage, he starts having issues.

Looking for some advice and/or perspective.

[AHIYAH]

Originally Posted by 002 Cents

I have posted a number of times on here about my marriage and the tail spin it has been in since last Sept.

Yes I considered divorcing him a number of times.

But ultimately I have 11 years invested in this and we are raising two kids...

Trying to recover from the big issues that afflicted out marriage has been a struggle.

We only had two nights a week together as my job kept me out working the rest of the week.

And the closest friend I made to help get me through the worst of things was someone that made my husband incredibly jealous.

I have since changed my availablity and made it so I am off 5 nights a week.

I have also cut contact with the afore mentioned friend.

It seemed both of these things would improve the situation... but they haven't.

Instead now I am expected to spend every spare moment with him and when I don't he gets all [Edited by staff/swearing not permitted] and starts telling me I don't love him.

I spent a night out with a gal pal last week and he was [messed up]

Then last night I decided I wanted to do some writing and this morning I woke up to him sulking and acting like it signifies a problem in our marriage.

... I am at a loss.

Part of me thinks this has to do with the fact that there is a memorial service coming up for one of his gaming friends. I already gave him my permission to attend but the girl he cheated on me with is supposed to be there.

I am worried that if he is looking for problems with our marriage on the back of being allowed to attend... knowing he will see her... he may be struggling internally with feelings he still has for her and trying to justify them by finding problems with us.

It seems ironic that when I start feeling better about our marriage, he starts having issues.

Looking for some advice and/or perspective.

Have you both thought of seeing a marriage counsellor while the problem is relatively small? Mama always told me that all the problems that I will ever see started out small. You might want to find out the cause before it escalates.
I am limited as to what I can say because there is this spiritual gift that can only be found and not spoken which comes with experience. And not handled right can cause much problems sorry. It's something that can tell what a person close to you is hiding, all I can say is that it has to do with the words they choose to use when a certain topic is brought up. Look for body language if and when you do realise its potential. When not handled right it can send a person into paranoia. It's a process that needs to be respected. I wish I could say more. I think start with a Marriage counsellor and go from there. He may just be unstable from his past actions. I can't tell from a computer screen.
All the best for the outcome is all Im saying.

[Sarian]

I spent over 30 years with my husband. I used the same reasoning, I have such and such years invested, I have three kids with him, I want to make it work as so many people give up and divorce so easily. My husband was a control freak and still is and tries to even though he moved to a different state. He finally stopped trying to contact me and tell me how to live my life when he ranted in an email all my flaws, issues, etc...I got so mad I responded to each and every sentence and reminded him of the facts of his abuse. I really and truly hoped he would say I am so sorry...but all he could write was "Delete this from your sent box, please". He would not, still, accept his responsibility. When I was married to him, I did not realize his subtle controlling ways even when it came to my friends. Any time I wanted to go out with my best friend or any friends he would carry on so. It got to the point that it was easier to just stay home than to deal with his rants and mean things he would say. I gave up my friends (always a big mistake and red flag)...If I talked to any man, he accused me of having an affair, if I dared even go out for coffee with my best friend or when I used to go to church there was an elderly woman that would like to talk...well my now ex would accuse me of being a lesbian. It just went on and on like that. Totally ridiculous. I had to have his permission for everything. There was absolutely NOTHING I could do without having his permission. He would sulk and carry on if he did not get his way. Your marriage may not be as bad but when reading your post, it reminded me of my own marriage. I met him at 20, got married at 25. When I started to find my backbone again and strengthen it, I started to see my friends again and he absolutely hated it. He would carry on and on about it and even as I reached for the door knob to leave he would say "Look at how ugly you are!" or "Look at that fat ......" or "My god you look so old" Now none of those things were true but when he said them and me having no self-confidence or self-esteem, those words hurt and they DID affect my time out because they permeated my mind and that's all I felt and heard when I was out...I'd be thinking EVERYONE was thinking those things. Needless to say I could not enjoy myself.

Are you really happy? Do you love him? Do you feel there is hope? He doesn't sound like the kind of person that would consider counseling. My ex did go to counseling with me after years of ME going...he would say all kinds of things and demanded to know what was going on there, so I said come with me then. It did not help. He hated all the counselors we tried (they would tell him like it was; therefore, they were all jerks and idiots)...sometimes you really do have to just throw in the towel. Life's too short to stay with someone for the sake of x, y and z. Me and my kids are far better off and HAPPY with him gone.

Good luck and really think your life over with this man and if it's truly worth the heartache.

Oh and my husband had affairs all the time. Once he finally decided to come clean about it, even though I knew he was having them....he had over 100. He went into great detail of the sex even though I told him I did not want to hear it or hear about anymore of them...but he was getting off on just talking about them now. There was no remorse. He wanted us to renew our vows and even got me a diamond ring. I said no, he wanted to take the ring back but I would not let him since I bought him a diamond ring early on in the relationship and he took that ring and traded it in for mine. I took the ring and gave it to my daughter.

[Shrek]

002 Cents
Hope everything will be improving

[AHIYAH]

Originally Posted by Sarian

I spent over 30 years with my husband. I used the same reasoning, I have such and such years invested, I have three kids with him, I want to make it work as so many people give up and divorce so easily. My husband was a control freak and still is and tries to even though he moved to a different state. He finally stopped trying to contact me and tell me how to live my life when he ranted in an email all my flaws, issues, etc...I got so mad I responded to each and every sentence and reminded him of the facts of his abuse. I really and truly hoped he would say I am so sorry...but all he could write was "Delete this from your sent box, please". He would not, still, accept his responsibility. When I was married to him, I did not realize his subtle controlling ways even when it came to my friends. Any time I wanted to go out with my best friend or any friends he would carry on so. It got to the point that it was easier to just stay home than to deal with his rants and mean things he would say. I gave up my friends (always a big mistake and red flag)...If I talked to any man, he accused me of having an affair, if I dared even go out for coffee with my best friend or when I used to go to church there was an elderly woman that would like to talk...well my now ex would accuse me of being a lesbian. It just went on and on like that. Totally ridiculous. I had to have his permission for everything. There was absolutely NOTHING I could do without having his permission. He would sulk and carry on if he did not get his way. Your marriage may not be as bad but when reading your post, it reminded me of my own marriage. I met him at 20, got married at 25. When I started to find my backbone again and strengthen it, I started to see my friends again and he absolutely hated it. He would carry on and on about it and even as I reached for the door knob to leave he would say "Look at how ugly you are!" or "Look at that fat ......" or "My god you look so old" Now none of those things were true but when he said them and me having no self-confidence or self-esteem, those words hurt and they DID affect my time out because they permeated my mind and that's all I felt and heard when I was out...I'd be thinking EVERYONE was thinking those things. Needless to say I could not enjoy myself.

Are you really happy? Do you love him? Do you feel there is hope? He doesn't sound like the kind of person that would consider counseling. My ex did go to counseling with me after years of ME going...he would say all kinds of things and demanded to know what was going on there, so I said come with me then. It did not help. He hated all the counselors we tried (they would tell him like it was; therefore, they were all jerks and idiots)...sometimes you really do have to just throw in the towel. Life's too short to stay with someone for the sake of x, y and z. Me and my kids are far better off and HAPPY with him gone.

Good luck and really think your life over with this man and if it's truly worth the heartache.

Oh and my husband had affairs all the time. Once he finally decided to come clean about it, even though I knew he was having them....he had over 100. He went into great detail of the sex even though I told him I did not want to hear it or hear about anymore of them...but he was getting off on just talking about them now. There was no remorse. He wanted us to renew our vows and even got me a diamond ring. I said no, he wanted to take the ring back but I would not let him since I bought him a diamond ring early on in the relationship and he took that ring and traded it in for mine. I took the ring and gave it to my daughter.

Looking back on it when do you think the verbal abuse started? Do you think it was part of your character that empowered him to do so? Ask yourself if you were easily manipulated? 5 years is a long enough time to figure a person out.
You've got to remember that just because counselling didnt work for someone it doesn't mean it won't work for others if caught early enough. I am thinking of the children and the damage that will happen should their parents ever split. After all its the children that are the real losers in this situation so we better tread lightly when giving advice. I'd say divorce is the last resort after all that can be done is exhausted and that's for the benefit of the family unit. I can't see why the wider family can't be part of the solution. Where the elders hold the honour and respect and are listened to. I suppose this society has long forgotten the values of what makes up the society as in the family unit operating under their elders. People need to be naturally empowered imo.

[Blue Tiger]

Take an honest look at your children, and ask yourself how they are being affected by the situation.

Are the stress, anger, and resentment harming their sense of security and stability? Kids are not blind to such things, and can be emotionally harmed and confused by being kept in that state.

Don't assess this through the eyes of a loving parent. Try to step back and see your children as a concerned third party might - like a caring teacher or aunt.

Divorce is no picnic, but it needn't be traumatic and devastating. Sometimes it is the BEST route.

Counseling is a great suggestion, if your husband is willing. From what you've written, I rather doubt he'll be amenable to it.

Ultimately, do what is best for you and your children. Your husband is an adult and is responsible for his own happiness.

[Sarian]

Originally Posted by AHIYAH

Looking back on it when do you think the verbal abuse started? Do you think it was part of your character that empowered him to do so? Ask yourself if you were easily manipulated? 5 years is a long enough time to figure a person out.
You've got to remember that just because counselling didnt work for someone it doesn't mean it won't work for others if caught early enough. I am thinking of the children and the damage that will happen should their parents ever split. After all its the children that are the real losers in this situation so we better tread lightly when giving advice. I'd say divorce is the last resort after all that can be done is exhausted and that's for the benefit of the family unit. I can't see why the wider family can't be part of the solution. Where the elders hold the honour and respect and are listened to. I suppose this society has long forgotten the values of what makes up the society as in the family unit operating under their elders. People need to be naturally empowered imo.

He actively pursued me and I really was not interested but he did not go away. There were good things I admired about the man and I focused on those. The fact that he would not leave me alone was a huge red flag and I think I was just too kind. He was 8 years older than me and continually told me he was older and 'knew better' as I was young. Sigh. Verbal abuse did not happen right away, but he had his ways of controlling me with sweet talk at first...control doesn't always come in the form of abuse...the longer I was with him, the more apparent to him, I was his 'property' and then he felt he could put a tougher control on me. I imagine that my personality (shy, more of an introvert) contributed to this. Yes...it's still no excuse for him to have treated me as he did.

I honestly felt stuck in the marriage. I went into it with ideals of what a marriage should be and what I wanted. I got none of those and I foolishly wasted years thinking 'it would get better" and also thought stupid things such as "If I would do this, or if I would do that...he would love me better" I readily took the blame for everything...but I took a long hard look and over the years one hardens and I thought no more...I was threatened with death all the time and since he towered over me and weighed significantly more, I did fear him. I sought help from domestic violence groups and even the police but when the police can come and then talk with him and you hear them outside laughing and then leave, it makes you feel even more alone. When you say five years is long enough, I am guessing you have no understanding of how one's mind can become manipulated and brainwashed. Religious cults do this all the time, it can happen in any situation...I did wake up though and for me that's all that matters. I'm not saying counseling does not help anyone, of course, it does...but my ex is a narcissist and he cannot find blame in himself for anything.

I think the damages for children when parents choose not to divorce for the sake of them is far more damaging than if they split. My kids say I should have done it sooner. They cared nothing for their father as he cared nothing for them. My parents stayed together for the sake of their children and it was a HUGE mistake. They were miserable and wasted their lives in unhappiness and bickering and it was terrible for us.

I would never advise anyone to stay in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage.

[AHIYAH]

Originally Posted by Sarian

He actively pursued me and I really was not interested but he did not go away. There were good things I admired about the man and I focused on those. The fact that he would not leave me alone was a huge red flag and I think I was just too kind. He was 8 years older than me and continually told me he was older and 'knew better' as I was young. Sigh. Verbal abuse did not happen right away, but he had his ways of controlling me with sweet talk at first...control doesn't always come in the form of abuse...the longer I was with him, the more apparent to him, I was his 'property' and then he felt he could put a tougher control on me. I imagine that my personality (shy, more of an introvert) contributed to this. Yes...it's still no excuse for him to have treated me as he did.

I honestly felt stuck in the marriage. I went into it with ideals of what a marriage should be and what I wanted. I got none of those and I foolishly wasted years thinking 'it would get better" and also thought stupid things such as "If I would do this, or if I would do that...he would love me better" I readily took the blame for everything...but I took a long hard look and over the years one hardens and I thought no more...I was threatened with death all the time and since he towered over me and weighed significantly more, I did fear him. I sought help from domestic violence groups and even the police but when the police can come and then talk with him and you hear them outside laughing and then leave, it makes you feel even more alone. When you say five years is long enough, I am guessing you have no understanding of how one's mind can become manipulated and brainwashed. Religious cults do this all the time, it can happen in any situation...I did wake up though and for me that's all that matters. I'm not saying counseling does not help anyone, of course, it does...but my ex is a narcissist and he cannot find blame in himself for anything.

I think the damages for children when parents choose not to divorce for the sake of them is far more damaging than if they split. My kids say I should have done it sooner. They cared nothing for their father as he cared nothing for them. My parents stayed together for the sake of their children and it was a HUGE mistake. They were miserable and wasted their lives in unhappiness and bickering and it was terrible for us.

I would never advise anyone to stay in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage.

Your story sounds typical for the beginnings of an abusive relationship, being young and all. It sounds as though no family planning was involved just roll with what gets thrown at you. That's not to say that those that don't plan there family are doomed because Ive seen there's turn out successful.
Me not understanding how a mind is manipulated? I was in the same place as your husband. My story is somewhat different(I believe) broken home, abusive upbringing a culture persecuted, our way of life stripped from us because of corruption and more. By the time we chose to do counselling it was far too late. Believe me although we had more than our fare share of ups and downs. We are still together after 29 years. How did I come around to being the person I am today? I stopped thinking my children were stupid and started noticing their intelligence. I also noticed that my better half is a part of me and sees things from a different perspective. I stopped being violent to everyone I disagreed with and became non violent. I remembered my culture and the beauty that is in it. For me it was the awakening I so needed. There's obviously more to it.
I have a 3 yr old grandson and he's the joy of my future, like my children are.
You see all these good things were already a part of our culture.
Like I said divorce is the last resort if all other routes are exhausted. The last stage before divorce would be separation only to be reconciled if an agreement is reached within a certain timeline. Relationships is a compromise for the betterment of the future as in the children. Imo. With that peace.

[AHIYAH]

Btw we're at that point I can say to my better half "hey Ace Whole" and she will return with an equally authoritative swear word spoken with vigour.Lol This is just how we do and we do it to keep the spark alive, crazy I know but it works for us. We don't do it all the time. Btw we just had one of those a few hours ago so we good for a couple days.lol

[TheGlow]

AHIYAH you seem to think everyone thinks once you are married it's only about the kids. Is your wife happy, does she really feel loved by you as a mate? It sounds like you love your gran kid and children but she is not your world.

I'm glad you made progress but your children seeing your wife and you not love each other as a prize will likely make them seek out relationship where they are really not joyfully inlove with their mate and only stay for the children.

Imagine if you treasured your wife and she treasured you, it would increase the chances of them seeking marriages that are based on such love.
This is why some saying divorce can be better for the children are saying what they are. Long term they follow the family patterns so sometimes finding happier lives for yourselves is actually going to encourage better patterns in their future.